“I just wanna hold you, hold you, hold you now
You’re the one that keeps me, keeps me on the ground
I just wanna hold you, hold you, hold you now
Can we turn this knife its blunt way around?”

Hold You – Nina Nesbitt ft. Kodaline

Breaking news One Direction fans!

The Zerrie wedding we’ve all been waiting for ages is finally happening!

Admit it. Everyone had some serious doubts that the wedding would still happen ever since those recent rumors involving ‘gatecrashing’ drama and third parties in the Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards’ relationship. But last night, we have been surprised when Edwards posted a video in her Instagram account of Malik and her, dressed up in white clothes, announcing to the entire One Direction and Little Mix fandom about the wedding ceremony that it will happen in November 25, 2014, which will be broadcasted in an exclusive live stream so the fans could see the magical moment between Malik and Edwards as they tie their hands in marriage.

Although, we can’t help but to ask some things –why did it seem to be in such haste? Have they considered the tragedy that recently happened to Malik’s band mate, his best friend, one of his best men, Liam Payne, who still happens to be in the hospital after an unfortunate accident just a few days ago, and the fact that Malik was spotted in the hospital the very same night of the said accident, holding a crying Campbelle Brooks, his supposedly ‘Ex-girlfriend’. Was this the reason why Edwards wants the wedding to happen soon -because she’s threatened by Brooks and she’s not sure anymore that she’ll have Mr. Malik in the end?

Watch the entire video again and notice for yourself: someone’s faking their smile.

Until then, let’s wait and see what’s going to happen in November 25, 2014.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Spending the last eight days in the confinement of a hospital’s intensive care unit with your unconscious best friend gives you quite the emotional breakdown you needed to give yourself chest pains.

It’s been so long since I sat down and really talked about what was our life before. Usually, I tend to forget everything that happened in the past, considering those events were not the highlights of my life. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to dwell on anything about the past.

This wasn’t me, but for Liam… I’ll be.

“Remember on your fourteenth birthday and you performed in the school’s assembly? You sang our all-time favorite song ‘I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing’ by Aerosmith. In the middle of your song, you saw me making faces at you so you’ll be distracted, because if I didn’t do it then I’ll be a bawling mess. You tried not to laugh but you lost it and completely missed your note and snorted instead. I lost it, too, and fell in my seat right in front of the head mistress of the school. Your number was cut short and we both got detention till the end of the day. I had to give my birthday present to you in the detention hall with three senior blokes who chased both of us right after detention.”

Those were the days when we loathed school because it’s never been good for us. We got bullied a lot. We didn’t have that many friends. We never really fit on any high school clique because they said we’re both losers. They said I was a bitch and Liam was delusional for thinking so highly that he could be famous someday. We were so young but Liam and I fought through that shithole all by ourselves.

“Remember when you first auditioned for The X Factor and didn’t get in? You went home after a long day and I was there waiting on your front porch, all ready with my pajama on and all the comfort food we needed as we cried together in your room. You told me how horrible you felt because you thought your dreams were crushed by Simon not taking you to the next level, and I was just right there beside you, cursing the name of Simon Cowell for being so cruel and saying ‘no’ to the best talent in Wolverhampton.” I said.

A quiet sob escaped my lips but I managed to hide it with a soft chuckle, “Don’t tell the boys I told you this, but you were always the best for me, Liam. You are and always will be.”

I didn’t know it would be this hard to tell. They were supposed to make me smile and laugh a little, but all it did was the opposite. I tried to compose myself, but my tears were flowing freely down my cheeks as I recall beautiful memories to my Liam. I can’t stop it. My warm tears kept falling and hitting the back of Liam’s immobile hands.

My hands went up and traced his soft but cold skin, traced the contours on the back of his palm and his fingertips thinking that I could maybe channel some warmth through him in that moment. I felt it was the only way I could make him feel that I was there with him and that I’ll never leave him alone. For days I’ve been wishing and hoping that he’d just hold me back.

“Remember that first time we kissed? Do you remember how it felt? I do, Liam, and I still do. I could have exploded with all sorts of feelings because it was my first kiss. They said your first kiss will always be the hardest to forget, and it was. It really was, Liam.”

