World Tour
Pushing Back
***Louis Tomlinson***
Friday, August 17th, 2012 – North London, England
My borderline suicidal boyfriend had hit rock bottom. He was pushing me away. Harry never pushed anyone away, not unless he was fighting with them. So either this whole thing had finally taken its toll on the kid, or he had actually realized what a horrible boyfriend I was and was just waiting until we got home to dump me. I deserved it. I had caused him so much pain, and not just as of late, either. Harry was too good for that. He was too good for me.
We got home and brought the groceries inside. We all begun unloading them and eating some of the food as we went along. After awhile, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I looked around.
“Where’s Harry?” I asked the others. They looked around as well, but nobody knew. I cursed, then darted up the stairs to his room. He was sitting on his bed with a razor blade, but I didn’t see any blood. He was just holding it, staring at the wall. “Hand it over,” I said, holding my hand out. He looked at me, then set it in my hand. I didn’t bother asking him where he’d gotten it – I had kept an extra “in case of emergencies” blade too when we dumped all the others.
“Louis, you haven’t let me be alone once all week,” he told me. “Can I please just have five minutes to myself?”
“No, because clearly I can’t trust you not to do something stupid,” I stated.
“Oh, so now I’m stupid?!” he exclaimed, standing up.
“I didn’t say that,” I told him. Silence. “I need you to talk to me, Curly.”
“Damn it, Louis, there’s nothing to say!” he yelled. I heard footsteps on the stairs and the other three joined us in Harry’s room.
“Harry, it’s going to be okay,” Liam said, gently.
“I’m not five years old!” Harry cried. “I can take care of myself!”
“Obviously not,” I told him, nodding towards the razor blade still in my hand. “And pushing us away isn’t going to help. Trust me, I know.”
“Why is it okay for you to push people away but not me?” he demanded.
“Because you’re Harry,” I emphasized. “You’re better than I am.”
“No, I’m not,” Harry shook his head. I could hear the tears in his voice, and for once that was actually a good sign. It meant he was letting his guard down. If I could just keep him talking…
“Harry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through,” I started, gently. “I’m not even going to pretend that I know what it’s like. But I can’t be there for you unless you tell me what’s going on in your head. You don’t have to deal with this on your own.”
“What about you?!” Harry exclaimed, and his tears fell, making me feel both glad and sad at the same time. “I’ve put you through so much hell lately Louis! What are you still doing with me?” He covered his face with his hands. I gave a look to the guys, and they got the hint and went back down to the kitchen. I walked over to Harry and pulled him into my arms.
“I’m with you because I love you, and I want you, and I need you,” I told him. “I can’t live without you – you’re my everything, Harry. But I’m the one who messed up – I’m the one who let things get so out of hand with Abby, and you’re the one who’s suffering because of it. The real question is what are you still doing with me?” Now I was choked up.
“No. She made you suffer too. And I don’t deserve you,” Harry shook his head. I knew what he meant, but it still didn’t change how I felt.
“You’re right, you deserve so much better,” I said.
“It doesn’t get better than you,” he replied. “I’m sorry, Lou, I just – the whole world knows I’m a failure now.” I pulled back and looked at him.
“If you’re referring to killing yourself, then yeah, I’m damn glad you didn’t succeed. Other than that, I don’t think you’ve failed at a single thing your entire life. I mean, you never give up on anything, which is kind of why this whole situation is so scary.”
“I was doing okay until that stupid tabloid,” Harry muttered.
“And you’re gonna be okay again,” I told him. “I’ll make sure of it.” Harry nodded and I hugged him for a long time, then we went back downstairs with the guys.
Friday, August 17th, 2012 – North London, England
My borderline suicidal boyfriend had hit rock bottom. He was pushing me away. Harry never pushed anyone away, not unless he was fighting with them. So either this whole thing had finally taken its toll on the kid, or he had actually realized what a horrible boyfriend I was and was just waiting until we got home to dump me. I deserved it. I had caused him so much pain, and not just as of late, either. Harry was too good for that. He was too good for me.
We got home and brought the groceries inside. We all begun unloading them and eating some of the food as we went along. After awhile, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I looked around.
“Where’s Harry?” I asked the others. They looked around as well, but nobody knew. I cursed, then darted up the stairs to his room. He was sitting on his bed with a razor blade, but I didn’t see any blood. He was just holding it, staring at the wall. “Hand it over,” I said, holding my hand out. He looked at me, then set it in my hand. I didn’t bother asking him where he’d gotten it – I had kept an extra “in case of emergencies” blade too when we dumped all the others.
“Louis, you haven’t let me be alone once all week,” he told me. “Can I please just have five minutes to myself?”
“No, because clearly I can’t trust you not to do something stupid,” I stated.
“Oh, so now I’m stupid?!” he exclaimed, standing up.
“I didn’t say that,” I told him. Silence. “I need you to talk to me, Curly.”
“Damn it, Louis, there’s nothing to say!” he yelled. I heard footsteps on the stairs and the other three joined us in Harry’s room.
“Harry, it’s going to be okay,” Liam said, gently.
“I’m not five years old!” Harry cried. “I can take care of myself!”
“Obviously not,” I told him, nodding towards the razor blade still in my hand. “And pushing us away isn’t going to help. Trust me, I know.”
“Why is it okay for you to push people away but not me?” he demanded.
“Because you’re Harry,” I emphasized. “You’re better than I am.”
“No, I’m not,” Harry shook his head. I could hear the tears in his voice, and for once that was actually a good sign. It meant he was letting his guard down. If I could just keep him talking…
“Harry, I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through,” I started, gently. “I’m not even going to pretend that I know what it’s like. But I can’t be there for you unless you tell me what’s going on in your head. You don’t have to deal with this on your own.”
“What about you?!” Harry exclaimed, and his tears fell, making me feel both glad and sad at the same time. “I’ve put you through so much hell lately Louis! What are you still doing with me?” He covered his face with his hands. I gave a look to the guys, and they got the hint and went back down to the kitchen. I walked over to Harry and pulled him into my arms.
“I’m with you because I love you, and I want you, and I need you,” I told him. “I can’t live without you – you’re my everything, Harry. But I’m the one who messed up – I’m the one who let things get so out of hand with Abby, and you’re the one who’s suffering because of it. The real question is what are you still doing with me?” Now I was choked up.
“No. She made you suffer too. And I don’t deserve you,” Harry shook his head. I knew what he meant, but it still didn’t change how I felt.
“You’re right, you deserve so much better,” I said.
“It doesn’t get better than you,” he replied. “I’m sorry, Lou, I just – the whole world knows I’m a failure now.” I pulled back and looked at him.
“If you’re referring to killing yourself, then yeah, I’m damn glad you didn’t succeed. Other than that, I don’t think you’ve failed at a single thing your entire life. I mean, you never give up on anything, which is kind of why this whole situation is so scary.”
“I was doing okay until that stupid tabloid,” Harry muttered.
“And you’re gonna be okay again,” I told him. “I’ll make sure of it.” Harry nodded and I hugged him for a long time, then we went back downstairs with the guys.
@Sinthiaa
No, it's not hers, it's mine, and I can't get in touch with her or the site admins to get it taken down, grrr haha. Thank you for saying something though :-) *MUAH*
5/6/14