White. Why was everything so white and why was her bed facing the window? Her eyes cracked open knowing something wasn’t right. This wasn’t her room to start with and definitely not her bed.
Wait.
She wasn’t at home, she was at Liam’s. The thoughts from last night came flooding back in her head. She was actually here, with him and they were together.

“Oh my god I need coffee for this,” Gray yawned as she stretched and got out of bed. The empty space next to her was thrown askew, as Liam’s body must have left a long time ago. The entire apartment felt eerily quiet for her liking. She quietly padded down the hallway, looking for some sign of life. Gray poked her head into Spencer’s makeshift room only to find that empty too.

“Gray?” Liam’s voice quietly came from the living room. She walked out to see Liam relaxing on the couch with a sleeping Spencer on his chest. Her heart skipped a beat just looking at them.

“What are you doing,” she whispered. He had to be just sitting in silence in the house just so he wouldn’t wake Spencer. Gray sat down on the couch next to him, but still left plenty of space.

“I’m enjoying the moment, and catching up on some emails,” he smiled at her.

“I’m surprised Niall isn’t berating you yet,” she laughed. Liam rolled her eyes at her. They both got quiet again, but not in the good way. Gray felt weird, like she didn’t actually belong there. Something in the universe was stopping her. Her fingers ran around each other, finding it impossible to sit still.

“What’s wrong? You are fidgeting, something is wrong.” Liam sternly asked. Busted. Gray stood up, not wanting to let him see her blushing face.

“I don’t know, I feel weird being here. Do you have coffee,” she asking, trying to defuse the situation.

“Of course I do, I know you. Come back here Gray,” he said, trying to adjust Spencer and stand up at the same time.

“Nothing, I just need coffee,” she lied as she headed to the kitchen. Liam gracefully picked up his sleeping daughter and quietly walked down the short hallway to her bedroom. Her lips puckered in her sleep as Liam placed her in her crib and headed back out to Gray. Her back was still towards him as he stepped into the kitchen. Without even missing a space, Liam wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her small frame towards him.

“What’s wrong love,” he whispered in her ear. Gray’s body shivered.

“Nothing, I’m fine. I just need caffeine.” Liam knew she was lying though. After all these years he knew every ounce and spec of her. The way she thumb wrestled herself when she was upset, or tapped her foot up and down when she was anxious. Gray was his other half, and the only one he wanted to know that closely.

“Gray, I know you are lying. Talk to me.” He placed his hands on her hips and made her turn around. Her big eyes stared up at him, and he could see the fear she had.

“I’m sorry, I’m just feeling weird. I-I just, it’s all hitting me right now, everything I made you go through.” Gray bit her lip trying to stop the tears from coming. How could she not see it before? She practically let him on a wild goose chase all this time and never truly understood her actions until now. She was a child, acting like a stuck up, spoiled child. That’s everything she didn’t want to be.

“Hey, hey don’t cry. Gosh you are already crying, please baby.” Liam tried to console her but it only made it worse. The tears flooded out of her eyes even faster. He calmly dragged her over the couch and joined her with coffee and tissues.

“God, why was I so stupid? I’m so sorry Liam, I’m sorry for everything. I just feel so stupid.” Her nose sniffed and Liam graciously held out a tissue.

“I’m starting to think I’m just a hot mess all the time,” Gray cried out. Liam laughed and smiled at her.

“Love, if you are hot mess then I’m just heartless. It’s been a whirlwind for us all. Please don’t cry though, I promise it will be okay. Just tell me what I can do for you,” he honestly said, holding her hands tightly in his. Gray wiped her eyes again before looking at him.

“Tell me everything Liam. Tell me everything I missed and was too stupid to see,” she begged him, her eyes pleaded. He knew she wanted to know, it was part of her process but telling her everything he did could wreck her. The guilt alone would take her over the top.

“I’m literally begging you right now,” she sternly told him. He looked away and rubbed his calloused fingers over his jaw.

“You left that day and I was just so mad. To be honest I don’t remember any of us. I snapped, and I’m so sorry for that. I threw the mirror; I’ve never thrown anything in my life like that. It felt like a release watching the glass hit the floor. Then I knew, I knew what I did to you and how wrong I was. I wanted to come back to you right away but Harry stopped me. I didn’t even realize I cut myself.” His voice trailed off at that night came flashing back.

