***Harry Styles***
Saturday, December 24th, 2011, in North London, England

I bumped into Louis in the hallway and noticed he only had a towel wrapped around his waist. It wasn’t the first time I had seen him with a lack of clothes on, but for some reason, tonight, it turned me on. The intimacy of it just being the two of us, alone, at the holidays, having spent a fun afternoon together, made it different. I knew Louis wasn’t like that, and I also knew he had no clue that I was; none of the guys did. But when he tilted his head to the side, I didn’t think; I took it as an open invitation to kiss him, which I immediately regretted more than anything. He pulled back and stared at me, appalled.

“Harry, I – ” he started, but I was too horrified and embarrassed to listen. I darted back into my room and shut the door, leaning against it, breathing heavily. I waited until I heard the shower water turn on, and then I threw some clothes in a bag, deciding I was going to go to my parent’s house that night instead of waiting until the morning, not wanting to face Louis so soon, or ever again, really. It was a three hour drive to my family, and I wasn’t looking forward to being alone in the car with my thoughts, but I had to get out of the house, now. I heard the shower water turn off just as I bolted out the front door. I hopped in my car and wasted no time speeding down the street. It hadn’t even been a minute before my phone rang. I glanced at it and saw that it was Louis. I ignored the call, then turned off my phone, not wanting to talk to anyone ever again.

I had always kind of known I wasn’t into girls, but that didn’t stop me from still being attracted to and turned on by the female gender. I’d had enough girlfriends that nobody suspected anything. Naturally, being in a boy band left all of us open for speculation, but none of my band mates ever even considered the thought that I might not be straight, at least not to my knowledge. If they had, they’d never said anything about it to me, and we were usually pretty open with each other. Except about this. Until tonight.

What did Louis think of me now? Would he ever speak to me again? Would he leave the band? Would he kick me out of the band? Would he tell the others? What if the public found out?

Calm down, Harry, I told myself. I knew Louis wouldn’t do any of those things – he was Louis Tomlinson. This would stay between us. At worst, he’d move out of the house and things would be awkward for awhile. At best – and I was really hoping for this scenario – we’d come back after Christmas and never mention it again; just pretend the whole thing had never happened. Yeah, right.

I think I knew from the second I laid eyes on Louis. He was perfection stuffed into the body of a teenage boy. His smile could solve all of the world’s problems. When we first saw each other, I may have stared a bit too long, but he didn’t seem to notice or find it suspicious if he did. The more our friendship developed and the stronger our relationship got, the more I knew I was falling in love with him. He would be the first boy I ever had real feelings for – in fact, he would be the first person I ever had real feelings for. I had liked my girlfriends, sure, but I never felt that spark, that heart wrenching, gut sinking pang like I did every time I looked at Louis, or he touched me – which he did often. He touched all of us often – it was just the way he was. I welcomed it with open arms at first, and we both got used to it. But the more I fell for him, the harder it was to let him touch me without wanting to jump him right there. Half the time we were in public, so I was able to control myself. But not today.

I had told myself it would never happen. I had told myself if it ever got too much to bear, I would just sit Louis down and talk to him. I knew he wouldn’t reciprocate my feelings – how could he? – but at least he could understand why I couldn’t have him touching me all the time, or walking down the hall with no clothes on. I also knew I could trust him. I did trust him, with my life, and with all my secrets. If I told him something that private, I knew he wouldn’t tell a soul, not even the other guys in the band. Another thing about him that I loved. I spent the rest of the drive home torturing myself, my mind arguing with itself over the fool I had just made of me in front of my best friend, the one person, the first person, who really understood me.

Notes

So Directioners,

This is another chapter with more explanation than the rest will have because it's the first one from Harry's perspective, giving some insight into where he's at.

Thanks again for reading!

:)