World Tour
Disneyworld
***Louis Tomlinson***
Monday, July 2nd, 2012 – Orlando, Florida, USA
Once Harry and I were ready for my “surprise”, we went downstairs to meet the guys in the lobby. That morning had been a nice, welcome change to the general tone between Harry and I since I got out of the hospital. We were okay, and I knew we would be, but it seemed like there were still some things we hadn’t addressed. I knew he blamed himself for the accident, but I couldn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to talk about it. So after the guys woke me up, although I was acting grumpy, I secretly loved every second of pestering Harry, because it felt like things were normal, even if only for a few minutes. I knew we’d figure it out when we got home, and now that the tour was over we would have time to work things out completely, which I knew we would.
The other three guys showed up in the lobby, and we all got in a van. As soon as we began driving, Zayn snuck around from behind me and tied a blindfold around my eyes, much to the complaints of yours truly. Harry was sitting next to me, the other three in the row behind us, and he was in charge of making sure I didn’t try and peek. He decided to have even more fun with me than he already had been, and began teasing me by tracing his finger tips along my arm and thigh. I couldn’t even say anything because the other guys were there, and I was pretty sure Harry had a smirk on his face the whole time. As much as it drove me crazy – in a good way, of course – it only confirmed that he and I were going to be just fine. Finally, the van came to a stop, and the guys helped me out. We walked a few steps, and I could hear people around us so I knew we were somewhere public.
“You ready?” Zayn asked me, as we all stopped. I nodded, and they pulled the blindfold off of me. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight, I dropped my jaw. We were at Disneyworld. I looked at each of the guys, who were all smiling happily.
“Come here,” I said, holding out my arms, and they all jumped on me, joining in on a group hug. Then we bought our tickets and went inside. I was surprised at how not busy it was for a summer day, but that certainly didn’t bother me. Most of the people there were families with kids too young and parents too old to know who we were, so people left us alone for the most part, and the occasional fan asking for a picture or autograph didn’t bother us. Nothing could bother us – we were at Disneyworld, and the guys said they had reserved three nights at a hotel on the Disneyworld resort, so we had a few days to get everything we wanted to do in. I couldn’t even handle the excitement and the overwhelming love I felt from my friends. Apparently, almost dying causes the people who love you to make sure you know how much they love you. I was beginning to see Harry’s argument about how it bothered him when I didn’t say those words.
Shortly before dinner time, we decided to go on the bumper cars. We were waiting in the short line, and I looked at the bumper cars just in time to see someone slam into the side of another car. I had an immediate, involuntary flashback to the car accident, and my stomach churned.
“Lou?” Harry asked me, turning from his conversation with Niall when he heard me take a breath. “You okay?” I shook my head, then stepped out of line and found the closest men’s room, where I threw up in a toilet. The guys had all followed me in there, and I walked out of the stall with my hands on my head.
“What’s up?” Liam asked me, concerned. I made eye contact with Harry, hoping he would read what I was trying to tell him. Luckily, he did.
“Hey, can you guys give us a minute?” Harry asked the others. “We’ll meet up with you later.” The other three nodded, and then gave me worried looks before they disappeared out of the bathroom. “What’s going on?” Harry asked me. I had never broken down in public like that before, ever, and I hated it. I wanted all the pain and regret to go away, and I wanted to feel okay again, and I couldn’t wait any longer for that to happen. I knew if anyone could help start that process, it would be the love of my life.
“Harry, I – I can’t deal with it on my own anymore,” I said. I’d never asked him – or anyone, for that matter – for help (outside of cooking for me). He knew it was a big deal that I was asking, and he knew it was a big deal that I had come to him. Luckily, he didn’t turn this into a mushy moment.
“Deal with what?” he asked, calmly, but I could see in his eyes he knew.
“I killed someone, Harry!” I exclaimed, banging my fist on the stall door, which swung back and hit the wall, giving me some weird satisfaction when it made a noise.
“No, you didn’t,” Harry told me. “It was an accident, Louis, it wasn’t anybody’s fault.”
“If I had treated you better, you never would’ve gotten mad at me, I never would’ve left the hotel, I wouldn’t have gotten in a cab, I wouldn’t have told him to just drive around, the truck never would’ve hit us, and he would still be alive! He had a family, Harry!” The tears began to pour out. Harry took a step towards me.
“First of all, you treat me perfectly, you always have,” he said, patiently. “Second of all, you can’t play the ‘what if’ game, Lou, it’ll drive you crazy. There’s no way to change what happened, unfortunately, so instead of spending all your time wondering what could’ve been, you need to start figuring out how you’re going to deal with this so you can move on. And, Lou, I think this is a great first step.”
“How am I supposed to move on from having killed someone?” I asked desperately.