I remember how it was back then. How it all started and how it ended with both of us wrapped naked together right underneath his sheets. How it was easy for him to reach down and capture my lips with his. How his lips tasted like spearmint and something sweet. How his lips gave me butterflies in the stomach when I shouldn’t feel that towards my best friend. How he told me he should’ve kissed me a long time ago.

That kiss was the first of the many reasons why everything changed.

“I haven’t confessed to you this before, but for a second, as your lips were pressed against mine, I wish I didn’t think that I’m kissing my best friend, because if I didn’t…maybe our feelings would’ve been mutual now and things would have been different for you and me.”

Out of the silence of the whole room, in his heart monitor, I heard his heart skipped a beat. And there I knew that Liam could hear every word I say to him. He’s listening to me. My Liam always does.

“Do you remember all those times when we were still younger, how our parents thought that we’ll get married someday? How they hoped we will fall in love with each other? I don’t know, Liam. Maybe I didn’t, but then again, maybe I did really. Maybe if I never met Harry or Zayn. Maybe if you stayed just Liam Payne from Wolverhampton, my one and only best friend in the entire world. Maybe if we were never reckless with our friendship, if we never let the lust and curiosity tarnished our innocence. Then, maybe… Maybe you’re the love I’m calling mine all this time. Maybe I’m yours, and maybe you’re mine, and maybe it’s just us creating wonderful memories of us as we grow old together.” I told him, and there wasn’t one word in everything I said that didn’t deserve to be unsaid to the unconscious one. All these time… All these maybe’s…. he deserves to hear them all.

Liam always thought I never loved him enough. He always thought I played us because we’ll always be just friends and that will always be the endgame. He didn’t confess his feelings right then when he knows I couldn’t love anyone but him because he’s scared, not for me but for himself, that he’ll be so hurt to get rejected by his own best friend. He was all the guy a girl could ever ask for, how could he think I wouldn’t say yes to him? He thought I don’t think he’s enough for me. He never realized for himself how much of an impact he’s made in my life. All we both had was a mess in friendship and a really bad timing.

“But if we were really meant for each other, then I would have never found myself –the girl I truly am. I wouldn’t have known the difference between loving someone that you couldn’t live without and loving someone you need so you could live. I love you, Liam, because you’d be the constant piece in my heart that will always remain here even if you live the life you wanted –with or without me. Even if we aren’t together as lovers, I’m sure I’ll never have to worry that you’ll forget everything about me because I honestly know that you’ll never. I know you’ll always love me and I can rest assure you that I’ll do, too, because we’re two piece of souls strengthened by our friendship. You’re my best friend, Liam. Though our love isn’t romantic, the love we have for each other would always be in my heart, you’re my first love, and it will always be the greatest love for me.”

“My love for Zayn is just different, Liam. We found each other our home. Zayn made me believe that someone like me could ever belong to someone like him. Zayn always made sure to make me feel his love for me and it was the only love I have never doubted. You know when I left the tour I thought I’d eventually forget him. But no, that was the complete opposite of what happened. After 18 months of being away, the distance apart us just made me realize that Zayn Malik was the one I need, the one who made me feel, the one I needed so I could continue to live. Home was my missing piece, and I found it on him. I love Zayn because I found who I was after all the trials we’ve faced. I couldn’t lose him again Liam, but I don’t know how am I going to fight this when my partner-in-crime is here going through a tough fight all by his own.”

I placed one soft kiss on his pale cheek, something I wasn’t accustomed to see. He was always bright and blushing whenever I see him, but now his face was dull and lifeless. I didn’t like it.

I whispered softly in his ears, “All these years that we’ve been best friends, I never let you go on a battle alone. I promised to be always with you, no matter how hard it’ll be. But now, I’m torn into two battles neither can I lose.”

Niall told me that Zayn was being held down by the management and both of his parents as well to come and see me again. I was told that Zayn, together with Niall, was trying to break his engagement and has confessed that he couldn’t marry Perrie anymore and that the whole reason was me, that he’s still in love with me and couldn’t marry anybody else but me. Niall told me they didn’t let him listen but he could hear Zayn fought for release, fought for me and him.

