“Breathing you in when I want you out
Finding our truth in the hope of doubt
Lying inside our quiet drama
Wearing your heart like a stolen dream
Opening skies your broken keys
No one can blind us any longer.”

Spectrum – Matthew Koma

I never thought dealing with heartbreak like this one would ever be this hard.

Three days since then, not a day passed that I have not thought of completely giving up.

I never thought I would ever come to this point.

Somehow, I thought I was slowly losing my sanity. I felt like drowning into the abyss of my own sorrows. The demons kept pulling me down further and further and I haven’t done anything to resurface at all. I just let them take me –let them pull me back to my own pit of hell alone.

It was scary, why suddenly I became this way. It was like I’ve given up on life and turned into a living corpse in the strong fumed room. I barely said a word. I barely ate. I barely went out of the art room. If I do, I’d make sure not to take any longer outside because Harry would do anything to corner and convince me to have a conversation with him. I knew he was guilty of what’s happening to me. He kept coming in the room to check up on me but I never gave him any attention. I only had my eyes stuck on what I’ve done in the former blank white walls.

It’s been two years since the last I saw the picture but I managed to do it. I painted it all by myself. It’s like the very same picture Zayn and I did way back then. It was as if I was in the very same room where I first told Zayn those three words I never believed in until he came to my world and changed my whole point in life.

The picture was almost the same, yet I know there was a huge difference.

Every color of paint I used in the picture had my tears on them. These made the whole picture worthless. Tears weren’t supposed to be mixed because the painting was only about your heart belonging to a place you call home.

Zayn was right.

Home has completely lost its meaning.

It wasn’t because I’m in a different house. It wasn’t because I didn’t draw it with Zayn. It wasn’t because there were tears instead of happiness.

It was because I believed who I am is already lost, and that I don’t belong anywhere anymore.

I can’t be saved, not when everybody else needs saving from the mess I’ve done to them.

Even if I do manage to save them from what I’ve done, we’ll never be the same ever again.

And it was the truth everyone has to accept from now and on.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Harry had finally given up on me. On the fifth day of my isolation, he decided to call for back-up.

“Niall’s here to see you, Campbelle.” I heard him said from outside of the room.

When I made no move on opening the door for either of them, Harry and Niall let themselves in and found me halfway finished with painting the north wall with white paint all over again.

Why? I don’t know. One second I’d be staring at it, the next second I’m plastering it with white paint again. I wasn’t even sure anymore how many times have I done and re-done the walls in the room these past few days.

I’m just not sure what I wanted anymore.

It was tiring –my routine. This was why I’m always asking –can I give up now? How lost can I further be into this emptiness because it’s killing me?

I heard Harry call my name again, softly, almost like a whisper, like he was begging me to give them a bit of my attention even for just this once.

I have not forgiven him for what he has done to me -that he knew- so when I made no act of addressing him on the room with Niall, he made the choice of leaving us alone.

Even without glancing at him, I knew disappointment was written all over his face.

Yet there wasn’t an inch of pity in me left for him.

Soon as I heard the door clicked close, I dropped the brush and paint back on the table and looked at Niall. Just one glance and Niall knew what was wrong.

“Last time we had the chance to talk on the phone, you said you needed to stay with me in my house for a while to give Harry some space. But then I find you here, locking yourself in a small room in his flat. Clearly, there is not enough space between you two.” Niall began telling me as he walked towards to where I stood.

I have completely forgotten the original plan of leaving as soon as possible because of all that’s happened to Liam, Harry, Zayn and me. Every single plan I created just immensely failed whether it was entirely my fault or it wasn’t. I was just a walking disaster from the very beginning, and now see what happened to all of us.

Niall was right though. Harry and I lacked the space we needed to breathe, yet I can’t leave this godforsaken room when every inch of my being cringed with the thought I’m just walls away from Harry.

“Harry doesn’t know where to begin when I asked what’s happened to you. The lad has been calling me nonstop because you won’t speak to him and he’s very worried about you. He’s been crying every time he’s on the phone with me. He said you haven’t eaten that much. He said you just stare at your paintings and then the next day he’ll find you repainting the same picture all over again.”

