The Reckless and The Brave
1/1
10/1 – 11:30 PM
Mondays are the worst, though I’m sure everyone thinks that. I’ve been in school for about a month now, and I already want it to be summer again; mostly because I just want to sleep in (or sleep forever) but a bit because a lot of the people in my classes are annoying. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few cute guys, but none of them would even notice me. I don’t blame them though, I’m too fat to be noticed. I don’t deserve anyone until I reach 100lbs. Only 25 to go, ugh. I started the skinny girl diet today, I really hope it works. (Why isn’t there a skinny guy diet? Guys have ED’s, too!)
Calorie Intake: 400
Weight: 125
10/2 – 6:16 AM
I’m so fucking tiiiired.
7:00 AM
Niall (my roommate) just told me I’m looking skinnier; he didn’t mean it as a compliment, but it made me so happy!
“Louis, I thought you were recovering,” I could hear the sadness in his voice.
“I will,” I shrugged, “I just need to lose twenty five more pounds.”
He stared at me for a while before mumbling something about not understanding me. He doesn’t have to understand, though, and he probably never would, he eats whatever he wants and stays skinny! Some days, I wish I could be him.
8:00 PM
Harry Styles was staring at me in class today. Or at least, I think so. Ugh, he is gorgeous. Chocolate brown curls and green eyes to match. I think he’s the definition of perfect. I sound creepy now. 24lbs down and maybe I’ll talk to him.
Niall and his friend Zayn want to go get some drinks tonight, and Niall’s begging me to go. Whatever I drink, I’ll just have to purge. And I might have to do another workout.
Calorie Intake: 250
Weight: 124
8:11 PM
Anonymous asked a question: ‘You shouldn’t let others encourage how you feel about yourself/your weight; if whoever is a good person, they’d care for you/love you at any weight. You’re gorgeous. xx’
You’re probably lying, but.. Thanks. x
10/5 – 10:20 PM
Sorry I haven’t been on the past few days. Not a lot has been happening.
Harry talked to me yesterday. Kind of.
“Hey, Louis, I like your shirt,” Harry said when I walked into the classroom. I was wearing my black The Script shirt that had their faces on it.
I smiled at him and muttered, “Thank you.”
10:43 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘You’re perfect the way you are, I hope you’ll see that one day. x’
I’m not perfect yet… I probably never will be. Thank you, though. x (who are you?)
11:20 PM
Even though I don’t deserve Harry yet, I hope maybe I’ll exchange a few words with him again on Monday.
Gonna go do some yoga now, then study, then sleep finally! Xx
Calorie Intake: 450
Weight: 120 (yay! only 20lbs to go!)
10/6 – 12:30 PM
I feel so fat right now! Dammit, Niall! Sometimes I fucking hate him. I have to go purge and workout now because he made me eat 150 cals for brunch! No, no, no.
12:35 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘I think Niall just cares about you… I do, too. You’re gorgeous, you don’t have to do this to yourself.’
…Who are you?! You really sound like Niall.
10:46 PM
I didn’t lose anything today. I’m so fucking mad! Fuck 650 calories, I have to fast tomorrow and exercise tons.
Calorie Intake: 450
Weight: ew
10/8 – 7:04 AM
Waaaay too early…
4:00 PM
Harry told me he liked my shirt again today! It was my The Fray shirt. He must have good music taste. I like to imagine listening to these bands on a blanket under the stars with him.. Okay, that’s probably creepy. Why must I crush on guys I barely know? It’s his fault for being so damn cute, though.
4:22 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Harry’s a lucky guy! You should talk to him, he may like you back… You never know. x’
Ha! Like me?! My fat ass?! Funny, anon.
4:26 PM
Anonymous sent a message: I’m being serious… You’re gorgeous and lovely the way you are.
Who are you?!?!?!?
11:56 PM
“Niall, where’s the scale?” I asked, almost frantic; it wasn’t in the spot in the closet where I normally keep it, and I know I didn’t move it.
“Louis, you’re getting sickly underweight,” Niall said, looking more serious than ever before, “I had to… Take it away from you.”
“Take it away from me?!” I suddenly became furious, “You went into my fucking things?!”
“It’s for your own good.”
“My own good,” I snorted, getting closer to him; I wanted to hit him or push him or something!
“Niall, you’re not my fucking mother.”
“No, I’m not,” He crossed his arms, “But maybe I should call your mother and let her know what’s going on.”
“I won’t ever talk to you again,” I threatened, though I knew he probably wouldn’t care.
“I’d rather have you alive and not talking to me than dead.”
I sighed, “Okay. Okay, if I’m gonna get better, I need the scale to see if I’m gaining weight.”
“We can do a blind weight then. You’ll get on the scale backwards and I’ll check your weight.”
I rolled my eyes, “You’re not a fucking doctor! Fuck you, Niall!” I nearly screamed, then left our room, slamming the door.
I walked across campus for a bit. I don’t know why I left, where was I going to go? I wasn’t that close with Zayn, so it’d be weird if I showed up at his dorm and asked to stay there. He’d probably be sucking face with his girlfriend, Perrie, anyway.
I kept walking until I heard a familiar voice behind me; I then turned around and there he was: Harry Styles. (With another guy, of course.)
“Louis!” Harry smiled. I nearly died when those dimples appeared on his face. “I thought that was you!”
I chuckled, “What are you doing out here?”
“Just taking a walk, this is my roommate, Liam. Liam, this is Louis,” I have to admit I was a bit relieved when he said Liam was just his roommate.
Liam smiled and waved, “Hey, mate.”
“Hi,” I said.
“You busy?” Harry asked.
“No,” I shrugged.
“Wanna walk with us? We’re gonna get some Starbucks.”
Yes. Of course I did. But at the same time, of course not. He was probably only offering because I was alone and looked pathetic. I said yes anyway, and walked with them.
Harry asked why I was out alone and I told him I fought with Niall. He asked about what but I said it was nothing important. Liam was really nice, too. (And a bit cute, but nobody compared to Harry.)
When we got to Starbucks, they ended up also getting dessert. Everything looked so good! And Harry offered to buy. So I got dessert, and I felt disgusting. Then I purged, and I felt disgusting. I just can’t win.
I’m back at the room now, and Niall’s sleeping. I’m sure the scale is under the bed (mates never really been good at hiding anything..) but I won’t bother tonight! My fat ass probably gained, and I don’t really want to see that. Ugh.
Calorie Intake: Who knows :/
Weight: ?? Sigh.
10/9 – 7:30 AM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Before you love someone, you must love yourself.’
5:37 PM
Harry invited me to lunch today. He said he had fun with me and Liam last night; it made me happy. We talked, exchanged numbers; it was perfect. Of course I didn’t want to eat, though, but I did. I’ve kept it down so far.