That was the last time Niall saw and talked to Zayn. The next day, Perrie posted the video telling everyone about the wedding with him and that it’s happening in four days.

“I can’t go on with this fight without you, Liam. If you don’t recover, I could lose you both. I’m not okay with living a life without you and or Zayn.”

After the whole story telling with him, I fell asleep beside Liam’s bedside and was only awaken after a few hours by the attending nurse in the ICU. I was kindly asked to leave because they needed to give Liam a bed bath.

As soon as they closed the curtains and walked my way to the door, I heard the next unit’s door open and somebody called me by my full name.

“Ms. Campbelle?”

A woman in her early forties wearing a blue lab gown and a stethoscope hanging around her neck called me. I’ve known her to be Dr. Samuels, my Dad’s attending physician.

She approached me with a smile on her face and said, “May I please speak with you?”

Somehow, I knew where this was going but I didn’t have the force to stop either of us. I just kept following her. She walked me towards the unit where my father was confined but just before she opens the glass door, I shook my head.

Dr. Samuels gave me a timid smile back. “Oh, well, we were hoping you’d change your mind about this if it was a request made by the doctor. Aileen told me no one could ever persuade you to go and see him. I thought I could, but…clearly, your mother knows you well.” she said, and she couldn’t be more right.

“I’m sorry but why do you want to talk to me? Can’t it be anywhere but here?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Well, it’s our protocol to tell the family of the patient about his full condition. We have already spoken to Aileen and told her everything she needs to know about John’s medical history. She wanted you to know about it, too, but she said you wouldn’t listen to her so she came to ask me if I could do it for her. And I really was hoping that you’d listen.”

“I don’t need to know, doctor.” I answered back, a bit meaner than my usual tone, “What made you think it would make a change if I do listen to you?” I asked.

“I don’t.” Dr. Samuels’ lips pursed, and then she added. “But to your mum and dad…I’m sure it would, Campbelle.”

The older woman’s pleading stare somehow made it impossible to fight back. Something kept me glued on spot, and words won’t come out of me anymore. Even if I say I don’t really care, somehow in the back of my mind something’s telling me that maybe it was time to really stop and just listen for a moment.

“John Anthony Brooks has been my patient for nearly ten years now since he’s been diagnosed with Lymphoma. Every single time he’s gone to a chemotherapy session, I would always ask him: where is your family? Why hasn’t anyone ever supported him as he went through every single treatment? There was one time, on one of our chemo session, he pointed to the television screen which showed a picture of a young girl with a boy from that famous boy band, One Direction. I thought he was speaking nonsense because of the amount of medicines he’s been taking every single day, but then he said that he did know you. He told me that the young girl on the picture was his daughter, Campbelle Brooks, and that you’ve grown so beautiful, just like your mum. He told me that he didn’t expect that his little girl would become famous, and that was because you’re friends with someone famous. He said he’s always seen you on the telly together with those five boys and that they were your best friends. He said he was somehow happy you didn’t detest men after what he did to you and your mum. It took him a while before he opened up to me, actually. John told me about having a wife and a daughter, and how he’s chosen to leave you for some selfish reason of his own. He told me about what happened and that he hasn’t seen you and Aileen for years.” Dr. Samuels said. These… these were everything I didn’t know. Everything I thought I didn’t care about. Everything I said I didn’t want to hear.

“John’s always said that you’ve got the same eyes, and you both do.”

I felt my chest tightened. I knew this was going to happen and I knew that I’m just going to hate myself. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t stop the tears from. After all this time, just the thought of how I’ve forgotten that my dad and I have the same bright grey eyes just made it harder to settle my emotions trying to burst out of my chest.

I’ve forgotten how the sides of his eyes would crinkle when he smiles and how I’ve never ever saw him cry before. I learned that from him, that one should never cry because that’s what shows your vulnerability to the world around you. Dad was the one who taught me to be tough, that I don’t need to bend until I break, that I can risk falling but never let anyone see me hurt. I didn’t just acquire the numbing when I sheltered myself.

He taught everything to me.

