A Letter to Liam
Three Hundred, Sixty-Five Days Without You
It’s been one year since I found you Liam. One year since Louis, Zayn, and I read your letters to Niall. One year of “Are you okay?”s and “Liam was the last one I’d expect.” In all honesty, Liam. Your death gave me closure. I can’t explain it. I watched you for a week, basically dying of a broken heart. You needed Niall, almost as much as he needed you. The look in your eyes when I told you Niall was dead, I felt like I was watching your heart break. I found you at 10:37am on a Wednesday. You were buried beside him, by the way. We owed you that much. You’re forever wearing the same exact thing you wore to Niall’s funeral. And your letters, Liam? They were buried with you. The only people who will ever know what that blue notebook contained are me, Louis, and Zayn.
These days, we’re slowly getting back into music. It doesn’t feel right without you and Niall, though. Our fans have been there every step of the way. Through Zayn’s trip to rehab for alcohol. Through Louis’s therapist appointments. I’ve coped by writing – songs, stories, letters, etc. I still see your sister around, sometimes your parents. Niall’s family comes around quite a bit as well. After 365 days without you, I can finally say it’s becoming a little bit easier. 365 days of you and Niall still haunting my thoughts, almost ruining my social life. People ask me if after a year it’s gotten easier. It has, but only a tiny bit. It still feels like yesterday that I found you. Your tear stained face, hugging the blue notebook, wearing Niall’s sweatshirt. It looked like you’d taken all those pills, then cried yourself to sleep. Did you? Did you automatically regret your decision? Were you ready? Who I am I kidding, I know you were ready, just like Niall was. I know that Niall was waiting for you, when you got wherever you were going. I know that the moment you two saw each other again, you confessed your love for him or that he hurt you because you were stupid and killed yourself. Knowing Niall, it was probably both. I don’t think that he meant to hurt you in the way he did, but I think it was meant to be that we lost both of you. If that’s all I ever know about you guys, I’ll be lucky.
365 days without you Liam, and it still feels like it was yesterday that I was telling you we’d lost Niall. It still feels like yesterday that I found you.
I love you Liam,
(and Nialler, too.)
~ Hazza.
These days, we’re slowly getting back into music. It doesn’t feel right without you and Niall, though. Our fans have been there every step of the way. Through Zayn’s trip to rehab for alcohol. Through Louis’s therapist appointments. I’ve coped by writing – songs, stories, letters, etc. I still see your sister around, sometimes your parents. Niall’s family comes around quite a bit as well. After 365 days without you, I can finally say it’s becoming a little bit easier. 365 days of you and Niall still haunting my thoughts, almost ruining my social life. People ask me if after a year it’s gotten easier. It has, but only a tiny bit. It still feels like yesterday that I found you. Your tear stained face, hugging the blue notebook, wearing Niall’s sweatshirt. It looked like you’d taken all those pills, then cried yourself to sleep. Did you? Did you automatically regret your decision? Were you ready? Who I am I kidding, I know you were ready, just like Niall was. I know that Niall was waiting for you, when you got wherever you were going. I know that the moment you two saw each other again, you confessed your love for him or that he hurt you because you were stupid and killed yourself. Knowing Niall, it was probably both. I don’t think that he meant to hurt you in the way he did, but I think it was meant to be that we lost both of you. If that’s all I ever know about you guys, I’ll be lucky.
365 days without you Liam, and it still feels like it was yesterday that I was telling you we’d lost Niall. It still feels like yesterday that I found you.
I love you Liam,
(and Nialler, too.)
~ Hazza.
Numbness.... Total numbness :(
You should write a happy one now
5/17/14