Niall bugged me about recovery again today. I have to admit sometimes I think about it. It’d be nice to eat and keep it down. It’d be nice to eat more than 500 calories a day. It’d be healthy. But, I just don’t think I can, yet.
5:55 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Nobody can force you into recovery. You do it when you’re ready. Just remember, you’ll always be beautiful. xx’
Thank you x
7:13 PM
Niall’s out tonight with Zayn, I’m here alone… Bored. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. Friends, y'know? Ones that don’t judge. I could only dream…
8:18 PM
Niall just texted and asked if I wanted him to bring home any food. I said no, after a lot of hesitation. I have a feeling he’ll bring me some anyway.
8:30 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Stay strong, gorgeous. x’
Love you xxx
11:38 PM
I ate half of what Niall brought me. I feel a little sick. Might purge. Definitely gonna do a little working out… Ugh.
Calorie Intake: More than I was supposed to. :/
Weight: Still didn’t get the scale..
10/11 – 4:07 PM
Didn’t see Harry yesterday or today… Hope he’s okay. It’s probably dumb for me to worry but at the same time, maybe not cause we’re kinda friends now. We text a lot, but we didn’t text today or yesterday… Maybe he’s avoiding me. Ugh.
4:30 PM
“Niall, do you think I’m ugly?” I asked bluntly, looking over at Niall who was sitting on his bed looking innocent.
“What?”
“Do you think I’m ugly?” I repeated.
“No. Course not.”
I’m not sure if I should believe him.
8:46 PM
Texted Harry, he’s all good! Said he was sick yesterday and slept a lot. Told him I hope he feels better so we can see each other soon, he said he was feeling somewhat better and we’ll hang out tomorrow. I’m excited!
Calorie Intake: 490
Weight: 120 (got my scale back… didn’t lose, didn’t gain. not sure how to feel.)
10/12 – 7:47 AM
Niall sighed and rolled his eyes at me, “Louis, you’re using the scale again?”
“Just last night,” I muttered, feeling a bit of shame for once.
“Don’t you want to get better? If not for you, what about for Harry. You like him, don’t you?”
“How’d you know?”
“It’s bloody obvious, mate,” Niall couldn’t hold back a cheeky grin, which made me want to grin but I wanted to act upset, because I kind of was.
“How would Harry ever like me back if I don’t weigh a hundred pounds?”
“I didn’t want to say this, but… How could anyone like you at a hundred pounds? That’s terrible, mate, I’m sorry. You have got to stop losing.”
I honestly don’t understand why Niall cares so much. He always has and it’s confusing. He says he doesn’t understand why I do what I do, but he still cares.
Niall’s words have been replaying in my head since he said them.
3:46 PM
Just arrived at Starbucks, waiting for Harry! I ordered a piece of cake with nobody bribing me or pressuring me. Not sure if I’ll eat it and if I do I’m not sure I’ll finish it. It’s looking really good though.
3:50 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘You’re looking really good. Always x’
xx (still wondering who you are…..)
5:56 PM
I nearly finished the piece of cake. I felt really anxious after I ate it and I went to the bathroom to purge, but I didn’t. I feel kinda guilty about not purging… That’s not normal, huh? Ugh.
Harry and I talked for a while. We really got to know each other more. He told me about his family, his favorite bands (I was right, he does have good music taste!) his favorite movies, and some other stuff. He was really interesting and he smelled really good and damn he’s gorgeous! I can’t stand it. I of course told him some stuff about me but he was probably bored of me. I wish I could be interesting.
6:03 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘If Harry was uninterested in you, he probably wouldn’t talk to you… Don’t put yourself down, lovely.’
I don’t know about that, anon…
10:46 PM
Calorie Intake: I didn’t count today. Wish I wasn’t feeling guilty about it. Niall says he’s proud.
Weight: 120
10/13 – 10:13 AM
“Counting calories today, Lou?” Niall asked when he saw me studying the box of cereal.
“Not sure,” I said honestly, taking a mental note of what the calories were.
And I’m really not sure if I wanna count today. Well, of course I do, but Niall keeps talking to me about recovery, and that anonymous person seems to be encouraging me to recover, and a little voice inside my head is telling me to recover… I just don’t know what to do.
2:00 PM
Been in bed all day. Niall wants to take me out for dinner. I guess I’ll go. Gotta eat something.
2:05 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Glad you’re eating. Stay strong. x’
Thanks xx
6:36 PM
Harry texted me first! That makes me sooo happy. He invited me to hang out with him and Liam tomorrow, we’re gonna go to the movies, I’m excited!
11:00 PM
Calorie Intake: 550 (more than I have in a while..)
Weight: 121 (this scares me… but I wish it wouldn’t.)
10/14 – 6:30 AM
“Didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?” Niall asked when he sat up in bed and grabbed his laptop.
I sighed, “No.”
“Thought I heard you rolling around in bed over there,” Niall chuckled, “Were you dreaming about Harry?”
I flipped him off and chuckled, “No. I gained a pound when I weighed myself last night. It was keeping me awake because I kept thinking, get out of bed right now and go purge.”
“You didn’t, did you?”
“No.”
“Good, mate. Weight gain is a part of recovery.”
I sighed again, running a hand through my hair, “But do I really want to recover?”
Niall shrugged, “S’up to you.”
And it really is. I shouldn’t let anyone influence my decisions. But I think I am. I keep thinking of what Niall said the other day about how could anyone like me when I’m extremely thin. Who could like a skeleton? My bones so fragile…
“I just want to be perfect,” I muttered.
Niall didn’t have a response.
8:30 AM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Perfection isn’t determined by how much you weigh. Nobody is
even perfect anyway.’
9:46 PM
Harry hugged me today. He hugged me goodbye after he walked me back to my dorm. It was just me and him, Liam went back to their dorm first. It felt so nice to walk with Harry, the only light being the moon and the stars. I wish he could like me back. Feeling his arms wrapped around me was heaven. He was warm. And he smelled really good, but he always does. I’m gonna text him until I fall asleep now (I hope).
Calorie Intake: didn’t count!
Weight: 121
10/18 – 3:03 PM
I’ve been bouncing back and forth between not counting calories, and counting the past few days. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know if I want to recover, it’ll be hell. But honestly, this eating disorder is hell, too. Recovery may be hard but it’s not impossible. Ugh.
8:56 PM
HARRY. STYLES. JUST. ASKED. ME. OUT. ON. A. DATE. WHY?! I’m SO thankful of course, but why me?! I don’t understand at all! He’s so gorgeous and I’m… Me.
We’re doing a classic dinner and a movie. He was so nervous when he asked me, it was so cute! We were taking a walk along campus, drinking tea and we stopped and sat by the water fountain.
He turned to me and smiled with his gorgeous dimples appearing and asked, “Would you wanna, uhm, go on a date sometime?”
I was completely taken by surprise! I almost blushed, I smiled really big and said, “Of course, yeah!”