Flashback

He couldn’t even feel the pain in his hand. The blood rushed down his arm, straining him red in the process but he couldn’t think. She left, she left him here and they said all those horrible things to each other. How could this happen? Everything was numb, he could see himself moving the kitchen but couldn’t feel it. It was like an outer body experience.

“Liam!” he turned to see Harry staring at him, shocked. How did he get to the couch? Did he walk here? Liam couldn’t even tell how much time had passed. Gray was still gone, that’s all that mattered. She was gone forever.

“I need to see her Harry, where is she,” Liam barked. He stood trying to brush past him. Part of his brian told him to stop, wait, he shouldn't move but Liam was past thinking straight. Gray had to be in the building if Harry was here. He needed to see her and tell her how sorry he was. This never was supposed to happen Harry’s hand grabbed her shirt and pushed him back.

“No, you need stitches and to stay the hell away from her. Grab your shit we are going to the hospital,” he barked. Liam followed orders, not knowing what else to do. They left the apartment and Liam looked back to see the elevator doors slam shut. She was in there, he knew it. He could still feel her there, and it took every ounce not to go running after her.

----

“All set, seven stitches. You’ll be good to go soon, just keeping you a bit longer in case there is a reaction. Do you have any questions?” The ER doctor stood and stared at Liam excepting a response. Instead Liam stared down at his injured hand, not even hearing him.

“We are good doc, thank you,” Harry piped up, hoping the doctor would take the cue to leave. Thankfully he did, quietly exiting and letting them be alone.

“Liam? Mate? What happened? You have to talk to me,” Harry pushed, trying to break Liam’s cold stares.

“I killed her,” The words slipped out without emotion. Harry nervously laughed.

“Highly doubt that is true there.” Liam looked up at him with his glassy eyes.

“I did. I ruined her and me. I did everything wrong. I did this Harry. I called her bad names and threatened her. You weren’t there, you didn’t see how scared she was. It’s over.” Sobs racked his body as he sat there. Liam knew it was over. It was over when she walked out of the door, with Spencer in hand. Of course part of him wanted to be in denial about the whole situation, but he knew. There was such a close connection between them, once Gray left he knew it was forever.

“Is she okay Harry,” he asked, his face red and splotchy. Harry sighed and looked at him.

“She’s fine. Niall took her back to his place. You can fix this Liam, you know that right? This isn’t the first time you two have fought.” Liam sadly smiled at him but shook his head no.

“I can’t, she’ll be gone by tonight.” Liam's head fell back into his hands. His whole life, his family were gone. Everything he worked for, had disappeared.

End Flashback

Gray stared down at his hand seeing the faint scar that ran across it. He was right, she left that night without thinking twice.

“How did you know,” she asked, breaking the silence from his story. Liam looked at her and squeezed her hand.

“I know you quite well Gray, better then you think. I knew you would leave. I’m guessing you didn’t want to cause any other issues or but anyone else out?” Gray shook her head yes at him.

“I knew you would. I have a sick intuition with you. I can feel in side, in my heart. Every time you are mad, sad happy or just hurt,” he smiled. She was his girl, it was his duty to know everything.

“I should of stayed Liam. I ran away like always. It wasn’t fair to you or the rest of them,” she explained. Liam reached over and pulled her in for a kiss.

“It’s okay Gray, it’s over now. Stop it now, stop thinking it’s all your fault. I’m just as guilty. I should of never said those things especially about your dad.” Gray climbed over next to him and curled into his body. He was right, she had to stop thinking she was the only bad guy. Besides, she was here now with him.

“I missed this the most,” he murmured in her hair. Gray traced her fingers over the small strip of skin exposed on his stomach. God, how could she actually think she could walk away from this? He is everything that she wanted in this world.

“I’m so glad I came here last night,” she told him, wanting to be open. All Gray wanted was him to know how much she loved him. There were so many things she wanted to say, just to let it all out but right now, it was time to be quiet. Just being together in the silence and so close was enough for her.

Ring, Ring

Liam mumbled incoherently under his breath and resultantly moved to grab the phone.
“What do you want Lou? What? That’s today? Yeah, I’ll be there. Give me an hour. Fine.” Gray laughed watching him toss the phone back on the table.

“Are you always so rude to everyone,” she asked, smirking at him.

“I’m not rude,” he huffed back. She laughed again.

“Sure you aren’t.” she flirted with him. Liam rolled his eyes. Was he rude? No, he just liked to get to the point, that’s it. Sometimes you had to be rough to get the job down.

