Those were the last words I would ever speak to my mom as she was alive. The doctor looked up at me, and I nodded my head. He disabled the life support, and my mom flat lined. I released her hand, and turned myself into Harry. I needed to get out of the room. The doctor closed her eyes, and pulled the blanket up over her head.
“Harry can we please go now?” I said with tears pouring from my eyes.
“Yeah come on.” Harry said leading me out of the room.
We went straight to the car, and drove home. Harry and I didn’t say a word to each other. There really is nothing to say. Nothing he could say would make me feel better, and he knew that. I just had to come to accept the fact that my mom was gone, and was never coming back.
We pulled up at the house, and I stayed in the car. When Harry saw I wasn’t moving, he didn’t either.
“Alana?” he said.
I sat stone faced. I wasn’t even crying anymore. I couldn’t. People cry when they are sad, and what I was feeling was a million times worse than sad.
“Alana, I am so sorry about your mom. But you can’t stop living because of it. You need to cut the cord, and say goodbye. You are holding on to some idea that she can come back, but she can’t and you need to let go in order to move on.” Harry said softly to me.
I know he was trying to be nice, and I appreciated it, but the last thing I needed was him telling me how to feel. I needed to be mad and hateful and upset. That was the only way I knew to feel better.
“How do expect me to feel? What do you expect me to do? Run in circles happily? Skip around singing about rainbows and sunshine? My mom just died Harry! She’s dead and you aren’t helping at all!” I shouted.
Harry nodded his head, and looked down.
“I’m sorry. I just…I didn’t mean to yell at you, Harry I’m just really, really upset now, and I just need you to be here with me, and on my side.” I whispered.
“I am here for you Alana. Always.” Harry said.
I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his neck. He intertwined his fingers in my hair and held me tightly against his chest. I could feel his heart beat on me, and it was calming.
He lifted me out of the car, and carried me inside, still in his arms. It was already late, so when we went inside, we went straight to bed.
As we laid down Harry held me close to him, and I feel asleep almost instantly. I was having a terrible nightmare that Harry was dying. In it, we were back at the hospital; accept Harry was in the bed where my mom was. Everything that happened with my mom was now happening to him.
I woke up screaming, sweating, and crying. Harry bolted up next to me.
“Shh…Alana, it’s okay. You were only having a nightmare. Come here.” He whispered, pulling me into his strong arms.
“Harry don’t leave me.” I cried.
“Never baby never. Calm down. You’re okay.” Harry said.
I gripped onto his back, and he rubbed my head, and back. He slowly laid us back down in bed, and pulled me into his chest.
“Now that she’s back in the atmosphere -With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey -She acts like summer and walks like rain -Reminds me that there’s time a to change, hey, hey -Since the return from her stay on the moon -She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey.” Harry sang to me softly.
I cuddled into him closer. He continued to sing me as I fell asleep. Tomorrow was my mom’s funeral. I didn’t want to do a wake for her. I just wanted her to be buried now, so she could rest in peace forever.
When I woke up the next morning, I was buried in Harry’s arms still. He was sound asleep, but his shirt was soaking wet, and his eyes looked puffy, even though they were closed.
I grabbed his hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. I loved him so much. He was here for me in the time I needed him most. What happened in my life hadn’t scared him away. He truly loved me.
Harry began to stir. I looked up at him, and his eyes were bloodshot.
“God Alana. You had me worried all night.” Harry said with a shaky voice.
“I’m so sorry. What did I do? I thought I was asleep.” I said.
“You were. You were crying in your sleep, hard. Alana I hate seeing you so upset, but I don’t know what to do about all of this. I can’t say or do anything to make you feel better, and I wish there was some way I could help you.” Harry said, letting a few tears escape his eyes.
“You are helping me Harry. You are helping me let go. After what you said in the car last night, I’ve been thinking. You were right. I need to say goodbye. Today at the funeral, I’m letting go forever.” I said.
“I’ll be right there with you Alana.” Harry said kissing my forehead.
“I love you Harry Styles. I love you so much.” I whispered.
Harry pressed his lips to mine.
“I love you too.” He said not removing his lips from mine.
I smiled at him, and he kissed my smiling lips.
“Happy is a good look on you.” Harry said while kissing my fingers.
“Well don’t get used to it. I might lose it at the funeral.” I said my eyes stinging with tears.
Harry climbed on top of me, and rested himself gently on me. He nestled his head into my neck, and breathed slowly. He didn’t say anything, he just laid there. I wrapped my arms around him, and he kissed my neck. I shivered a little. I knew he wasn’t going to go any further than kissing my neck, and to be completely honest, I kind of wished he would have.