I couldn’t make a decent eye contact with him. The way Niall’s eyes bore straight right to mine just already made my eyes teary. I was surprised my tear ducts could even still produce them since all I did was weep.

I had to drop my gaze so he won’t see me crying but it was too late. Niall saw my tears dropped from my eyes. Hardly kept sobs were immediately to follow. I just lost it.

“Camp, you need to tell me everything that really happened.” Niall said as he took my hand with his. “Come on, leave that mess. I’m taking you out of this place.”

I knew Niall was just trying to be a good friend to me but my mind was screaming ‘nobody can save you anymore from this misery of a life, Campbelle. This is your karma. You can’t leave because you’ll just break everything you’ve tried to sloppily patch back. You’ll end broken. You’re already broken. Just accept it.

He didn’t want to let go of my hand but I forcefully pulled mine back. I quickly shook my head and whispered a soft “I can’t,” at Niall.

I can’t because of the fear if I leave Harry, he’ll snap once again and that’ll be my fault all over again. I can’t because I promised. I can’t because I’m frustrated with myself. I can’t because I don’t know how I’ll explain to Niall I’ve done the worse than he’s expected. I can’t because I’ve finally given up.

After all this time I thought I could fight to make things right, in the end, I really just can’t.

Niall was disappointed, I could tell with his expression, but he just sighed and demanded, “Well I can, and I will take you out of here whether you like it or not. I’m not staying in this awfully smelled room any longer. How did you stay here for five days without getting a massive headache?”

Five days ago felt like it was just yesterday –when Liam lost the true meaning of our friendship, when Harry cried for me to stay and be forced to make love, when Zayn told me he needed me back but I had to lie to him about not loving him anymore when the truth is I have waited for so long to tell him I still love him.

How have I lived up to five days after everything?

Niall took my hand back and insisted me to come with him. “Please Campbelle, I’m helping you here. Please, do this for yourself.”

I nodded pensively back at him. Without wasting any more time, Niall pulled me out of the art room. We found Harry sitting on the couch in the living room, waiting for either me or Niall to say a word to him.

I didn’t. Neither did Niall.

I then understood Niall really was true to his words of taking me out of Harry’s company whether I liked it or not. I found my already packed travelling bag and satchel lying on the coffee table which Niall quickly grabbed by himself as he kept me close to him.

Harry just kept his eyes to us as we both shut the door without even saying goodbye to him.

What’s surprising was Harry didn’t stop Niall from taking me away.

Out of those constricting former four walled haven, I was finally been able to breathe freely again.

I was never coming back.

And Harry was aware of that.

Never.

----------(The Way We Are)----------

Niall and I were mobbed by the paparazzi as soon as we went out of the building and even followed us until we’ve reached our destination, which was a small coffee shop in downtown London. His bodyguards weren’t much of a help, really. The paparazzi did what they have to do just so to get a word from us. Niall kept insisting to leave us alone but the old nosy fuckers kept shouting questions towards me.

“Campbelle! Why are you with Niall? Is he your next victim?”

Motherfucker.

“Ms. Brooks, can you give us some details about your relationship with Harry Styles? Are you still happy with him or do you want to give a second chance with Zayn?”

This is exhausting. I can’t believe I have to deal with this all over again.

“Is it true that it’s your fault Perrie’s not living with Zayn anymore?”

“Is it true Zayn called it quits on his and Perrie’s engagement? Does that mean the wedding won’t happen anymore?”

“Campbelle, what can you say about Perrie actually calling you ‘slut’ live on national television?”

I don’t fucking care what Perrie fucking Edwards said in that fucking interview about me. I don’t fucking care if she told the whole world she hates me. I saved their motherfucking engagement by lying to Zayn. It’s not my fault they’re fighting. I’ve saved them and hurt myself instead, how can it be my fucking fault now? Why does everything always have to be my fault? Go fuck yourselves, you stupid ill-breeds.

Just breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breathe out…

“Are you ready to have ‘Campbelle Brooks’ replace the name of ‘Perrie Edwards’ as the bride to be?”

