***Louis Tomlinson***
Saturday, May 12th, 2012 – North London, England

After a delicious breakfast prepared so lovingly by my wonderful boyfriend, we promised Zayn and Niall we’d be on Liam duty that day so they could go home and shower and whatnot, and then they could take Liam back to his place and switch off watching him overnight. That was partly due to the fact that I really couldn’t wait to see how Harry was going to “make me pay” for waking him up. Whatever it was, I knew it would be a win-win for both of us, but that didn’t keep me from thinking about it the rest of the day. I tried to focus all of my energy onto Liam, knowing he needed me right then and it wasn’t the time to be selfish.

Zayn and Niall went home, and Liam sprawled out on the couch, where he pretty much stayed the rest of the day. Harry and I took turns staying with him, watching TV or playing video games, but he wasn’t interested in anything. He hadn’t eaten breakfast, and when Harry offered to make him lunch, he didn’t want that, either. I didn’t know what to do for him; he was so unresponsive, to everything. Harry tried getting him to talk, I tried joking around, but nothing worked – it was like he wasn’t even there. I was actually beginning to get worried.

When Harry went into the kitchen to make dinner for everyone – the guys were coming back over to eat before they took Liam with them – I sat down next to Liam on the couch. I had never, ever seen him even remotely close to this bad; he was always the mature one, the one who didn’t let emotions drive him.

“Liam,” I said, when he didn’t even acknowledge my presence. “I know things suck for you right now, and I’m sorry. I wish I could make this better for you, I hate seeing you like this. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, whatever you need, okay?” Liam turned his head to look at me, which I took as a good sign.

“Thank you, Lou,” he said, nodding. “I’m sorry I’m being so difficult, I just – I’m still processing.”

“You’re not being difficult,” I told him. “You have every right to be upset. In fact, I’m impressed with how well you’re handling this, because if I ever lost Harry I don’t think I’d be doing half as well as you are.”

“You really love him, don’t you?” Liam asked me. I nodded.

“I do,” I said, smiling fondly.

“I wanted me and Danielle to have what you guys have so badly.”

“You don’t think you did?”

“She never looked at me the way you and Harry look at each other. I guess that should’ve been a sign.” Liam turned his head back to the blank television screen. My heart warmed at that thought – the thought that people wanted the kind of love Harry and I had, not the thought that Liam was hurting over not having it.

“You’ll find the right one, just like I did,” I told him.

“If it’s not Danielle, then I don’t want to,” he replied. I understood – that was exactly how I felt about Harry. I clamped my hand on Liam’s shoulder, and then we stayed like that until Zayn and Niall came back and Harry finished dinner.

Niall, Zayn, and Liam left late, and I looked lustfully at Harry. He jumped me before I could even make an attempt at starting the dishes, and we somehow managed to make it up to my room where he had a blast teasing me – almost getting close to making an actual move and then stopping, and laughing at my disappointed reaction every time. All he was doing was just turning me on, making the build up so intense that I knew the release would be amazing, but I still let myself get too caught up in the excitement just before he would stop at the last second. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Curly, you’re killing me here!” I exclaimed. Harry looked at me, smiling, satisfied that he had paid me back for waking him up. Then he hovered over me and kissed me again, only this time the kiss had a different taste to it than all the ones from before I’d spoken. I put my hands on his face and pulled his lips from mine, looking at him curiously. He smiled.

“I heard you and Liam talking before dinner,” he shrugged. “I just wanted to pay you back for this morning before I rewarded you for what you said to Liam tonight.” I looked into Harry’s eyes, suddenly so overcome with emotion that I had to pull his lips back to mine just to keep him from seeing me tear up, and then we finally got around to doing what we had come up there for in the first place.

I had to give Harry props for being so patient with my unwillingness to be vulnerable. He had known I was like that before we’d started dating, yet had still pursued me for some reason, so maybe that’s why he didn’t seem to mind too much – he knew what he had signed up for. He was so laid back about it though – he never complained about me not opening up to him but gave me positive reinforcement on the occasions that I did. He was so perfect, too perfect for me, and sometimes I thought my heart would just explode with love for the kid.

