***Louis Tomlinson***
Saturday, August 18th, 2012 – North London, England

Harry went out with Liam and Max and I looked forward to some one on one time with Zayn. He and I had hung out a lot more often before I started dating Harry, and I felt guilty about that because I knew it was my fault. And now that the issue had come up twice of the guys feeling like Harry and I separated ourselves from them, I was determined not to let that happen again. I hated when we fought with the band, and especially this time because I had really needed them, even though I hated needing people.

Zayn came over Saturday night and we ordered a pizza and played video games while we waited for the food to arrive. Once it got there, we sat down in the kitchen and began eating.

“How are you doing, Louis?” Zayn asked me after awhile. I knew what he meant.

“Worried about Harry,” I shrugged.

“Okay, but how are YOU doing?” he emphasized. I looked at him.

“I’m a mess, Zayn,” I replied, honestly. It was hard being that open and vulnerable, but it was Harry’s life that was endangered because of my irresponsibility. “I completely ruined Harry’s life.”

“That’s not true,” Zayn told me. “Why do you think that?”

“I’m the one who let Abby into our world! I ignored Harry’s warnings about her, I kept seeing her, I trusted her, and I told her about Harry trying to kill himself. Now the whole world knows about it, and people are telling Harry they wish he had succeeded? None of this would’ve happened if it weren’t for me.”

“Louis, you didn’t have a choice about letting Abby into your world. You had to, for your job. You had no way of knowing she would do this. Harry knows that. He’s not mad at you.”

“He should be,” I muttered. “We would be planning his funeral right now if I had gotten home just half a second later on Monday.”

“But you didn’t,” Zayn reminded me. “You were there, just like you always are, for all of us. Harry might not feel like it right now, but someday he’ll be glad you stopped him.”

“I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong that’s made him so unhappy,” I looked away and blinked back tears.

“You aren’t doing anything wrong,” Zayn told me. “You’ve been so good for Harry. He just needs to be constantly reminded how much we all love him.”

“It’s my fault that he’s not okay,” I argued.

“It’s not, but have you told him it’s okay that he’s not okay?” Zayn asked. I furrowed my brow.

“What?” I questioned.

“It might help for him to know it’s okay that he’s feeling like this. We all go through hard times. If he’s not okay, make it clear that you’re going to be there for him, and that it’s okay if he’s feeling down.” I thought about that. It made sense. “But you need to take care of yourself, too, Lou, or you won’t be able to take care of Harry.” I knew he was right. “And you’re not okay, are you?” Zayn prompted. He knew me so well. I shook my head.

“I want to be,” I confessed. “So badly. And I need to be, like you said, for Harry. But Harry wouldn’t be going through this if it weren’t for me.”

“Remember when Harry blamed himself for your car accident?” Zayn asked. I knew where he was going with that.

“That’s different,” I protested. “He didn’t force me into that car. I tried to force him to be friends with Abby.”

“Have you thought about forgiving Abby?” Zayn asked me. I dropped the slice of pizza I’d been holding.

“Excuse me?” I questioned. How could he expect me to forgive the person who almost cost Harry his life?

“If you can forgive Abby, I think it’ll be a lot easier for you to forgive yourself. Just like things got better when you forgave the guy who was driving the truck that hit you.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, standing up. “You want me to forgive Abby for causing Harry to put a knife to his stomach?”

“I know it’s easy to put the blame on her,” Zayn said gently, and he stood as well. “But she didn’t know he was going to take it that far.”

“She said she wouldn’t have cared if he did!” I exclaimed. Tears welled up in my eyes.

“Maybe so,” Zayn said. “But Harry’s issues are Harry’s, not hers.”

“How can you defend her?” I demanded, as the tears spilled over. “Don’t you care about Harry?!”

“Of course I care about Harry,” Zayn replied, remaining calm. “You know that. But I want you to think about this, Lou, and you might get upset with me for saying it, but, if Harry had died, well, he would be dead. He wouldn’t be suffering anymore. You’re the one who would still be here, in so much pain from not having him around. Do you think maybe you’re really more angry with Abby because of the possibility of you having to go through that, instead of the possibility of Harry ending his life?” I blinked. I knew it made sense. But I was too stubborn – I didn’t want to admit the selfishness.

“How can you say that?” I asked Zayn. “You know I care more about Harry than myself!” That part was true.

“All I know is, if Perrie died, she’d be okay, but I’d be the one left suffering.”

“I think you should leave,” I suggested.

“Don’t push me away, Lou,” Zayn said. I paused.

“I don’t know any other way,” I finally admitted. Zayn walked over and gave me a hug.

“Yes, you do,” he said. “You’ve been doing it with Harry. You’ve grown so much over the past few months, Lou, I’m so proud of you. Don’t regress just because things are hard.” I took a deep breath and nodded.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I know I can be selfish…” I trailed off.

“It’s not being selfish,” Zayn told me. “It’s being in love.”p