“John regretted all his past decisions, Campbelle. He regretted leaving you and Aileen. He always wanted to come back home. He said he went back to your former house, hoping to find both of you, but he found out that you moved out of your old house. For years he kept trying his hardest to look for you, but when he finally found where you live and when he was all ready to ask for your forgiveness, his body failed him and he ended on this very hospital bed.” Dr. Samuels explained.

“Campbelle, John’s condition is worsening. Every minute that passes, his chances of recovery is deteriorating. And I’ll be honest with you right now. We might lose him any moment.”

I couldn’t say anything. Words were jumbled in my head and all I could do was to keep on shaking my head while I cried everything.

Right there, I was the girl he taught I shouldn’t be. She was vulnerable. She was a fragile piece; now lost because she didn’t learn a vital lesson in her life. She was the girl that hid on the closet because she was ashamed to admit she’s just a weakling.

I wasn’t supposed to hate my own father. I should hate this girl.

“Don’t get me wrong, but I heard you when you were talking to Mr. Payne earlier about how you found love and belonging to someone that becomes your home. You described home not as a place but rather being with a person you love. Ms. Brooks, John has been trying to find his way back home for years. The way you spoke, the way I saw you hold Mr. Payne and tell him that you love him and that you wouldn’t leave him alone with his fight, I just want to say that I think you and your father are so much a-like. All this time, finding home means finding you. It’s a lot like love. Why would you not give him a chance to ask for your forgiveness? What makes it so hard for you to lift that burden in his chest before he parts away from us? Ever since then, that’s all he’s asked.”

“As a friend of John’s, please let him have his peace before He takes John from us. Grant his one last wish. Campbelle, bring him home.”

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Mum found me first, sitting all by myself in the waiting lounge of the ICU floor. Niall had gone home with Harry because it was their turn to take a rest. Geoff and Karen were given a private room, and they were with Louis taking some rest too.

Just one look at me and I bet she already knew how my mind is not at peace that very moment –with Liam still not waking up, Zayn being forbidden to see me anymore by his parents and the management, and now with the truth of finding what happened to my dad. My mind is one big of a mess.

She looked so distraught, too. Her face looked as if she’s aged a few years even if we haven’t stayed in the hospital that very long. She was definitely stressed by everything that’s happening, and how she’s been basically told the husband that left her seventeen years ago could be dying anytime from now.

Maybe Mary Anne was right. Her eyes say it all –Mum needs me more than anything right now.

I watched her move and sat next to me, making the lines in her forehead much more visible as she got closer to me. Her once lively face washed by worry and hopelessness. I’ve seen that look before. I wore and masked that same look for years.

She topped her trembling hands on my limp ones that rested on my lap. I broke the silence.

“There’s something I haven’t told you yet.” I began. My lips trembled as I went on. “When I left home after what happened on the tour, for the first few months I was really lost to where I should go. I ran away with no specific plan to where should I be headed so I could clear my head with all I’ve done wrong. I’ve never been anywhere all by myself before. Never was adventurous myself anyway, and that’s when I started panicking because the world was too big for someone like me and ironically, I’m being suffocated by the vastness. I wasn’t ready. I need to find a place I know. There were only three places but I can’t go back to Wolverhampton or London. Do you want to know where I went?”

For second I paused, and then looked back at Mum’s.

“I went back to our old house in Cheshire.” I finally confessed.

Mum seemed to be shocked. It was the only reaction I would’ve expected to come from her. I never told her, never told anyone that I went to where we used to live, where my whole life began and ended. I haven’t spoken of Cheshire for years because I didn’t want the past to haunt me, then.

“D-Did you stay there?” she asked in a soft voice. “Did you stay long?”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t stay at all.” I shook my head. “I just couldn’t, Mum.”

“Why?”

“I thought of us.” my voice cracked. “But mostly, I thought of Dad.”

I rubbed that portion in my temple. My hands were shaking as I started to explain to my Mum what really happened to that day in Cheshire. “Memories of him leaving us crashed to me like a huge tidal wave as soon as I realized I was back to where I completely lost myself. As I stood small before our former house, I felt like the same weak little girl that lost love. I cried. I sobbed. I fell down on my knees. I cried until there’s nothing left. In that very spot, I felt all emotions come back all at once and there’s nothing I could do but release them. That’s why I didn’t stay, because I wasn’t numb. I felt everything I should back then. Everything I kept inside me for years, I felt them, and I didn’t exactly like it. That’s why I left right away.”

