World Tour
Heart to Heart
***Louis Tomlinson***
Monday, August 20th, 2012 – North London, England
I woke up Monday morning to Harry watching me sleep. I made to stretch, and then I remembered what had happened the day before when my entire body screamed with pain. I gasped and winced, closing my eyes.
“What hurts?” Harry asked.
“Everything,” I muttered.
“I’ll go get your meds,” Harry replied. He carefully got out of the bed and I heard him thunder down the stairs. I didn’t hear any voices, so I knew the guys had either already left or were still asleep. I assumed the latter. Harry came running back up the stairs and handed me a pill and a glass of water. I took it, hoping it would set in quickly. Harry stayed sitting on his knees on the floor, facing me.
“Come back to bed,” I said, not ready to fully get up yet.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“You’re not going to hurt me,” I promised, and I scooted over. He stood up and gently climbed back in bed. I laid on my side, looking at him, and smiled. “Morning,” I said, realizing I hadn’t officially greeted him.
“Morning,” he replied, evaluating my face.
“What?” I asked.
“Can we finish our conversation from last night?” Harry asked. I frowned, but nodded. I had known that was coming. “Lou,” he started, “I knew that you were worried about me, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I’m so sorry. Sometimes I forget that the things I go through affect the people around me.”
“That’s because we care about you, Harry,” I said. “I don’t mind worrying about you; in fact, it’s nice to have someone to worry about. I just hate the fact that you’re in so much pain.”
“Which causes you pain,” he muttered.
“Mostly because I just feel like you don’t always tell me everything,” I explained. “Sometimes it seems like there’s more going on with you but you’re not ready to talk about it, and you know I can relate to that, but I’m not going anywhere, Harry, you can tell me anything and I’ll still be by your side.” I got choked up at the vulnerability of that statement. Harry sighed.
“You’re right,” he nodded. “I don’t tell you everything. Part of me wants to protect you from knowing what goes on in my head, and part of me was afraid you’d judge me, but Liam reminded me the other night that that’s not how you are, so I’m sorry I thought that.”
“We’re all afraid of being judged, Love,” I told him. “But, Harry, you’re my everything. I will not judge you for a single thing, ever. I may not understand all of it, but you can be damn sure I will try my best and I will always support you and be there for you, whether I can relate to what you’re going through or not, whether I agree with you or not. I’ve got your back, Kid, I just need you to be open with me.”
“And I could say the same exact thing to you,” Harry told me. “But I know you have been trying to be open with me since we got back together and I want you to know I see that and I really do appreciate it, Lou.”
“You know I would do anything for you, for us,” I reminded him. “Now, talk to me, please. Tell me what you haven’t been able to.” Harry looked at me, then glanced away, fighting tears. I wrapped my arm around his back to reassure him. He swallowed then looked at me.
“It’s not that I want to end my life,” he began. “I mean, not always, not most of the time. But when I do…it’s bad. It gets so scary, and dark and hopeless, and…” he trailed off. I kissed him on the forehead. He took a deep breath. “The worst part of it all, Lou, is – I try and think about you when it gets like that, and I can’t. I can’t see your face in my head and I can’t think what you would do if you lost me.”
“You know why that is?” I offered, gently. Harry gave a slight shake of his head. “It’s because you know if you did start to think about me, you’d change your mind. You wouldn’t go through with it because you’d remember you have something to live for – us. That’s the scary part, though, Harry, because it means when it does get that bad, you really are wanting to end your life.”
“I don’t even know what I have to be depressed about!” Harry exclaimed, tears spilling from his eyes. “I have you, and the band, and an awesome family, and the best job, and my health, and I never have to worry about money or anything like that yet I still can’t be happy!” I blinked.
“Harry,” I said. “You realize depression is a chemical imbalance, right? It’s an actual physical condition. I’ve even read that sometimes it has to do with your genes.”
“I know, Lou, but I just feel like the universe is out to get me. Like it hates me so much, that it would rather watch me suffer and laugh at me than just let me die.” My heart sank, and I stared at Harry. Then I grabbed him and hugged him tight, not caring about the soreness in my body from doing so. He hugged me back, shaking slightly as he cried. I took a deep breath and pulled away, remembering what Zayn had told me the other night.
“Harry,” I started, choked up myself. “The universe isn’t out to get you. Things may be hard, but that’s what you have me for, okay? And you’re not doing anything wrong that’s making you feel this way, Harry, it’s not wrong for you to be depressed. Zayn was just talking to me about how I need to remind you that it’s okay if you’re not okay, it really is. You have me, and you have the rest of the guys, too.”