Harry always had a way of making me forget everything around me. When we hung out, even if there were a million other people in the room, it felt like it was only us. When he kissed me, my world stopped, and I forgot everything. When he held me in his arms, it felt like my life was being completed. When we were having sex, it wasn’t just a lustful act, it was happening because we are in love. We put a meaning behind the words making love. When we were together in that way, it was like being on top of the world, nothing could ever beat the feeling of love I had for Harry.
Harry sucked lightly on my collarbone, sending chills down my spine. Goosebumps rose up all over my body, and I stopped thinking about everything. All I was thinking about was how much Harry meant to me.
He continued kissing all around my neck and chest. I ran my fingers through his hair, and he looked up at me. His deep green eyes were full of love. His face was so pure, and beautiful. I took my hand, and lightly caressed his cheek. He held my hand to his face, and looked me deep in the eyes.
“I love you.” he whispered to me.
“I love you too.” I said, and nodded.
He kissed my fingertips lightly, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his warm lips on my skin, enjoying the feeling of our bodies being pressed together, enjoying the feeling of being loved and wanted, and the feeling of being needed.
Harry slowly removed himself from me, and kissed all around my face, finally making his way to my lips.
“We need to get ready to go now.” Harry said.
I nodded, and he grabbed my hands, and slowly pulled me out of bed. We went into the bathroom, and Harry turned on the shower and got in as I brushed my teeth. We switched spots after he finished.
I got out of the shower, and dried my hair. I pulled out my black dress, blazer, and pumps. I straightened my hair, and made a sloppy fishtail braid. Harry wore a black suit.
“Is Niall coming?” I asked Harry.
“Yeah. I told him too.” Harry answered.
I wanted Niall to be here with me, because he was like my brother. I was best friends with the other boys, but I wanted to keep the funeral small.
Harry and I got in the car, and headed to the cemetery. My dad and I were going to make speeches on my mom there, and then they would bury her.
When we pulled up, Harry grabbed my hand, and we stepped out of the car. Niall was already there, and he ran toward me with open arms.
He pulled me into a big tight hug, and held my head into his shoulder.
“I am so sorry Alana.” He said.
“Thank you.” I answered getting a little teary eyed.
Niall wiped my eyes, and I retreated into Harry’s arms. Harry held me closely to him, and rubbed his hand up and down my arm.
The funeral began, and the priest was there talking. The whole time, I kept my head rested on Harry’s shoulder. He kept his arm tightly around me, and occasionally kissed the top of my head. He held me with one arm around me, and the other held my hand, intertwining our fingers.
It was time for me to go up and make my speech over the casket. They had already placed the casket in the hole in the ground, and I stood at the podium by it. I looked out at all the people who had come. My eyes welled slowly with tears, and the trickled down my face. I looked at Harry who nodded at me.
“Hello. Um, I’ve never really made a speech like this before, and I don’t really know what to say, to make anyone feel better, since me myself feel pretty low right now. I love my mom with all my heart, and even though she isn’t physically here, she is through thoughts and memories. I wanted to keep her alive through me. I wanted to live for her. I didn’t want to let go of her. Someone really close to me told me something that got me thinking. He told me that I needed to cut the cord and the only way to move on, is to let go. I’m letting go, and I’m moving on. I will never forget my mom, and I will never stop loving her, but I need to live on in my life. So mom, I love you, and goodbye.” I said stepping down from the podium.
The priest handed me the dirt to through into the hole, and I tossed it in, with tears in my eyes. I walked back to my seat, and sat down next to Harry.
“You did good.” He whispered.
“Thank you, for everything.” I whispered back.
Harry kissed me swiftly on the lips, and held my hand. Niall patted my knee and smiled at me. I smiled back, and grabbed his hand. He gave my hand a little squeeze.
They filled the hole, and everyone started to file out. Niall was leaving too, and he gave me a lingering hug goodbye.
“See ya later babe.” He said kissing my cheek.
“Bye Niall, thank you for being here.” I said.
“I’m always here for you, unless I fall asleep on your couch.” He said.
I let out a small giggle. Niall walked away. Harry and I stayed behind. I wanted to have a personal moment with my mom, and so Harry and I waited for everyone to clear out. When everyone finally left, Harry and I walked over to her grave.
I knelt down in front of it.
“Can you give me a second?” I asked Harry.
“Yeah, I’ll be right down there if you need me.” Harry said.