“I have to go to a barbecue at Louis’. You are welcomed to join if you want. It’s your choice.” Gray could see he was holding back. The words came out strained, he wanted her to come and be able to show off his love again but he couldn't force her.

“Who’s going to be there?”

“The guys, the girls. I don’t think it’s a big thing, I just know I agreed to it last week. It would be hard to get out of it now.” He cursed himself inside to agreeing to it. They see each other weekly, why they had to do it on a Sunday was beyond him. Gray squeezed his hand again, bringing him out of his thoughts.

“Let’s go. It could be fun,” she smiled, not wanting him to be upset about it.

“You sure,” he asked, his face lighting up with a smile.

“Of course. It’ll be fun.”

----

“You’re fidgeting again,” Liam smirked from the driver’s seat. Gray looked down to see her fingers tangled up in each other. Half the time she didn’t even realize she was doing it. Gray gave him a bashful smile.

“You nervous,” he asked. They had quickly raced back to her house for clean clothes before taking the twenty minute drive to Louis’ place. Of course at the time, Gray thought it was a good idea, but now, being so close she was starting to wonder if this was a good idea. They were doing it again, moving way too fast. This is how things went sour the last couple of times. Slow and steady always won the race, not warp speed and reckless.

“Yes, extremely.” Liam reached over the console and grabbed her hand. He effortlessly kept his eyes the road, making sure they were safe.

“I hope there’s beer,” Gray muttered under her voice. Liam chuckled at her.

“You should know there is always beer by now. You’ll be a nice surprise for them,” he stated, trying to reassure her. Going in blind made it even more nerve-wracking. Liam pulled into the long gated driveway and up to the house. Gray got out the SUV and heard the music coming from the backyard. She said a silent prayer to herself before joining Liam on the other side of the car.

“Love, you look like you are going to vomit,” he smiled at her. Gray playfully shoved his shoulder, not really wanting to hear the jokes.

“Let’s get this over with.” Gray tried to head towards the house, but Liam quickly grabbed her wrist, pulling her back to him. His larger frame covered over her and into the car, not letting her move. Gray blushed at the move, knowing how exactly close he was to her body. His fingers brushed across her collarbone, the only place that always made her squirm.

“What are you doing Liam,” she asked, trying to keep her thoughts in a G rating.

“Gray, I love you more than life itself and everyone in that house loves you too. You are looking incredibly beautiful right now and you are going to march your butt in there with your head held high and have fun.” His other hand grabbed her face, pulling her in for a soft, yet strong kiss. Gray melted into his arms, letting her body turn into mush. She tried to pull deeper into him, but Liam abruptly pulled away. A moan slipped out of her mouth before she could stop it.

“Cheeky I see. Come on, time to go.” He left her standing there dumbfounded and grabbed Spencer from the back.

“You don’t play fair,” Gray pouted. Liam laughed, pulling her hand towards the door.

“You just figured that out now,” he smiled. She rolled her eyes and went inside. The entire living room was covered in One Direction memorabilia from CD’s, magazine covers and photo shoots. Gray raised an eyebrow.

“Someone likes their day job.” Liam ignored her and headed into the kitchen.

“You ready,” he whispered. She sighed and nodded yes. Perrie came through the sliding glass door and immediately stopped seeing them. Gray’s hand started to sweat.

“Oh my God!” Perrie’s body covered Gray’s before anyone had time to think.

“You’re here! With him! You are together! This is great!” Her voice shouted into Gray’s ear making her cringe. Liam pulled Perrie’s flailing body off of her.

“Okay, that’s enough,” he gripped. Perrie flicked him off but moved back.

“Sorry G. I just didn’t expect to see you, I don’t think anyone did. This is very exciting,” Perrie chimed,” Come on out, I need to see everyone’s faces on this.” She led the group with Liam in the middle and Gray taking up the rear. Harry and Niall were sitting on the deck railing while Louis, Eleanor and Zayn sat at the patio table. By the time they all were outside, everyone was quiet.

“Umm. Hi,” Gray squeaked out. Five pairs of beady eyes stared back at her making it even more uncomfortable. Liam moved closer, putting a protective arm around her waist.

“Everyone, stop being weird and say hello them, please,” he ordered. Eleanor stood out of her chair without saying anything and walked towards her. For a moment, Gray stiffened but it settled when Eleanor’s arms wrapped around her.