It’s just crossed my mind now though that it’s dinner and a movie… Dinner. I haven’t eaten at a restaurant in a while. I kind of hate eating in front of people. The thought really didn’t cross my mind at first, because I was so shocked and excited. But I’ve been doing good lately, kinda. So I should be okay, yeah?
Our dates tomorrow night, I hope everything goes great.
Calorie Intake: 500 (which was more than I was suppose to… But fuck this skinny girl diet, yeah?)
Weight: Didn’t weigh myself.
10/19 - 10:00 AM
Date with Harry tonight!! So nervous, so scared, so excited... So many emotions!
1:27 PM
"So, you're going to eat tonight on your date, right?"
I rolled my eyes at Niall when he asked me that, "Of course I am. I wouldn't just go out on a date, with a really cute guy who actually asked me, and not eat."
"Are you gonna keep it down?"
That would be the tricky part, I will admit. "I'm going to try," I answered truthfully.
Niall half smiled, "Alright, mate."
I really don't know much right now. It's like I'm stuck in the middle of this disorder and recovery. I just don't know which one to chose. I've only eaten once today, and I haven't
counted those calories, so I hope that I won't feel the need to start counting later.
1:43 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Proud of you for not weighing yourself last night, and for not counting today! Stay strong xx'
Thank you xx
10:55 PM
Tonight. Was. Wonderful.
Harry came by to pick me up and we walked to a restaurant on campus. He seemed a bit nervous while we were walking, and I of course was too nervous. He stuttered a bit and
kept saying "uhm" and it was really cute.
When we got there, it took me forever to decide what to eat. I felt beyond embarrassed because he decided so quickly and I wished it was that easy for me. I ended up getting
the same thing he did.
It was so awkward eating out in public and especially in front of someone you like. I pushed my food around my plate at first and I felt like he was staring at me a bit. I didn't finish
everything, but I finished most of it (proud of myself for that!).
We talked a lot, more than we ever have. We talked about random things and facts about ourselves. He was very interesting, and very cute of course. By the time we finished our
food, we had missed half of the movie.
"I'm so sorry I took so long to decide what I wanted and to eat," I frowned, feeling guilty.
"It's perfectly fine, Lou!" He said and butterflies filled my stomach. Lou, thats so cute!
So we walked around campus and talked more. It was honestly by far the best date I've ever been on. (Though the laying under the stars and listening to music still sounds perfect,
this date was really nice.)
I hope we do it again. (With less nervousness.)
11:30 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Glad you had fun.'
Me too.
11:35 PM
Daily Intake: Didn't count. :)
Weight: 121 (...sorry, i had to weigh myself:/)
10/20 - 12:20 PM
It felt so nice to sleep in.
It's Saturday, wonder if I'll do anything today... Maybe I'll text Harry. Feeling a little anxious, though.
2:33 PM
Niall says he wants some ice cream, so I think I'm gonna get some. I haven't eaten ice cream in months, it's one of my fear foods. But, idk, I'm feeling a bit optimistic :)
Harry texted a few minutes ago, it made me happy!
10:45 PM
Had ice cream. I got a mini size and I actually finished it! It was really good.
Goin to bed early (I know, so lame.)
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh.
- I did good today!!
10:57 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'You did very good! So proud xx keep it up.'
I'll try. xx
10/21 - 7:57 PM
Niall was sick today, so I walked to the Starbucks to get some drinks for us, and I ran into Harry.
"If you're not too busy taking care of Niall, would you want to hang around my room for a bit?"
Harry asked while he was standing with me, sipping his drink while I waited for
mine. "Liam's not there today, he went to hang out with our friend Zayn."
I smiled and immediately nodded, "Of course, yeah."
Harry and I walked back to my room so I can drop off Niall's drink.
"I'm going to Harry's place for a bit, will you be okay?" I asked, hoping he would be.
He chuckled at me and rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'll be fine. Have fun."
Harry's place is very comfortable. I could definitely see myself rooming with him. (I hope that doesn't sound creepy.) His rooms clean, but not too clean. More like organized, very
nicely. The temperatures just right, not too cold like Niall makes our room.
I sat on the chair by the desk at first, but then Harry told me I could move to his bed with him because he knows the chair isn't that comfortable. So, I got on the bed with him.
We weren't super close or anything, at first. We were just scrolling on our phones, showing each other funny pictures and talking a bit. We talked about what we did yesterday. And
he said he and I should get ice cream sometime, which sounds wonderful.
At some point, we had gotten closer. We were side by side, and he was staring at me.
I was smiling, "Are you staring, Styles?"
He looked away, and I think I saw him starting to blush, "S-sorry, I just... It's just, you- nevermind."
"Oh, no, don't do that!"
"Do what?!"
"Start saying something and say nevermind," I rolled my eyes, "That bugs me so much! What were you going to say?"
He looked at me again, "You have pretty eyes."
I started to blush, too, "Well, thanks. You do, too."
I'm not sure who leaned in first. I think it was kind of mutual. But, we kissed. And it was nice. I got butterflies quickly, and I almost pulled away because I got nervous. We were
both blushing when we pulled away. We were also both smiling. I'd never felt more comfortable with someone as I did with him in that moment.
I didn't get to stick around to see if anything more was going to happen (not anything dirty, i honestly just wanted to cuddle..) because Niall texted and told me to bring him
food.
I sighed softly when I read his text, "I have to go, Niall needs me."
Harry smiled, "Okay, text me, alright?"
"Definitely." I really wanted to kiss him goodbye. I hesitated, really thought about just leaving, but when I got up from the bed I turned back to him, and placed a quick peck on
his pink lips.
He was still smiling, "Bye, Lou."
"Bye."
11:12 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count
Weight: Didn't weigh
10/22 - 11:49 PM
Purged. I feel like a failure.. I told Niall, because I felt so guilty and he says that it's okay because everybody slips up. It's my dumbass fault though, because I counted calories
today and when I hit 600 I just had to get whatever I could out of me. I'm mad at myself now.
Gonna go to bed.
Calorie Intake: Ugh.
Weight: 122 (gained a pound... *sigh*)
11:56 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Niall's right, everyone does slip up. Tomorrow's a new day, try your best. :) xx'
Thanks, anon.. x
10/22 - 9:47 AM
Didn't go to classes today... I feel sick, and I'm not sure if it's actual sickness or just anxiety. I feel so disgusting because I purged yesterday.
I do want to eat today because once you relapse, you're just supposed to start over, but I don't know if I can. Gonna try my best, though.
3:33 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Hope you're doing alright, love. Feel better x'
You're really sweet. x
8:50 PM
My phone woke me up from a nap. I don't even remember when I fell asleep. I was half asleep when I answered, "Hello?"
As soon as I heard Harry's voice, I sat up, "Hey, Lou."
