“Only half a blue sky
I’m kinda there but not quite
I’m walking round with just one shoe
I’m half a heart without you.”

Half a Heart – One Direction

I never owned a black dress before. I never really wore much black clothing. They say every girl must at least have one basic black dress in her closet, but not me. I never exactly liked the color. Like the shade of my grey eyes at a caste cloud full of sky, it was dull, sad, and just cheerless. It is melancholia in every sort. But then they said black is the only appropriate color to wear for a funeral. It reeks of sorrow, of grief, a perfect match for a lonely and mourning face of a broken and emotionally drained girl; it just fits for this sad day.

I stood there heavyhearted, staring blankly at my own reflection on the mirror wearing the black Sunday dress that hugged my body somehow loosely. Mum bought it for me yesterday because she knew I’ve got no black clothes to wear for the ceremony. Ever since this morning, she’s been very busy greeting the small group of family members that came to pay their respect, dressed in the same black clothing that I have in my tiny body. I haven’t got the energy and confidence to face anybody just yet. I sulk alone in the small room of the funeral home. After everything that happened, I have nothing clear going in my mind for the past few days. I don’t even know the people that came to say their goodbyes. To me, they’re all but strangers. I’m not exactly in the mood to meet strangers and I don’t think it’s even necessary this time to get to know them all. I wasn’t the reason why they came here in the first place. They’re all here to say goodbye to him, just like me and Mum.

Today’s the day I get to say my last goodbye to my father.

Sadly, today’s also the day of Zayn’s wedding. The very day I’ve dreaded to ever happen. And my heart is hurting every second that passes by as I try to drill in to my head that this could be our bitter ending. What a sad ending it is. I was stuck in this lonely place, with a shattered heart.

I heard someone call my name from outside, followed by three small knocks against the door.
Someone was bound to look for me after not wanting to be disturbed and not coming out of the room for hours, only to be surprised that it wasn’t someone from my family who came to cut my pity party.

I turned around just in time to see Niall come into the room with a disappointed look on his face. He’s all dressed up handsomely in his black suit and tie but we both know he wasn’t here to attend my Dad’s funeral. I never even got the chance to introduce any of them to my Dad.

“You know, I’d really rather stay here with you than go and fake a smile in that wedding. But they’re making me go so to tell nothing’s wrong. That it’s not forced. That it’s cool for everybody. That nobody’s faking anything. It’s all bullshit, you know that.” Niall was telling me as he walked closer to where I stood. I was quick to bow my head down. I just couldn’t let him see the lifeless grey eyes. I’d disappoint him even more.

I felt his hands held my shoulder, squeezed me a little that was meant to be comforting, yet it didn’t ease any of the building emotion inside me. My chest was filled with some heavy feeling not a light squeeze from a friend could take away.

“I couldn’t go there and see my best friend marry someone he doesn’t love. It’s not right. It’s not supposed to end this way. We were supposed to stop this wedding but –”

He didn’t get to continue what he was supposed to say. He stopped right away and met my eyes in the mirror.

“This wasn’t part of the plan.” I muttered truthfully. My face was still void of any expression. The funeral… The wedding…. None of these were supposed to happen, all at the same day to actually happen. None of these were part of the major plan Niall and I had conspired a few months ago.

I managed to turn around and just tell him straight away before I could fight myself off, “I’m sorry but I couldn’t help you anymore, Niall.”

The truth hurts, but I have to tell him right there, in that very second. It’s because I’m held up. One part of me screams to run now and stop the wedding. Yet one part of me says stay right where I am. I couldn’t leave. Not when I know my Mum needs me the most when she says goodbye to the only man she’s ever love. I have to stay here with Mum in my father’s last day, and that I should be saying goodbye to my Dad and not to Zayn. I couldn’t even bear the thought that I’ll be saying goodbye to the man who holds half of my heart. The only man whom I want to hold all of me. I can never say goodbye to my Zayn-

My Zayn.

He’d most probably be in the church by now, getting married to someone else, sharing a promise forever to someone who isn’t me. Is this how goodbye’s going to be for us?