“Up until now, I still can’t explain why at that moment, something felt wrong…but at the same time, something felt strongly right.”

As the tears continuously streamed down my face, Mum said, “You are just like your father, Campbelle. Exactly like him.”

And it all made sense to me. I’ve been blaming my dad for all that’s happened to me when just right in the back of my mind, maybe the reason why I really came back to Cheshire that day is for the hope of finding him. Maybe I did come back because Cheshire was where he found his home. Maybe I was there, not to blame him, but to really find answers straight right from him.

I couldn’t breathe the truth that I am my father’s daughter that’s why I blamed him to everything that’s happened to me. Maybe the reason why I came back to Cheshire and became vulnerable to every single feeling I’ve hidden to myself for all those months I was alone was really because I was looking for the only man who could answer why am I like this. Dad was the answer that I needed when I lost my own self.

“There’s something I’ve been keeping from you, too, Campbelle.”

My face was void of expression as I turned my head to Mum. My inside was screaming of struggle as she held out a folded paper that seemed old.

“He found us before, honey.” Mum said. “On your 18th birthday, he tried to come back to us.”

I can still remember that day like it just happened yesterday. My 18th birthday; it was one of the happiest I’ve ever had. I thought everyone was too busy with their life that they’ve forgotten it was my birth day. Then when I came home all sad and gloomy, I was surprised to see all my boys in our house decorated with balloons in every color hanging in the ceiling and a large birthday cake with 18 sparkling candles. The boys in silly birthday hats, holding five bouquets of tulips in every know color, each one of them asked for a dance and has saved the best dance for last –with Zayn, and shared a sweet blissful kiss as he said goodnight after the intimate party.

It was the first birthday party that I had with the boys, and my first with Zayn.

It was just my Mum, the Payne’s and the boys but I couldn’t ask for more. I’ve never felt more special than that day.

But now that I knew that my Dad came that day…

My hands shook as I slowly opened the letter addressed to me. My name scribbled by that very familiar penmanship.

To my beautiful Campbelle,
I know you’ll never forgive me for what I did. For all those mistakes I made to you and your mum. I just want you to know I suffered. There was never a day that passed that I didn’t miss you. I suffered when I left you and Aileen. It’ll take a lifetime to make you believe I’ve regretted every single day I wasn’t there with you while you were growing up. I regretted leaving you behind. I don’t know if you’ll ever get the chance to read this. I don’t know if I’ll ever be given the chance to say how sorry I truly am. I just want you to know that for all the wrong things that I did, it was for yours and Aileen’s safety. I was losing the value of love for myself and I couldn’t let you see me crumple down. You always looked so highly of me and your mum that I left because I don’t want you to be like me. I wanted you to grow tough. I never meant to say that I don’t love you anymore because you are the most precious thing that’s ever happened to me and your mum. You are the world to us.
I have so many things that I wanted to tell you but time might not be on my side anymore. It has given me all the chance, yet I was too much of a coward to just be there back to you.
But of all the things that’s needed to be said, there’s one thing I want you to remember. My daughter, I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of what you’ve become and whatever you may partake. You’ve grown into such a beautiful lady and I couldn’t be more proud that you are my daughter. To the boy I’ve seen take your hand and watch you so lovingly, I hope he shows you the love I failed to give Aileen. I hope he takes care of you like you are the entire world to him. I hope that I could meet him one day and give him my blessing. I hope he makes you believe in love because you deserve an everlasting love.
Happy 18th birthday, my dear Campbelle Brooks.
If this is the last chance I’ll be given to say it, then I want you to remember one final thing.
Daddy loves you so much, always and forever.

I had to read the entire letter for the second time around. By the time I finished re-reading it, my hands trembled and I didn’t exactly know if I should cry or laugh or just run.

He never meant to say he never loved us. He just didn’t want us to see him break and that’s why he left before he could and make us suffer. He chose to suffer on his own. He chose to leave because he wasn’t selfish but because he just didn’t want me to grow weak.

