4 Days
4 Days
It’s been 4 days since I’ve heard his voice. That’s approximately 96 hours, maybe a little more. Who knows, I’ve lost count. Too many times have I rang his phone, praying he would answer just one last time so I could hear his laugh, his voice, the way he says “I love you, you know that?” Kind of like he’s questioning his ability to love someone. I never understood why he did that; no one had ever loved me better than him.
It’s been 4 days since I’ve woken up next to him; his arm slung protectively over me, pulling me to his chest, his body keeping me warm.
It’s been 4 days since I found him lying lifeless on the bathroom floor, empty bottle of pills still clenched tightly in his strong hand. I memorized every word the note had said, every sentence, every punctuation mark and every teardrop that had dried onto the paper.
He explained how sorry he was, that he loved me so much but he couldn’t continue pretending he was okay. He thanked me for loving him, because he was positive no one ever would.
It’s been 2 days since we buried him, his body laying cold in the casket a smile dancing on his lips, like he had finally found peace. I watched his family and friends cry for him while I sat there numbly. I couldn't move, could barley breathe. I couldn't believe he left me like this, so easily.
Now as I sit here, in our apartment that once held so much laughter, love and joy and I think back to when I was younger. I remember my mother in the psych ward, making friends with a girl who told me she was here because she had loved someone so much.
I never understood how that girl could be so depressed over losing a boy, but now I do; because now that girl is me. I touch the framed photo beside my bed, the one we used to share, with all our cups of tea in the morning, the slow conversations we had right before we fell asleep.
It’s been 4 days since I’ve touched his soft skin, felt his hand caress my cheek and his lips kiss mine. Only 4 days, and I’ve already flown into a full blown break down because you see, I will never love someone as much as I love him.
I think back to the first time he told me he loved me, sitting on my parent’s roof drinking Jack Daniels and Coke, watching the stars and the sky. He looked at me, and whispered the 3 words I never thought would come out of someone’s mouth.
The tears drip slowly down my face, after 4 days of numbness I have finally broken down, I have finally admitted to myself that he isn’t coming back, I will never see his smile again.
And it’s at that moment that I know what I have to do.
I rip a piece of paper, scribble out a note silently as the tears fall more freely now. But maybe, maybe they aren’t tears of sadness but maybe they’re tears of happiness; because I know that soon enough I will see his smiling face.
I grab the bottle of pills and turn on a song, our song. As the haunting melody plays in the background I swallow the pills, periodically taking chugs of vodka. I can feel myself slipping; my eyesight begins to spot with black. A smile plays on my lips because I know soon; soon I will be with him again. Soon I will have him in my arms again.
Before the darkness completely takes over my body, I manage to stutter out one last sentence.
“I’ll see you soon, Harry.”
It’s been 4 days since I’ve woken up next to him; his arm slung protectively over me, pulling me to his chest, his body keeping me warm.
It’s been 4 days since I found him lying lifeless on the bathroom floor, empty bottle of pills still clenched tightly in his strong hand. I memorized every word the note had said, every sentence, every punctuation mark and every teardrop that had dried onto the paper.
He explained how sorry he was, that he loved me so much but he couldn’t continue pretending he was okay. He thanked me for loving him, because he was positive no one ever would.
It’s been 2 days since we buried him, his body laying cold in the casket a smile dancing on his lips, like he had finally found peace. I watched his family and friends cry for him while I sat there numbly. I couldn't move, could barley breathe. I couldn't believe he left me like this, so easily.
Now as I sit here, in our apartment that once held so much laughter, love and joy and I think back to when I was younger. I remember my mother in the psych ward, making friends with a girl who told me she was here because she had loved someone so much.
I never understood how that girl could be so depressed over losing a boy, but now I do; because now that girl is me. I touch the framed photo beside my bed, the one we used to share, with all our cups of tea in the morning, the slow conversations we had right before we fell asleep.
It’s been 4 days since I’ve touched his soft skin, felt his hand caress my cheek and his lips kiss mine. Only 4 days, and I’ve already flown into a full blown break down because you see, I will never love someone as much as I love him.
I think back to the first time he told me he loved me, sitting on my parent’s roof drinking Jack Daniels and Coke, watching the stars and the sky. He looked at me, and whispered the 3 words I never thought would come out of someone’s mouth.
The tears drip slowly down my face, after 4 days of numbness I have finally broken down, I have finally admitted to myself that he isn’t coming back, I will never see his smile again.
And it’s at that moment that I know what I have to do.
I rip a piece of paper, scribble out a note silently as the tears fall more freely now. But maybe, maybe they aren’t tears of sadness but maybe they’re tears of happiness; because I know that soon enough I will see his smiling face.
I grab the bottle of pills and turn on a song, our song. As the haunting melody plays in the background I swallow the pills, periodically taking chugs of vodka. I can feel myself slipping; my eyesight begins to spot with black. A smile plays on my lips because I know soon; soon I will be with him again. Soon I will have him in my arms again.
Before the darkness completely takes over my body, I manage to stutter out one last sentence.
“I’ll see you soon, Harry.”
Notes
i cried while writing this jUDGE mE-shelby
omg :'(
1/24/14