Life of a Direction-ette

I think I can honestly say that I'm getting better. Well, not all at once, but surely. I spent most of the last week of tour apologizing. It was very unnecessary I'm starting to eat more and I can't self harm with everyone eyeing me like a hawk, so i'm also becoming more social.

I took Jess with me to London to look for apartments since I really needed to move to England.

"When are you gonna talk to Zayn?" She asks me while peeking her head into one of the bedrooms of an apartment.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

I run my hand along the wall paper, feeling for the texture. I haven't been talking to Zayn lately. It mainly started after he saw me cry. I don't cry often or even show emotion of pain but he saw me at that state. I'm not sure when I'll get to confidence to talk to him again... It's best to just forget about it for a while.

"Well, he's been talking to the boys about you a lot. Well, both him and Harry. Harry said you talked to him about it, but what about Zayn?" She questions me as she looked in the closet. It was a walk-in closet so I kind of liked it.

"How do you know about that?" I ask, half trying to change the subject, the other half trying figure out her source.

"Me and Niall have been talking-"

"When did that happen " I interrupt. Honestly, it made no sense for her and Niall to converse, so for them to actually be talking amazed me.

"When I came to visit." She says simply. Her eyes run over the circular windows before turning to me.

"Interesting." I murmur. I walk down the hall towards the restroom and soon hear Jess follow.

"Why is it interesting Just friends talking.... Chating even." She rambles. She begins to explain the whole story that I am, honestly, not really listening to.

"Cool." I say once she finishes. She takes a deep breath before she says, "Seriously. Talk to Zayn."

"I will, soon. Or when I feel like it. I'm just..." I trail off. Thinking of anything to put in there I say, "Really into Harry."

She raises a brown eyebrow at me as she interrogates. "Really?" I nod sheepishly before turning back down the hall.

"I'm not looking for anything serious." I tell her as we make our way back outside. We already said our goodbyes to the landlord.

"And you think that dating Harry isn't anything serious? He likes you, like really likes you." She states matter a factually.

"No. I don't. I think of it as really good sex. Okay?" I tell her. She rolls her eyes at me.

"You're gonna have to chose, you know."

"What do you mean?" I ask her. She was surprising really good when it came to making big decisions.

"Between Zayn and Harry. You can't have both of them to yourself " She tells me bluntly. We turn down another corner as I place my hands in my pockets.

"Why do I have chose? Why can't they just been my friends?"

"Because, they aren't just friends to you. You can't be just friends with someone, Char. That's not how friends work when one of them likes the other."

"Well, I think it can, for the time being. Just until I can figure it out."

"Char, you have to choose." She says as she stops on the side walk. I turn around to look at her.


"Right now?" I ask.

"Yep. Right now." She tells me sternly. I purse my lips and look up at the grayish sky.

You have to choose. Right now. Right here.

"Harry." I breathe. She kind of just looks at me for a second.

"Okay." She says as she links her arm with mine, "If that's who you want right now, then cool. As long as you know that I completely am on you side."

I nod and we begin to walk again. It was a peaceful walk filled with giggles and whispers.

~

I chose later that same week to talk to Zayn. My palms are sweaty and I can't help but fidget. I knock once, then again.

"Yes?!"

"It's Charlie!" I yell; I'm not really sure if he could hear me if I said with an inside voice. He opened the door quickly with furrowed eyebrows.

"What is it?" He asks once he see's me. He's wearing some jeans with a sweatshirt and his hair is pulled back into a beanie I fumble over my words once I realize that he doesn't seem so glad to see me.

"Um, I think we should talk." I say to him. He lets me in to his apartment and it's sleeker and more modern than the ones I've been looking at. I sit on the edge of one of the black leather couches.

"Can you make it quick? I really have to be some where." He tells me as he starts to rummage around the apartment. It's clean-ish; not to posh but not to grungy.

"Sure. I'm sorry for not talking to you a lot, lately. I've just been trying to face reality-"

"But you've been talking to Harry and the rest of the lads." He interrupts as he stops rummaging. He looks at me for a second, probably waiting for me to continue. I let my blue-green eyes flicker to my flats as I ponder on what to say next.

"I know but-"

"Why is that? Do you not trust me anymore?"

I look back up at him and notice he is a bit angrier now. I open my mouth to say something but he beats me to it.

"I just don't get it."

"Zayn, that's just it. You don't get it. You like to talk and elaborate on things, but I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to have fun and party and get wasted. I didn't want to keep talking about it." I tell him. He looks at me and nods as if he is starting to understand me.

"You could have told me that. I would have understood. It wasn't like it could have been that hard to tell me." He says to me and I don't think I say anything in return.

"I didn't know how you would react. Now I know." I say while moving my hands around. I figure it's best to keep my hands folded on my lap.

"You can leave now, Charlie. I get it." He says after a while. I look back up at him; he's farther away now.

"But I thought we were still talking-"

"Go talk to your boyfriend." He tells me simply. I furrow my eyebrows and let what he said register.

"Okay." I tell him. I had a really big bottle words that I just wanted to unleash but I couldn't use them. I don't want to.

"Okay?" He asks.

I nod before repeating, "Okay. I completely understand."

I hopped off the couch arm and walk to the door.

"I'll remember that when you want to talk in the middle of the night. Okay? Okay." I say one last time before I leave, slamming the door harshly.