(Harry’s POV)
It’s been a week. Things are…interesting. The boys absolutely will not stop teasing us, no matter what we do. We’re too cuddly, they point it out. Not as cuddly, they point that out. If they catch us kissing they make fun, if they don’t, they complain. We can’t win. Then again, they all react differently. Liam is very protective and sensible, sending us fond smiles when we’re cute, and annoyed eyebrows when we get carried away. Zayn’s been insightful and all around amused. He seems to just know how we’re feeling. Just know exactly when we need space and when we don’t. And then there’s Niall. Niall Horan who has turned into the biggest Larry Stylinson fangirl I’ve ever seen. We get regular texts with links to fan videos and fanfictions about the two of us. And okay, so we’d checked them out. Shut up. Point is, Niall absolutely gushes every time we kiss, or use a pet name, or an innuendo. And it’s kind of adorable, when it’s not out of place. Paul on the other hand is very overprotective, always reminding us to be careful and defending us even more against crazy fans than before. But he’s supportive and teasing as well, so we don’t mind in the slightest.
Lou and I have grown impossibly closer over the last seven days. Our kisses deeper, touches more lingering, sex further and more intimate. We’d both been scared to really go all the way, but we’d worked through it, my fingers easing away his tension and my lips taking away his whimpers as I’d pushed in. Once we’d figured it out, really understood how we could work together, it had become a nightly thing whenever we had hotel rooms. I loved the way his head threw back, flustered and panting as he moaned underneath me. And I even loved the way his nails dug into my lower back hard enough to draw a little blood, the pain being an utter turn on for me (I know, ironic). Tour bus nights sucked, but we dealt with it, just cuddling and snogging until Niall shouted at us from the bunk underneath. And concerts were even better, our bromance moments adding up to the point that Liam pulled us aside one night before we went on to lecture us and tell us off.
And I was falling harder for Lou every day. We found a fairly simple routine, and yet it never got boring. Never. We woke up every morning in each other’s arms, sometimes naked, sometimes not. We’d kiss each other awake, and then while Lou was showering (if in a hotel) or ruffling his hair into a tamed mess (if on the tour bus) I’d make us breakfast. Usually toast and eggs, always in the shape of a heart. If I couldn’t, usually due to being on that damn tour bus, I’d make him a microwave meal. Then we’d sit in front of the television, pop in a movie and feed each other food. The other boys teased us or imitated our sickeningly sweet actions, but we ignored them. After breakfast I’d shower as Louis cleaned up and then settled back into bed, ready to spoon me once I had my hair decent. Then we usually had interviews or photo shoots or concerts and whatnot. But we always found ways to be together, no matter what.
As for Louis’ self harm, he’s been doing fantastic. He’s constantly digging his nails in, but he hasn’t relapsed and I’m always telling him how proud I am. Sometimes during our more intimate moments I’ll kiss them lightly, and he blushes, but I know he doesn’t mind. Sometimes at night I’ll touch one and ask him about it. He’ll explain a story for each slice, most of them breaking my heart. They range from getting a bad mark on a test, to the divorce, to getting third on X Factor, to a fight he and I had, to worrying I didn’t feel the same as him. But every single story had one feeling behind it, and it was being trapped. In his own head. And boy do I know what that feels like.
We’ve been talking about telling our families, but the time isn’t right. We’re coming to the end of our American tour, and then we have a little time to go home before it’s off to Australia, New Zealand and etc, etc. We’ll talk about it, laughing as we imagine the reactions. I know well that Gemma will have a right fit, she’ll be so damn happy. I know my mum will be incredibly squeal-y and supportive, as will Louis’. His sisters will understand, but I know he worries. He can’t help that, and I get it. Hopefully I can help.
So that brings us to today. We’re in a hotel room, and I’m making him breakfast. Instead of toast, I’ve gone over the top and I’m making him eggs and bacon. Lou’s so intrigued by the delicious smell that he’s forgotten all about a shower and is instead sitting in the counter with delight in his eyes. He bumps his legs back and forth as I toss the food about in the pan, sending him smiles. I take a break and put the spatula down, taking a step and positioning myself between his legs. He grins at me, connecting his arms behind my neck.
“Hi.” He breathes.
“Hello.” I whisper, touching our noses together.
“You’re seriously the hottest person alive, you know that?” Louis says, quirking an eyebrow. I feel myself flush.
“Shut up, beautiful.” I quip, kissing him.
He responds, pulling me closer and moving his lips against mine with a rhythm only we could manage. His tongue flicks out to swipe along my upper lip and I whine as I allow him access. His fingers twirl my hair and mine trail down his sides, settling on his hips. I’m about to pull his chest to mine when there’s a knock on the door.
