Aria’s P.O.V.

Normal.

It was hard trying to be that when your life was anything but. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was living a normal life, normal was no longer a word that could be used to describe my life story.

Niall was on the phone talking to Zayn about the things he had missed at the conferences. Apparently, it wasn’t anything too serious or hard to catch up on, according to what I had eavesdropped in on. I sat on my bed, going through Instagram posts. Harry and Corryn had posted a picture of themselves with Nate and Nicolette the day they had babysat them. I liked the picture but decided to forgo the comments, as there would likely be hurtful ones about my children.

I eventually put my phone down in boredom and stared up at the ceiling, wondering what my life had come to. Whatever it had come to, I hated it.

The Victoria’s Secret bag still sat on the chair by the window, untouched since a few days ago. I wondered exactly when I would use those. The soft sound of my watch filled the room, the only thing audible other than silence.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock. The sound of time passing by drove me crazy. Each second flying by, wasted. Lying here, nothing was getting done. Time was being wasted. What if I wasn’t alive tomorrow? What if one of my children was not alive tomorrow? What if both were gone tomorrow? Stiff, I felt stiff. And the baby. Would they find some way to take her away from me? Injure me to injure her? Injure her to injure me? Ache. My body ached.

Painkillers would do the trick.

I stood up and went to the bathroom, opening the small cabinet over the side of the sink. My head pounded and there was an unfamiliar ringing in my ears. I grabbed onto the edge of the counter and took a deep breath, trying to cope with the sudden pain spreading through my body. What was this?

I locked the door.

I swallowed a painkiller.

I’d felt this too much, yet too little. Pain, it was so distracting, so hurtful, yet so good. Especially now. This was what I needed. It clouded my mind of all other thoughts. Maybe I just needed to fine my neutral zone. Where I could live in pain and peace at the same time.

I took another pill.

This would never seem right. It never had. Drugging myself to a comfort zone was a crime to me. Or it had been. Now it seemed like my only option. I had let my thoughts consume me, my worries, my doubts, everything. Pushing them away hadn’t done me any good. They always sought revenge.

This was the payback.

My eyes fell to a pink razor lying on the rim of the sink. It was calling my name. I grabbed it, and stared at it long and hard.

It had been a while since I cut myself.

I slid the razor across my wrist, pain erupting on contact. Blood spilled out of my wrist. Cut after cut, blood came, and numbness along with it.

I wasn’t thinking anymore. Painkiller after painkiller, child dying after child dying, blood and more blood, bullets, dead birds, messages, threats, broken windows, ambulances, screaming, crying, devastation, terror, broken hearts.

It was too much to deal with.

One long slide of the razor to my stomach. One more for no reason. Another because I was no longer controlling myself.

One more tablet, I thought. One more to take all my pain away. I felt around the floor for the bottle, because my vision wasn’t helping anymore. Everything was a big blur. This was what they wanted. Whoever wanted my kids dead, whoever wanted me dead, they had won.

If Niall wouldn’t let me leave, there were other options.

Suddenly, there was banging on the door, but it was only so much of an echo to me. It was distant, everything seemed distant. I grabbed the bottle, taking out the second to last pill in the plastic case. I couldn’t tell what color it was anymore. White, blue, red, orange, green?

Red.

Blood red.

Blood.

My tears were silent, but somehow they seemed to be louder than anything else. I’d had breakdowns, but this was an understatement. Another bang on the door, another yell. Was it Niall? Was it Nate? Was it Nicolette?

The door opened, slamming against the wall behind it. A tall figure stepped in.

“Aria!”

It must have been a yell, but I only heard a whisper. My tears seemed louder, louder, louder. Everything seemed to spin, like a ferris wheel. Slower, then faster. Then slower, and faster again.

I couldn’t feel the ground anymore. There was a punch inside my stomach, something I could actually feel. It hurt too much. I yelped.

The baby.

She kicked again, and again. Almost as if she were telling me to stop. To get a grip.

To stop killing her.

To stop killing both of us.

Suddenly, I was struggling for breath, the pounding in my head louder and more painful than ever.

I wasn’t in the bathroom anymore. The ground beneath me was softer, more comfortable than the tile floor. It was a mattress. I heard myself screaming, yelling, crying, but I couldn’t feel it. I was all numb. The tall figure, Niall, it was Niall, had a phone pressed to his ear.

I heard voices of all tones, deep, high, squeaky. Scary, deadly, terrifying. My eyes closed, but I still saw things. I saw a baby in me, like the one on the screen, a baby I was killing. What was I thinking? What had I done?

I had tried to escape.

Niall took my hand, his voice rising over all the others I could hear. He squeezed it gently, but for my body it was too hard. Too hard. I screamed loud, the highest I’d heard myself scream, but I felt nothing.

The last thing I heard were Niall’s tears screaming louder than mine.

