“Baby, I just ran out of band aids, I don’t even know where to start.
Cause you can’t bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart.”

Fix a Heart – Demi Lovato

Something about that night with Liam changed everything.

Maybe it was the way he found me in my most vulnerable, honest, point. Maybe it was the way he held me inside his arms, cuddled me, touched me just like a fragile possession he didn’t want to break. Maybe it was the way his hands traced circles in my skin that somehow soothed me and put me back to sleep. Maybe it was the way he sang me some lullaby, something I missed the most about him.

Or maybe it was his promise. That kind of reassurance I’ve waited someone to tell me after all this time I fight through the pain. How he promised he won’t let me go anymore and that told me he’d help me even if it was the last thing he’d do.

And even though I had a hard time believing with promises, I gave my trust back to my best friend. I fully believed him. I kept his promise in me that eventually, I’ll heal.

I guess it was what I needed –that feeling of being safe and sound. But maybe it was safer to say it was something I need so the next time I face my problems, I’ve somehow got some mended heart.

It was a lesson learned after all this time I was away.

I won’t go and face the fight without my defenses built up high and myself unguarded.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

I was told that Louis and Niall had gone home after the encounter (read: reunion no?) we had. They were supposed to stay for a couple of days with him. Liam said he missed them too, even if it’s only been four weeks since the last time they hang out. After three years of nonstop travelling with them, of course he’d grown very fond of those boys. It was some kind of brotherhood no one will understand unless you’re someone who’s seen it grow yourself.

Liam didn’t mean to shut them away. He was never the kind of person who’d do such thing because he’s scared he’ll lose friends he’s never had before. Thankfully, Louis and Niall understood. They left the following night, after spending a day out with Liam. I spend that day alone in the house, distracting myself by cleaning the house until there wasn’t a speck of dust anywhere and the whole thing was shining, shimmering, splendid.

It was just rather a bad timing. No, timing wasn’t the bitch. I am. Now that I was back in the picture, not that I did plan to show myself anyway, Liam’s attention was a bit torn –from his brothers & band, his career, and now again, with me.

Harry was the hardest to persuade to leave, another reason why I hid myself in the house. Liam found him waiting by my front porch the next day, very much eager to talk to me again. Liam tried all his might to ask him and just come with them since he knew I didn’t want to see Harry yet. But as stubborn as he’s always been, Harry told him he won’t leave his spot not until I go out and speak to him. Of course, a conversation between Harry and I didn’t happen that whole day. He got tried and left eventually.

When Mum came home, she handed me a piece of blood red rose with a note hanging on it. Said she found it lying on our doorstep. Something Harry left for me.

Seconds later, it was dumped on the trash bin. The note was unread.

And for the next five days, I had constantly received bouquets and bouquets of flowers of every kind with letters tucked on them. Letters with the same kind of parchment I recognized, with Harry’s neat cursives has written my name on it. All of it has gone the same way like the first red rose, all dumped and wasted on the bin.

On the sixth day, I have not received another one again.

I heard from Liam that Harry has finally decided to go home. And before he went away, Harry left Liam another letter for me. Only this time, Liam read it himself and he told me words I didn’t want to hear.

In the letter, Liam said, were written the words, ‘Whatever it takes, I will wait for you, Campbelle.’

----------(The Way We Are)----------

It has to be a dream. I knew I was just dreaming, but I was sure it has happened before. It was a memory already buried, left forgotten in the depths of my subconscious mind.

In my dream, I held Harry. We were slumped down the ground, his bloody fist tightened into a ball. I had him wrapped around with my trembling hands while as I felt his deep and shallow breaths against my neck and his salty tears dampening my skin. He hurt himself badly, proven to me by the wall that showed a prominent hole where his fist once was.

It was on that very night when the fight happened. When he told me he was starting to fall deeper for whatever the hell we’re doing but I shunned him. I told him I don’t feel anything for him. I told him I love Zayn.

Even if it was just a dream, I felt the heartache.

“Zayn…”

“Camp…”

“Camp, wake up…”

My eyes shot open, awoken by Liam gently shaking me with his worried eyes locked with mine. It was still dark outside and I was carefully tucked under him. His rough, calloused fingers ran across my cheeks and then through my hair. “You’re having a nightmare.”

I was careful to not show an emotion, but something was building up inside chest. Liam just called Harry and Zayn my nightmare –some kind of beautiful nightmare.

I cuddled into him further, clinging onto the warmth that I felt with his body against me. I nuzzled on his neck as Liam intertwined his legs with mine.

Liam has been spending the nights with me ever since that night. He’d sneak hours before midnight and cuddle me until I can fall asleep. I think Mum knew that we’re sleeping together; Liam and I have done countless of sleepovers before when we were younger, but I think sometimes she wants me to open to her, if we ever did something beyond sleeping, beyond what best friends shouldn’t be doing, which Liam and I still kept to ourselves. Mum knows I’m not a virgin anymore, but she didn’t know I lost it together with Liam when we were just sixteen. I reckon she believes my first time was with Zayn.