“Fuck,” I pull away breathlessly. “I forgot the boys were coming over.”
“You mean I don’t get you all to myself this morning, bub?” Louis teases and I kiss him cheekily before extracting myself from his grip.
“They wanted to watch some movie Nialler’s on about. I’ll go let them in, could you flip the eggs for me?” I ask, walking out of the kitchen and sending him a grin.
“Will do!” Lou salutes and I laugh. God I love him.
I jog towards the door, opening it only after checking my unruly curls in the mirror and just giving in, knowing it’s useless to try and tame them.
Niall is bouncing in the hallway, Liam chuckling at him and Zayn rolling his eyes.
“Well hello there.” I smile, moving to allow them in.
“Did you forget?” Zayn asks, gesturing to my boxers and my bare chest. I elbow him to the ribs.
“I was a little caught up in my boyfriend thank you.” I chuckle, following them slowly into the hotel room.
“EW!” Liam laughs and I catch on.
“Oh god, I don’t mean like that you pervert!” I say, flushing.
“Ah but I have a feeling you did last night, hmm?” Niall says and I cough, sputtering.
“I hate you.” I mutter, ignoring all their laughter. “Go put the stupid movie in, we’ll be there in a second.”
They chuckle but do as I say, walking past the kitchen and into the living room, plopping onto the couch. I’m relatively excited for today. It’s nice to just relax with the boys before a tv interview and another concert.
But my happiness dies when I walk into the kitchen and freeze. Lou is standing over the pan, spatula dropped on the counter. His face is contorted and his wrist is hovering a mere centimeter from the burning hot pan.
My mind races and somehow it all clicks together. Instantly I’m across the room, Lou not noticing until I grab his waist and jerk him backwards. He stumbles with me and we fall to the floor, a clatter sounding as a plate topples off the counter with us.
I turn Louis over and pin him to the cabinet, and he’s crying, coming to his senses. I put my hands on the sides of his arms and I shake him, welling up myself.
“What were you thinking?” I ask, hysterical.
“I don’t know.” Louis sobs against me, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry.”
“God, Louis, don’t ever do that to me.” I cry, kissing him over and over again. “Don’t do that to yourself.”
“I’m sorry, it just…I mean…and I…” But he’s crying too much and he can’t explain himself but I don’t care because he’s okay and that’s all I want.
“Shhh.” I soothe, taking his wrists in mine and checking them over, nearly beaming in relief as I see that he hadn’t done anything. “It’s okay, babe, shhh.”
And then I look up when I hear a quick inhale of breath and see all three boys in the doorway. It looks like Zayn has pieced it together, and I watch as Liam does as well. Niall takes a second but once he sees the pan and Lou’s wrists in my grip, his face falls.
“I’m sorry.” Louis whimpers, his sobs stopping, but he’s clutching to me like he might die if he doesn’t.
“No, stop that. We’ll deal with it later. I love you, you know that right?” I say, and Lou pulls away from me.
He looks at me like that is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “Yes.”
“Then you know that I’m not angry. Just…” I trail off, looking around at the broken plate on the floor and the now nearly burning bacon. “Go sit with Liam and Niall, okay? Zayn, could you help me clean up?”
Zayn nods and I help Louis stand up, but he throws his arms around me, face nuzzling into my neck. I know he needs the comfort so I kiss the spot behind his ear repeatedly, murmuring sweet nothings to him until I feel him relax.
I pull away to kiss him fiercely for just a moment, and then lean our foreheads together. “Go, it’s okay.”
He pulls away and follows Liam and Niall out of the room, sending me a guilty glance, normally bright eyes dark with emotion. And then Zayn flicks off the burner on the oven and then drops to his knees with an exhausted sigh, picking up the bigger pieces of the ruined plate.
“I’m assuming that’s the first time he’s done that.” He says absently.
I haven’t moved though, and I’m not listening. I’m just staring at the floor, lost in shocked thought. God, am I not doing my job? Am I not being a good friend? Boyfriend? Am I missing something? I must be, because I swear that just a few minutes ago Lou and I had been happy. Right?
“Hey!” Zayn snaps his fingers, startling me out of my trance. “I asked if you were okay.”
“No.” I mutter, but say nothing more, just go for a broom and begin sweeping things up.
********************************************
(Louis’ POV)
I sit down on the couch, numb. I don’t know what I’d been thinking. I’d been flipping the eggs and bacon and that. And then I just…wasn’t. I’d just been caught up and frozen and the pan was hot and right there and…I dunno. I just kind of moved like I was in a trance and I wasn’t in control anymore. I miss it. I miss the pain so much, and I’d seen an opportunity and took it. Almost. Like always, my Hazza saved me. How does he do that? Once again, I dunno. But I’m glad he did.
