It's Not What It Looks Like

He's just standing there, unreadable. He rubs his eyes a couple of times, either because he just woke up or because he's not sure if I'm really here. All I can think right now is this was a mistake. I shouldn't have agreed to do this. Fuck Louis, just fuck him. But of course, my mind and my mouth aren't on the same page tonight.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

He nods, "Of course, sorry."

He moves into the door and holds it open for me. I stare for a moment, unable to move. I should run. I should just run away. I don't want to be here. I don't have to do this. I can leave.

"Come on, Blair," he pleads quietly.

I nod and finally find my legs, walking into his hotel room. I look around and notice how much he's changed. His clothes are neatly folded in his bag, he doesn't have anything that makes his room seem like 'his room.' He used to always have a picture or two on the dresser so he could feel a little more at home. His clothes would be thrown around the room and he'd almost always forget something. I'd have to go online or find a store to help him replace his favorite things. That was Niall. This; clean and bare hotel rooms, was not Niall.

"Blair?" He asks.

I feel a new rush of courage course through my veins. I stand up and put my hands on my hips, narrowing my eyes at him, "I just came to say I'm sorry, you know? Apologize for all that shit I put you through. I shouldn't've done it. But I did. So here's like your closure or whatever, alright?"

He blinks at me, speechless.

I nod my head and clap my hands together, "Alright, great. So tell the boys I said hello and have a great night."

I stutter as he stared up at me, "Yeah so I'm going to leave now because this was a ridiculous idea and your staring at me and it's freaking me out."

Now my feet just wont move. Except this time I'm not in the safety of the hallway. I'm in Niall's fucking hotel room. I watch as his expression changes from bewildered to amused. He laughs and stands up, walking towards me slowly and pressing his fingers into my hips, holding me still. I want to move. I want to leave. But I stand here, frozen. He moves his hands up over my hips, over my breasts, onto my shoulders, and settling on my cheeks.

"Woman can't you give me a second to understand what's going on? I haven't seen you in nearly a year and you burst in barking out apologizes. Just let me catch up here," He pleads, grinning.

I roll my eyes, "You saw me earlier today."

He rubs circles over my cheeks, "Yeah and from all the shit we've been through you should understand it'll take me TWO days to get over that little appearance alone."

I rip his hands off of my face and take a step back, leaning up against the counter top.

"I'm not here to rehash all of this with you. We both know how it'll end. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry,"

His eyes visibly lighten through my words. He knows that I'm being sincere. Or trying to be at least. It's late and I'm still cranky, I can't be fucking perfect.

I reach for his hand and give it a reassuring squeeze, "You deserve the best Niall and one day a girl will give you just that."

He smiles and presses his lips to my cheek, whispering in my ear, "Same to you. You're going to find someone and you're going to think he hung the moon."

I feel my cheeks flush and look down at my feet, trying to seem uninterested.

He squeezes my hand again, "But between you and me, he won't ever be good enough."

It has always been like this with Niall. We face put on a façade for only so long before one of us cracks and were both sobbing on the floor like heartbroken teenagers. Well, we are I guess.

I look up and into his eyes and see the tears visibly forming. I groan in 'annoyance', "No crying, come on. Be a man! Get it together Ni," I scold.

He smiles sheepishly, "I'm sorry. I just missed you, that's all."

I roll my eyes, "I'm right here."

He shakes his head, "But you're leaving. And I know better than to think that I'll see you again after today."

I give him a sympathetic smile, unsure of what to say. He's right, he won't. If I can help it, I'll never see any of them again. It doesn't work. It just DOESN'T. I wasn't built for this shit. And in my unpopular opinion, neither was he.

I kiss his cheek one last time before walking out of the door, closing it behind me and leaning up against it, as if I had just locked all of my demons away in that room. My breath is shaky and I'm hot and panicking. Closure was much more painful than I had expected. All I wanted was a drink. Instead I got a heart to heart with Niall Horan. What kind of fucked up karmic energy is that?

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I walk into my house and realize everyone is still awake. It's only 11 and I'm at home when I should be out getting trashed and trying to drown my annoyance with popculture and life in general. But I don't know if I want that right now. I should. But I don't. I feel oddly... calm. I felt closure. I felt like I didn't need to talk to all of them. I had settled my demons with Louis and apologized for breaking, no shattering, Niall's heart. It was over. I could move on now.

I walk into the kitchen and sit at the bar stool, leaning onto the table and rubbing my temples with my hands. I start humming Dreams by Fleetwood Mac in an attempt to float away into oblivion. But of course, no luck. I'm still here. I'm still me. I'm still ruined. I'm still hurt. No matter how much I try and convince myself that I'm okay, I'm just not. I can tell myself over and over again 'I can move on now', but can I really? Can I really move on from a huge part of my life? Can I really move on from all of heartbreak and love I've felt in the last year? Can I really move on from them? Because right now, I feel like I have a scarlet '1D' branded on my heart. And quite frankly, I'm really fucking pissed off about it.

"Hey sis," Bridget whispers.

I turn in her direction, snapping myself out of my bitter trance, and see the sheepish smile on her face. I open my arms to her, in desperate need of a hug. She sighs and walks over to me, not hesitating to squeeze me. I release my breath, not even realizing I had been holding it to begin with, and let out a long overdue sob.

"He... he was there," I cry.

She soothes me with her humming, "Who, Blair? Zayn?"

I shake my head, still holding onto her tiny frame, "No... Louis. He made me talk to Niall."

"What a fucking idiot. What did Niall do? Tell me and I'll go kill him right now," she threatens.

"He was nice to me Bridg. He told me that he hopes I fall in love one day and said that they..." I break into another fit of sobs before continuing, "They won't ever be good enough for me."

She huffs, "So he thinks that you're some stuck up bitch, is that it?!"

"No!" I cry in frustration, "He's saying that no matter who the guy is, he'll never think that they deserve me. He still fucking loves me Bridget and it's KILLING me to know that! I don't want to hold that burden. I RUINED him and he still loves me!"

I look up at her and see the realization hit her like a tour bus, "Oh. Uh... Wow...."

I nod in agreement, "Yeah, exactly. I just, I don't know what to do now. I had this plan, this plan to forget and move on. I can't even fucking do that now because I feel so damn guilty. What's next?! Harry?! Zayn?! Fucking Liam returning to have elevator battle round 2?!"

She shakes her head, "Now you move on. You have to let it go, Blair. You have to let them go," she pleads.

I know it hurts her to see me like this. I want nothing more than to be strong for her. I want to be her superhero. But right now, I don't think I have it in me.

"I'm really tired Bridg. I'm going and sleep all of this off then tomorrow you're going to tell me all about your date, okay?" I put on a fake smile and raise my eyebrows.

She knows better than to think that I'm okay, but she's kind enough to let me go without protest. Bridget kisses my cheek and pulls me in for one last hug, "I love you Blair, it's gonna be okay."

"I know," I reply. But I'm not sure if it will be.

But it has to be. Because whether I like it or not, I have a role to play in this world. I'm a daughter and a big sister and a college graduate. I need to move on. I need to start my life. I need to forget. I need to let go.

Notes

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xx, elle