"Oh, hey, Harry, what's up?"
"Was just ringing you to see if you're alright, you weren't in class today."
I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "Uhm, yeah, wasn't feeling too good this morning."
"Oh, alright," Harry paused and then admitted quietly, "I missed you."
That made me smile. It was the first time in about 24 hours I felt happy, "You did?"
"Yep."
"I missed you too."
He chuckled softly, "D'you think you're going to feel better on Friday?"
I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me, "Yeah, definitely. I'm feeling a little better now."
"Thats good." I pictured Harry smiling, and his adorable dimples, "So would you want to hang out again on Friday?"
"Yeah!" I exclaimed, hoping I didn't sound too eager.
"Cool. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'll be in class."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye, Harry."
11:13 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count, I guess thats good? But it probably wasn't a lot... I didn't eat much today. :/
Weight: 122
10/23 - 9:00 PM
Today was better than yesterday, I'm thankful for that. Talking to Niall was a bit helpful, and Harry's hug, and peck on the cheek was really nice, too.
11:44 PM
Harry just surprised me with ice cream! It was so good. I actually ate it all (and I may be having a little panic attack right now because I want to purge. But I'm trying to ignore the urges).
We ate our ice cream and watched some TV.
It was a nice little surprise.
We kissed before he left. It was comforting. We were hugging at first, I had my arms wrapped around his neck and he was holding my hips. When we pulled apart from our hug, we both leaned in and our lips crashed together. We had gently rested our foreheads together when the kiss broke, and he gave me a small peck before smiling big and saying goodbye.
I'm excited for our date on Friday. He hasn't said anything about it again so I'm hoping he didn't forget, but something optimistic in me knows he didn't.
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh. :)
10/25 - 7:25 PM
Went out to dinner with Niall. It was so yummy. I ate things I haven't eaten in a while, and honestly, I don't know how I ever went without them, it was all so good.
Niall told me multiple times he's proud I didn't count calories or weigh myself yesterday, the day before and haven't yet today! I'm proud of myself, too.
Harry and I have been texting all day. He's saying he's excited for our date tomorrow, and I am, too! I keep asking what we're doing and where we're going but he says it's a surprise, so he won't tell me.
I think I'm more excited than nervous, for once. :)
11:30 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh.
10/26 - 7:37 AM
Have I mentioned how much I hate mornings?
8:27 AM
Harry's teasing me because he knows what we're doing tonight and I don't! No fair. :(
1:00 AM
Harry came and picked me up at my dorm. I had a few ideas running through my mind but no one them involved driving somewhere. I didn't even know Harry had a car. He does, though, and we got into his car and started to drive.
"Will you tell me where we're going now?" I asked, after we were on the road for about ten minutes.
Harry shook his head, "Nope. I'm actually going to make you put on a blindfold."
I looked over at him and stared. He glanced at me, then back at the rode. "You're what?"
"Yep. It's under your seat."
I fished my hand under the seat until I felt something and pulled out a red piece of fabric. I stared at Harry again and he laughed at me.
"Go on, put it on."
I sighed, smiled and started to put it on, "I really have no idea what you're up to, Styles."
"Good," I could tell he was smirking even though I couldn't see him anymore.
We drove, mostly in silence for another 20 minutes.
I honestly was getting impatient. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't see.
"Harry," I groaned.
"Louis," He mocked.
I had to chuckle at that, "Are we close to wherever the hell we're going?"
Then, I felt the car slow down, and then stop.
"We're here!" He sang.
I reached to take off my blindfold, then he said, "Wait! Don't take it off yet."
I sighed and groaned again, but then I felt bad for getting impatient.
"Just give me, like, two minutes." He said and I heard his door open and close. I got nervous.
"You're not gonna stab me and leave me somewhere, are you?"
He laughed loudly, "No!"
From what I could hear, he opened the trunk, took something out then closed the trunk. Then there wasn't much noise except some rustles but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Then, my door opened. I looked to the side though I couldn't see anything. "Harry?"
"Who else?!" He laughed.
I smirked at him, "Hush. Can I take this damn thing off now?"
"In a minute," Then I felt his hand grabbing mine, it made me twitch because I wasn't expecting it.
"Get out of the car, be careful."
I followed his orders, and walked with him. He led me a few steps away from the car and told me to sit. I sat, feeling a blanket under me, and waited for him to tell me what to do next.
Then, I heard The Fray starting to play, loudly. I smiled, their music always makes me smile.
He sat down next to me, I could tell because I felt his hand on my knee. "Take off your blindfold."
I slowly took off the blindfold, and was mesmirized. We were surrounded by trees, but not too
many. I looked up at the sky and it was lit up with stars. And the music was playing and it was amazing.
I stared at him, "Y-you... H-how, why?" I was confused... But happy.
He smiled at me, "You like it right?"
"Like it? Harry, I love it, it's perfect... It's... wow."
I kept wondering how he knew this was everything I wanted. How could he even know?
Unless... But no, he couldn't be, could he?
"D-did you... Were you, uhm-"
"The anonymous person on your blog?" He completed my sentence and I nodded, speechless.
"Yeah. I read your post about the music and being under the stars. It sounded like a perfect idea."
I didn't know how to react to all this. I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He knows everything. He knew everything, the whole time. I should be mad, shouldn't I? I feel like something in me isn't mad but a little upset.
"You know everything," I muttered.
"I do," Harry said, and grabbed my hand again, "But I want you to know that I'm proud of you for trying your best at recovery, and I'm here. If you want me to be."
I immediately hugged him. I couldn't be upset. "Thank you so much. Thank you."
He hugged me tightly, but not too tight. "You're welcome."
I pulled out of the hug, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. It was a bit rough, I quickly let my tongue slip into his mouth. We kissed for a while and it felt nice.
We were both smiling when the kiss broke.
"Lay down," He whispered.
So I did, and he lay next to me.
Then The Script started playing, and he put his arm around me and we cuddled, I nuzzled my
head into his neck. He was warm, and I really hoped he didn't mind that I was a bit cold.
He started to sing and I giggled. He's a really good singer.
It was all so amazing.
"I wish we could stay here all night," I confessed in a whisper.
"Well, why not?"
I hesitated, "Uhm, bugs. And wild animals."
He chuckled, "Well, yeah I guess."
So we stayed like we were for a while. Talked, sung along to the music, cuddled, kissed. It was
everything I ever dreamed of.
I just got back to my room. I know he went back to his and is probably waiting to see this post. (I had to tease him after he teased me with his big surprise!)