I glance up and see Niall and Liam looking at me fiercely. God, I hate myself. I hate my stupid issues and this stupid mistake and stupid everything. I hate everything.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” I snap angrily. I can’t help it.
Niall flinches and looks away, but Liam seems even more pissed off.
"Do you have any idea how stupid that was? Do you even know-" Liam begins, but Niall puts a hand over his mouth, quite literally blocking him from saying more.
At first he looks angry at the Irish boy, but he gives in with a frustrated sigh. Leaving me to hate myself even more.
I can hear Harry and Zayn cleaning up in the kitchen. I hadn’t meant to make a mess, just when Harry had scared me and pulled me away I’d grabbed onto whatever I could out of reflex and it happened to be a plate. And now I feel even guiltier.
I’ve managed to ruin everything. I’ve managed to ruin everyone’s day, and destroyed any remnants of a happy mood. Once again our sadness is on me. Why? Because I’m a fucking idiot that’s why.
I curl into myself on the corner of the couch, unable to look at anyone right now. My fingernails find my wrist and dig into the skin, desperately trying to get me out of this situation. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to be a disappointment, I don’t want to be a failure. That’s all I’ve ever been really.
I scrape my nails across my skin, biting back a hiss as they drag across sensitive areas. I miss this. I miss when I could just turn off my brain and cut and nothing else mattered. It was perfect.
"Uh, Louis?" Niall says and I glance up, realizing he can see my hands. They both can.
"Leave me alone." I mumble, a stupid defense kicking in.
"No! God, Louis, you were doing so well! What went wrong? Why the hell would you do that?" Liam rants loudly and my nails sink in further.
"Not gonna answer? You can’t run from your problems!" Liam shouts, Niall trying to calm him and failing.
I stand up, facing him with a red face and probably embarrassingly wet eyes.
"I know that Liam! You think I don’t? Harry’s the one who runs! I’m not running. I’m trying to fucking deal with everything and I’m sorry if that’s not what you want but guess what dad? You don’t get a say in my life.” I say, deathly furious.
Niall looks taken aback, but Liam arches an eyebrow angrily.
He steps forwards and I feel worry wash over me. I’ve never seen him this furious, not even when he found out. Not even when Haz found out.
He goes to speak, probably to say something else that’s undeniably true and hurtful, but he doesn’t get that far.
Suddenly Harry’s there, back to Liam. His hands snake around my waist and pull me close to him. I inhale his cinnamon cologne and lose myself in it, deflating into his warm chest.
"Shhh." He soothes, and I feel myself melt into him, arms wrapping around his shoulders, head finding its spot in the crook of his neck.
His hands dance across my back, rubbing circles in just the right places under our ‘Harry hearts Louis’ T-shirt and finally my walls just break again, and I cry into him, tears wet against bare skin.
"Up." He says softly and I do as he asks, hopping upwards for him to grab under my legs, hooking them around his waist.
He spins us around and sits down on the couch, me straddling him and burying my head in his chest.
"Uh, maybe you guys should just go." Harry says, looking at the boys.
I whirl around to see them staring. Niall looks like he’s absolutely disappointed with Liam, who’s glaring at the floor. Zayn is separated from them, leaning against the door frame thoughtfully.
I should be angry. I should want them all out of here, allowing me to lose myself in my Hazza. But I don’t. They’re still my best friends, no matter what they do or say.
"No." I say softly. "They don’t need to leave."
"You sure, Boo?" Harry asks quietly, and I nod, falling back into place against his chest.
"Okay. Do I still get to show you this super awesome movie?" Niall asks brightly.
I giggle into Harry’s neck, and it induces a few little chuckles around the room.
"Is that a yes, Larry Stylinson?" He questions, and I’ve never been so grateful for him.
He’s managed to turn everything around with a sentence. How he does that, I’ll never know. Leprechaun powers I suppose.
"That’s a yes." Harry answers for us and I snuggle closer.
Niall puts in the movie and plops down next to us with a grin. Zayn sits on the other couch, as well as Liam who’s as far away as possible. I don’t blame him for not wanting to sit with me.
Hazza draws on my back with his fingers, lips kissing my messy hair. I didn’t realize until now but suddenly I’m exhausted. Everything just falls onto my shoulders and I’m so, so tired.
I shift, moving to sit beside him in order to snuggle close, essentially lying on his chest. He obviously doesn’t mind, and settles for massaging my head, twirling his fingers in my hair much like I do to him. And it’s like a lullaby, and soon my mind is going blank and my eyelids are falling shut.
Harry begins to hum a song that I can’t place, but the vibrations run through me and before I know it, I fall asleep.