“Well, you can start by no longer referring to it as you having killed someone. It was an accident, Love, these things happen, and the more time you spend blaming yourself or anyone else, the angrier you’ll get.” Someone walked in the bathroom just then, so Harry made a motion with his head towards the door, and I followed him back out into the fresh air. We walked in silence for a few minutes while Harry let me mull over what he had said. I knew he had a point, but that didn't take the guilt away. When he realized I wasn’t going to say anything, he stopped walking at a railing overlooking a river, and we leaned over it, staring at the water as sounds of joyous laughter rang all around us. Would I ever be that happy again? “Lou,” Harry began, “you need to forgive yourself.”
“How?” I asked, genuinely wanting to know.
“Just like you’ve forgiven me for everything I’ve done. You love me, so you forgave me. And I know you love yourself, Lou, that’s a good thing.”
“I’m not so sure I do anymore,” I admitted. “Not after what I did.”
“No. It’s what happened, Louis, it’s not what you did,” he emphasized. “Besides, you can’t judge yourself on one event. There’s so much more to you than that.” I looked sideways at Harry. I wanted so badly to believe him.
“I just – I mean, he had two little kids, Harry,” I said. “What’s his wife supposed to do now?”
“What if you were to reach out to her?” Harry suggested. I blinked.
“I’m probably the last person she wants to see,” I said.
“Maybe,” Harry shrugged. “But maybe not. Maybe what she needs is to see that you’re okay, and then she can start healing, too.” I swallowed.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Just, consider it, okay? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? She won’t want to talk to you. You’ll be okay. But it could end up being a really good thing, too, for both you and her. It’s worth a shot.” I nodded, blinking back tears. Harry put his hand on my back.
“I’ll think about it,” I said.
“Louis?” Harry said, then he turned his neck to look at me. I looked at him. “You’re a good person. You’re gonna be alright.” Something about his words made the emotions finally take over and I cried into my hands. Harry grabbed my arm and pulled me down a hill to a bench where no one else was, and hugged me, careful to make sure the paparazzi didn’t see. “Thank you for talking to me about this,” he whispered.
“Thank you for making it okay for me to,” I said into his chest. He kissed the top of my head, then he called the guys to find out where they were.
Monday, July 2nd, 2012 – Orlando, Florida, USA
Once Harry and I were ready for my “surprise”, we went downstairs to meet the guys in the lobby. That morning had been a nice, welcome change to the general tone between Harry and I since I got out of the hospital. We were okay, and I knew we would be, but it seemed like there were still some things we hadn’t addressed. I knew he blamed himself for the accident, but I couldn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to talk about it. So after the guys woke me up, although I was acting grumpy, I secretly loved every second of pestering Harry, because it felt like things were normal, even if only for a few minutes. I knew we’d figure it out when we got home, and now that the tour was over we would have time to work things out completely, which I knew we would.
The other three guys showed up in the lobby, and we all got in a van. As soon as we began driving, Zayn snuck around from behind me and tied a blindfold around my eyes, much to the complaints of yours truly. Harry was sitting next to me, the other three in the row behind us, and he was in charge of making sure I didn’t try and peek. He decided to have even more fun with me than he already had been, and began teasing me by tracing his finger tips along my arm and thigh. I couldn’t even say anything because the other guys were there, and I was pretty sure Harry had a smirk on his face the whole time. As much as it drove me crazy – in a good way, of course – it only confirmed that he and I were going to be just fine. Finally, the van came to a stop, and the guys helped me out. We walked a few steps, and I could hear people around us so I knew we were somewhere public.
“You ready?” Zayn asked me, as we all stopped. I nodded, and they pulled the blindfold off of me. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight, I dropped my jaw. We were at Disneyworld. I looked at each of the guys, who were all smiling happily.
“Come here,” I said, holding out my arms, and they all jumped on me, joining in on a group hug. Then we bought our tickets and went inside. I was surprised at how not busy it was for a summer day, but that certainly didn’t bother me. Most of the people there were families with kids too young and parents too old to know who we were, so people left us alone for the most part, and the occasional fan asking for a picture or autograph didn’t bother us. Nothing could bother us – we were at Disneyworld, and the guys said they had reserved three nights at a hotel on the Disneyworld resort, so we had a few days to get everything we wanted to do in. I couldn’t even handle the excitement and the overwhelming love I felt from my friends. Apparently, almost dying causes the people who love you to make sure you know how much they love you. I was beginning to see Harry’s argument about how it bothered him when I didn’t say those words.
Shortly before dinner time, we decided to go on the bumper cars. We were waiting in the short line, and I looked at the bumper cars just in time to see someone slam into the side of another car. I had an immediate, involuntary flashback to the car accident, and my stomach churned.
