Ameina’s POV

Before you make up your mind, I just want you to know how hard I tried to stop cutting. I did try, I promise. It's just that sometimes, trying hard isn't good enough. Apparently, life throws lemons at some people. Not me. It throws boulders at me. If they hit you, you fall down, and then pick yourself up again, not quite the same as before, but still in one piece. More or less. But other times, they crush you. Their weight crumbles you into the dust and no matter what you do, you can't get back up again. Not without help. But help isn't always there when you need it, is it?


That's what life does to you, and sometimes I wonder if it is worth it.


But surely, surely there is someone in some place that makes everything right again. That turns the lights back on when they have faded out. That someone was probably Niall.


There are voices in the distance telling me that it gets better, but I haven't seen any proof yet, and I don't even know if I ever will. There are other voices that say that lying gets you nowhere, but right now, nowhere seems a nice place to be. And I know that it isn't true.


Lying takes you much further than the truth anyway. Lies are like warm sweaters. They wrap themselves around you and keep the cold out, but you never notice that they are choking you.


I hate lies. I hate the lies I've told and the lies I've heard, but they have rolled me into a safe place, and if I only stopped remembering the truth, then I could maybe, just maybe, be happy here.


But I don't trust this safe place of mine, it’s doors are covered in rusty nails, all facing me, waiting for me to try to find my way out.


It's going to hurt, I know that much. I'm getting there though. One hand is sticking out, and it seems to be unbroken.


It's a start, but not nearly enough. I still haven't recovered from the last time I cut, not fully. The scars are still there, glistening in the moonlight, unforgiving, smiling and cruel. Somehow, they always seem to get in the way.


But right now, my safe place – which I consider is my room – isn’t that safe after all. It's perched somewhere high, somewhere insecure and I'm afraid that if I move too fast, both it and I are going to stumble away into unconciousness. Trust me, unconciousness doesn't look that great from where I'm standing, not anymore.


Once, I could spend hours just standing here. I thought I was in control, but I wasn't, not then, and not now. At least I know the truth about that now though. Sometimes it hurts you more to stay where you are, but if things can't get any worse, then it's best to stay and hope that they will get better.


At least that way the only person that you are hurting is yourself. I was getting better though. I could fight the hands that guide me into places that I don't want to be. But some nights, I just can't fight them away. I let them in, and they destroy me.


Later, I feel guilty. I always do. It makes no difference though. I should have fought, I could have fought, and I might have won. But I didn't, and the marks are there and no matter how hard I try, I can't hide them.


For the time being though, I think I am going to stick around. There is too much to stay for and in your eyes, life is running smooth. I hope that one day, it will do and I can tell you the truth.


So before you make up your mind, I just want you to know how hard I am trying. I do try, I promise. It's just that sometimes, trying hard isn't good enough. Anyone could tell me where I went wrong, or say that they understand, but the problem is that I'm not sure if they do. I just want you to say one thing.


I know.

---

I emotionlessly walked down the stairs, heading toward the dinner table. Mom and Dad are away on a business trip for a week, leaving me and Anesha alone in the house with our neighbor, Rose, checking on us every now and then.


Rose is nice. I’m guessing she’s in her early thirties. She brings us cookies to eat every christmas with elf and santa hat shapes. I’m glad she never asked why I look so sick now. I’ve noticed the way Anesha and Niall look at me now. So worried and fretful. But I don’t want their pity.


Anesha was on the phone with Zayn, planning a date. It’s good that they’re on dates often. It gives me a lot of time alone at home.


Summer has started a week ago, and I’m really happy about it. Niall has left me alone, but I see him sometimes when Anesha drags me along with her to meet up with Zayn at the park. I must say, those two look quite cute together.


I cut myself the night Niall turned up at my door. I was so sad and depressed. I felt like nobody needed me to exist anymore. But that was the last time I cut. I’m still not feeling well, though. The scars on my skin may be healing, but the scars on my heart aren’t. Niall can’t undo what he’s done to me, and I can’t undo what I’ve done to myself either.


You may think I’m a bit immature for not forgiving Niall. Yeah, sure, he’s sweet, but you wouldn’t freaking like it when the hugest crush you had in your life kisses some girl that bullied you no matter what nice things he’s done for you. You most likely won’t forgive him.


I realized that Anesha has been calling my name, and I staggered. Her expression looked quite annoyed.


“What?” I responded. She grunted.
“I’m going to the ice cream parlor to meet Zayn, are you coming with me?” she asked, still a bit irritated.
I nodded. “Let me get dressed.”


I went back upstairs and put a jacket and a scarf on. I was already wearing leggings and socks, so I headed downstairs to get my boots.


I went out the door with Anesha. I saw Zayn’s silver Innova waiting outside. He opened the car door for Anesha and she kissed his cheek. Now I get why she likes him so much.


Zayn smiled at me and I smiled back. I entered the backseat and sighed. I’m guessing we’re going to the ice cream parlor me and Niall used to go to.


“’Mei?” Anesha glanced at me, “do you think we should invite your friend to come with us?”
“Claire?” I asked, “uh, su-sure.”


“Where does she live?” Zayn questioned, starting the car.
“73 Cherry Tree Lane.” I responded.


He started to drive to Claire’s house. I stayed silent in the car while Anesha and Zayn were having a conversation. I didn’t really pay attention to it, as I plugged in my earphones and listened to music.


As Lego House by Ed Sheeran was playing halfway, we reached Claire’s house. I paused the song and put my phone and earphones down on my seat as I went down to knock on Claire’s door.


I haven’t really talked to Claire much lately. I guess I was just too depressed to talk to her. I needed some alone time.


I walked up the steps on her porch. Claire had a nice house. It has two floors and there were two rocking chairs out at the porch, which I find quite cool. She has a piano inside too. She said she and her brother like to play it.


I knocked three times and waited for a moment. Claire answered the door. She was wearing a pink hair clip and a pink tank top with neon green shorts.


She smiled.
“Hi!” she greeted cheerfully, hugging me. “Dude, where have you been? You haven’t talked to me since forever!”
“Sorry, sorry.” I responded, “I was just a little busy.”
“Yeah, I know, Niall and everything, right?”
I froze when she pronounced Niall’s name. An image of him pleading for my forgiveness appeared in my head, but I shrugged it off.


“Um, me and my sister are going to the ice cream pa-”
“I’m in.”


Before I could say anything else, she ran upstairs, got dressed and went back downstairs. She added a dark purple jacket to her outfit and replaced her shorts with violet denim jeans.


Claire was always so colorful and stylish. She has tried to get me some colorful clothes like hers but I’d rather stick to my regular dark outfits.


We got in the car together and sat in the backseat. Then we drove off to the ice cream parlor. And now I’m just staring out the window, hoping, just hoping that I won’t see Niall.