Well, Harry, I had an amazing time tonight. I loved every moment of it. You are perfect, I hope you know that. So, yes. I will be your boyfriend. See you tomorrow, love?
xx
Mondays are the worst, though I’m sure everyone thinks that. I’ve been in school for about a month now, and I already want it to be summer again; mostly because I just want to sleep in (or sleep forever) but a bit because a lot of the people in my classes are annoying. Don’t get me wrong, there are a few cute guys, but none of them would even notice me. I don’t blame them though, I’m too fat to be noticed. I don’t deserve anyone until I reach 100lbs. Only 25 to go, ugh. I started the skinny girl diet today, I really hope it works. (Why isn’t there a skinny guy diet? Guys have ED’s, too!)
Calorie Intake: 400
Weight: 125
10/2 – 6:16 AM
I’m so fucking tiiiired.
7:00 AM
Niall (my roommate) just told me I’m looking skinnier; he didn’t mean it as a compliment, but it made me so happy!
“Louis, I thought you were recovering,” I could hear the sadness in his voice.
“I will,” I shrugged, “I just need to lose twenty five more pounds.”
He stared at me for a while before mumbling something about not understanding me. He doesn’t have to understand, though, and he probably never would, he eats whatever he wants and stays skinny! Some days, I wish I could be him.
8:00 PM
Harry Styles was staring at me in class today. Or at least, I think so. Ugh, he is gorgeous. Chocolate brown curls and green eyes to match. I think he’s the definition of perfect. I sound creepy now. 24lbs down and maybe I’ll talk to him.
Niall and his friend Zayn want to go get some drinks tonight, and Niall’s begging me to go. Whatever I drink, I’ll just have to purge. And I might have to do another workout.
Calorie Intake: 250
Weight: 124
8:11 PM
Anonymous asked a question: ‘You shouldn’t let others encourage how you feel about yourself/your weight; if whoever is a good person, they’d care for you/love you at any weight. You’re gorgeous. xx’
You’re probably lying, but.. Thanks. x
10/5 – 10:20 PM
Sorry I haven’t been on the past few days. Not a lot has been happening.
Harry talked to me yesterday. Kind of.
“Hey, Louis, I like your shirt,” Harry said when I walked into the classroom. I was wearing my black The Script shirt that had their faces on it.
I smiled at him and muttered, “Thank you.”
10:43 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘You’re perfect the way you are, I hope you’ll see that one day. x’
I’m not perfect yet… I probably never will be. Thank you, though. x (who are you?)
11:20 PM
Even though I don’t deserve Harry yet, I hope maybe I’ll exchange a few words with him again on Monday.
Gonna go do some yoga now, then study, then sleep finally! Xx
Calorie Intake: 450
Weight: 120 (yay! only 20lbs to go!)
10/6 – 12:30 PM
I feel so fat right now! Dammit, Niall! Sometimes I fucking hate him. I have to go purge and workout now because he made me eat 150 cals for brunch! No, no, no.
12:35 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘I think Niall just cares about you… I do, too. You’re gorgeous, you don’t have to do this to yourself.’
…Who are you?! You really sound like Niall.
10:46 PM
I didn’t lose anything today. I’m so fucking mad! Fuck 650 calories, I have to fast tomorrow and exercise tons.
Calorie Intake: 450
Weight: ew
10/8 – 7:04 AM
Waaaay too early…
4:00 PM
Harry told me he liked my shirt again today! It was my The Fray shirt. He must have good music taste. I like to imagine listening to these bands on a blanket under the stars with him.. Okay, that’s probably creepy. Why must I crush on guys I barely know? It’s his fault for being so damn cute, though.
4:22 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Harry’s a lucky guy! You should talk to him, he may like you back… You never know. x’
Ha! Like me?! My fat ass?! Funny, anon.
4:26 PM
Anonymous sent a message: I’m being serious… You’re gorgeous and lovely the way you are.
Who are you?!?!?!?
11:56 PM
“Niall, where’s the scale?” I asked, almost frantic; it wasn’t in the spot in the closet where I normally keep it, and I know I didn’t move it.
“Louis, you’re getting sickly underweight,” Niall said, looking more serious than ever before, “I had to… Take it away from you.”
“Take it away from me?!” I suddenly became furious, “You went into my fucking things?!”
“It’s for your own good.”
“My own good,” I snorted, getting closer to him; I wanted to hit him or push him or something!
“Niall, you’re not my fucking mother.”
“No, I’m not,” He crossed his arms, “But maybe I should call your mother and let her know what’s going on.”
“I won’t ever talk to you again,” I threatened, though I knew he probably wouldn’t care.
“I’d rather have you alive and not talking to me than dead.”
I sighed, “Okay. Okay, if I’m gonna get better, I need the scale to see if I’m gaining weight.”
“We can do a blind weight then. You’ll get on the scale backwards and I’ll check your weight.”
I rolled my eyes, “You’re not a fucking doctor! Fuck you, Niall!” I nearly screamed, then left our room, slamming the door.
I walked across campus for a bit. I don’t know why I left, where was I going to go? I wasn’t that close with Zayn, so it’d be weird if I showed up at his dorm and asked to stay there. He’d probably be sucking face with his girlfriend, Perrie, anyway.
I kept walking until I heard a familiar voice behind me; I then turned around and there he was: Harry Styles. (With another guy, of course.)
“Louis!” Harry smiled. I nearly died when those dimples appeared on his face. “I thought that was you!”
I chuckled, “What are you doing out here?”
“Just taking a walk, this is my roommate, Liam. Liam, this is Louis,” I have to admit I was a bit relieved when he said Liam was just his roommate.
Liam smiled and waved, “Hey, mate.”
“Hi,” I said.
“You busy?” Harry asked.
“No,” I shrugged.
“Wanna walk with us? We’re gonna get some Starbucks.”
Yes. Of course I did. But at the same time, of course not. He was probably only offering because I was alone and looked pathetic. I said yes anyway, and walked with them.
Harry asked why I was out alone and I told him I fought with Niall. He asked about what but I said it was nothing important. Liam was really nice, too. (And a bit cute, but nobody compared to Harry.)
When we got to Starbucks, they ended up also getting dessert. Everything looked so good! And Harry offered to buy. So I got dessert, and I felt disgusting. Then I purged, and I felt disgusting. I just can’t win.
I’m back at the room now, and Niall’s sleeping. I’m sure the scale is under the bed (mates never really been good at hiding anything..) but I won’t bother tonight! My fat ass probably gained, and I don’t really want to see that. Ugh.
Calorie Intake: Who knows :/
Weight: ?? Sigh.
10/9 – 7:30 AM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Before you love someone, you must love yourself.’
5:37 PM
Harry invited me to lunch today. He said he had fun with me and Liam last night; it made me happy. We talked, exchanged numbers; it was perfect. Of course I didn’t want to eat, though, but I did. I’ve kept it down so far.
Niall bugged me about recovery again today. I have to admit sometimes I think about it. It’d be nice to eat and keep it down. It’d be nice to eat more than 500 calories a day. It’d be healthy. But, I just don’t think I can, yet.