Niall sighed back. “It’s not yet too late, Campbelle.” He said as he pulled in closer and finally wrapped me in an embrace. “Zayn can still stop the wedding himself. He can still runaway with you. He can do it. Anything is possible, do not lose it.” Niall said.

He means hope. He means all possibility that fate could still be in my side. Chances are we could still change what the whole world assumes to be the wedding of the century. Everyone knows I can’t change what happened in the past, but I can still change what’s in store for the future, our future together. I know Niall wants to convince me to come with him.

But nothing that comes out of his mouth could penetrate my brain and change my mind. Maybe it’s too late. Maybe I’ve lost all hopes that it’d be me and Zayn in the end, I just can’t say them all out loud because I can’t admit it myself that I’ve lost this fight for love.

I wrapped my arms back at Niall’s and have my face buried in his broad chest. He just tucks me inside his arms securely, finally understanding the fact that it’s the only way he could bring comfort to me. He couldn’t be bothered I’d mess his white polo. I’m sure I wouldn’t anyway. My eyes were dry. I haven’t shed any amount of tear ever since my Dad passed away. I think my tear ducts can’t produce anymore. I was done with crying. Dad would be so disappointed if he knows I’m crying again. I can’t disappoint more people.

“You should go, Niall.” I said; my voice barely a whisper near Niall’s ear.

My hands were shaking as I push him off and Niall noticed it. He brought his own hands to hold on to mine but I quickly shrugged him away. I don’t want to hold him up too. My lips trembled as I spoke. “Could you tell Zayn… could you tell him -,”

Tell him that I love him, and goodbye.

I shook my head at Niall as I took three steps backwards simultaneously. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I’m not saying goodbye. I can’t say goodbye.

We’ve shared one painful exchange of goodbyes before and it almost lost us the place we call home. I can’t let it happen again knowing it might be irreversible this time and I could lose the one thing I’ve always wanted in my whole life. Zayn Malik. Why the hell am I even thinking of saying those goddamn words out loud?

“Forget it. It’s nothing. Please, you should go now.” I bit on my lower lip so to not say anything else that will scar me for the rest of my life.

Niall left me with one pleading look but then turned around and did what I told him to do.

I just felt more crushed. Loneliness washed me like a bucket of ice cold water, hitting my senses as soon as it dawned to me that I’m alone in the room once again.

I’m going to be all alone for the rest of my life. I definitely didn’t plan that either.

Just a few minutes after Niall left, someone knocked on the door again. I heard my Mum’s soft voice call for me from outside. “Honey, may I come in?”

I let out a deep sigh, shaking off all the glumness yet failing massively. It’s going to stay whether I like it or not.

“There are people outside waiting for you, honey. Your uncles, your aunties, and your Dad’s side of the family you haven’t met yet. They want to meet you. I think they want to see how much you do resemble your father.” Mum said, still standing at the doorway, waiting for me to come out and go with her to meet the extended family waiting patiently for my appearance.

I nodded silently. Maybe meeting some people would get my thoughts out of this misery –if that’s even possible in this case. It was starting to suffocate me and I can’t even do anything. But as I was about to step outside with her, Mum blocked the doorway.

“It could wait some other time.” she said.

I frowned a little back at her, not understanding what she meant by it.

That was only the time when I noticed the brown paper bag she was holding on her side.

“That color doesn’t look good on you.” Mum said as she approached me, taking what’s inside the paper bag. “You should wear this instead, Campbelle.”

If my eyes won’t produce any tears, then it’s my chest that is going to explode any minute when I realized what she’s got for me.

It was a white dress, a lovely plain white satin dress.

It was a clear sign from someone, or something. This was fate conspiring me to do and continue on with the plan.

With wide eyes looking straight at her, I gasped, “Mummy…”

There was something in her expression that soothed my whirlwind of emotions that was currently stirring at the pit of my stomach. My mother was the peace to my mind I’ve always needed. I don’t know who or how she even knew about the plan but it was beside the point. The dress could only mean one thing, and Mum wants me to do it.

