Harry had been gone a week or so, doing the VMA’s. I wished I could be there to support him, but I needed to be at the hospital with my mom.
During this week, I had been under so much stress. I hadn’t left the hospital since the first day I was called here. I had called Anne a few times, asking her to bring my clothes and things from home. She did gladly, and even spent some days at the hospital with me. I was very grateful that she would stay with me. It took my mind off of things with my mom, and she had become like a second mother to me.
During this one week a lot had happened. My mom hadn’t made any progress; the only thing that happened to her was she was getting worse and worse. My dad had stopped by a few times, and I ignored him. I know it was terrible, but with all that was going on right now I didn’t need a meet the boyfriend situation to pop up.
I had been suffering a little bit of depression and had picked up some bad habits. I had begun to cut myself. I hadn’t done it a lot at first, but when I got the news that my mom would probably not make it, it pushed me over the edge. I had some eyebrow razors with a little blade in them, and I had been cutting myself for some time.
Harry was coming back today, and I was hoping that him being around, would take my mind off of everything, and that he could make me feel better. I didn’t want him to know that I had been cutting, and I wasn’t planning on telling him. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was ashamed that I had taken things this far, but there was nothing I could do to stop. If my mom was hurting, I deserved the same pain.
I was sitting in the waiting room, where I always was, when I heard a familiar voice call my name.
“Alana?” Harry said.
“Oh Harry!” I shouted, and ran to him.
“How is everything?” Harry asked.
“Terrible.” I said my eyes welling with tears.
I was so happy to be back in his arms. His had a firm but loving hold on me. I buried my face in his neck.
“Are you okay?” He asked me.
“I’ll never be okay.” I said.
“Yes you will. You’ve made it this far.” Harry said.
“They told me that I should just let go. They said there was practically no chance she is going to live.” I said.
“Practically no chance. That means there may be some chance.” Harry said.
(Author’s note” Listen to Temporary Home By Carrie Underwood…if it ends replay until you finish the chapter. Enjoy J)
I nodded my head. I looked up from Harry and saw my dad walking in with some guy. I started to walk away but Harry stopped me.
“You need to talk to him Alana.” Harry said.
“I’m not ready for this. I can’t do it now, not with everything that is going on.” I said nervously.
“Alana.” My dad called.
“Hi.” I mumbled grabbing Harry’s hand.
“There is someone I want you to meet.”
“Okay.” I said tightening my grip on Harry’s hand.
“This is Derek. He is my partner.” My dad said.
Derek stuck his hand out for me to shake. I looked down at his hand, and my eyes filled with tears. I tried to hold them back, but as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, the tears spilled out.
“How could you!?” I shouted at my dad.
“Alana, please calm down.” Harry whispered in my ear.
“No I won’t calm down!” I shouted.
Harry looked down at the ground. I felt bad for yelling at him, but I just couldn’t take everyone telling me how to feel anymore.
“You have some nerve bringing him here!” I shouted at my dad, “First of all, you lied to mom and I our entire lives acting like you were in love with her, and second this is the person male or female that you cheated on mom with! How could you do this? She is in there dying! She’s dying and it’s your fault! If you had never cheated on her, and divorced her, she would still be okay. I hate you. I hate Derek. I hate this family. I hate my life. I wish that I could be dying like mom is!” I screamed with tears pouring from my eyes.
I let go of Harry’s hand, and ran down the hall into the bathroom. The only bathroom on this floor was a single stall family one. I had been here loads of times. I could walk down this hall blindfolded and backwards. It was plain and white and cold. It was a really unwelcoming depressing place.
I had been carrying a blade with me everywhere. I cut at least ten times a day. I need to feel pain, to know that everything is real. I need to feel pain, because I need to feel something other than sadness and hurt. I need pain to know that this is my reality now.
I leaned against the wall and sobbed. I took in sharp quick breaths as I placed the blade to my wrist. I inhaled deeply, and added a little pressure. I let out a hard breath, and added more pressure to the blade. I had stopped crying. I had stopped feeling hurt, all I felt, was the blade penetrating my skin, making me bleed.
I hadn’t locked the door when I entered the bathroom. Silly mistake on my part. Harry had followed me. He pushed the door open and saw my on the ground, with hot blood oozing from my wrist. I had made a few cuts by the time he had gotten to where I was.
“Alana no.” Harry said dropping to the floor beside me.
He ripped the blade from my hand, and tossed it in the toilet, which he proceeded to flush.
“What was that for!?” I shouted through my tears.
“You can’t do this to yourself!” Harry shouted at me.
He grabbed my arms, and wiped the blood from them. He wrapped some toilet paper around my wrists.
“If I had been here this past week this never would have happened to you.” Harry said.
“Yes it would have this isn’t your fault.” I sobbed.
Harry had a few tears streaming down his cheeks. It hurt him so much that I would hurt myself.
“You can’t do this anymore Alana. Promise you won’t do this anymore.” Harry said crying.
“I want to die Harry. I want to die. I can’t take feeling like this anymore. Please just let me die Harry.” I sobbed.
I buried my face in my hands, and cried hard. My whole body trembled. Harry grabbed me, and held me. He didn’t say anything, he just let me cry into him. We both sat on the floor. I sobbed into Harry.
“I want to die.” I said over and over.
Harry pulled away from me, and cupped my face in his hands.
“I want you to live. I love you, and I would be nothing without you. Whatever happens Alana, I will be here, with you. I will help you through everything. You aren’t alone okay? I love you so much, and I hate seeing you hurting so much. Please no more cutting. Please just let me help you.” Harry said.
“I just want you to hold me Harry, and never ever let go.” I said.
Harry grabbed my shoulders, and pulled me into his tight embrace. I felt safe in his arms. He always knew how to make me feel better. I held onto him tightly, and he picked me up. He carried me out into the waiting room, where he sat me in his lap. I laid my head on his shoulder, and he stroked my hair, and calmed me down.
“I love you Harry. Thank you for being here with me.” I said.
“I love you too. I will always be here for you.” Harry said with his warm lips on my cheek.
I stayed snuggled up on Harry for a long time. A doctor approached me later that night, holding a few papers.
“Miss Alana Goldberg?” He asked.
“Yeah?” I said.
“We need you to sign these. We are taking your mom off life support tonight. She has just reached a point of being totally brain dead, and even if she lives through this, she will be nothing but a body. She will never speak, walk, talk, or move. She won’t be able to eat, and she will die a slow painful death. If we pull life support now, she will die peacefully.” The doctor said.
“So you…you…you…want me to sign a paper to kill my mom?” I said my voice shaking and tears spilling down my cheeks.
“You will be doing her a huge favor, rather than leaving her alive to suffer.” The doctor said.
Harry held my hand tightly, as I grabbed the pen from the doctor.
“Will I be able to go in while they do it? I want to hold her hand and let her know she’s okay.” I said.
“Of course.” The doctor said.
I signed the paper, with a shaking hand. I let out a strained sob, and Harry and I walked into my mom’s room.
“Hi mommy.” I said running over to her bed and grabbing her hand.
“I love you more than anything. You know that. I’m doing this so you will be happy, and all the pain will be gone okay. I love you mom. I love you with all my heart and soul. I will see you again someday. You helped me through everything, and I wish that I could have been here for you more and I will forever regret not being with you. But, I’m here now. I love you. I will miss you forever. I love you.” I said.
The doctor looked down at me and got ready to shut off her machines. I grabbed my mom’s hand.
“You can let go.” I whispered to my mom, letting a tear roll down my cheek.
“You can let go now.” I said.