I Think I l Love You Better Now (Larry Stylinson)(Rated R for a reason)

(Louis’ POV)

It’s been 3 days since I told Zayn. Since then things have indeed been looking up. Subconsciously we’ve become even closer, and when I’m not sitting with Haz, I’m sitting with Zayn. He shoots me these little reassuring looks whenever he notices the smile leave my face, and I’m grateful for them. Whenever I have a sudden flash of worry, or the sudden urge to cut, I find myself in his hotel room. He’s always there for a hug and even though he offers to talk, I always decline and he doesn’t argue. To which I nearly always say “You’re awesome.” because he really is.

I haven’t cut since that day and while there is this odd ache in my stomach, making me miss the pain, I’m proud. Of course I’ve gone much longer, but this is the start of something new. I want to stop. All together. I hate feeling like I’m a disappointment, and like I’ve done something shameful. And I have, really. But not anymore. I can do this, right? Part of me says no, while the other part that holds onto Zayn’s caring says yes. Yes you can do it, idiot.

So I try and think positive.

Right now we’re all sat in Haz and I’s hotel living room, watching whatever is on telly. I’m cuddled beside Harry and I’m trying desperately hard not to let the butterflies get to me. His laugh is utterly contagious and whenever something sad happens on tv, he pulls me closer by the waist and nuzzles into my neck.

Liam and Niall are chatting about something that I can’t quite catch because every time I listen I hear Harry breathing, or chuckling under his breath.

Zayn is on his phone, occasionally joining into the other boys’ conversation, so with nothing else to do I glance at Harry. My Haz and I are so close that I nearly brush my nose against his cheek. He takes his eyes away from the tv and looks into my own orbs and I swear time freezes. His green eyes meet mine and I see them crinkle as he smiles at me, and a grin immediately spreads on my face.

“You okay?” He nearly whispers, and I feel butterflies swirl in my stomach at the genuine concern hidden behind those eyes.

“Perfect.” I breathe.

He winks and kisses me on the cheek before looking back at whatever the hell we’re watching. I continue to stare at him, heat rushing to my face as I come to terms with the feeling of his soft lips on my stubbly cheek.

Finally I break my eyes away and lean down to settle my head on his chest. Harry absentmindedly plays with my hair and I shiver involuntarily as my face gets impossibly redder.

Then my eyes meet with Zayn and he raises an embarrassing eyebrow. He shoots me a clear look of Enjoying yourself?

I try to scowl at him but it probably looks incredibly sheepish, and I can’t make myself care because Harry’s fingers find their way to the back of my neck and wander over my skin as if mapping my freckles.

Zayn winks at me, grinning evilly. I mouth ‘shut up asshole’ and cuddle closer into Hazza’s chest.

**********************

The next day we’re in the limo after a signing, heading back to the hotel. Harry’s slumped against the window, clearly drained after such an exciting day. Niall’s chatting amicably with Liam about some girl who told him his eyes ‘looked like the ocean and the sky had a baby’. I laugh loudly at that. I’m beside Harry and I try to ignore the fact that his leg is hooked with mine. Zayn is sat to my left and on his phone yet again. I know it’s just because if he isn’t, he’ll fall asleep right there.

“Bored?” He asks, noticing I was looking at him.

I chuckle, caught. “Red handed.” I mutter, glancing out the window as scenery flashed by.

“So there were a few cute guys at the signing.” He says hushedly, and my jaw drops and I whip my head to look at him.

“Zayn!” I say, unable to believe what he’s said.

“What? They’re talking about girls! What’s the difference?” He asks, brow furrowing in a concerned way.

“Well…none I guess.” I mumble. “Just first time someone’s ever said it.”

“Well fine, I can say it again. Any of them catch your eye?” Zayn asks, and I blush, glancing quickly over at Harry, whose leg is still tangled with mine, his green eyes staring at nothing as he thinks. I love that pensive look.

“No.” I say and grin to myself. Zayn raises an eyebrow.

It’s pretty clear to me that he’s caught on. Every time I’m with my Haz he grins and winks, teasing me from across the room. Even now I see him looking at our legs and smiling. But Zayn being Zayn says nothing, knowing I wouldn’t want it brought up.

It’s silent for a few comfortable moments, and then I look back to Zayn as Harry starts playing something on his phone and Niall and Liam’s ‘disagreement’ about dinner heats up.

“I like that you can talk to me about it. Without being weird.” I admit to Zayn quietly. It’s not a common thing; me opening up. But it happens occasionally. He ruffles my hair with a grin.

“It’s not weird.” He says firmly. I know that, but hearing it from him makes it okay.

I realize something’s missing and I look up to see Harry joining the argument, and I figure out what it is. The others don’t know. It doesn’t affect the relationship but…I feel like there’s a barrier there. I know only I feel it because they aren’t aware, but…I want them to be. God, I just want that blockade to go away. Would it change something? Change how they look at me? How Hazza does? God, I hope not.

Zayn elbows me lightly. “Do it.”

“Wh-what?” I stammer, surprised he’d managed to catch on yet again. Sneaky that lad is.

“World’s not gonna blow up Lou. You can say it and you can be proud. They’ll feel the same as I do.” Zayn says, rubbing my arm as encouragement.

“I…I want to. I just worry, you know?” I mutter, fiddling with my fingers, cheeks heating up.

“Just do whatever you want to do, Louis.” He says with a smile, nudges me, and goes back to his phone.

So much for helpful. What the hell am I going to do? I don’t even want to think about it, so I turn my attention to the heated discussion in front of me.

“McDonalds!” Niall argues, hands flying about madly.