Mum tries her best not to ask whenever she gets the chance. Sometimes I could sense it in the worried stares she fends to me, like she knows things but she doesn’t want to completely know what they are until I’m ready to tell her. She knows it’s not the best topic to discuss at this point anyway, since it’s been the reason why my life’s too screwed as of the moment.

Yes, Liam is still included in this sinking ship, the S.S. Campbelle Brooks.

We haven’t done anything beyond sleeping, although sometimes his touch and kiss beg to differ. There were times when Liam would press kisses on my forehead and would lead down my neck. Last night he blew on the trail of wet kisses he made, which honestly made me want to just rip his bottoms and hump him senseless. It was a miracle I even had the nerve and said no. He basically knew everything, from where are my weak spots to how to turn me completely on. But I kept turning him down, practically resisting temptation by the name of Liam James Payne.

“Do you need anything?” Liam asked as he kept rubbing my back, again drawing delicate circles on it.

“I wish I can answer you, Liam… I honestly don’t know.” I whispered back.

That’s when I felt him tense beside me. His breath hitched on the throat as he then held my forearm.

It was too late to realize my lips have profusely brushed against his neck. But I did not mean to start any sexual tension between us.

Only Liam thought it was a signal, and I can’t blame him.

Even before I could defend myself that I wasn’t teasing him -I wasn’t even trying at all-, Liam leaned down and pressed a kiss on my mouth.

Half of my brain has shut off the second his lips collided with mine. The other half was buzzed with every question possibly thrown if I wasn’t shut against Liam’s mouth.

This time, we might actually regret it, letting ourselves get lost to one innocent touch. It might even make everything more difficult. It would further complicate things in my mind. I could end up hurting him. He could be heartbroken, again. I was even still not sure if I feel something that’s more than friendship for him. What if we’re risking ourselves again? Did Liam really think this is what I need? As I could recall correctly, emotionless sex started all the problems.

My hands were flat on his chest. After a few tries, I managed to push him away, “Liam, I-,”

“Campbelle, please,” he whimpered. Liam stared at my eyes, his hazel brown dark with lust gaze and burrowed through the depths of my dead blank grey ones. I recognized that look. I always knew what it meant. He wanted it. He wanted everything. I could feel his heartbeat against the palm of my hands. His lips only inches away from capturing mine once again. “Please…let me.”

Damn it all to hell. I decided to go against everything. Whatever the hell happens hopefully is worth the risk.

He had me at ‘please’.

And I had enough of the celibacy.

I tangled my hands in his hair and pulled him as yet again Liam’s met my lips and deepened the kiss, relishing the way his hands knew just what to do as they found the hem of my camisole and began to travel upward on each side of my body. My hands did the same, tracing every part of his toned chest down to the contours of his pack of abs until they reached down the waistband of his boxers where I stopped.

The kiss wasn't aggressive or passionate. Rather, it was agonizingly slow, and neither of us took the initiative to speed it up. Liam's hands were warm and soft against my skin, and I sucked lightly on his bottom lip.

It was Liam who picked up the pace as soon as he noticed the initiative. Without any delay, he busied himself by removing my top and tossed it on the ground. He then pulled me closer to him and buried his face on my neck. I just sighed happily and tangled my hands on his hair once again. From the way of his sucking, there was going to be a proof of us frolicking the next day. But I didn’t care for now. It felt good. It felt really good. Why did I even second thought? I’ve always been comfortable with Liam. It was just like those times before, when all we had was ourselves, when it was just Liam and Campbelle.

His large hands found my breast, cupped them and soon his fingers fumbled with my nipples. His lips were now sucking its way down to my collar bone. I could feel grow hard against my thigh. I didn’t even try to hide the moan. The feeling of sadness I gained from the said nightmare was soon replaced by the pleasure that started building up my chest.

Liam shifted his position and shoved a knee in between my legs. He kept his knee in between my legs as he ran a hand down my abdomen, pausing for a moment to grip my waist and run a thumb over my hip bone. I arched my hips forcefully against his, and that was all the encouragement he needed. His hand slipped stealthily into my underwear, and I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck as he kissed me with vigor, knowing what was about to happen.

And then I felt a finger inside me, slow at first. Then two fingers. When I moaned in the back of my throat and he growled against my lips in pleasure, I realized what he had endured for the past couple of days. Liam’s fingers worked miracles. It was unbelievable how I missed him so much. It was like he’s evil to be this good with foreplay. I was completely lost. Once again I tightened my grip on him, my nails digging into his back. When I let out a barely-audible whimper and my breathing steadied, he pressed a few chaste kisses to on my neck before pulling out of me. I was spent, but entirely ready to go the whole nine yards if that was what he wanted.