She’s letting me go and chase after my future.

“Do you know what’s always been my dream, honey? What I’ve always wanted to witness you experience someday?” Mum asked, her fingers fiddling with the laced collar of the dress and then looking at me with nothing but utmost assurance that this is really happening. She’s making me do it. “Oh honey, I’ve always wanted to see you wear a white wedding gown.”

I saw her eyes gloss as the tears began to form in the side of her beautiful eyes, her pink lips cracking a wide smile as she told me her biggest dream. “I want to see you walk down the aisle and become the most beautiful bride anyone has ever seen. Hear you exchange wedding vows to the only man you ever love. And most of all, Campbelle, it’s to see you commit yourself to a long and lasting love with him. Create your own love story together and once again make believe in a happily ever after – your forever.”

“And your dad wouldn’t want to see you this sad, Camp. He wouldn’t want you to feel he’s holding you down. If he’s still here, he wouldn’t want to see you sad. He’d want you to follow what’s in your heart. He’d want you to go where you’ll be happy, where your happiness is. He’d want you to do it. If he’s here right now, he’d tell you to go and get that happiness back to you because it has long been written only for you.”

Mum pulled my shaking hands, letting me take the dress. “Technically, this is not a wedding dress and you’re not in a church. But you’re going to a church and you’re going to a wedding. The rest is up to you, Campbelle.”

“And remember, you have to tell Zayn that John approved of him from the very beginning.” Mum added.

There were no hesitations. I tore the black clothing off and put on the white dress like my entire body was on autopilot. I have a wedding to stop. I don’t care if this ends with me in more heartache –or possibly jail time- I’m going there and pull a Taylor Swift-esque move. It’s now or never. It’s me versus everyone that’s going against me and Zayn.

And as per what Mary Anne said before, I’m going to make sure it is I, Campbelle Brooks, that will be singing those damn lyrics in the end.

Mum kissed me in the cheeks as I ran out of the funeral home. The family I was supposed to meet just stared at the Campbelle Brooks they have been waiting for all morning, dressed in a white dress and in a haste to leave my Dad’s funeral. I can’t lose any more time. I have to be there as fast as I could. There’s no way I could be in time to stop it if I don’t start running now.

But then again, for the first time, the fates were on my side. It was giving me an easy way out to go nowhere but straight to the moment of truth.

I don’t know anyone else that could’ve sent him here in all places he should be in. But I was somehow glad he showed up here when I least expect him.

He was leaning against the door of his black Range Rover parked right outside the funeral home.

Dressed in the same fancy suit and tie like Niall’s with his emerald eyes staring back, Harry was there waiting for me and was ready to take me away.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

“I’m going to a rehabilitation center the day after tomorrow.”

These were Harry’s starting words after he started the car’s engine and we drove down the road.

His voice quivered for a little but he was clear to his point, like he’s been practicing how to deliver the news the entire time. His face didn’t look like he’s mad or even sorry for himself. He was in fact straightly composed and calm which was surprising because this would be the first time he had admitted that there’s something terribly wrong with him. All I did was stare back at him. Wide eyes set back at the guy that’s showing his vulnerability right before me; amused by the reality that he could actually do it and that he’s doing it right now when it’s only us again. He wasn’t the same Harry that I left after what happened last time around, the guy that begged for us to stay the way we were. The Harry that sat next to me was vulnerable, yet he was ready to accept the fact he’s weak and in need of mending back but not from me –the medicine he’d drunk to feel okay but really had been long a poison for him; the addiction that ended him in to this trouble. Harry bended himself until he broke just so he could be like me -the wreck he thought was only his to hold and keep.

This one must have been the hardest decision he’s made all by himself and I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for him or just accept the fact that Harry Styles is a huge train wreck that needs serious mending back.