“We’ve had that so much lately, come on. Where else is there in America?” Liam asks, but Niall shakes his head.

“I say that Liam and I make pasta quick when we get back, I’m sick of take out.” Harry adds, his leg bumping against mine as he leans forward.

“Oh bloody hell, you guys can’t cook together, you’ll take forever!” Niall complained.

“Excuse me, I work perfectly fine, it’s Liam that’s the problem.”

“Nuh uh!”

“Well if you two are done fighting like a married couple, can we just get some goddamn food?” I finally speak up, all three boys snapping around to look at me as I laugh.

“Shut up Lou.” Liam teases calmly, before leaning back in the seat.

“I still vote McDonalds.” Niall muttered.

“And I still vote you shut the fuck up.” Harry says, throwing caution to the wind.

“Both of you stop. We’re getting close to the hotel, what are we doing for dinner?” Daddy Direction says sternly.

“I want chicken.” Zayn offers, still on his bloody phone.

“Alright then-”

“McDonalds!”

“I don’t want McDonalds!”

“Yeah well I do!”

And then it just seems right. Like it’s the perfect moment. It’s casual, yet they’re vaguely paying attention to me. It’s the right time of the day with the right atmosphere and it’s just right. I glance at Zayn and his eyes widen as he figures it out. The deep set fear on my face probably gave me away yet again.

I looked at my hands and took a deep breath. “I’m gay.” I say quickly. It’s fast and stuttered but clear enough for everyone to hear.

It’s silent and I look up out of worry. Liam’s frozen mid sentence, staring at me with wide eyes. Niall’s mouth is open, hands stuck in midair from whatever point he’d been trying to prove. And my Haz’s eyes meet with mine, green and blue mixing as his face stays perfectly still.

Zayn rubs my shoulder, a proud grin on his face.

“Oh.” Niall says, clearly shocked into a trance.

“So yeah. I get it if things are uncomfortable now or something, but I just-” I start to say, but Liam cuts me off.

“Uncomfortable? No! Just surprised us, that’s all. So…you like guys huh?” He asks, smiling at me. I feel heat rush to my cheeks.

“Uh, yeah.” I say, rubbing the back of my neck as I wish for the pink of my cheeks to fade.

And then Niall’s stumbled across the limo to hug me tightly, earning a laugh from Zayn. He chuckles too and I let myself hug him back tightly, happy as hell that he’s not weirded out.

“That’s so cute Louis!” He says when he pulls away, nearly falling to the floor of the moving vehicle.

“It is?” I ask, dumbfounded.

“Yes! I’m proud of you, honeybunches.” He giggles and I slap him playfully.

“Me too.” Liam adds in and I shoot him a grateful smile.

But then my grin drops and I hesitantly turn my face to look at Haz, who’s stayed silent. Zayn squeezes my shoulder. Harry stares at me, chewing on is lip.

“Hazza?” I ask timidly, nerves on fire. What if he’s angry? Or disgusted? I can’t lose him. God, I’ll die without Harry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks, voice choking. “We tell each other everything.”

“I’m so sorry.” I crack. “I panicked and I thought you’d hate me and then I couldn’t make myself say it because I didn’t want to lose you and…” I trail off, feeling my eyes get wet. “I can’t lose you.”

“You idiot.” He exhales, pulling me into a fierce hug. I feel butterflies work up a storm in my gut as he strokes my hair and I feel myself nuzzle into the crook of his neck. Where I belong.

“I’m sorry.” I mumble into his shirt, smelling the familiar scent of cinnamon and apples.

“Don’t be fucking sorry. I’d never leave you over something so insignificant. I’d never leave you ever.” He says in my ear and I well up further, snuggling close.

“Thank you. God, thank you.” I cry into his chest, hating that I can’t keep a handle on my stupid tears.

I hate that I’m weeping into his chest. I should be happy, I should! Well, I am. But god, it’s just this weight on my shoulders, this invisible daunting weight is finally gone and it’s just really bloody overwhelming.

“Shhh.” Harry coos into my hair, planting a kiss to my forehead. I try and fight off the blush that arises once again.

And it’s warm in his arms and he finds the sensitive spot behind my ear and pulls at the hair there, causing goose bumps to decorate my skin. More tears escape my eyes and wet his shirt, but he makes no motion to move and neither do I.

“You’re still my BooBear.” He says, and I laugh through my tears, hearing the other boys chuckle too.

“You’ll always be my Hazza.” I tease, kissing him on the cheek and pulling away only to have him grab my waist and pull me closer, sitting essentially on top of each other. Once again, I try not to gasp.

The other three boys are looking at us like we’re a movie, and I roll my eyes at them.

“Told you it’d be fine, Lou.” Zayn says, making me shoot him a look that clearly says shut up.

“How come Zayn knew first! I’m just as trustworthy as Zayn!” Niall complains and we all have a small chuckle, and it’s perfect.

Everyone knows and it’s perfect. The wall is gone, the weight has lifted and it’s just honest. Absolutely, brilliantly honest. I grin to myself as we fall back into normal conversations, Harry still pulling at my hair.

“Oh, right, we forgot about dinner.” Liam speaks up. “I think Louis should choose. What do you want?”

I open myself to speak but Niall beats me to it. “Dick, obviously.”

He freezes after he says it, as does everyone else. His face says it all; was that too soon? Nobody speaks, and I feel Harry tighten his grip on me.

But then Niall’s joke really hits me and a bubble of laughter escapes my lips, and soon I’m hysterical, along with everyone else. We can barely breath through our laughing, and I bend over, gasping for breath, and Harry collapses onto me in giggle fits.

Yeah, I could get used to this.