Christina and the Boys
Filling in the cracks
I got dish duty, and I didn't really mind it. I love to clean, kind of a calmer, really. I was scrubbing the sauce pan unecessarily hard and fast when Harry came in. I didn't realize he was there until I stopped scrubbing and sighed. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and I quickly turned away, after jumping up quickly at the surprise of him being there. I tried to slyly wipe my eyes, but Harry caught it and turned me around. He took his thumb and wiped my eyes.
"Love, I think it is time that you told the boys, they're starting to catch on to your odd behavior," Harry said, kissing my forehead.
"I've been normal!" I said defensively, stiffening.
"That's from your perspective, but from theirs, they are noticing a ton of things about you that scream about your past. Like sometimes you'll flinch if one of them punches another one. Or they'll go to say something obnoxious and loud and you'll flinch. You were also very closed about yourself in the interview, don't think I didn't catch that. Plus, they say an 'urgent' text from you to Tatiana, because they were evesdropping. Did you tell Perrie, Dani, and El? You told Tatiana," Harry finished.
"Yes, I told the girls, and Harry, I don't want to tell the boys. I'm scared they'll think I'm worthless, I really am worthless. Just an empty shell, even my Dad hasn't noticed how broken I've been. I had to pick up the pieces on my own, and my hands were too small to pick them all up, so I just left some behind. Harry, I can't tell them now, because then there will be too many hands trying to pick them up, and I will be torn even more. Do you understand how that feels? To feel like you want help, but you aren't worthy of it? To feel like the whole world dropped you in the universe on your own and now it is up to you to figure it out? To feel like fate took away your friend's soul, took away your dream, and left you there all alone?" I said, as calmly as I could, even though inside I was breaking down even further.
"What do you mean, your father didn't notice how broken you were?" Harry said, enraged.
"I mean, I didn't show up for days, and when I did come home, he left me a note on the counter saying that my bags were ready to be packed if I wanted to leave, but that he had to go out of town for a few months. I broke down and cried, it was right after my friend's funeral. I didn't leave, but when he got back, I was lifeless and he thought I wasn't there. I took to singing, and one day, I was singing. I thought he was at work, so I was singing my heart out. He stormed upstairs, thinking there was an intruder-and a money oppurtunity-and busted into my room. I was sitting there, singing my heart out, not even paying attention. He shook me and yelled at me for not telling him I was here. After that, he was gone all the time, getting me deals and such. Harry, I've been alone most of my life, and I cannot even express how much I love you, but I swear to god, if you push me to tell anyone anything, or do anything, I will leave without a look back. Do you understand?" I shot him a fierce look and squirmed out of his grasp to clean the counter. I was scrubbing fiercely when I heard him walk out of the kitchen.
I couldn't believe I'd done it again, it hurt so damn badly. I had pushed him away, like I'd pushed away my mother and grandmother and grandfather and friends at school. Like I'd pushed away myself, I'd pushed myself away from me. I was going crazy, killing myself internally. I only heard one song playing in my head, "Big White Room" by Jessie J. I was singing that song when I heard Perrie singing with me, she was behind me sweeping the floor.
"Sitting in a big white room alone
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down
Close my eyes to see in the dark
I feel young, so young, broken, so scared," I sang.
"I don't wanna be here anymore, I wanna be somewhere else
Normal and free like I used to be
But I have to stay in this big, white room
With little old me," Perrie sang back at me. We both smiled as we sang the rest of the song.
"I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
Sitting in a big white room alone
Close the door, don't want the pain to come in, no
I clench my fist and try to stay strong, I cry, I feel sick
My heart's beating, b-beating, beating out of control
Can I run faster than you? I wanna feel my body again
Feel the wind in my hair
But I have to stay in this big white room
'Cause no one else cares, no, no, no, no, no, n-n-no, no
I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big, white room of mine
Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me
What do I do now? Smile, yeah yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going cra-c-c-crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going cra-c-c-crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big, white room of mine," we finished off perfectly, tears running down our faces, trying not to choke up. An applause errupted, and we both turned crimson red as we saw the boys and the other girls standing in the doorway crying too. Louis, of course, was holding a camera, a live twitcam of my and Perrie's singing/crying.
"Hey everyone watching, hope you like it, because I didn't know I was going to be filmed. So, thank you to Louis Tomlinson for being a sneaky little fucker, and Perrie, for having amazing vocals and sitting through my horrid ones," I said, waving at the camera and laughing a little.
"Hey, Chrissy, you gotta billion questions, but I like this one," Louis started, "'Will you put that on youtube, because that is possibly the most beautiful cover I've ever heard!' That is from Kailyn in Florida."
"How 'bout one of you put it online, don't bother with copyright stuff, just title it 'Christina Dylan singing Big White Room by Jessie J ft. Perrie Edwards," I said, still smiling.
"And that video just went viral," Harry said, checking for my cover.
"Love you guys, but now I gotta go clean up after dinner, see you soon!" I said, and Louis cut off the camera.
I started cleaning before I stopped and took a deep breath. Everyone was watching emotions play across my face as I contimplated telling them.
"Boys, I have something big to tell you," I said, taking another deep breathe before walking off into the living room. Horrified girls and confused boys followed me, watching me expectantly.