I stopped for a while, got Niall to stop also, glared back at the pap who’s asked the question and answered, “Mind your own bloody business or go to hell.”

In return, I got more screams coming to us.

I’ll probably end up a trending topic in Twitter later.

Thank heavens, Niall asked the shop manager to give us a private table which made it impossible for the paparazzi to get both of us photographed and see us talking inside. I was really close to shedding tears from all the mixes of emotions that were building up in my chest, almost ready to blow any second longer. It won’t be best if they caught a picture of Campbelle Brooks crying in a coffee shop with Niall Horan.

He’s already been called ‘the next victim’ by the press, which sounds very insulting I wanted to punch that stupid bloke who said that.

“Perrie did call you a ‘slut’ on their live interview with Allan Carr last night.” Niall said as soon as we got to sit. “I think her exact words were ‘I just don’t understand why boys would want someone like her. I mean, if you’ve slept with half of the people you know and you still got the audacity to smile and act normal like nothing happened, that’s whorish, isn’t it? A slut like her doesn’t deserve the care those boys show her. She’s worse than every groupie that followed my boyfriend and his band.’ I told yah, you don’t want to mess with someone like Perrie.”

That bitch could go to hell. I don’t fucking care. I’ll even push her down the flaming pit and raise my middle finger as I wave to her goodbye.

“Zayn was so angry with how foolish she’s acted and delivered in that interview. He was right though. Perrie should have not given any comment at all because now everyone really wants to know what’s happening to you, him and that horrible woman.” Niall added.

Horrible would be an understatement. No amount of word could justify how she acted. I haven’t done anything wrong to her and she chose to defame me.

Give a round of applause to Perrie Fucking Edwards everybody.

Niall ordered both of us a cup of tea. A warm cup of chamomile tea would help to calm me. I needed to calm down.

“He left their house last night and called me to come to the pub with him –said he needed to vent out his feelings somewhere without doing damage because he really was close to breaking.”

He was interrupted a second later by the waiter that started setting up our table.

I knew I was the one to blame about Zayn’s actions. His anger and frustration were results of what happened to us a few nights ago. Perrie just happen to be really naïve and desperate to know things and knowing Zayn, he’s never been fond of being repeatedly asked, especially if he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Then Perrie doesn’t deserve Zayn. She doesn’t make him happy. She doesn’t make him okay.

I wish I could. I really wish I could.

But how do I make him happy if I’m the reason why he’s not okay?

How do I make it possible for anyone to be happy again if I don’t even know in my own self what will make me happy again?

I looked down at the empty tea cups on our table. They were beautiful as they sat there, waiting to be filled.

It’s just like me, empty inside.

“I almost suggested it was better if he just breaks their engagement.” Niall said with a shrug. “Better off early than get them married and have them file divorce later on –that is if Perrie will even let him.”

I don’t want Zayn to marry Perrie either.

Just-

No. Please, don’t make him think marrying her is his last resort.

“I wasn’t sure what was going on his mind last night. You know that when Zayn’s quiet, he wants to keep everything to himself so I didn’t ask. I waited for him to tell me. But that was after four pints of beer and at least five bottles of vodka. What’s worse is that he didn’t just tell me –he told everyone.”

“What?” I asked incredulously.

“It was an open mic night in the pub. You’ll think because he’s a musician –and because he’s drunk- it’s a no hassle to give an impromptu performance for a small audience. Well, not Zayn. But then he did, last night. I was surprised when he decided to step on stage and played the guitar. Before I could even stop him from getting attention from everyone else, he was already singing a song I’ve never heard before.”

Even before I could repeat another ‘what’, Niall reached over the table and showed me his phone.

“This video was all over the social media this morning.”

On the middle of the screen, I saw it was him. Zayn was sat, playing a haunting melody on the guitar he was holding.

He started singing,

“Everywhere I go
Everything I do
Reminds me of you

Just a picture on the wall
I’m surrounded by it all
Gonna walk before I fall

Fall out, out on the street
Street lights, light up at me
So far from where I used to be when she was mine.”