“Zayn hates me,” Harry muttered.
“What?” I gasped.
“Lou, come on, it’s obvious. He always kind of has, but especially since we’ve been dating and I stole you away from him.”
“That is not true, not at all,” I told Harry. “Zayn loves you, so much. You’re like a little brother to him, and to Liam and Niall as well.”
“Zayn loves me because he has to,” Harry argued. “But that doesn’t mean he likes me.”
“Where are you getting this from?”
“I’m surprised you haven’t noticed,” Harry replied. “Or that he hasn’t said anything to you. Just pay attention to the way he talks to me. He hates me.”
“No,” I shook my head and stroked Harry’s cheek. “Nobody hates you.”
“Except Zayn, Abby, and the millions of people around the world who send me hate tweets every day.”
“Okay, excluding Zayn, none of those other people matter, Love. You can’t let them dictate your life.”
“I don’t know how not to,” Harry said. I wiped his tears away with my thumbs.
“We’ll figure it out,” I promised him. “What matters is that me, Liam, Niall, and yes, Zayn, love you. So does Gemma, so do your parents, so do all your childhood friends and all your other family members. And you know the majority of the people out there love you, Harry – you need to start listening to the fans and ignoring the critics, but I learned yesterday that’s easier said than done.” I sighed.
“How are you doing?” Harry asked me. I shrugged. He had just opened up to me a lot, the least I could do was return the favor.
“I’m not gonna lie, Harry, it hurts,” I said.
“Has the pill not kicked in yet?” Harry asked, alarmed.
“No, no, I can deal with the bruises,” I said. “But those words, Harry…” I trailed off.
“Don’t let them get to you,” Harry told me. “I know I’m not the best example of that, but you’re stronger than I am. You know who you are, and so do I. Screw everyone else.”
“I wish I could. But I know I need to look at the positives – if this is what it took to make Liam sober, then so be it.” Harry blinked, just as Liam, Niall, and Zayn walked in the room.
Monday, August 20th, 2012 – North London, England
I woke up Monday morning to Harry watching me sleep. I made to stretch, and then I remembered what had happened the day before when my entire body screamed with pain. I gasped and winced, closing my eyes.
“What hurts?” Harry asked.
“Everything,” I muttered.
“I’ll go get your meds,” Harry replied. He carefully got out of the bed and I heard him thunder down the stairs. I didn’t hear any voices, so I knew the guys had either already left or were still asleep. I assumed the latter. Harry came running back up the stairs and handed me a pill and a glass of water. I took it, hoping it would set in quickly. Harry stayed sitting on his knees on the floor, facing me.
“Come back to bed,” I said, not ready to fully get up yet.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.
“You’re not going to hurt me,” I promised, and I scooted over. He stood up and gently climbed back in bed. I laid on my side, looking at him, and smiled. “Morning,” I said, realizing I hadn’t officially greeted him.
“Morning,” he replied, evaluating my face.
“What?” I asked.
“Can we finish our conversation from last night?” Harry asked. I frowned, but nodded. I had known that was coming. “Lou,” he started, “I knew that you were worried about me, but I didn’t realize it was that bad. I’m so sorry. Sometimes I forget that the things I go through affect the people around me.”
“That’s because we care about you, Harry,” I said. “I don’t mind worrying about you; in fact, it’s nice to have someone to worry about. I just hate the fact that you’re in so much pain.”
“Which causes you pain,” he muttered.
“Mostly because I just feel like you don’t always tell me everything,” I explained. “Sometimes it seems like there’s more going on with you but you’re not ready to talk about it, and you know I can relate to that, but I’m not going anywhere, Harry, you can tell me anything and I’ll still be by your side.” I got choked up at the vulnerability of that statement. Harry sighed.
“You’re right,” he nodded. “I don’t tell you everything. Part of me wants to protect you from knowing what goes on in my head, and part of me was afraid you’d judge me, but Liam reminded me the other night that that’s not how you are, so I’m sorry I thought that.”
“We’re all afraid of being judged, Love,” I told him. “But, Harry, you’re my everything. I will not judge you for a single thing, ever. I may not understand all of it, but you can be damn sure I will try my best and I will always support you and be there for you, whether I can relate to what you’re going through or not, whether I agree with you or not. I’ve got your back, Kid, I just need you to be open with me.”