I smiled at him, and he walked away. I kissed my mom’s gravestone, and placed a small tulip, my mom’s favorite flower, at the base.
“I love you. Goodbye.” I whispered.
I stood up and walked away and found Harry. I came up from behind him, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I rested my head in-between his shoulder blades.
“You all set?” Harry asked softly.
“Yeah.” I smiled.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I’m not sad anymore.” I said.
“That’s good.” Harry answered.
Harry turned me around to face him, and kissed my lips. I kissed him back.
“Let’s go home.” I said to Harry.
He took my hand, and led me to the car. We drove home listening to the radio. When we got home, Harry started acting really weird.
“Is something up?” I asked him.
“Um…no?” he said as more of a question.
“Please not now.” I said getting nervous.
“No, it’s nothing bad, I swear, you just seem tired, and like well…this is going to be awkward.” Harry said opening the door.
All the boys, were there, and there were pizzas and snacks set up on the counter.
“I thought this would be a good way to take your mind off things, but I’m not so sure now.” Harry mumbled.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed his cheek.
“I love it. Thank you.” I said.
All the boys came over and gave me big hugs and kisses on the cheek.
“We need to go change, but be right back.” I smiled.
I dragged Harry upstairs, and we changed into sweats and more comfortable clothes.
“You aren’t in the mood for this are you?” Harry asked me quietly.
I walked up to Harry.
“If you had told me about this at the cemetery, I wouldn’t have been. But it is a pleasant surprise. I am tired, but I’m not passing up an opportunity to be happy.” I said.
“Is this your nice way of telling me that you hate it?” Harry asked.
“No. I love it. Thank you for setting it up. It’ll be fun.” I said.
Harry smiled, and kissed me sweetly. Harry and I walked back downstairs, and sat in the couch. We began to eat, and everyone was talking and laughing. I had almost completely forgot about everything that had been happening.
“Let’s play truth or dare!” Louis shouted.
“Yeah let’s do it!” Niall shouted in agreement.
I laughed and the rest of us agreed.
“Alright little Miss Alana, you are the first victim.” Zayn said.
“Go for it.” I replied.
“Truth or dare?” Zayn said in a want to be scary voice.
“Truth.” I said because I was too comfortable where I was to get up and do anything.
I was lying with my head in Harry’s lap and he was twirling my hair.
“Have you and Harry had sex?” Louis asked.
“Mhm. Like a lot.” I answered.
Harry and I laughed remembering dinner at his mom’s house.
“I like ice.” Harry mumbled causing me to squeal with laughter.
“Who was the best person you’ve ever had sex with?” Zayn asked.
“Hey it’s not my turn anymore.” I said.
“Answer it.” Harry said.
“Pushy much?” I joked.
“You better say me Alana or I swear you’ll never walk again.” Harry winked.
“Hmm…I guess Harry.” I said.
“Good girl.” Harry said kissing my head.
“Who’s the best person you’ve had sex with man whore?” I asked.
“I’ve had a lot of sex, but you are definitely the best. Most spontaneous.” Harry smiled.
“Not Caroline you know with all her experience?” Niall asked.
“Doesn’t even compare.” Harry stated.
“Mind if I take a test run then Harry?” Louis said.
“Don’t you dare even joke about banging my girlfriend.” Harry said pulling me close to him and squishing my face.
“Calm your hormones Tomlinson.” I said to Louis.
Everyone laughed.
“Alright. Harry truth or dare?” Liam asked.
“Dare.” Harry said.
“I dare you to make out with Alana right here right now. Two minutes on the clock go!” Louis said.
Harry pulled me up, so I was sitting up in his lap. He placed his lips gently on mine, and began to kiss me slowly.
“I want to see tongue!” Louis shouted.
Harry’s warm tongue grazed my bottom lip, and I parted my lips to allow him entrance. His tongue slid into my mouth, and he rubbed his tongue softly on mine.
“Alright two minutes it up!” Louis shouted.
Harry didn’t pull away from me. He lifted his hand up to silence Louis. I smiled into our kiss. Louis flung a pillow at us.
“Jeez Lou!” I shouted.
“With the pillow?” Harry laughed.
“You bit my tongue.” I said to Harry.
“Sorry babe.” Harry said.
I grabbed my tongue, and rubbed it. Harry leaned in, and kissed my tongue. I laughed wildly, and kissed Harry’s cheek.
“You are gross.” Liam mocked.
“Truth or dare?” I said to Liam.
“Truth.” He answered.
“Have you and Danielle had sex!?” Louis shouted.