World Tour
Nightmare
***Louis Tomlinson***
Monday, August 13th, 2012 – North London, England
I didn’t think telling my boyfriend who had just tried to kill himself that my fake girlfriend had almost kissed me earlier was a good idea, so I kept that to myself and focused on trying to make him better. My heart ached so badly, and I had no one to blame but myself. If I had treated Harry better, he never would’ve believed those tweets because he would’ve known without a doubt that I loved him, and only him. I couldn’t get the image of him standing there, his face pale and his eyes blank, tears streaming down his face with blood pouring from his wrist and a knife poking at his stomach. I couldn’t get the thought of not having made it in time out of my head, either. What if Abby and I had hit just one more red light? Then what would I have come home to?
I just held Harry as we laid in my bed. I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to leave his side. I wanted him to delete his Twitter account and never go online or read any tabloid ever again. I wanted to protect him from all of it. He was so young and impressionable and I had failed miserably at taking care of him. I had had to play the selfish card and scold him for not thinking about me first – I knew he loved me more than he loved himself and that might be the only way to prevent this from happening in the future. I needed him, so badly, and all I could think was how I hated not having Niall, Liam, and Zayn around to help me help Harry. Obviously I couldn’t do it on my own or he never would’ve gotten this bad.
I was able to get Harry to eat something for dinner, but other than that we stayed in my bed the rest of the day. I heard my phone go off many times, but I never answered or looked to see who it was, not wanting to take my eyes off of Harry even just for a split second. I traced my fingers along his arm as I tried to get him to go to sleep, but they stopped when I felt the cut on his wrist from earlier. He tried to pull his arm away from me, but I grabbed it, and looked at him questioning. It wasn’t like I’d never seen his cuts before, or that I didn’t know these ones would be there. He had washed his arm off of all the blood before dinner, and I didn’t think anything of it until he got so tense when I touched it. I gently cradled it moved the blanket to look at it. My face fell when I saw the large “L” carved so deeply into my boyfriend’s skin. I looked at him, and he looked away, ashamed.
“Please tell me that ‘L’ is for ‘left’,” I said, referring to which arm it was on. Harry shook his head. “Harry, I – I’m so sorry, Harry,” I turned my face into the pillow to stifle the sobs. Harry climbed on top of me, pressing his chest to my back, completely embracing me in his arms as he wrapped them tightly around my shoulders.
“It’s not your fault,” he told me. How could it not be? My boyfriend carved my initial into his wrist right before he tried to end his life. Clearly, there was an issue, and that issue was me.
Finally, Harry rolled off me and was able to fall asleep, and I let myself close my eyes for a light snooze, making sure I’d be aware if I felt him wake up or move.
Sure enough, around two in the morning, he sat straight up in bed, gasping for air, grabbing his chest. I sat up with him and rubbed his back.
“Harry?” I asked, worried. He didn’t say anything.
“Harry!” I said, louder. He looked at me, and his eyes focused, then his face relaxed.
“Nightmare,” he muttered.
“Talk to me about it,” I coaxed, wrapping both of my arms around him as we fell back against the pillows.
“I just stopped breathing,” he choked out.
“Okay, you know what?” I said, not seeing either of us falling back asleep any time soon. “I think we both could use some fresh air. You want to go for a walk?” Harry nodded, and we got up and threw on some sweats, then walked over to the lake. We didn’t talk much, but the fresh air seemed to help both of us. We sat down in the sand and held each other until the sun came up, then we went back home.
Shortly after breakfast, Management called and told me Abby and I needed to make an appearance at a charity event that day. Harry nodded for me to go ahead, but I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone yet. I hung up with Management and looked at Harry.
“I’ll be fine,” he told me.
“I can tell them I’m not going,” I said.
“I’m fine, Lou,” Harry emphasized.
“That’s what you said yesterday,” I reminded him.
“Well…I was okay when I said that…” he trailed off, knowing I had a point.
“Yeah,” I raised my eyebrows. “How about I call Niall and have him come stay with you while I’m gone?” I suggested.
“Niall hates me,” Harry muttered.
“Niall doesn’t hate a soul,” I replied.
“I was so horrible to him. I’ve never been so mean to Niall. He’s probably the most mad at me out of all of them.”
“He’s also the one who’s going to forgive the easiest,” I reminded him. Harry looked at me, then nodded his consent – being alone was hard enough for him when he was stable. I stepped out of the room and called Niall. To my surprise, he answered after a few rings.
“Hey,” he said, his voice rough.
“Hey, Niall,” I said. “Look, I know we have some stuff we need to talk about, but Harry – there’s kind of been an emergency with Harry and I have to leave and I’m wondering if you can come hang out with him for a couple hours?”
“What kind of emergency?” Niall asked, alarmed.
“He – um – he tried to kill himself yesterday.” Pause.
“I’m on my way over,” Niall said, then hung up. Good. I knew Niall wouldn’t leave Harry’s side while I was gone, so this was a good way for them to make up, and if they needed to yell at each other for awhile first then so be it – at least my Harry would be safe.
Niall arrived in record time, bursting through the front door and walking straight over to Harry, who was sitting on the couch. I hadn’t told Harry I’d let Niall know what had happened.
“You tried to kill yourself, Harry?” he demanded. “What the hell?” Harry blinked.
“Looks like you’ve got this covered,” I told Niall, and slapped him on the back as a peace offering. I walked over and kissed Harry goodbye.
“I love you,” I said, looking deep into his eyes.
“I love you, too,” he said, and then I left the two to work it out.