By the time we left for North America on Sunday, May 20th – two days before our first show so we could adjust to the time change – Liam still hadn’t snapped out of his trance. He barely ate anything or talked, but his rehearsals had been amazing, as he threw himself into practicing. We all knew we just had to let him go through the motions, but it was hard to see our friend like that, especially when we all felt so helpless.

The first month of the North American tour went well, although I was learning the true meaning of “exhaustion”: we had 18 shows in 27 days in three different countries, but I relished every minute of it. Harry’s ankle had completely healed, and he and I were doing better than ever. I was looking forward to the Anaheim show on Sunday, June 17th, because we had almost a full week break between that and our next show, and I intended to spend the majority of that break at Disneyland with the guys. The morning of the Anaheim show, I walked from my dressing room to the stage for sound check wearing Mickey Mouse ears so that there was no confusion as to what the week’s plans were. I went through the whole sound check wearing them, to the amusement of the guys who worked at the venue. The guys in the band, of course, found it to be quite normal behavior for me.

After the concert, we went back to the hotel, a mixture of excitement and exhaustion among us, knowing this break couldn’t have come at a better time. We all gathered in Liam’s room for a bit, to talk about how excited we were for Disneyland in the morning. I noticed Liam was being quiet through the whole conversation, so finally when there was a break from the chatting, I slapped him on the knee.

“What’s up?” I asked him. He was sitting on an arm chair, and I was sitting below it, Niall and Zayn on the bed and Harry across from me on the floor.

“I promised Danielle I’d take her to Disneyland someday,” he said, out of the blue. We’d been – okay, I’d been – talking about Disneyland for weeks now, and I was surprised Liam hadn’t brought it up before.

“Oh, man,” Zayn sighed.

“How come you never said anything until now?” Niall asked.

“I thought it would be okay,” Liam shrugged. “I didn’t expect to think about it, but now that it’s here, I just – I can’t help but think about her.”

“Have you talked to her since you guys broke up?” Zayn asked. Liam shook his head.

“I’ve tried calling and texting, but she just ignores me.” I could see the pain and sadness in Liam’s eyes, even though it had been a month since they broke up.

“Look, Liam,” I said, shifting so I was looking up at him. “You’re a really good person. You deserve to be with the best woman out there, and maybe that’s not Danielle. As much as we all loved her, if she can’t treat you right then you’re better off moving on.” Liam looked at me, mulling over what I had just said.

“When’d you get so wise?” Zayn teased me. I shrugged.

“I’ve been there,” I said.

“When?” Harry asked, and I realized he didn’t know. I wasn’t sure how I felt about talking about it now, but I knew backing down at this point would only upset him. I sighed.

“In high school,” I said. “I dated this girl, Natalie, and I really thought she was the one I was going to marry. I was so in love with her, at least I thought I was,” I said, looking pointedly at Harry. “And it hurt, bad, when we broke up, but I’m so glad for that experience because it taught me a lot about relationships, and now that I’m with Harry it made me realize how I wasn’t even close to being in love with her.” Again, I glanced at Harry, hoping he would appreciate that last little bit. I knew how easily he got jealous, but I hoped the fact that this had happened before I knew him would mean it wouldn’t bother him. I couldn’t read his expression, though; he was just staring at me, blankly.

“So you think I never really loved Danielle?” Liam asked, more genuinely questioning it than thinking I was judging him.

“No, I know you did,” I told him. “But your potential for love grows and ages with you, so the way you love someone at twenty five might not be the same way you did at eighteen.” Harry blinked, then stood up and angrily marched out of the room. The guys and I all looked at each other as I replayed what I had said in my head, trying to figure out what had upset him. I couldn’t figure it out, so I jumped up and followed him out, getting to his room door just before it slammed shut. I pushed it back open and went inside.

Notes

Directioners,

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