5:55 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Nobody can force you into recovery. You do it when you’re ready. Just remember, you’ll always be beautiful. xx’
Thank you x
7:13 PM
Niall’s out tonight with Zayn, I’m here alone… Bored. I wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. Friends, y'know? Ones that don’t judge. I could only dream…
8:18 PM
Niall just texted and asked if I wanted him to bring home any food. I said no, after a lot of hesitation. I have a feeling he’ll bring me some anyway.
8:30 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Stay strong, gorgeous. x’
Love you xxx
11:38 PM
I ate half of what Niall brought me. I feel a little sick. Might purge. Definitely gonna do a little working out… Ugh.
Calorie Intake: More than I was supposed to. :/
Weight: Still didn’t get the scale..
10/11 – 4:07 PM
Didn’t see Harry yesterday or today… Hope he’s okay. It’s probably dumb for me to worry but at the same time, maybe not cause we’re kinda friends now. We text a lot, but we didn’t text today or yesterday… Maybe he’s avoiding me. Ugh.
4:30 PM
“Niall, do you think I’m ugly?” I asked bluntly, looking over at Niall who was sitting on his bed looking innocent.
“What?”
“Do you think I’m ugly?” I repeated.
“No. Course not.”
I’m not sure if I should believe him.
8:46 PM
Texted Harry, he’s all good! Said he was sick yesterday and slept a lot. Told him I hope he feels better so we can see each other soon, he said he was feeling somewhat better and we’ll hang out tomorrow. I’m excited!
Calorie Intake: 490
Weight: 120 (got my scale back… didn’t lose, didn’t gain. not sure how to feel.)
10/12 – 7:47 AM
Niall sighed and rolled his eyes at me, “Louis, you’re using the scale again?”
“Just last night,” I muttered, feeling a bit of shame for once.
“Don’t you want to get better? If not for you, what about for Harry. You like him, don’t you?”
“How’d you know?”
“It’s bloody obvious, mate,” Niall couldn’t hold back a cheeky grin, which made me want to grin but I wanted to act upset, because I kind of was.
“How would Harry ever like me back if I don’t weigh a hundred pounds?”
“I didn’t want to say this, but… How could anyone like you at a hundred pounds? That’s terrible, mate, I’m sorry. You have got to stop losing.”
I honestly don’t understand why Niall cares so much. He always has and it’s confusing. He says he doesn’t understand why I do what I do, but he still cares.
Niall’s words have been replaying in my head since he said them.
3:46 PM
Just arrived at Starbucks, waiting for Harry! I ordered a piece of cake with nobody bribing me or pressuring me. Not sure if I’ll eat it and if I do I’m not sure I’ll finish it. It’s looking really good though.
3:50 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘You’re looking really good. Always x’
xx (still wondering who you are…..)
5:56 PM
I nearly finished the piece of cake. I felt really anxious after I ate it and I went to the bathroom to purge, but I didn’t. I feel kinda guilty about not purging… That’s not normal, huh? Ugh.
Harry and I talked for a while. We really got to know each other more. He told me about his family, his favorite bands (I was right, he does have good music taste!) his favorite movies, and some other stuff. He was really interesting and he smelled really good and damn he’s gorgeous! I can’t stand it. I of course told him some stuff about me but he was probably bored of me. I wish I could be interesting.
6:03 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘If Harry was uninterested in you, he probably wouldn’t talk to you… Don’t put yourself down, lovely.’
I don’t know about that, anon…
10:46 PM
Calorie Intake: I didn’t count today. Wish I wasn’t feeling guilty about it. Niall says he’s proud.
Weight: 120
10/13 – 10:13 AM
“Counting calories today, Lou?” Niall asked when he saw me studying the box of cereal.
“Not sure,” I said honestly, taking a mental note of what the calories were.
And I’m really not sure if I wanna count today. Well, of course I do, but Niall keeps talking to me about recovery, and that anonymous person seems to be encouraging me to recover, and a little voice inside my head is telling me to recover… I just don’t know what to do.
2:00 PM
Been in bed all day. Niall wants to take me out for dinner. I guess I’ll go. Gotta eat something.
2:05 PM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Glad you’re eating. Stay strong. x’
Thanks xx
6:36 PM
Harry texted me first! That makes me sooo happy. He invited me to hang out with him and Liam tomorrow, we’re gonna go to the movies, I’m excited!
11:00 PM
Calorie Intake: 550 (more than I have in a while..)
Weight: 121 (this scares me… but I wish it wouldn’t.)
10/14 – 6:30 AM
“Didn’t get much sleep last night, did you?” Niall asked when he sat up in bed and grabbed his laptop.
I sighed, “No.”
“Thought I heard you rolling around in bed over there,” Niall chuckled, “Were you dreaming about Harry?”
I flipped him off and chuckled, “No. I gained a pound when I weighed myself last night. It was keeping me awake because I kept thinking, get out of bed right now and go purge.”
“You didn’t, did you?”
“No.”
“Good, mate. Weight gain is a part of recovery.”
I sighed again, running a hand through my hair, “But do I really want to recover?”
Niall shrugged, “S’up to you.”
And it really is. I shouldn’t let anyone influence my decisions. But I think I am. I keep thinking of what Niall said the other day about how could anyone like me when I’m extremely thin. Who could like a skeleton? My bones so fragile…
“I just want to be perfect,” I muttered.
Niall didn’t have a response.
8:30 AM
Anonymous sent a message: ‘Perfection isn’t determined by how much you weigh. Nobody is
even perfect anyway.’
9:46 PM
Harry hugged me today. He hugged me goodbye after he walked me back to my dorm. It was just me and him, Liam went back to their dorm first. It felt so nice to walk with Harry, the only light being the moon and the stars. I wish he could like me back. Feeling his arms wrapped around me was heaven. He was warm. And he smelled really good, but he always does. I’m gonna text him until I fall asleep now (I hope).
Calorie Intake: didn’t count!
Weight: 121
10/18 – 3:03 PM
I’ve been bouncing back and forth between not counting calories, and counting the past few days. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I know if I want to recover, it’ll be hell. But honestly, this eating disorder is hell, too. Recovery may be hard but it’s not impossible. Ugh.
8:56 PM
HARRY. STYLES. JUST. ASKED. ME. OUT. ON. A. DATE. WHY?! I’m SO thankful of course, but why me?! I don’t understand at all! He’s so gorgeous and I’m… Me.
We’re doing a classic dinner and a movie. He was so nervous when he asked me, it was so cute! We were taking a walk along campus, drinking tea and we stopped and sat by the water fountain.
He turned to me and smiled with his gorgeous dimples appearing and asked, “Would you wanna, uhm, go on a date sometime?”
I was completely taken by surprise! I almost blushed, I smiled really big and said, “Of course, yeah!”