Monday, August 13th, 2012 – North London, England
I didn’t think telling my boyfriend who had just tried to kill himself that my fake girlfriend had almost kissed me earlier was a good idea, so I kept that to myself and focused on trying to make him better. My heart ached so badly, and I had no one to blame but myself. If I had treated Harry better, he never would’ve believed those tweets because he would’ve known without a doubt that I loved him, and only him. I couldn’t get the image of him standing there, his face pale and his eyes blank, tears streaming down his face with blood pouring from his wrist and a knife poking at his stomach. I couldn’t get the thought of not having made it in time out of my head, either. What if Abby and I had hit just one more red light? Then what would I have come home to?
I just held Harry as we laid in my bed. I never wanted to let go. I never wanted to leave his side. I wanted him to delete his Twitter account and never go online or read any tabloid ever again. I wanted to protect him from all of it. He was so young and impressionable and I had failed miserably at taking care of him. I had had to play the selfish card and scold him for not thinking about me first – I knew he loved me more than he loved himself and that might be the only way to prevent this from happening in the future. I needed him, so badly, and all I could think was how I hated not having Niall, Liam, and Zayn around to help me help Harry. Obviously I couldn’t do it on my own or he never would’ve gotten this bad.
I was able to get Harry to eat something for dinner, but other than that we stayed in my bed the rest of the day. I heard my phone go off many times, but I never answered or looked to see who it was, not wanting to take my eyes off of Harry even just for a split second. I traced my fingers along his arm as I tried to get him to go to sleep, but they stopped when I felt the cut on his wrist from earlier. He tried to pull his arm away from me, but I grabbed it, and looked at him questioning. It wasn’t like I’d never seen his cuts before, or that I didn’t know these ones would be there. He had washed his arm off of all the blood before dinner, and I didn’t think anything of it until he got so tense when I touched it. I gently cradled it moved the blanket to look at it. My face fell when I saw the large “L” carved so deeply into my boyfriend’s skin. I looked at him, and he looked away, ashamed.
“Please tell me that ‘L’ is for ‘left’,” I said, referring to which arm it was on. Harry shook his head. “Harry, I – I’m so sorry, Harry,” I turned my face into the pillow to stifle the sobs. Harry climbed on top of me, pressing his chest to my back, completely embracing me in his arms as he wrapped them tightly around my shoulders.
“It’s not your fault,” he told me. How could it not be? My boyfriend carved my initial into his wrist right before he tried to end his life. Clearly, there was an issue, and that issue was me.
Finally, Harry rolled off me and was able to fall asleep, and I let myself close my eyes for a light snooze, making sure I’d be aware if I felt him wake up or move.
Sure enough, around two in the morning, he sat straight up in bed, gasping for air, grabbing his chest. I sat up with him and rubbed his back.
“Harry?” I asked, worried. He didn’t say anything.
“Harry!” I said, louder. He looked at me, and his eyes focused, then his face relaxed.
“Nightmare,” he muttered.
“Talk to me about it,” I coaxed, wrapping both of my arms around him as we fell back against the pillows.
“I just stopped breathing,” he choked out.
“Okay, you know what?” I said, not seeing either of us falling back asleep any time soon. “I think we both could use some fresh air. You want to go for a walk?” Harry nodded, and we got up and threw on some sweats, then walked over to the lake. We didn’t talk much, but the fresh air seemed to help both of us. We sat down in the sand and held each other until the sun came up, then we went back home.
Shortly after breakfast, Management called and told me Abby and I needed to make an appearance at a charity event that day. Harry nodded for me to go ahead, but I wasn’t comfortable leaving him alone yet. I hung up with Management and looked at Harry.
“I’ll be fine,” he told me.
“I can tell them I’m not going,” I said.
“I’m fine, Lou,” Harry emphasized.
“That’s what you said yesterday,” I reminded him.
“Well…I was okay when I said that…” he trailed off, knowing I had a point.
“Yeah,” I raised my eyebrows. “How about I call Niall and have him come stay with you while I’m gone?” I suggested.
“Niall hates me,” Harry muttered.
“Niall doesn’t hate a soul,” I replied.
“I was so horrible to him. I’ve never been so mean to Niall. He’s probably the most mad at me out of all of them.”
“He’s also the one who’s going to forgive the easiest,” I reminded him. Harry looked at me, then nodded his consent – being alone was hard enough for him when he was stable. I stepped out of the room and called Niall. To my surprise, he answered after a few rings.
“Hey,” he said, his voice rough.
“Hey, Niall,” I said. “Look, I know we have some stuff we need to talk about, but Harry – there’s kind of been an emergency with Harry and I have to leave and I’m wondering if you can come hang out with him for a couple hours?”
“What kind of emergency?” Niall asked, alarmed.
“He – um – he tried to kill himself yesterday.” Pause.
“I’m on my way over,” Niall said, then hung up. Good. I knew Niall wouldn’t leave Harry’s side while I was gone, so this was a good way for them to make up, and if they needed to yell at each other for awhile first then so be it – at least my Harry would be safe.
Niall arrived in record time, bursting through the front door and walking straight over to Harry, who was sitting on the couch. I hadn’t told Harry I’d let Niall know what had happened.
“You tried to kill yourself, Harry?” he demanded. “What the hell?” Harry blinked.
“Looks like you’ve got this covered,” I told Niall, and slapped him on the back as a peace offering. I walked over and kissed Harry goodbye.
“I love you,” I said, looking deep into his eyes.
“I love you, too,” he said, and then I left the two to work it out.
@Sinthiaa
No, it's not hers, it's mine, and I can't get in touch with her or the site admins to get it taken down, grrr haha. Thank you for saying something though :-) *MUAH*
5/6/14