“Lou?” Harry asked me, turning from his conversation with Niall when he heard me take a breath. “You okay?” I shook my head, then stepped out of line and found the closest men’s room, where I threw up in a toilet. The guys had all followed me in there, and I walked out of the stall with my hands on my head.
“What’s up?” Liam asked me, concerned. I made eye contact with Harry, hoping he would read what I was trying to tell him. Luckily, he did.
“Hey, can you guys give us a minute?” Harry asked the others. “We’ll meet up with you later.” The other three nodded, and then gave me worried looks before they disappeared out of the bathroom. “What’s going on?” Harry asked me. I had never broken down in public like that before, ever, and I hated it. I wanted all the pain and regret to go away, and I wanted to feel okay again, and I couldn’t wait any longer for that to happen. I knew if anyone could help start that process, it would be the love of my life.
“Harry, I – I can’t deal with it on my own anymore,” I said. I’d never asked him – or anyone, for that matter – for help (outside of cooking for me). He knew it was a big deal that I was asking, and he knew it was a big deal that I had come to him. Luckily, he didn’t turn this into a mushy moment.
“Deal with what?” he asked, calmly, but I could see in his eyes he knew.
“I killed someone, Harry!” I exclaimed, banging my fist on the stall door, which swung back and hit the wall, giving me some weird satisfaction when it made a noise.
“No, you didn’t,” Harry told me. “It was an accident, Louis, it wasn’t anybody’s fault.”
“If I had treated you better, you never would’ve gotten mad at me, I never would’ve left the hotel, I wouldn’t have gotten in a cab, I wouldn’t have told him to just drive around, the truck never would’ve hit us, and he would still be alive! He had a family, Harry!” The tears began to pour out. Harry took a step towards me.
“First of all, you treat me perfectly, you always have,” he said, patiently. “Second of all, you can’t play the ‘what if’ game, Lou, it’ll drive you crazy. There’s no way to change what happened, unfortunately, so instead of spending all your time wondering what could’ve been, you need to start figuring out how you’re going to deal with this so you can move on. And, Lou, I think this is a great first step.”
“How am I supposed to move on from having killed someone?” I asked desperately.
“Well, you can start by no longer referring to it as you having killed someone. It was an accident, Love, these things happen, and the more time you spend blaming yourself or anyone else, the angrier you’ll get.” Someone walked in the bathroom just then, so Harry made a motion with his head towards the door, and I followed him back out into the fresh air. We walked in silence for a few minutes while Harry let me mull over what he had said. I knew he had a point, but that didn't take the guilt away. When he realized I wasn’t going to say anything, he stopped walking at a railing overlooking a river, and we leaned over it, staring at the water as sounds of joyous laughter rang all around us. Would I ever be that happy again? “Lou,” Harry began, “you need to forgive yourself.”
“How?” I asked, genuinely wanting to know.
“Just like you’ve forgiven me for everything I’ve done. You love me, so you forgave me. And I know you love yourself, Lou, that’s a good thing.”
“I’m not so sure I do anymore,” I admitted. “Not after what I did.”
“No. It’s what happened, Louis, it’s not what you did,” he emphasized. “Besides, you can’t judge yourself on one event. There’s so much more to you than that.” I looked sideways at Harry. I wanted so badly to believe him.
“I just – I mean, he had two little kids, Harry,” I said. “What’s his wife supposed to do now?”
“What if you were to reach out to her?” Harry suggested. I blinked.
“I’m probably the last person she wants to see,” I said.
“Maybe,” Harry shrugged. “But maybe not. Maybe what she needs is to see that you’re okay, and then she can start healing, too.” I swallowed.
“I don’t know,” I said.
“Just, consider it, okay? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? She won’t want to talk to you. You’ll be okay. But it could end up being a really good thing, too, for both you and her. It’s worth a shot.” I nodded, blinking back tears. Harry put his hand on my back.
“I’ll think about it,” I said.
“Louis?” Harry said, then he turned his neck to look at me. I looked at him. “You’re a good person. You’re gonna be alright.” Something about his words made the emotions finally take over and I cried into my hands. Harry grabbed my arm and pulled me down a hill to a bench where no one else was, and hugged me, careful to make sure the paparazzi didn’t see. “Thank you for talking to me about this,” he whispered.
“Thank you for making it okay for me to,” I said into his chest. He kissed the top of my head, then he called the guys to find out where they were.
Notes
Ever since I've written these Disney chapters, I've been getting tons of Disney ads on my computer, haha. The Internet is as creepy of a stalker as I am...Aww these two are so good at being there for each other!!!
@Sinthiaa
No, it's not hers, it's mine, and I can't get in touch with her or the site admins to get it taken down, grrr haha. Thank you for saying something though :-) *MUAH*
5/6/14