It’s just crossed my mind now though that it’s dinner and a movie… Dinner. I haven’t eaten at a restaurant in a while. I kind of hate eating in front of people. The thought really didn’t cross my mind at first, because I was so shocked and excited. But I’ve been doing good lately, kinda. So I should be okay, yeah?
Our dates tomorrow night, I hope everything goes great.
Calorie Intake: 500 (which was more than I was suppose to… But fuck this skinny girl diet, yeah?)
Weight: Didn’t weigh myself.
10/19 - 10:00 AM
Date with Harry tonight!! So nervous, so scared, so excited... So many emotions!
1:27 PM
"So, you're going to eat tonight on your date, right?"
I rolled my eyes at Niall when he asked me that, "Of course I am. I wouldn't just go out on a date, with a really cute guy who actually asked me, and not eat."
"Are you gonna keep it down?"
That would be the tricky part, I will admit. "I'm going to try," I answered truthfully.
Niall half smiled, "Alright, mate."
I really don't know much right now. It's like I'm stuck in the middle of this disorder and recovery. I just don't know which one to chose. I've only eaten once today, and I haven't
counted those calories, so I hope that I won't feel the need to start counting later.
1:43 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Proud of you for not weighing yourself last night, and for not counting today! Stay strong xx'
Thank you xx
10:55 PM
Tonight. Was. Wonderful.
Harry came by to pick me up and we walked to a restaurant on campus. He seemed a bit nervous while we were walking, and I of course was too nervous. He stuttered a bit and
kept saying "uhm" and it was really cute.
When we got there, it took me forever to decide what to eat. I felt beyond embarrassed because he decided so quickly and I wished it was that easy for me. I ended up getting
the same thing he did.
It was so awkward eating out in public and especially in front of someone you like. I pushed my food around my plate at first and I felt like he was staring at me a bit. I didn't finish
everything, but I finished most of it (proud of myself for that!).
We talked a lot, more than we ever have. We talked about random things and facts about ourselves. He was very interesting, and very cute of course. By the time we finished our
food, we had missed half of the movie.
"I'm so sorry I took so long to decide what I wanted and to eat," I frowned, feeling guilty.
"It's perfectly fine, Lou!" He said and butterflies filled my stomach. Lou, thats so cute!
So we walked around campus and talked more. It was honestly by far the best date I've ever been on. (Though the laying under the stars and listening to music still sounds perfect,
this date was really nice.)
I hope we do it again. (With less nervousness.)
11:30 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Glad you had fun.'
Me too.
11:35 PM
Daily Intake: Didn't count. :)
Weight: 121 (...sorry, i had to weigh myself:/)
10/20 - 12:20 PM
It felt so nice to sleep in.
It's Saturday, wonder if I'll do anything today... Maybe I'll text Harry. Feeling a little anxious, though.
2:33 PM
Niall says he wants some ice cream, so I think I'm gonna get some. I haven't eaten ice cream in months, it's one of my fear foods. But, idk, I'm feeling a bit optimistic :)
Harry texted a few minutes ago, it made me happy!
10:45 PM
Had ice cream. I got a mini size and I actually finished it! It was really good.
Goin to bed early (I know, so lame.)
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh.
- I did good today!!
10:57 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'You did very good! So proud xx keep it up.'
I'll try. xx
10/21 - 7:57 PM
Niall was sick today, so I walked to the Starbucks to get some drinks for us, and I ran into Harry.
"If you're not too busy taking care of Niall, would you want to hang around my room for a bit?"
Harry asked while he was standing with me, sipping his drink while I waited for
mine. "Liam's not there today, he went to hang out with our friend Zayn."
I smiled and immediately nodded, "Of course, yeah."
Harry and I walked back to my room so I can drop off Niall's drink.
"I'm going to Harry's place for a bit, will you be okay?" I asked, hoping he would be.
He chuckled at me and rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I'll be fine. Have fun."
Harry's place is very comfortable. I could definitely see myself rooming with him. (I hope that doesn't sound creepy.) His rooms clean, but not too clean. More like organized, very
nicely. The temperatures just right, not too cold like Niall makes our room.
I sat on the chair by the desk at first, but then Harry told me I could move to his bed with him because he knows the chair isn't that comfortable. So, I got on the bed with him.
We weren't super close or anything, at first. We were just scrolling on our phones, showing each other funny pictures and talking a bit. We talked about what we did yesterday. And
he said he and I should get ice cream sometime, which sounds wonderful.
At some point, we had gotten closer. We were side by side, and he was staring at me.
I was smiling, "Are you staring, Styles?"
He looked away, and I think I saw him starting to blush, "S-sorry, I just... It's just, you- nevermind."
"Oh, no, don't do that!"
"Do what?!"
"Start saying something and say nevermind," I rolled my eyes, "That bugs me so much! What were you going to say?"
He looked at me again, "You have pretty eyes."
I started to blush, too, "Well, thanks. You do, too."
I'm not sure who leaned in first. I think it was kind of mutual. But, we kissed. And it was nice. I got butterflies quickly, and I almost pulled away because I got nervous. We were
both blushing when we pulled away. We were also both smiling. I'd never felt more comfortable with someone as I did with him in that moment.
I didn't get to stick around to see if anything more was going to happen (not anything dirty, i honestly just wanted to cuddle..) because Niall texted and told me to bring him
food.
I sighed softly when I read his text, "I have to go, Niall needs me."
Harry smiled, "Okay, text me, alright?"
"Definitely." I really wanted to kiss him goodbye. I hesitated, really thought about just leaving, but when I got up from the bed I turned back to him, and placed a quick peck on
his pink lips.
He was still smiling, "Bye, Lou."
"Bye."
11:12 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count
Weight: Didn't weigh
10/22 - 11:49 PM
Purged. I feel like a failure.. I told Niall, because I felt so guilty and he says that it's okay because everybody slips up. It's my dumbass fault though, because I counted calories
today and when I hit 600 I just had to get whatever I could out of me. I'm mad at myself now.
Gonna go to bed.
Calorie Intake: Ugh.
Weight: 122 (gained a pound... *sigh*)
11:56 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Niall's right, everyone does slip up. Tomorrow's a new day, try your best. :) xx'
Thanks, anon.. x
10/22 - 9:47 AM
Didn't go to classes today... I feel sick, and I'm not sure if it's actual sickness or just anxiety. I feel so disgusting because I purged yesterday.
I do want to eat today because once you relapse, you're just supposed to start over, but I don't know if I can. Gonna try my best, though.
3:33 PM
Anonymous sent a message: 'Hope you're doing alright, love. Feel better x'
You're really sweet. x
8:50 PM
My phone woke me up from a nap. I don't even remember when I fell asleep. I was half asleep when I answered, "Hello?"
As soon as I heard Harry's voice, I sat up, "Hey, Lou."
"Oh, hey, Harry, what's up?"
