I Think I l Love You Better Now (Larry Stylinson)(Rated R for a reason)

It’s 2 days later and I’m somewhat adapting to what my life has become.

First, with the goddamn stares. They come from all 4 boys and there’s only one I can tolerate, because Hazza doesn’t know, he blissfully still doesn’t know. So I can handle that. But the others drive me insane. Liam and Niall have obviously talked to Zayn, as he gives the same devastatingly hurt and cautious look they do. It’s like they literally don’t trust me to do anything. I hate that. I’m not crazy.

Second, with the following. This comes hand in hand with those stares. Any time I leave the room, one of them find an excuse to follow me. Even if I’m just going to the kitchen to get food, they follow. I mean for Niall that’s not far off, but if one of the others trails behind, it’s odd.

That brings me to third. Harry’s worried. He’s noticed the other guys’ fear, my frustration, and the general tension that hangs in the air. We don’t laugh as much, we don’t tease as much, there’s distance…it quite honestly bloody sucks. Even on stage, performing where we love the most, it’s been strange. Even the fans have noticed, tweeting to ask if we had an argument or got sick.

Fourth, the absolute lockdown I’m on. That first night back, Liam and Niall had cornered me in the bathroom, forcing me to explain. That had gone…interestingly. After trying to argue that I wasn’t that bad for about ten minutes, they’d threatened to tell Harry, so I broke down and admitted that it was like a once a week thing nowadays. They asked if it had to do with the whole being gay thing, and I’d denied it. Then admitted that it had definitely added to the itch. They asked me where I hid my razors. I lied. They asked again. I lied again. They threatened to tell Harry. I told them and watched with a ripped heart as they took the box with them when they left. Fuck.

Everything’s fucked. I wanna cut nonstop and I can’t. Half the time I wanna burn myself, but I can’t. I wanna sleep, but my brain won’t stop swirling. I wanna eat but my stomach won’t obey me. I wanna be normal. Fuck, I wanna be okay. Guess we don’t get what we want.

It’s after a concert now, and we’re lounging around backstage, waiting for the cars that have apparently been mobbed and are now needing to be switched. Typical.

I’m sitting beside Harry on the couch while Niall and Zayn sing random songs together and Liam’s on the phone with his girlfriend.

"Lou Lou?" I hear Haz ask, and I grimace. There’s just something about his tone…I know what’s coming.

"Yeah, Hazza?" I play along, hoping I’m wrong.

"What’s going on? Everything’s different lately, ever since you stormed out that morning. Please tell me what I’m missing." He asked, eyes hurt and confused. It breaks my heart. But I won’t break his.

"Nothing babes." I tell him, and he scowls.

"I’m not a fucking idiot, I know there’s something." Harry argues, causing me to wince.

"It’s nothing really. I just got in a fight with Niall and Liam. They’ve recruited Zayn to their side I suppose." I lie, deeming it fairly believable.

He raises an eyebrow, glancing around the other boys, who meet his somewhat glare briefly, before looking away quickly as they think I’ll get angry. They’re not wrong.

"That’s stupid. I’m with you, Boo Bear. You couldn’t have done anything that bad." He says, pulling me closer by my waist.

He has no idea how much his words hurt me. He just doesn’t know.

*************************

I don’t know why we ended up a club. I shouldn’t have let Nialler talk me into it. But Harry had seemed excited, and I couldn’t break that smile of his, so I’d given in.

And now sitting in the booth with Zayn, I down another shot.

"Slow down there mate." He warns me, but I glare at him.

"Screw you, after the week I’ve had, I freaking deserve this." I growl, stealing his beer and taking a large gulp.

"You’re an idiot." He mumbles.

"You’re a dick." I say, angry.

We look at each other, tense. But then I see a smirk grow on his face, and soon I’m full blown grinning.

"Go out there and find someone, Zayn. The girls will be all over you." I say, ruffling my hair into its usual do.

He hums. “You should too. There’s bound to be gay guys in here mate.” He says, and my mouth drops.

I hadn’t thought about it at all. Could I do that? Just go out to a club and hook up with a guy? Okay, maybe not hook up, I’m not that kind of person. But dance with and kiss? Yeah, that sounds pretty okay. The rest of the guys are doing that (with the exception of Liam of course).