“I’ve missed you,” Eleanor cried into her shoulder. Gray detached from Liam and hugged her right back. It was going to be okay, this was going to be okay. Tears slid down her face and Gray buried into Eleanor shoulder. Ever since she went back to Chicago after Spencer was born their relationship had been strained. Their schedules never lined up enough to actually be able to talk. It had bugged Gray for a long time, she missed her friend.

“You look beautiful,” Eleanor whispered, taking a step back but not letting go over her body. Niall jumped down and joined them.

“I think it’s time for a drink!”

----

Everyone welcomed her with open arms, just like Liam said they would. He always knew best when it came to them. Gray was just used to things not going as planned. These people were her family though, and had been a part of her life forever.

“Liam, can I steal your lady for a while,” Perrie smiled at him. Liam hadn’t let her leave his sight the entire time they had been there.

“Where are you going?” His words came out harsher then they should. Gray gasped and swatted him on his chest.

“Watch your daughter,” she dictated. Louis and Niall giggled from across the way.

“Gray Goose, have we told you how much we missed you,” Louis laughed. She waved them both off before following Perrie back into the house. Eleanor was inside sitting on the couch with a glass of wine.

“You both are going to ask me a million questions about everything, aren’t you?” Perrie laughed and flopped down on the couch.

“If you call that girl talk, then yes, yes we are. You have a lot of explaining to do,” she stated.

“Sit. Start talking,” Eleanor said, pointing to the couch. Gray followed orders and joined them on the over sized blue couch.

“So when did this all happen? How did it happen? What’s going to happen now?” Perrie shot out questions at her faster than ever.

“One, you said ‘happen’ far too many times. It happened last night actually. How do you guys not know this? I thought for sure Niall would have told everyone by now.” Eleanor took a sip of her glass before talking.

“Seriously?! He knew before us? I thought we were all friends,” she spat, feeling offended about it all. Gray knew she had to back track.

“Niall only knew because he was watching Grey for me, and then drove me to Liam’s. Honest, that’s all he knows. You are the first ones to know the rest,” she pleaded with them hoping they understood. Perrie gave her a reassuring smile, silently telling her to continue.

“Do you two know Liam came to the garden show last night, knowing I’d be there?” Both shook their heads no. “Well he did, and I didn’t know it. I had gotten all the shots I needed and left. When I got home Niall went somewhat crazy on me, telling me everything about Liam and how he went out of his way to tell me about his feelings there.” Gray cringed remembering him raising his voice at her. She took a sip of her beer, hoping it would ease the story more.

“I went over there, to Liam’s. He thought I was coming to tell him off and such; he was actually a big ass to me. But that’s okay, I kind of deserved that. But I told him how much I loved him and how much he loved me, and yeah, that’s it.” It didn’t felt like it was it, but enough for them to hear.

“That’s it? Okay, what happens now,” Perrie asked, not feeling convinced.

“I have absolutely no idea. I’m here, with you all, and that’s the farthest I’ve gotten today.” Perrie threw her free air in the air and stared at her.

“You know this is insanity right? You two cannot seem to get your shit together,” Perrie shouted back.

“You don’t think I know that? I’ve been doing this what, a couple of years now. Guys, I get it. We are nuts. We are a crazed couple who spent more hours breaking up then sleeping but I want this. I want him in my life! I cannot live without him at this point. He’s it Perrie, ok? That man sitting out there who is completely rude at times, who drives me batshit crazy and is more overprotective is it. I know you don’t get it but I do. It’s the one thing I know it right. Me, him and Spencer. That’s all I want. I know I’ve screwed up, I have a feeling I’m not going to forgive myself for letting everything happen, but there is nothing I can do now other then moving on.” Gray huffed afterwards, her blood pressure up from having to defend herself. She knew people would be apprehensive of this, heck she was herself but it still hurt.

“Well, do you feel better now,” Perrie smirked. Both she and Eleanor had their eyebrows raised at Gray.

“No. Why are you both looking at me like that,” Gray shouted back. Clearly there was a joke going on she was missing.

“Congratulations Gray. You’ve become a strong ass woman,” Perrie announced, holding out her glass for a cheers.

“What in the hell just happened right now,” Gray sputtered. Right now she just wanted a nap.