"Was just ringing you to see if you're alright, you weren't in class today."
I sighed, rubbing my eyes, "Uhm, yeah, wasn't feeling too good this morning."
"Oh, alright," Harry paused and then admitted quietly, "I missed you."
That made me smile. It was the first time in about 24 hours I felt happy, "You did?"
"Yep."
"I missed you too."
He chuckled softly, "D'you think you're going to feel better on Friday?"
I nodded, then remembered he couldn't see me, "Yeah, definitely. I'm feeling a little better now."
"Thats good." I pictured Harry smiling, and his adorable dimples, "So would you want to hang out again on Friday?"
"Yeah!" I exclaimed, hoping I didn't sound too eager.
"Cool. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I'll be in class."
"Alright. Bye."
"Bye, Harry."
11:13 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count, I guess thats good? But it probably wasn't a lot... I didn't eat much today. :/
Weight: 122
10/23 - 9:00 PM
Today was better than yesterday, I'm thankful for that. Talking to Niall was a bit helpful, and Harry's hug, and peck on the cheek was really nice, too.
11:44 PM
Harry just surprised me with ice cream! It was so good. I actually ate it all (and I may be having a little panic attack right now because I want to purge. But I'm trying to ignore the urges).
We ate our ice cream and watched some TV.
It was a nice little surprise.
We kissed before he left. It was comforting. We were hugging at first, I had my arms wrapped around his neck and he was holding my hips. When we pulled apart from our hug, we both leaned in and our lips crashed together. We had gently rested our foreheads together when the kiss broke, and he gave me a small peck before smiling big and saying goodbye.
I'm excited for our date on Friday. He hasn't said anything about it again so I'm hoping he didn't forget, but something optimistic in me knows he didn't.
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh. :)
10/25 - 7:25 PM
Went out to dinner with Niall. It was so yummy. I ate things I haven't eaten in a while, and honestly, I don't know how I ever went without them, it was all so good.
Niall told me multiple times he's proud I didn't count calories or weigh myself yesterday, the day before and haven't yet today! I'm proud of myself, too.
Harry and I have been texting all day. He's saying he's excited for our date tomorrow, and I am, too! I keep asking what we're doing and where we're going but he says it's a surprise, so he won't tell me.
I think I'm more excited than nervous, for once. :)
11:30 PM
Calorie Intake: Didn't count.
Weight: Didn't weigh.
10/26 - 7:37 AM
Have I mentioned how much I hate mornings?
8:27 AM
Harry's teasing me because he knows what we're doing tonight and I don't! No fair. :(
1:00 AM
Harry came and picked me up at my dorm. I had a few ideas running through my mind but no one them involved driving somewhere. I didn't even know Harry had a car. He does, though, and we got into his car and started to drive.
"Will you tell me where we're going now?" I asked, after we were on the road for about ten minutes.
Harry shook his head, "Nope. I'm actually going to make you put on a blindfold."
I looked over at him and stared. He glanced at me, then back at the rode. "You're what?"
"Yep. It's under your seat."
I fished my hand under the seat until I felt something and pulled out a red piece of fabric. I stared at Harry again and he laughed at me.
"Go on, put it on."
I sighed, smiled and started to put it on, "I really have no idea what you're up to, Styles."
"Good," I could tell he was smirking even though I couldn't see him anymore.
We drove, mostly in silence for another 20 minutes.
I honestly was getting impatient. I didn't like the fact that I couldn't see.
"Harry," I groaned.
"Louis," He mocked.
I had to chuckle at that, "Are we close to wherever the hell we're going?"
Then, I felt the car slow down, and then stop.
"We're here!" He sang.
I reached to take off my blindfold, then he said, "Wait! Don't take it off yet."
I sighed and groaned again, but then I felt bad for getting impatient.
"Just give me, like, two minutes." He said and I heard his door open and close. I got nervous.
"You're not gonna stab me and leave me somewhere, are you?"
He laughed loudly, "No!"
From what I could hear, he opened the trunk, took something out then closed the trunk. Then there wasn't much noise except some rustles but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Then, my door opened. I looked to the side though I couldn't see anything. "Harry?"
"Who else?!" He laughed.
I smirked at him, "Hush. Can I take this damn thing off now?"
"In a minute," Then I felt his hand grabbing mine, it made me twitch because I wasn't expecting it.
"Get out of the car, be careful."
I followed his orders, and walked with him. He led me a few steps away from the car and told me to sit. I sat, feeling a blanket under me, and waited for him to tell me what to do next.
Then, I heard The Fray starting to play, loudly. I smiled, their music always makes me smile.
He sat down next to me, I could tell because I felt his hand on my knee. "Take off your blindfold."
I slowly took off the blindfold, and was mesmirized. We were surrounded by trees, but not too
many. I looked up at the sky and it was lit up with stars. And the music was playing and it was amazing.
I stared at him, "Y-you... H-how, why?" I was confused... But happy.
He smiled at me, "You like it right?"
"Like it? Harry, I love it, it's perfect... It's... wow."
I kept wondering how he knew this was everything I wanted. How could he even know?
Unless... But no, he couldn't be, could he?
"D-did you... Were you, uhm-"
"The anonymous person on your blog?" He completed my sentence and I nodded, speechless.
"Yeah. I read your post about the music and being under the stars. It sounded like a perfect idea."
I didn't know how to react to all this. I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He knows everything. He knew everything, the whole time. I should be mad, shouldn't I? I feel like something in me isn't mad but a little upset.
"You know everything," I muttered.
"I do," Harry said, and grabbed my hand again, "But I want you to know that I'm proud of you for trying your best at recovery, and I'm here. If you want me to be."
I immediately hugged him. I couldn't be upset. "Thank you so much. Thank you."
He hugged me tightly, but not too tight. "You're welcome."
I pulled out of the hug, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. It was a bit rough, I quickly let my tongue slip into his mouth. We kissed for a while and it felt nice.
We were both smiling when the kiss broke.
"Lay down," He whispered.
So I did, and he lay next to me.
Then The Script started playing, and he put his arm around me and we cuddled, I nuzzled my
head into his neck. He was warm, and I really hoped he didn't mind that I was a bit cold.
He started to sing and I giggled. He's a really good singer.
It was all so amazing.
"I wish we could stay here all night," I confessed in a whisper.
"Well, why not?"
I hesitated, "Uhm, bugs. And wild animals."
He chuckled, "Well, yeah I guess."
So we stayed like we were for a while. Talked, sung along to the music, cuddled, kissed. It was
everything I ever dreamed of.
I just got back to my room. I know he went back to his and is probably waiting to see this post. (I had to tease him after he teased me with his big surprise!)
Well, Harry, I had an amazing time tonight. I loved every moment of it. You are perfect, I hope you know that. So, yes. I will be your boyfriend. See you tomorrow, love?
xx
11/21/13