With Flecks of Gold

“Am I fat, grandma?”

That was the million-dollar question.

The question of the decade.

The question that would decide everything.

Whatever you wanted to call it.

That was it.

It hung in the air like a dead leaf hanging lifelessly off of a maple tree on a breezy autumn day, only moments before it was released to the ground, rotting there for the rest of the year.

Until it simply disappears.

“Am I fat?”

“No, you’re not fat.”

“Am I chubby?”

“Well… you’re not skinny.”

Ouch.

“What…? What do you mean?”

“You could stand to lose a few pounds.”

‘A few pounds.’

‘A FEW POUNDS.’

She might as well have told me to go die, to kill myself that very moment. Her comments burned and boiled my insides little by little, inch by inch, they ate through the thick lining of my stomach, burning a gaping hole through the center. You could see right through me.

That was six years ago. Six years.

A lot can happen in six years, you know.

My dad would die.

My grandfather would die.

I would be abused.

I would be neglected.

It's no surprise, you've heard it all before, I'm sure.

I would be wasting away my every living minute, hoping one day soon God would take my life for good. My soul would just be a breeze. Perhaps a sudden gust of wind.

One of those breezes you feel and think to yourself, “Oh,” and “Where did that come from?”

I wanted to sail the clouds on a wind surfer.

I wanted to drink hearty glasses of sunshine when the moon was out.

I wanted to watch, to look, to listen to the pitter-patter of footsteps from the people still alive on earth.

I wanted to be perfect, and I wanted to die.

I wanted to smell the sweet scent of freedom. It smells like cinnamon and sugar, it smells like the pages of a brand new book.

One of those smells that you inhale deeply, and them release a satisfied sigh. “Ahhh…” I can taste it now.

It’s so close, it’s too close.

But in order to feel all of these wonderful things in heaven, first, I had to deprive myself of everything on earth.

I would try to make myself perfect. I would try to make myself skinny.

I would try to create the feeling that I so desperately wanted to feel, I needed to fill that gaping whole with something. Anything.

How about I try starving myself?

How about I don’t eat for a day?

Okay.

That way I can lose a pound. A pound a day… times ten days… that’s ten pounds. Ten pounds in ten days.

Shoot!

I messed up!

Let’s see… how many calories was that? 250 calories? Okay. Well if I go on the tread-mill for approximately one hour and fifteen minutes I could burn that off.

Fuck it.

I’m starving.

Eat.

Don’t eat.

Eat.

Don’t eat.

Damn it!

Now what?

I ate too much.

I’ll gain weight.

I have to get rid of it.

Binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge, binge, purge.

Eat, puke, eat, puke, eat, puke, eat, puke.

“Grandma…?” I ask.

“What, Lauren?”

“Am I fat, grandma?”

“Are you what?”

“Am I fat?”

“Lauren.”

“What?”

“You look dead.”

“I look… dead? What are you talking about?”

“You look like a skeleton, Lauren. You look like shit.”

“I… I do?”

“You’re so skinny, it’s unnatural.”

You’re dead, Lauren, you’re a dead girl. You’re a zombie.

“Grandma, you’re lying. Stop lying to me.”

“Get on the scale, Lauren.”

“What, why?”

“Just do it.”

“Fine.”

“Lauren!”

“What, now?”

“You’re 89 pounds.”

89 pounds.

89.

89.

89.

***

“89 pounds…” My words were shoved down my throat. They were full of unwanted calories.

Niall was looking at me, he was lost. He was looking into my eyes, trying to find me in there somewhere. Someone. Something. There has got to be something in there. For sure, he knew, and he was looking for it.

He got lost.

“Ya’ don’t look 89 pounds.” He wasn’t sitting with me right now, it seemed like his soul had already gotten up and stormed away, leaving a shell for me to talk to, to converse with. Just an empty shell of Niall.

“Yeah, I gained weight since then.” I spat the words out of my mouth like poison. “I went to the hospital.” I mumbled.

“For how long?” He barely even waited for me to finish my sentence before shooting me another question.

“A long time.” My tone was still venomous. “Too long,” I added, “Not long enough.” He nodded knowingly, yet he didn’t know anything.

“I always think my life is bad…” He seemed to be coming back to me, there was a spark in his eye. Though I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. “Then I hear a story like dat’,” He continued, staring into the dirt as if it would give him all of the answers in the world. Jut by looking into the dirt. A lot of people do that, in fact, nearly everyone does. “And I think, ‘How could I complain?’”