“The fans don’t know it yet. The management wants to keep it a secret but I think it’s better if I tell them truth about me deciding to confine myself on a rehab facility to seek treatment. With all that’s happened this past months, I think it’s the right time to be completely honest with them. I’ve read honesty helps in the recovery.” He told me again. I couldn’t agree more. If I was a fan I would also want to know why my favorite One Direction lad is missing. And we’ve already learned -from the hardest way possible- that keeping secrets is never the best choice.

We made the freeway when Harry’s hand reached for mine, again shocking me back to senses. But then I willingly let him hold on me. His grasp was tight like he’s not thinking of letting my hands go anytime soon. I’ve forgotten how my hands looked like they were a child’s when his massive ones hold them. I’ve forgotten how firm his grasps were. I’ve forgotten how these hands were once the support that took me in and held me completely when I didn’t even ask him to. And I’d be lying to myself if I say now that I won’t miss them; that I won’t miss Harry’s constant presence. I was once loved and deeply been loved by Harry Styles. We had good memories together. Despite whatever happened to the both of us, those precious moments should never be forgotten.

But when I look at those bracelets in his wrist that hide his scars, I knew it was time to let him go. Really let him go, so he could be better. There’s nothing more that I want for him but to be better and that will only happen if I set him free.

His thumb gently caressed my skin, his cold fingertips making this kind of pattern against it that’s going to burrow right in my mind. Only Harry ever did make my skin feel like a canvas, and everything that he never said out loud were now kept like secrets beneath my own skin.

“I just want to memorize the way your hand fits with mine.” He said. “We won’t be seeing each other for a little while. I’m not sure how long will I be staying in the rehab facility, but it’s for the best.”

Harry smiled at me. It broke me how he’s trying to be brave with all of this. Why can’t I be just as brave as him?

“Healing and moving on from you… I’m not sure how’s it going to be for me. How do I even start it but I’ll try my hardest. I want the next time you see me, I’m happy and whole again. I don’t know when that’ll even happen, but I’m sure it’s going to take me some time, Camp.”

It’s probably going to take a while, a year or two on tops. But nothing is for sure.

Yet all I know is that I want to make him feel that I support him whatever his decision is. So I brought our intertwined hands to my face and pressed a light kiss on the back of his hand.

“Really, Camp?” Harry chuckled as his eyes left the road for a little while and looked at me instead. “You’re going to make it so hard for me not to miss you, Campbelle.”

I wanted to say I’m going to miss him too, but my mind says it wouldn’t help him at all. I’m not going to make it easy for him if I hold him back with those three words.

So instead, I said, “Karma’s a bitch, Styles.”

I pressed more kisses on his hand. Harry giggled like a school girl; our faces matched with smiles in our mouth that it immediately made the sad vibe around us fall lighter.

Whatever happened in the past has been long forgotten.

I’m surely going to miss Harry so much.

We’ve reached the church even before I knew it. Soon as we stopped and it registered in my mind that this was the church and that I’m a few meters away from Zayn already made my heart race mad.

I was expecting a big crowd at the entrance, but the huge oak doors were closed and it doesn’t look like there’s anything going on. The gates were open yet there were no fans screaming anywhere. There were no crying family members in pastel colored frilly dresses. There were a couple of guards dressed in intimidating black suits who looked fairly bored to be standing there and I bet they wouldn’t even stop me (read: if they didn’t know I’m Campbelle Brooks) at all if Harry and I walked inside like regular guests. Aside from those, there was nothing else that really gave me a serious problem once I start trouble.

I don’t understand. Did they made it easy for me, or am I falling for a trap yet again?

“They gave the media and the fans a different church address. I think I heard that Perrie came out with that plan herself.” Harry told me, brows knotted in confusion just as mine.

Of course the leader of the lying squad would come up with something like this. Perrie was really worried I’d have the balls to show up and ruin the wedding, making the fans and everyone assume she actually wanted to share the whole magical experience with them. I wasn’t the only one she deceived when she gave me the invitation that says a complete different venue. She wanted me, well, everyone, to look like fools because she’d never let anyone mess this. What a complete douche bitch.