---

Beep, beep, beep. Beep, beep, beep.

Shut up, my voice echoed in my head. Beep, beep, beep.

“Do you think we should put more fluid in?” a voice echoed.

“I think we already put in than we should have. We’ll have to let her boy do the work.”

“Look, the meters becoming steady.”

“Wonderful.”

I felt something being pricked into my vein afterward, and slowly, my vision cleared. I made out two unfamiliar feminine faces, both smiling down at me.

“How are you feeling, m’am?” the blonde haired nurse asked, while putting some sort of anti-bacterial wipe over the area she had pricked. I just nodded lightly because my throat felt clogged up. I wanted Niall. My kids. I needed to see their faces.

“Where are they?” I cleared my throat of it’s raspyness.

“You’re husband?” the brunette nurse asked. I nodded. “He’s waiting outside, but you’re not in condition to see him right now, m’am. We need to make sure you’re at least ninety percent okay before visitors are allowed.”

“He’s family.” I argued, feeling anger build up inside me. “He’s my husband.”

“I understand that, m’am.” The brunette nurse said. “But right now, you just need to rest.”

“I need to see him.” I protested. I didn’t know why I wasn’t giving up. Maybe because I had given up too much in the past.

“Please, m’am, you need to calm down. We can’t allow you to see-“

“My name is Aria, not m’am.” I snapped.

The blonde nurse whispered something to the brunette, making her sigh.

“Ten minutes at the most, m’am.” The blonde nurse said, while the brunette went out to get Niall.

“Thank you.” I whispered, truly relieved.

Niall entered the room tear stains covering his face. His hair was disheveled and large bags hung below his eyes. He looked hurt, and I realized it was because of me. He came and stood at the side of the bed, then pulled a chair from the corner and sat down.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he croaked, his lips already quivering. The room was silent when I didn’t answer. I gulped and squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn’t cry.

“I’m sorry.”

“You promised me,” he shivered. “You promised me six years ago that you would never hurt yourself again.” He gripped the side of the bed. “You fucking promised.”

I stared at him, his tired, broken face. “I’m sorry.”

“That’s all you have to say to me?” Niall’s voice rose slightly.

“I let everything get to me.” I tried to explain, but he was mad, and that broke me more than anything. “I never meant for this to happen.”

“God, Aria,” he threw his arms up in the air, frustrated. “Wake up. You aren’t the only one dealing with this. I’m going through just as much as you are. I have to worry about our kids lives too, every single day. I have to keep you safe; I have to keep this family together. You’re so damn selfish and it’s pissing me off. You think killing yourself is the way to get out of this? Newsflash, it’s not going to stop for us.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks as he spoke. Every single word he said got thrown into my face as reality. Everything I had failed to realize, he was telling me.

“You have kids to care for, friends and family who need you. You can’t consume yourself in your own problems because there are people out there with way bigger problems. And how do you think I felt, walking into a bathroom to see you with blood all over your wrists and an empty pill bottle on the floor? It hurt me more than you will ever know. It gave me problems I never thought I’d have.”

“I…I…”

“You’re lucky the baby is still alive.”

I looked up at that, tears stinging my eyes.

“What?”

“Yeah,” Niall nodded with a huff. “You know she died, but they brought her back. They had to pump extra fluids for two days in a row to get her heart beating again.”

“I didn’t even know.” I shook my head. “I didn’t realize-“

“There’s a lot of things you didn’t realize, Aria.” He growled lowly. “Seriously, you need to grow up and handle things like an adult for once, or there are going to be bigger problems.”

Niall stood up, dusted his jeans off, and left without another word. My hands flew to my stomach, the bump still there. I had hated this bump. I had thought it made me look fat, bigger, and uglier.

I hadn’t quite registered the beautiful little girl who made that bump.

Niall was right. I was an extremely selfish bitch and I needed to get my shit together immediately. But as I felt my body shake, and erupt with tears, I decided I would start tomorrow.
Right now, I just needed to cry.

---

I spent two days in therapy, a really annoying doctor asking me about my reasons for attempting suicide. The most annoying part was the fact that he was so calm. Everything he said should have been a little more exaggerated. Instead his monotone voice made me was to grab his head and bang it against a table.

Maybe I needed this therapy.

After my last session, I was given a small plate with bread, a small brown, and a disgusting looking casserole. This was what I had been consuming over the past four days, and it was absolutely disgusting. Niall hadn’t come to visit again, notifying me that he was clearly pissed. The brunette nurse, whose name I had learned was Nurse Reid, led me back to my room and got me situated in bed. She took my blood pressure and took a blood sample in other to make sure I was fully toxication free.

I sat in my room alone, the air conditioner on too high, with no one to hold me.

This was what I deserved.

However, there was a knock on the door shortly after, and Niall came into the room. He wore the purple snapback I had loved on him years ago, and it still looked really nice on him. He had a small sling bag strapped over his shoulder which he held securely.