“And I could say the same exact thing to you,” Harry told me. “But I know you have been trying to be open with me since we got back together and I want you to know I see that and I really do appreciate it, Lou.”
“You know I would do anything for you, for us,” I reminded him. “Now, talk to me, please. Tell me what you haven’t been able to.” Harry looked at me, then glanced away, fighting tears. I wrapped my arm around his back to reassure him. He swallowed then looked at me.
“It’s not that I want to end my life,” he began. “I mean, not always, not most of the time. But when I do…it’s bad. It gets so scary, and dark and hopeless, and…” he trailed off. I kissed him on the forehead. He took a deep breath. “The worst part of it all, Lou, is – I try and think about you when it gets like that, and I can’t. I can’t see your face in my head and I can’t think what you would do if you lost me.”
“You know why that is?” I offered, gently. Harry gave a slight shake of his head. “It’s because you know if you did start to think about me, you’d change your mind. You wouldn’t go through with it because you’d remember you have something to live for – us. That’s the scary part, though, Harry, because it means when it does get that bad, you really are wanting to end your life.”
“I don’t even know what I have to be depressed about!” Harry exclaimed, tears spilling from his eyes. “I have you, and the band, and an awesome family, and the best job, and my health, and I never have to worry about money or anything like that yet I still can’t be happy!” I blinked.
“Harry,” I said. “You realize depression is a chemical imbalance, right? It’s an actual physical condition. I’ve even read that sometimes it has to do with your genes.”
“I know, Lou, but I just feel like the universe is out to get me. Like it hates me so much, that it would rather watch me suffer and laugh at me than just let me die.” My heart sank, and I stared at Harry. Then I grabbed him and hugged him tight, not caring about the soreness in my body from doing so. He hugged me back, shaking slightly as he cried. I took a deep breath and pulled away, remembering what Zayn had told me the other night.
“Harry,” I started, choked up myself. “The universe isn’t out to get you. Things may be hard, but that’s what you have me for, okay? And you’re not doing anything wrong that’s making you feel this way, Harry, it’s not wrong for you to be depressed. Zayn was just talking to me about how I need to remind you that it’s okay if you’re not okay, it really is. You have me, and you have the rest of the guys, too.”
“Zayn hates me,” Harry muttered.
“What?” I gasped.
“Lou, come on, it’s obvious. He always kind of has, but especially since we’ve been dating and I stole you away from him.”
“That is not true, not at all,” I told Harry. “Zayn loves you, so much. You’re like a little brother to him, and to Liam and Niall as well.”
“Zayn loves me because he has to,” Harry argued. “But that doesn’t mean he likes me.”
“Where are you getting this from?”
“I’m surprised you haven’t noticed,” Harry replied. “Or that he hasn’t said anything to you. Just pay attention to the way he talks to me. He hates me.”
“No,” I shook my head and stroked Harry’s cheek. “Nobody hates you.”
“Except Zayn, Abby, and the millions of people around the world who send me hate tweets every day.”
“Okay, excluding Zayn, none of those other people matter, Love. You can’t let them dictate your life.”
“I don’t know how not to,” Harry said. I wiped his tears away with my thumbs.
“We’ll figure it out,” I promised him. “What matters is that me, Liam, Niall, and yes, Zayn, love you. So does Gemma, so do your parents, so do all your childhood friends and all your other family members. And you know the majority of the people out there love you, Harry – you need to start listening to the fans and ignoring the critics, but I learned yesterday that’s easier said than done.” I sighed.
“How are you doing?” Harry asked me. I shrugged. He had just opened up to me a lot, the least I could do was return the favor.
“I’m not gonna lie, Harry, it hurts,” I said.
“Has the pill not kicked in yet?” Harry asked, alarmed.
“No, no, I can deal with the bruises,” I said. “But those words, Harry…” I trailed off.
“Don’t let them get to you,” Harry told me. “I know I’m not the best example of that, but you’re stronger than I am. You know who you are, and so do I. Screw everyone else.”
“I wish I could. But I know I need to look at the positives – if this is what it took to make Liam sober, then so be it.” Harry blinked, just as Liam, Niall, and Zayn walked in the room.
@Sinthiaa
No, it's not hers, it's mine, and I can't get in touch with her or the site admins to get it taken down, grrr haha. Thank you for saying something though :-) *MUAH*
5/6/14