My heart was pounding with all the thoughts that were running in my head each passing second. I haven’t thoroughly thought of any step by step plan to commence once I barge in through those closed doors. What does someone do when she wants to stop a wedding? I can’t just go there and scream my lungs out, can I? This is real life, not some scene from a chick flick.

How the fuck am I going to do this?

Harry broke me out of my thoughts when he said, “I’m letting you go now, Camp.”

I didn’t understand him for a second but when his hand left min one final squeeze, I got it.

He meant the act, and everything else that concerned both of us.

The first thing he did was to let go of my hand that he’s been holding, breaking his heart gently with what’s the right thing to do.

“This is the right thing to do, and the only way to make things right.” Harry said.

For me, it was the ending of the petty love story Harry and I never really had.

As soon as I opened the car’s door, the melody of the piano playing a Pachelbel’s wedding song was floating through the air. Again, it felt like a tidal wave just hit me.

“Wait, aren’t you going?” I asked when Harry didn’t stir a bit away from the driver’s seat. He just sat there, both of his hands now holding on to the stirring wheel.

He just smirked. His dimples showing on either side of his cheeks as he bowed his head down and said, “I’ve kind of made a promise to myself that after I told you I’m going away, I’m really going to mean it and leave you on your own, because I might not stop myself if second thoughts ever flood me again.”

He was leaving, like, really leaving me now to do this all alone. That adds to my dilemma, how am I going to pass those guards without a back-up from Harry? They’d shoo me away for sure. Making them chase after me would be a good option, but I’m not a runner. I’d most likely trip and fuck all my chances.

My hands were shaking and my palms are all sweaty. I’m a nervous mess.

But then somewhere in the back of my head, something was screaming to me that helped clear the burble of thoughts inside my head.

It’s now or never. It’s now or never. It’s NOW or NEVER, Camp!
I could tell that Harry didn't want to leave just yet, like he wanted to say something more. But he was contemplating whether or not he should say them. The sooner he left, the sooner I was out of his life.
He turned his head back to her quickly, trying to memorize all the intricate details about her. It would never work, in time I would be nothing but a distant memory to Harry Styles.
“You look lovely, by the way.”

Harry’s green eyes once again caught my own when my eyes looked back after hearing him say those. In our little stare, we shared our last bonding moment. Harry managed to make me crack a smile in my lips. He was being so modest to me. I highly doubt I’m anywhere near as lovely as per what Harry said I was. I’m nervous as fuck and about to hit the panic button. I might even lose my mind. Lovely is the least to describe me in the moment.

“I’ve always imagined you in a wedding dress.” I heard Harry confess, although it was very soft like he didn’t want me to hear it, but then I did. He imagined me in a wedding dress even when he perfectly knew what happened when somebody asked my hand for marriage and turned it down? How could he even imagine me as a bride?

He waited for me to chime in. I remained silent.

“As much as it sounds creepy, let me tell you for the last time I’d be able to. In my dreams you’re the perfect bride. And right now you’re being one, Camp. You never seize to make my fantasies into reality ever since I met you.”

A normal person would have blushed if she heard what Harry Styles just said. I didn’t because I could literally feel the blood drain my entire face. The voices of the choir members were beginning to make clear lyrics to my ears. I let out a shaky sigh. The nerves were starting to consume me. My heart was in a mad race against my chest I feel like it’s going to explode. I’m about to do something that never in my wildest dream I have ever thought of doing –alone, might I just add. I’m probably as white as the dress I’m wearing. I partially wanted to smack myself. Like, really hit my face with my own fist. Maybe physical pain would help in my current state which is halfway through losing my sense.

“That’s crazy talk, Harry. I’m a whole lot of trouble to be the perfect b-bride.” I said, nervousness finally showing on my tone as I began to stutter the latter but still owning every word of it. I probably hold the title of the most troublesome person in UK. Maybe I do own that award by now.

“Campbelle Brooks, you’re still worth all the trouble in the world.”

All this time, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Harry. I kept telling myself, he’s going to be alright. In the end, we are all going to be okay and our lives will be better soon.