"I wouldn’t even know how to find a guy." I tell Zayn, embarrassed that I’m inexperienced.

"Oh I’ll find you one." Zayn winks, then is standing up and leaving.

"Zayn! You really don’t need to…" I trail off as he’s obviously gone.

Well, fuck. I down another shot, trying to bury my problems. All these stupid goddamn feelings and mistakes and secrets. I need them gone. I need a distraction.

It’s 10 minutes later when Zayn returns, and attractive guy following behind him, with messy brown hair, blue eyes and an outfit that leaves little to the imagination.

"Hey mate, this is Colin, he’s from around here and he would most definitely like to talk to you." Zayn grins, rather tipsy.

"Hey." Colin says, reaching out to shake my hand.

"Well I’ll leave you two." Zayn says, winking once again and mouthing ‘Get it in Tommo!’ before leaving.

"So I’m Colin, as he said." Says the boy, and I come to my senses.

"Right, sorry, I’m Louis. My friends call me Lou though, so you’re welcome to." I say, noticing that he is in fact, very attractive.

"Well Lou, you are handsome as fuck." Colin says and I gape at him, flattered and flustered.

"Sorry, too forward?" He asks, pulling at his hair.

"No, no. Just surprised me." I laugh.

"I tend to do that." He mutters, blushing. It’s cute. Really, really cute.

Wait, what am I thinking, I’m supposed to like Harry. Right? But then again, this is lovely compared to the one sided hurt that I feel with Haz. This is…just lovely.

"I like it." I state, and he grins.

He flags down a bar-woman and orders us margaritas. “So you’re 1/5 of the famous One Direction. Funny, I never pinned you as the gay one.” He starts.

“Me neither.” I admit, a slight grumble to my tone.

Several minutes later we’ve discussed the weirdest things, ranging from slutty girls to celebrity crushes, to the fact that he likes some of our music but not other bits. It’s nice to have someone that honest. Brilliant, really. We’ve downed out drinks and I feel myself blush as he tells me that my eyes are beautiful.

"Do you wanna dance?" I ask, testing the water.

"Would love to, babe." He says, and it gives me butterflies.

It’s the first time a guy’s done it. Called me babe. I mean, Harry has and the other boys as well but that’s friendship. Different. Not meant to have the effect that it’s currently having on me.

We make it to the through the mass of people and find a spot and then Colin’s writhing against me, grinding and it’s all new but it’s amazing all the same.

Somehow, by the end of two songs, we end up facing each other, my arms around his neck, his hands gripping my waist. This is how it should be. Not me faking it with girls or dying inside because of Harry. This, while probably not going to last much longer, is perfect.

And before I know it he’s kissing me. His lips are soft and great I’m kissing back, exploring it, slightly worried that I’m bit experienced enough but Colin doesn’t seem to care so fuck yes.

Brilliant.

***************************

(Harry’s POV)

I’m dancing with a girl when Niall finds me, seeming extremely excited.

"Harry! Guess what Harry!?" He bounces, yelling over the music.

"What?" I ask, and the girl’s friend comes back and is dancing with her so I leave them, following Nialler who has left silently.

Technically I should be mad at him because of this ‘fight’ he’s had with my Lou Bear, but I brush it off. Tonight is about being happy.

We meet up with Liam and Zayn who look as confused as me.

"What’s so important Ni?" Liam asks.

"Okay so guess what? Guess! Actually, no! You should just see. Yes, okay look right there, in the middle. Look for Louis’ hair." He says, pointing happily.

I do what he says, it takes a second, but at the same moment as the others I see it.

Lou is dancing with some guy, arms hooked behind his neck and they’re kissing. Snogging, to be exact.

At first I feel a smile tug at my lips, happy that he’s happy. But then the sight makes me feel angry and I don’t know why.

"That’s adorable. I knew he’d find someone." Liam grinned.

"Credit goes to me, I found the bloke. Colin’s his name. Knows who we are but isn’t a mega fan, which is great." Zayn explains, and I hate him more with each word.

"You’re brilliant you are!" Niall exclaims, nearly jumping on Zayn’s shoulders.

I look back over and Colin (that fucker) has his hands dangerously close to Lou’s ass and I can see my Boo Bear smiling as he pulls that idiot closer.