My face crumpled. I failed him. He shouldn’t be saying sorry. He shouldn’t be suffering on his own. His battle is battle, too.

As my eyes read the last line over and over again, I felt the heaviness in my chest took over me. Whimpers of the struggled cries I’ve chokes down earlier had me finally explode. Mum had to hold on me as I sobbed and cried like a child and I couldn’t care less that I was being heard all throughout the entire ICU floor.

“Are you ready?” Mum asked me. All I could do was nod eagerly.

I am ready. Although I know nothing of what words to tell him, deep down inside me, I am ready.

Mum and I held each other’s hands as we made our way to Dad’s glass unit. No more stopping. I’m going to see my father and hold his hand once again. I’m going to call his name and never miss him anymore. I’m going to be with my father again and we’ll both find our way back to the home we’ve both once lost.

Finally, we’ll get to start a building the foundation of a home –with me, Mum and Dad.

The closer we got to where he lies, the more I felt the heaviness inside my chest being taken out as the warm streaks of tears continuously streamed down my face.

The closer we got to him, the more I felt the urge to hug him and tell him that we’re bringing him home.

“Go on,” Mum said softly at me as she held on my shoulders and urged me to go on. “You can do this. Talk to him. Your Dad’s been waiting for you for so long. He needs to hear you, too.”

I needed not to be pushed. I took every step carefully towards him. I wasn’t going to walk back.
.
I wasted no more time. We’ve already wasted most of it by filling ourselves with grunge and distant losing. Right now, we’re not sure how much time we’ve got to spend in exchange of that seventeen years we were apart.

As I reached the side of his bed, I bent my body down and wrapped my arms around him. I buried my crying face at his chest and cried everything to him –the pity I felt for my sick dad, the worry I have for what’s going to happen to all of us, and the utmost gladness that I was once again capable of forgiving him.

This was it. This was the time. I’m bringing him home.

“D-Daddy…” I cried. I almost forgot how to speak out loud, but it sounded and felt so good when I finally managed to say it again after so many years. “D-Daddy…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I cried again, back at him. His eyes were shut close. His face said nothing. I could feel him fleeting.

I was sorry I blamed everything to him. I was sorry that I grew weak and failed him. I was sorry I didn’t reach for him when he was here, just a few feet away from me. I was sorry I said I didn’t care. I was sorry that I forgot about him, everything about him. I was sorry of everything I didn’t tell him. He needs to know and hear me say everything I didn’t say. But now, I don’t even know if he could hear me at all.

“Wake up, please. Daddy, please wake up. It’s Campbelle, Dad. You said you wanted to come home right? Now I’m here to take you home. Let’s go home, Dad. I want to go home.” I said in between sobs. “So Daddy, wake up. Please, fight this for Mummy. Fight for me. Fight this for us.” My fists trembled as they held his bony shoulders.

But as those words of pleading escaped my mouth, in the spur of seconds that went by, what Mum and I feared to happen the most finally came and neither of us was ready for it.

My Dad’s heart monitor started alarming. His heart rate began speeding up in such an alarming rate. The nurses came immediately at the room and I was told to leave. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even move a muscle. I couldn’t just leave him.

Mum pulled me away as I watched everything happen right before us.

But fate wasn’t done with me. The battle just started and I’ve got no more defenses left.

Next to my Dad, Liam’s heart monitor also began alarming.

I stood there defeated, standing right in the middle of the line that separated my Dad and my best friend. I watched as the medical team tried to do everything they could do to save the men in peril.

This was a test. As their heart rates rang alarmingly in my ears, I realize whether I’m ready or not, I am going to lose one of them. The fates are making me choose the same way it made me choose over Liam and our friendship, Harry and Zayn, myself and believing I can love until forever. It’s always making me choose to test me and my strength and I have always given everything even if I choose the wrong way.

But in this case, it’s not my life I’m giving away.

My heart skipped a beat as my weight dropped and I fell down to my knees.

Fates have decided.

One of the heart monitor stopped beating and the sound of death echoed throughout the once silent ICU room.

-To Be Continued-

Notes

Um... Hi?

-Andie