I forgot how good Liam Payne was.

He propped his upper-body weight on his elbows as he gazed at me fondly, twirling a long strand of my brown waves around his finger. I opened my eyes just as he cupped my cheek and pressed a kiss on my forehead. I lifted my chin, wanting to feel his mouth on mine once again, and he obliged, though the kiss was nowhere near as passionate as before.It was delicate and sweet, an understanding display of devotion.

I’ll be honest. I was expecting more than a short foreplay. But I don’t want to sound desperate. I don’t want to beg either. I don’t want to rush Liam. After all, I just managed to unload what’s in my chest moments ago. I can’t complain. I should even be thankful to him. Liam has managed to somehow, by a little, bring me back to the old me.

Instead of saying words of appreciation, I just hugged him back tightly. He slid an arm under the back of my neck, letting the other fall beside him as he gently lay his head down on my chest. I just rested my chin on the top of his head, lazily and contentedly playing through his hair.

Memories of three years ago hit me all of a sudden. My best friend, my Liam, how he makes me melt with his touches, how his kisses were intoxicating –slow, but aggressive; fast, but gentle. Liam was the kind of lover that would shower you with all his attention. Pleasure you until you can’t decide anymore which sensation to actually feel. He’d make it sure that in the end, you’ll be begging for more.

A few moments later, our breathing has back to normal; same did our heartbeats go in sync. I just stroked his hair absentmindedly. Liam hadn’t moved at all, he was just sprawled there on top of me.

“Campbelle,” I heard Liam whisper. “I know deep inside…you still think about Zayn. You still care about him. You hoping he’d react the same way as Harry’s once you see each other again, if it ever happens…because…because I know Camp, you still love him.”

I was lost for words. I couldn’t believe everything that went out his mouth.

“I’m just saying this because I don’t want you to expect. I don’t want you to get hurt, either by Harry or by Zayn. I don’t want you to wait and see if it’s going to be okay in the end, because I know it never will.” Liam added.

Just after a few seconds pause, Liam confessed, and there goes my heart,

“Zayn has already forgotten about you, Campbelle. He moved on.”

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Spring 2011

“Whose bloody idea is this?!”

Arms linked with one another, Louis and I raised our hands as the instigator. “Oh shush, Nialler. We’re all bored to death.” I told him as he grunted and stomped his way next to Harry, who’s got the same annoyed expression as Niall’s. “Come on! We always love to play this game-,”

“Yeah, for like the hundred time now!” he whined.

“-because it’s fun! And we get to know more about each other. Isn’t that fun?!” I exclaimed.

“Okay, who gave you Nutella and candy floss again?” Liam cut in. “How many times do I have to tell you it’s not the best for you? One of these days I swear you’re going into diabetic coma if you continue that habit.”

Niall nudge Harry and announced, “I bet she just want to get into Louis’ pants now.”

Louis defended by throwing the empty bottle to Niall, unfortunately it hit Harry’s groin. “Oi! Camp still holds the record of the best heterosexual snog I ever had. Don’t mock my Campy!”

“Lou! I told you I don’t want my name to sound more sissy than it already is!”

“Guys! Are we still doing this or not?” I heard Zayn said as he sat next to me.

The boys and I were rounded out in a circle in the middle of Harry and Louis’ flat. I was just visiting them for a few days before I head home and enjoy my spring break with my mum for a couple of weeks. After that, I’ll be back with Liam on the road as his plus one. It was just one of the many privileges in life I will never replace with anything.

I have grown attached to the boys myself ever since we met just a few months ago. I was their number one fan through their whole X Factor journey, been there for not just for my best friend, but for all five of them. And I couldn’t be more thankful enough.

Although I must admit, sometimes these boys disgust me, with the exception of Liam because he knows what I don’t like. I have seen Harry’s dick more than four times, like nine times to be exact. I once caught Harry and Louis naked together in a bath, which images of them still haunted me till this day. Niall loves farting, and he doesn’t care if I was next to him. I once woke up with Zayn’s face watching me.

As per what Zayn has told me when we first met. I was already one of them. They basically couldn’t care less if I was indeed a girl. They’d be whatever they are in front of me, and that’s what I loved about all of them.

“Okay, let’s just go down with the rules of the game once again.” And as usual, Liam has appointed himself as the leader. “First one to back out pays for dinner. If you choose truth, you’ll have to answer it whether you like it or not, otherwise you’re considered out. You can’t lie, that goes to you Camp. I know it when you lie. And please, no more dirty dares for my best friend, same goes to you, Campbelle. I’ll hit you with this bottle if you ask one of us ride the lift naked again.”

“Such harsh words from my own best friend,” I told him back. “I’m deeply hurt, Liam.”

The other four boys bellowed in laughter. “God, you need to improve you’re acting skills, Campy.”