“Hi,” he nodded shortly at me, sitting down in the chair beside my bed.

“Hi.” I bit my lip hard, causing blood to seep out.

“How are you?”

“Good.”

“Have they been treating you alright?”

“Yes.”

“And is the food okay?”

“Yes.” I lied.

“You’re lying.” Niall smiled a little, but only a little. “Which is why I brought these.” He pulled out a jar of pickles, and a Mc Donald’s take out bag.

My smile grew as I took the food from him. “Thank you.”

He didn’t say anything in return. I felt uncomfortable as he watched me eat, but it as better than having no one. His eyes burned holes into my body as he stared.

“The doctor said they’re releasing you tomorrow.” He cleared his throat. “I wasn’t supposed to tell, but well, you know.”

“Oh.” I nodded. “Are Nate and Colette doing okay?”

“Yeah.” He answered. “They’re at Harry’s house right now.”

“Do they know…” I trailed off, but Niall got what I was asking.

“No.” he said. “You really think I’d put that kind of influence on them?”

His words struck me hard.

“Can you leave?” The words fell out of my mouth involuntarily, but I couldn’t help that he was being incredibly rude. However, it was my fault he was acting this way.

“Why?” Niall frowned. “What happened?”

“I’m just not feeling too well.” I lied. “I need to be alone.”

Niall’s eyebrows furrowed in worry, the first real emotion I’d seen in him today. He scooted closer to me, but not close enough for me to touch him. “Should I get a nurse?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I just need to be alone.”

“Oh.” Sadness washed over Niall’s face, but he quickly covered it up with a hard look. “Okay.”
He got up and headed towards the door, but when he put his hand on the doorknob, he froze. I watched him turn back around, his teeth latched to his bottom lip.

“I love you, Ari.”

I couldn’t say it back because I was crying too hard.

---

Niall’s P.O.V.

I stood behind Aria as she stepped into the house. She had been silent the whole ride home, staring out the window the entire time. She set her bag down on the counter and went upstairs. I followed close behind her until she reached our bedroom.

“Can I have a second?” she asked, the first words I had heard from her today. I was extremely hesitant by her request, but nodded anyways. I left the room and went into my office, sitting down in the chair. I ran my hands through my hair a few times and took a few deep breaths. I couldn’t decide whether she was ignoring me or if she was just not in the mood for talking.

It was quiet in our room, and the door wasn’t closed either. A few minutes passed and I began to wonder just what Aria was doing. Part of me said I should give her some time to herself, while the other more dominant half made me get up and go see what was going on. I walked back across the hall to our room and peeked inside.

Aria stood without a shirt on in front of the full length mirror outside the bathroom. Her hands were on her stomach, and she smiled down at the baby bump. She tilted her head to the side as if to get a better angle of the bump, then tilted her head in the opposite direction. Her smile grew a bit more, to where I could almost see her teeth. She looked up just as I stepped in.

I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her waist, my hands landed on top of hers which were on her stomach. I folded my hands over hers, part of my skin making contact with her small bump.

“I almost lost her.” Aria gulped, leaning back into my chest. “I can’t believe I killed her.”

“I’m sorry I was harsh on you.” I said instead. “The first day I came in, I totally lashed out of you. I should have controlled myself.”

“No,” Aria looked at me from the mirror. I stared and our reflection, then the reflection of her face. “You told me the truth that day. I am selfish. I didn’t think. I never think. And sure, you may have been harsh, brutally harsh, but at least you didn’t hide the truth from me.”

“I was so mad that I let that happen.”

“Don’t blame this on yourself.” She whispered, her voice angelic. “You can’t commit suicide for someone else. It was my decision.”

“I could have stopped you.”

“Niall, listen.” She turned around and faced me. The things going through my mind at the sight of her without her shirt on were a bit over the top. “Every time I make a mistake that is fully my fault, you find a way to turn the blame on yourself. That hurts more than anything; the fact that you think everything is your fault. I just need you to tell me that for once, all of this is my fault. Can you please do that?”

“But I-“

“Please.” Aria exhaled, her blue eyes shining up at mine. “I just need to hear it.”

“It’s your entire fault.” I forced out. “Everything that happened was your fault.”

Aria let out a breath. “Thank you.”

“Not.” I coughed out afterward. I burst out laughing for no particular reason and Aria soon followed, the two of us laughing childishly, freely, as if we had not a care in the world.

As if we were normal.

But we were far from that. Normal was way out of our league.

Notes

Had alot of time on the car drive back home, so here's another chapter :) I like your reactions from the last chapter hahaha

This chapter was really depressing and i almost shed a tear while writing it, but I don't think I've ever actually cried while writing. Oh wait, maybe once, but not this time. Anyways, do you think things will be looking up from here onward, or do you think theres more tears to come??