“What Perrie is doing a very bad job at saying is that we are proud of you. Finally you got it through your thick skull that Liam is your man. Sure, it took you far too long, but you weren’t indecisive and finally spoke your mind about him. It was beautiful,” Eleanor genuinely said, giving her a smile.

“I’m so freaking confused right now. I need something stronger for this.”

“Let me back up,” Eleanor started,” I don’t know if you ever have noticed but you are very up and down with your feelings. We’ve gone what, four months or around there of you and Liam both being sheep and not making a move? It’s not the first time. You are never direct when you speak about Liam, closed off and such. It’s not a bad thing; you just have always going around the bush with him. This is the first time you’ve spoken so soundly about him. I like it,” Eleanor exclaimed.

“So basically, you’re happy that I spoke my mind and hopefully because I’m with Liam again,” Gray asked.

“Yes, that is precisely it,” Perrie beamed. Gray slouched on the couch, exhausted from such a short conversation.

“You two make me tired,” she moaned.

“Are you two going to be engaged again,” Eleanor asked.

“No, definitely not. We are together right now, no need to rush into anything.”

“Good. We are happy for you Gray, it’s been hard to watch you both go through this. Louis and Zayn had to talk us off the ledge many times. All I wanted to do was throw you both in a room and not let you out until you were done fighting,” Perrie exclaimed.

“I’m glad you didn’t. We had to do this ourselves, even though Niall not so gently pointed me in the right direction. It’s going to be better this time,” Gray said. It was more to herself, trying to believe that this can work and it will work if she puts in the effort.

“We really do love you Gray,” Perrie gushed, pulling both girls in for hug.

“Perrie, don’t spill my beer!”

----

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. It felt unbelievably calming for everyone to be together without any major issues. It was like the olden days when Gray had first came into their group. Laughs were shared along with more embarrassing stories that Gray haven’t heard since the big breakup. Liam stayed close to her like always. He was there, a step away or placing a hand on her body. Each time made her heart beat a little faster.

“Are you ready to go,” Liam whispered into her ear. They were all sitting around the living room, Gray felt herself dozing off on his shoulder.

“Please,” she asked, yawning. Liam jumped up and gave her his hand to get up.

“Lads, we are out. I’ll see you at the studio tomorrow,” Liam announced. Gray gave a wave them to all and let Liam guide her body down the hall to grab the sleeping Spencer.

“I can take her if you want,” she offered, extending her arms out to him. Liam shook her off.

“I missed this,” he sheepishly smiled. Spencer’s little head rested on her shoulder while her lips puckered. It killed Gray that she couldn’t snap a picture of this right now. They headed out quietly to his vehicle and got everyone situated. Gray rested her forehead against the glass of the window. The night couldn’t have gone better, other than Perrie and Eleanor’s weird idea of heckling her. It still worked though, just like she wanted. Gray made a mental note to call her mother tomorrow, she’d probably want to know what’s going on.

“Umm Gray,” Liam whispered in the silence. She turned and looked at him.

“Where am I to take you?” She knew he was tense about it, he could hear it in his voice. Gray knew where she was needed.

“Can I come to your place? I packed extra for Spence. Maybe you can tell me more things I missed,” she asked. A smile came over his face once again.

“I’d love that. To my house it is.”

----

“She’s still sound asleep,” Liam announced, coming into the bedroom. Gray was already in the covers, using his clothes once again for pajamas. He climbed under the sheets next to her and switched off the bed lamp. Gray scooted closer him, wanting to felt his warmth on her body.
“Gray, I lied to you.” She snapped her head up to him.

“What?”

“I lied to you yesterday, well last night. I told you I had her room all set up long before, but that’s wrong. I did it after you called Niall to take you to the hospital.” Gray smiled and laid her head back down on his bare chest.

“Can you tell me about it?”

“I went back to the guys after dropping you off and wrote that letter to you but I just couldn’t get it all out of my head. I had a very hard time letting go that you were here, in London, but not with me. Ask the lads, I was going stir crazy. I went to the gym, tried to drink but all I wanted to do was go over to your house and make you come home with me. I was sitting here in bed one morning recovering from a very poorly made hangover when It came to me. I wanted Spencer to have her own space, hoping she’d be able to use it one day.”

“Did you mom help,” Gray asked, trying to get the whole story.

“No, I lied about that too. I did it myself, well and the help of a very nice lady named Patricia who helped me pick out the bedding. It was very therapeutic, and only took me three days. I just wanted something for her, hopefully later in life she d

Notes