“Fuck you, Malik.” I retorted to the good looking lad next to me. “Since you’ve called me with that awful nickname, you go first. Zayn, truth or dare?”

“Truth.” He replied quickly.

I scoffed back. “Pussy. Okay, have you ever experienced threesome?”

Zayn frowned and asked, “I thought no dirty questions?”

“No dirty dares. Just answer the frigging question!”

“Well no, I haven’t had a threesome before and never in my wildest dream did I want to experience one. NEXT!”

Things haven’t gone quite normal for the next questions and dares thrown out. Niall dared Liam to tweet he’s leaving the band because he’s offered to be a Jonas brother (read: Kevin, Joe, Nick, even Frankie Jonas retweeted him). Liam dared Louis to eat a tube of toothpaste (read: he puked them all over Harry’s duvet). Louis asked Harry if he ever masturbated with a picture of me in his head, he said yes (read: I almost gutted him by the way). Harry asked Niall if a fan ever pays him thousands to have sex with him, would he take or decline the offer, he answered no because he’s got morals unlike him. I dared Niall to put make-up on Harry’s face and post it on Twitter. Zayn got dared by Louis to go and ask their neighbor if he knows One Direction, the neighbor was a forty seven year old widow who in the end did know who they were because she knows 2/5 of the boys lived next to her. In the end, Harry dared Liam to go on a lift ride with only his boxers on. To his dismay, everyone now saw his lucky Batman pair.

Liam stormed back in the apartment, completely pissed at us and shouted, “That’s it! I’m out. Where do you want to eat dinner?”

“NANDOS!”

“MCDONALDS!”

“LOUIS IS DYING!”

“TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL!”

“Shush! Campbelle, truth or dare?”

“Zayn, Liam’s out. It’s game over.”

“No. You haven’t got your turn. Now for the last time Campbelle, truth or dare?”

“Fine.” I sighed and told him back, “Since I’m not a wuss like you, I choose dare.”

Zayn’s lips formed a smirk and said, “Kiss the one you like the most.”

I was of course shocked by the bluntness of his dare. “You’re kidding, right?”

“You chose dare, babe. And I thought you’re not a wuss?” Zayn mocked.

I looked at all five of them. They’re all my friends, practically brothers! Well, maybe not Liam because we’re secretly fucking each other and that’ll be just wrong.

But I never turned down a dare before!

I looked at Liam, whose expression I could tell meant if I kissed him in front of the boys, they’ll probably know there’s something. That or he’s scared if I kissed him he might not stop himself from dragging me back in his flat.

I looked at Louis. I’ve kissed him before, a dare as well, but it was nothing. It was my first time to get drunk. When I kissed Louis, there was no feeling attached. It was just a playful kiss.

I looked at Niall and Harry. Both mirrored the same expression that they were kind of expecting I’d pick either one of them.

And lastly, my stare landed on Zayn.

Damn. I always had this sort of attraction on him ever since we met and became friends. I never told anyone, not even Liam.

“It’s okay Campbelle. Nothing’s going to change.” Zayn insisted.

And after all these months I tried to hide that silly little crush, the stomping dinosaurs found their way back in my stomach.

It was all the encouragement I needed to lean on and plant a soft, gentle, innocent kiss against Zayn’s lips.

I turned my head down because I knew I was blushing crazy. I’ll be forever teased because this I was sure of it.

There was silence all over us, like I just did the impossible. Oh my god, what have I done?!

It was only cut when Louis cried, “Dang, and I thought you’d choose me Campbelle! Did you forget what we had? I was your first!”

“Come on guys, I’m really starving. Go get changed and we’ll head down in five minutes!” Liam told everyone. I bet he sensed my awkwardness, or was he jealous?

Without wasting any more time, and further embarrassment, I got up and quickly dashed towards the guest room where my things were still placed.

“Uhm, Camp?”

I felt a hand stop me as I was about to reach the door’s handle. I turned around and saw Zayn.

Cue in the purple dinosaurs’ marching band playing Katy Perry’s Hummingbird Heartbeat. Oh my god.

I just tried to show off a smile at him so to say I’m not awkward at all. “Yes?”

Please don’t say anything that’ll make this worse.

Zayn just did that smile that makes all his fans melt, and said, “Would you like to go out sometime? You know…like…just the two of us?”

I stared back at him, half disbelieving, half elated, “Like a date?”

“Yes, a date it is.” he confirmed back, grinning beautifully as he said ‘date’. Damn, this boy can’t get any cuter? “Is that okay?” he asked again.

Zayn Malik. I’d be stupid to say no.

“Just a quick reminder, Malik, I’m a good little British lass. I don’t kiss on the first date so don’t expect.” I joked before closing the door and squealing my heart out.

I was going on a date with none other than Zayn Malik.

And from that night on, everything has changed.