I laughed mechanically.

“No—No!” He attempted to correct himself. “I didn’t mean it like dat’!”

“I know what you meant.” I nodded reassuringly. “You don’t know the half of it.” He didn’t respond to that, but he knew I was right. We both did.

“It’s gettin’ late…” He noted after a few minutes of silence. I looked up at the brilliant night sky. It was so captivating and breathtaking. It was a deep pool of indigo. I felt like I could dive in and never touch the bottom. I wanted to swim and splash amongst the moon and stars forever. I always have. “Wanna call er’ a day?” He smiled warmly, offering me a hand.

Not thinking twice about it, I took his hand and he lead me over to the small confines of our tent. After we stepped in, none of us moved another inch. We were both suddenly struck with a common problem. Where am I going to sleep?

“You take ‘da tent.” Niall decided, motioning towards the undeniably silky, soft sleeping bag. He turned to head out of the tent, I stopped him.

“Where will you sleep?” I questioned cautiously, unsure of my intentions at the moment.

“Outside…” He trailed off, turning his head from me so that I wouldn’t note the discomfort upon his face.

“On a log.” I stated rather than questioned that.

“On…” He trailed off again, and defeated, his shoulders slumped over.

I sighed irritably and yanked his arm.

“Get in.” I demanded, shoving an accusing finger towards the sleeping bag.

“Where will you sleep?” He asked nervously, creeping on inches closer to me.

“Where do you think?” I rolled my eyes at his oblivion.

“The… log?” His voice suddenly quieted to a whisper.

“I’m sleeping…” I elongated my words dramatically, “In… The… Bag.” I vigorously motioned my arms once again towards the sleeping confinement.

“But I’m sleeping…” He drifted off again, meeting my irritated gaze. “Oh.” He suddenly became very interested in his toes, watching them intently as he wiggled them back and forth. I followed his eyes for only a brief moment before whipping my head in the opposite direction and plopping myself in the sleeping bag.

“Quit being such an elementary school kid and get in the damn bag.” I muttered, snuggling myself deep within the covers and forcing my eyes shut. There were a few seconds of silence before I heard his feet shuffle and the zipping and unzipping of what I assumed was his duffle bag in the corner. I heard the crumple of what I couldn’t mistake for anything else, clothing. He was changing. I buried myself even deeper into the sleeping bag, hoping it would swallow me up and take me away from this awful place. I heard the lamp shut off and the moment of truth came.

I felt a warm body scoot and nudge it’s way in next to mine. My breath hitched in my lungs but I tried my best to breath normally, hoping he wouldn’t notice my nervousness and discomfort.

But yet… it felt… good?

I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Safety. I focused on the warmth of his body pressed against my own and I sighed in contentment. If there was some scary monster hiding and lurking in the depths of the night, they couldn’t get me, here. I lightly smiled to myself.

“Lauren?” Niall piped up suddenly.

“What, yeah?” I shook myself free of my thoughts.

“Did ya’ hear me, love?”

“No, what is it?”

“I asked if ya’ wanted a change of clothes to sleep in.” I pondered on the offer, the sandy, dirty ones I was wearing know were, in-fact, quite uncomfortable.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that.” I concluded, nuzzling back into the bag.

“It’s no trouble at all.” Without even giving me a chance to respond, I felt the warmth of his figure leave the bag. It left me with an empty feeling inside. “Here.” He stated simply, tossing a soft fabric in my direction.

After a few seconds of feeling the silky material I frowned slightly. “So… what about pants?” I questioned softly. There was about ten seconds of silence before I spoke up again. “I’m sorry, you’ve already done so much for me it’s just that if I didn’t have pants I would have to sleep in just a t-shirt and undies an—“

“Lauren, chill.” He laughed lightly. “It’s no problem, I’m just tryin’ to think if I have any clean pants dat’ are suitable to sleep in.”

“Well, what do you sleep in?” I spoke again hesitantly.

“Boxers.” He stated simply, as if it was no big deal. Good thing it was dark, I could feel heat bubbling up to my face already.

“Look, this is fine.” I rushed, not wanting to explore the subject any further, I attempted to quickly yank my dirty shirt off and over my head. In my sudden excitement I had perhaps moved to quickly, allowing the t-shirt to get stuck. I struggled and whined, signaling to Niall that I was having a bit of trouble.

“Do ya’ need help?” His tone sounded amused.