Fucking hell I’m going to punch something. Fucking break a wall.

Without thinking I storm away from the other boys, out the door of the club, and into the night air that I love and hate in an instant.

It makes me think clearer. I don’t want to think. I want to be distracted but that’s not going to fucking happen because crap, I’m mad.

Jealous my mind says. No. Fucking no, there is no way. I’m not jealous. Why would I be? Because he’s kissing some random guy. And what, not me? I don’t like him. No.

Surely it’s just because this random guy might make his way into our lives and I don’t want that. I can’t share my Boo, he’s mine.

Wow, possessive.

"Hey mate." I hear a tired voice say behind me.

Liam plops down by my side and I realize with a start that my eyes had teared up. Why? You know why.

"Hi." I mumble, making sure my orbs clear up.

"I’m sorry." He says softly. "Do you know why you’re mad?"

"No." I answer because ugh.

"Yeah, figured. Whatever it is, it’s okay to feel that way. Just don’t hurt Louis’ feelings. He’s fragile." Liam says, and anger flares in me again.

"Like I don’t know that!" I snap. "I know how he puts walls up and doesn’t let anyone in. I know how he denies nonstop that he’s hurt because he just can’t admit it to himself or anyone else. And I fucking know that if this Colin dick breaks his heart, I won’t be able to put it back together because he’s still lying to me and won’t tell me what’s wrong!"

When I finish my rant, Liam is simply nodding sadly.

"Yep." Is all he says.

"So you know then? What the hell he’s keeping from me? Care to share, hmm?" I ask rudely. I don’t even care anymore.

"Not my place to say. Made me promise." He mumbles.

"Fucking hell. Of course he would." I say angrily.

"Typical Louis." We say in unison, but neither of us smile.

"How serious is it?" I ask, worried scenarios running through my head.

Liam stammers, then stays silent. It’s enough. Both of us realize that it means pretty damn bad. Fuck.

"Think he’ll tell me?" I ask shortly.

"Not if you try to yell it out of him. Don’t force it. Let him be honest with you. Make sure he knows he can be. You know how he is. Just make him feel loved and he might open up." Liam explains, and I try to hate what he’s saying but I can’t because it’s all rather true.

"You swallow a psychology book Payne?" I question, my attempt at humor a failure.

"Lots of practice." He mutters.

I don’t like the way that sounds.

****************************************

(Louis’ POV)

As it gets later, we get a little more handsy, but nothing serious. It’s not until Liam taps me on the shoulder that I fully pull away from Colin, and I miss the warmth immediately.

“Hate to be the one to do this, but we’re heading out. You coming with us or are you…” He leaves that open, smiling at Colin timidly.

“Um, yeah I’m coming, just give me a few moments alright?” I say and he nods, patting me on the shoulder before he goes.

I turn back to Colin who is smirking devilishly at me. “Leaving so soon, babe?”

“Look, that’s not what I-”

“I get it, Lou.” He says loudly over the music. “You’re famous! I’m lucky I got to talk to you, let alone snog you. I didn’t expect anything more and I’m really not that kind of guy anyways.”

“Me neither.” I say, sighing with relief. There’s just something about Colin that screams carefree. Just like I’ve always told interviewers I’d like my perfect girl (ha) to be.

“So is this farewell?” He says dramatically, pouting at me. I nudge him playfully, ignoring the blush creeping up my cheeks.

“Definitely not. Can I have your number?” I ask, a tad bit shy.

“Why yes you can, Louis Tomlinson.” He chuckles, taking the phone I offer him and typing away at the keys.

When he’s done he hands it back to me and we stare at each other drunkenly. “You’re kind of awesome.” I say out of the blue, and I see him flush red.

He grabs my hand and pulls me close, our chests bumping and before I know it we’re kissing again, this time over and over, pulling back after each, and I stumble backwards when I can’t take it anymore.

“Okay, geez I need to go before they leave without me.” I tease, shoving his chest.

“Fine, fine. You’ll call me, yes?” Colin questions, and I grin at him hugely.

“I’ll text you first. Then call. I am the whole package after all.” I chuckle.

He leans in to press a chaste kiss to my lips and I bite back a whine.

“See you later, babe.”