Undercover

"How do you feel?" Perrie yells to me from on the toilet, through the shower curtain separating me from her. I was in the process of rubbing the grass and dirt stains from my skin, wishing they would wash away, along with my feelings, down the drain and out of my life.

"I'm okay, I guess," I shrug, scrubbing the heels of my feet with a washcloth. I had been in the shower for about twenty minutes, yet the dirt stayed.

"Come on, don't feed me that bullshit. I know you're not okay," Perrie demands and I sigh. Of course I'm not okay, I just don't know how I feel. A million emotions have been pounding through my head since the fight and have been giving me a massive headache that I'm afraid only liquor will cure.

"Well, I could really use a beer right about now," I say and I hear her snort. Oh Perrie.

"While you're in the shower? That's a first," She retorts and this time I laugh. It feels good to laugh, a genuine one that I generated from my chest, not a fake, awkward one that I usually use to fill silences.

"No, I meant after, you nut. But I'm afraid that these grass stains will take year to get off."

"They'll come off you big baby. Now in the mean time, why don't you tell me what's really running through that head of yours," Perrie says and I sigh yet again. This night has been too much for my poor heart and head and I just want to collapse.

"I just...I don't know. My head is pounding with emotion, yet I don't feel any of it. It's like it's all stuck in my head and I can't get it out. I can't feel anything. Just numb. Yeah, that's it, I feel numb," I confirm to not only Perrie, but to myself also.

"Trust me, you'll feel again really soon. Although, you may not want to feel any of those emotions, so savor what you have now. Savor your numbness," She tells me and I close my eyes, letting the water wash over my face and down my body.

~~~

"Belle, this is the 54th call from Harry, put him out of his misery already," Perrie pleads as she holds out the phone to me. The thing's been ringing nonstop since we got here two hours ago and I was starting to get short with it. 54 calls and 36 texts? Next call and the phone's going out the window.

"No. I don't want to talk to him," I say, my voice monotone as I watch the light rain drops plop onto the windows that line the base of the ceiling.

"Belle. If you're not doing it for your feelings, do it for your job. You have to talk to him at some point if you ever want to put him and his crew behind bars," Perrie says. It was like a knife was stabbing through my heart. I had forgotten the reason why I was in this crew in the first place, and now I'm too attached. Well shit.

"Fine," I grumble and yank the phone from her hands. It's still vibrating and I hear yelling voices in the background when I answer. "Yeah?"

"Belle? Is that you?! Oh babe are you okay? Where are you? We'll come and get you," Harry's panicked voice rings through the phone and for a moment, I actually believe he's worried. I silently chastise myself for feeling my heart flutter when he called me babe.

"Don't call me that. Perrie and I are fine and we don't need you to come and 'rescue' us. I'm a big girl," I sardonically reply.

"Look Belle, I'm sorry, but you didn't let me explain it-"

"No. You listen to me. I don't need your fake ass explanation. I get it. We're not together. I don't care," I tell him, my voice monotone again. I feel as if every single emotion I've ever felt has just drifted away.

"Belle I-"

"Goodbye Harry," I say and hang up the phone.

"So how did it go?" Perrie asks me as I throw the phone onto the ground and crawl under the comforter of the bed. Perrie climbs in after me and we snuggle up next to each other, trying to get warm.

"I think you can take a guess," I say flatly.

"Well, there's always tomorrow," Perrie encourages, but I'm already shaking my head. There will be no tomorrow, at least not here, not in the gang. Perrie will hate me for a long time and I know she'll try to persuade me to stay, but I've already made up my mind.

"I'm so sorry Perrie," I say to her as my first tear rolls down on my cheek and plops down onto the pillow. I turn to face her and we look at each other. She quizzically knots her eyebrows at the sight of my red eyes and cocks her head to the side. My breathing increases and my stomach hurts as I prepare to tell her.

"For what?" She asks in a gentle voice.

"For my decision." I tell her and sniffle as more tears stripe my cheeks.

"What decision?" She asks with urgency, as if she already knows what I'm going to say.

"I'm resigning."

Notes

And I'll leave you all with that...