Every time I took a step away, I had to take one last glance at him. A lifetime spent gazing at him wouldn't be enough.

A brilliant smile remaining on his face, Harry urged me, "Go."

That was the last word spoken. I nodded, and then I swiveled on my heel and wandered towards the church with the words ‘It’s now or never’ chanting over and over again in my head.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Any girl would want her wedding day to be perfect. It only happens once in a lifetime. Not a flaw in the plan for her most waited day in her entire life. Any girl would want the center of attention only directly to her as she struts down the endless aisle adorned by many kinds of pretty flowers, in her perfectly fitting white wedding gown and her smiling face hidden underneath the cascading long veil flowing from the top of her pretty head.

There was nothing in the back of Perrie Edwards’ head that’s going to ruin this beautiful day for her. Not the fans who’re probably getting aneurysm for all the wondering why were they told of a different place as the wedding venue. Not Zayn’s frowning friends, both Niall and surprisingly also Louis, and definitely not Campbelle Brooks.

Perrie was damn positive, there was in no way Campbelle would have the guts to show her and ruin the wedding when all she does is cry and runaway. Yes, Perrie Edwards knows a thing or two about the colorful and drama-filled life of the infamous Campbelle Brooks even before that engagement party mess. Perrie knows about their art room in Zayn’s house and their painting (read: which she only saw once), Perrie knows Campbelle Brooks is Zayn’s first love and his first real heartache before she came in the picture, and she also well knows everything that happened when Zayn once proposed marriage to her and she said ‘no’.

Campbelle Brooks would be damned to even show herself. With her best friend still in the hospital and her father’s funeral also happening today, there isn’t going to be a chance that she’d go barge any minute. Perrie was more than confident of that.

And even if Campbelle did think she should, Perrie was clever to give her a wrong address and there’s the management’s security force outside the church. Still best to be prepared for the worst that could happen, and Perrie wouldn’t let it at all.

Zayn was hers. Zayn has signed a contract. Zayn Malik is to be wed to Perrie Edwards this very day.

So her head was clear of nothing but pure happiness as she walks like the most beautiful human being in the entire world down at the red carpet of the church’s aisle. All eyes were on her and being Perrie Edwards, she’d be in no way showing them she’s blushing underneath the thin veil, because she isn’t. Perrie Edwards do not blush and shy down like the boys’ precious Campbelle Brooks.

Perrie made sure that everything’s perfect and goes by the plan. This day is about her and Zayn, nothing else. He’s what she needs –in the fame and financial status. Zayn Malik is the answer to everything. She couldn’t even be bothered that Zayn was forced to do this. He couldn’t back away. He signed a contract. Once she eliminates Campbelle Brooks in his life –by crushing her poor heart-, Zayn would eventually love her back. She’s going to make sure that Zayn will learn to really love her back.

She would want every moment captured in the lens of the camera documenting this big day. In the later grey years of her married life, they will watch it together and relive every unforgettable scene that very day: the cute little flower girls throwing petals at her, their families crying, the exchanging of ‘I do’s’ and their wedding kiss, all of it.

Imagine what a disappointment it will be for Perrie Edwards once she finds out that the camera man has captured a scene never meant to get included in the wedding ceremony.

And she’s going to be bloody mad when she sees it, because the camera man surely did capture every single thing that’s happened in that very moment in just a whirl of a second.

As Perrie Edwards was about to take Zayn Malik’s hand, the doors of the church flung open with a familiar young woman dressed in pure blinding white trying to outrun the three suited bodyguards behind her but has already cried out Zayn’s name. The choir stopped singing. The guests that had their eyes only on Perrie’s had snapped outrageously at her yet none of their scrutinizing stares stopped her from screaming nervously that her voice echoed throughout the high halls of the divine place.

“Stop, please… Stop the wedding!”

It was now or never.

Notes

We’re nearly there guys. Are you ready to say goodbye to Campbelle and the boys?

Happy Christmas, my beautiful potatoes. I wouldn’t be anything without you, and with that I’m forever grateful.

Love, Andie. <3