“Mrrrffffph.” I mumbled, unable to make out words. I heard him chuckle.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Before I knew it I felt hands on my bare waist. The sudden contact with his skin made me jump in fright. “Lauren, it’s just me!” Niall exclaimed, reaching out again to steady my body. The skin his fingers came in contact with formed goose-bumps at the surface. He didn’t proceed to move his hands until I was perfectly still, allowing him to easily pull the shirt the rest of the way over my head. Before I could even register that my shirt was off, I felt him trying to tug at my pants.

“Niall!” I shrieked, jumping back in fright.

“Wh-what?!” I could easily detect the embarrassment in his voice.

“I can do that myself!” I accused, yanking his large cotton tee over my head and stepping out of my dirty elastic-waist shorts. Seriously, was this kid mental? I wasn't a Barbie Doll.

“I-I’m sorry I was just tryin’ ta’ help, love.” He stuttered, attempting desperately to save himself.

“My pants Niall? Really?” I huffed, jumping back into the sleeping bag and tucking my head in the opposite direction of him. I heard a sigh of frustration before feeling him once again slip in next to me. I guessed he was wearing a t-shirt and boxers, I could feel the fabric on his torso. This was so inappropriate for two people that had just met, but I guess we didn’t really have much of a choice if we put safety and comfort before anything else. There was about thirty-seconds of us moving around trying to get settled before silence filled the tent like smoke. It made me wanna laugh, talk, scream, do something.

It was one of those types of silences.

I could tell Niall was feeling the same way.

“Niall…?” I spoke abruptly, attempting to shatter the awkward atmosphere.

“Yeah?” He mumbled, turning his head towards me slightly in order to hear me better.

“Why are you out here?” I heard him turn his head back around to its original position. Just as I concluded that he had simply ignored my question, he spoke up again.

“Perhaps that’s a subject for another time.” He stated simply, showing no underlying emotions in his voice. I deeply sighed at his response and squeezed my eyes shut. Why was he out here? Should I be trusting a stranger like this? No. Obviously not. But what other choice do I have?

Minutes passed.

Hours.

Was Niall asleep? I was willing to take that chance. I attempted to lift my body from the sleeping bag at a painfully slow rate. I’m talking so slow you could barely tell I was moving in the first place. Once my upper torso was completely removed from the bag, the rest of my body slipped out with ease. I carefully tiptoed to the entrance of the tent and winced as I pulled the zipper open, whipping my head around to make sure Niall was asleep every time the zipper made a particularly loud buzz.

After around another 30 seconds, I was out and zipping the tent closed again.

I looked back up to the sky, my gaze fixed on the endless abyss of space before my eyes. I always imagined what it would be like in space. Could I do cartwheels in midair? Could I pour out my milk and drink the liquid straight from where I was standing? The possibilities were endless.

I scooted my way past our quickly dimming fire and scampered quickly to the beachside. A quick swim wouldn’t hurt anyone. I could get a break from my aching wounds and muscles. Getting excited, I slipped my flip-flops swiftly off of my feet and placed them neatly by a tree. I took a deep breath in and concentrated on my footsteps as I crept my way to the waters edge.

The water just barely touched my toes. I gasped at the familiar feeling and took a few more quick steps into the deep blue, salty underworld.

I giggled to myself, allowing the sensation to dull my senses completely. I almost felt like I was part of the water itself, like I was the ocean. The thick column of water slowly crept up and wrapped its way around my body. I knew what was coming next.

I squealed in glee as I lost my balance, flopping into the shallow water beneath my fingertips. I turned my head to see scales shimmering behind me. I bit my lower-lip, raising my tail to reflect the breath-taking sparkle and shine of the moonlight.

Notes

file://localhost/Users/sarahdanles/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Previews/2013/10/16/20131016-170806/IMG_2733.jpg

file://localhost/Users/sarahdanles/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Previews/2013/10/16/20131016-170806/IMG_2734.jpg

file://localhost/Users/sarahdanles/Pictures/iPhoto%20Library/Previews/2013/10/16/20131016-170806/IMG_2735.jpg

HEY GUYS!
So, these are a few quick sketches that I drew of Lauren and Niall that I thought you might want to see. I can do much better ones so if you have any requests, feel free to let me know.

ALSO, WHat did you think of this chapter?

What do you thinks Niall's keeping to himself?
Do you want him to know about Lauren's special secret? ;)
What do you think about Lauren's rather dark past?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN NEXT!?

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK LOVELIES!!!

I'll update soon, I promise!