"Love, I think it is time that you told the boys, they're starting to catch on to your odd behavior," Harry said, kissing my forehead.
"I've been normal!" I said defensively, stiffening.
"That's from your perspective, but from theirs, they are noticing a ton of things about you that scream about your past. Like sometimes you'll flinch if one of them punches another one. Or they'll go to say something obnoxious and loud and you'll flinch. You were also very closed about yourself in the interview, don't think I didn't catch that. Plus, they say an 'urgent' text from you to Tatiana, because they were evesdropping. Did you tell Perrie, Dani, and El? You told Tatiana," Harry finished.
"Yes, I told the girls, and Harry, I don't want to tell the boys. I'm scared they'll think I'm worthless, I really am worthless. Just an empty shell, even my Dad hasn't noticed how broken I've been. I had to pick up the pieces on my own, and my hands were too small to pick them all up, so I just left some behind. Harry, I can't tell them now, because then there will be too many hands trying to pick them up, and I will be torn even more. Do you understand how that feels? To feel like you want help, but you aren't worthy of it? To feel like the whole world dropped you in the universe on your own and now it is up to you to figure it out? To feel like fate took away your friend's soul, took away your dream, and left you there all alone?" I said, as calmly as I could, even though inside I was breaking down even further.
"What do you mean, your father didn't notice how broken you were?" Harry said, enraged.
"I mean, I didn't show up for days, and when I did come home, he left me a note on the counter saying that my bags were ready to be packed if I wanted to leave, but that he had to go out of town for a few months. I broke down and cried, it was right after my friend's funeral. I didn't leave, but when he got back, I was lifeless and he thought I wasn't there. I took to singing, and one day, I was singing. I thought he was at work, so I was singing my heart out. He stormed upstairs, thinking there was an intruder-and a money oppurtunity-and busted into my room. I was sitting there, singing my heart out, not even paying attention. He shook me and yelled at me for not telling him I was here. After that, he was gone all the time, getting me deals and such. Harry, I've been alone most of my life, and I cannot even express how much I love you, but I swear to god, if you push me to tell anyone anything, or do anything, I will leave without a look back. Do you understand?" I shot him a fierce look and squirmed out of his grasp to clean the counter. I was scrubbing fiercely when I heard him walk out of the kitchen.
I couldn't believe I'd done it again, it hurt so damn badly. I had pushed him away, like I'd pushed away my mother and grandmother and grandfather and friends at school. Like I'd pushed away myself, I'd pushed myself away from me. I was going crazy, killing myself internally. I only heard one song playing in my head, "Big White Room" by Jessie J. I was singing that song when I heard Perrie singing with me, she was behind me sweeping the floor.
"Sitting in a big white room alone
Tilt my head back, feel the tears fall down
Close my eyes to see in the dark
I feel young, so young, broken, so scared," I sang.
"I don't wanna be here anymore, I wanna be somewhere else
Normal and free like I used to be
But I have to stay in this big, white room
With little old me," Perrie sang back at me. We both smiled as we sang the rest of the song.
"I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
Sitting in a big white room alone
Close the door, don't want the pain to come in, no
I clench my fist and try to stay strong, I cry, I feel sick
My heart's beating, b-beating, beating out of control
Can I run faster than you? I wanna feel my body again
Feel the wind in my hair
But I have to stay in this big white room
'Cause no one else cares, no, no, no, no, no, n-n-no, no
I'm going crazy, yeah, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big, white room of mine
Everybody's looking at me, everybody's staring at me
What do I do now? Smile, yeah yeah
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going cra-c-c-crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy in this big, white room of mine
I'm going cra-c-c-crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big white room of mine
I'm going crazy, I'm losing my mind
I'm going crazy, in this big, white room of mine," we finished off perfectly, tears running down our faces, trying not to choke up. An applause errupted, and we both turned crimson red as we saw the boys and the other girls standing in the doorway crying too. Louis, of course, was holding a camera, a live twitcam of my and Perrie's singing/crying.
"Hey everyone watching, hope you like it, because I didn't know I was going to be filmed. So, thank you to Louis Tomlinson for being a sneaky little fucker, and Perrie, for having amazing vocals and sitting through my horrid ones," I said, waving at the camera and laughing a little.
"Hey, Chrissy, you gotta billion questions, but I like this one," Louis started, "'Will you put that on youtube, because that is possibly the most beautiful cover I've ever heard!' That is from Kailyn in Florida."
"How 'bout one of you put it online, don't bother with copyright stuff, just title it 'Christina Dylan singing Big White Room by Jessie J ft. Perrie Edwards," I said, still smiling.
"And that video just went viral," Harry said, checking for my cover.
"Love you guys, but now I gotta go clean up after dinner, see you soon!" I said, and Louis cut off the camera.
I started cleaning before I stopped and took a deep breath. Everyone was watching emotions play across my face as I contimplated telling them.
"Boys, I have something big to tell you," I said, taking another deep breathe before walking off into the living room. Horrified girls and confused boys followed me, watching me expectantly.
sorry, i just found your comment in my feeds! thank you sooo much for reading! xoxo love you! -guinne
2/17/13