I noticed how his voice cracked in the beginning of the chorus.

It was the moment that Zayn started crying.

“Everything was easy
Everything was simple
Never felt so good when she was mine
I wanted to remember
Never miss a second
Now I wish I could forget
Forget when she was mine, mine, mine,
When she was mine, mine, mine, ohh,”

Those painful words in his song were just too unbearable. He was in pain. He was deep with misery. He was so much affected that he’s changed entirely and he needed to let it out by singing it.

Anyone could tell that there were actual tears streaming down his face in the video.

“Oh my god…” I cried. “Zayn…” I called out. My hands were shaking as I held on Niall’s phone.

This is too much from him.

“What I missed the most
Is talking up all night
We laugh until we cry
Now I’m breaking at the scene
Dropping to my knees
Nothing left of me, no

Like stone turned into dust
My heart wasn’t enough
So far from where I used to be when she was mine

Everything was easy
Everything was simple
Never felt so good when she was mine
I wanted to remember
Never miss a second
Now I wish I could forget
Forget when she was mine, mine, yeah
When she was mine, mine, yeah
When she was mine.”

It was like Zayn meant to make the audience see him crying. Make them feel what he was feeling during that very moment. Make them see that he’s struggling yet he could continue. He wants them to know what’s in his chest.

His face was wet with tears and so was mine as I listened to his whole song.

Zayn Malik.

His heart was so ripped of what happened to us and I can’t do anything about it.

Mine’s too ripped to help his either.

“I wonder if she’s out there
I wonder where she goes
I wonder what she’s doing
Will I ever know?

Everything was easy
Everything was simple
Never felt so good when she was mine
I wanted to remember
Never miss a second
Now I wish I could forget
Forget when she was mine, mine, yeah
When she was mine, mine, yeah
When she was mine

I’m down on my knees
Gotta see her, gotta see her, gotta see her
I tried to forget but I need her
But I need her
But I need her

I’m down on my knees
Gotta see her, gotta see her, gotta see her
I tried to forget but I need her
But I need her
But I need her
I need her.”

“The fans knew that one isn’t for Perrie.” Niall claimed soon after the video was done.

Of course it’s not for her.

It was meant for me.

“Zayn has never ever dedicated a song for her. He’s never made her a song. Zayn’s relationship with Perrie was never like yours, and to tell you honestly I’d rather have yours and Zayn’s back than him marry Perrie.”

“Oh my god,” I brushed the tears away but they kept on coming. I can’t make myself stop from crying. His song just kept playing in my head even if I just heard it.

“Niall, it’s my fault. That’s my fault.” I confessed right away. “I did that to Zayn. Oh my god, I hurt Zayn.” I said.

“I know you and him talked. He told me everything you’ve told him. I just have to tell you that Zayn cried the entire time as he tried to recall the words you said to him –how you won’t believe him when he said he needed you back, how you pushed him back to Perrie so he could keep his promise when he already told you he knew it’s a mistake, how your lies were the most hurtful for him just so you could keep your promise to Harry because you need to make things right.”

“He kept repeating the want to come back home. I just knew he didn’t mean the place he shares with Perrie,” Niall said. “And then I saw the picture you’re painting, something about ‘home’ and ‘you’. It’s like two puzzle pieces. Now everything makes sense to me. Zayn doesn’t want to come back to a house. You’re home. He wants you back but you’ve pushed him away because Liam and Harry made you guilty.”

Home.

He just wants to go home again.

I don’t know where to start finding it back. I don’t know how I am going to make it exist in this world Zayn and I desperately want to come back to.

How do I bring Zayn back the comfort I once brought him when I know myself I’ve got no more magic left in me?

I can’t even remember what belonging to somewhere special feels like.

Losing one’s self is the cruelest thing that could ever happen to anyone in this world.

“I knew about Liam drinking his sorrows away because he finally understood you’ll never choose him. What I need to know is what happened to Harry that made you think you need to stay with him?”

I know for myself I’m not in the place to tell Harry’s condition. But Niall is the closest thing to whom Harry could run for help without getting hurt. He’s his best friend.

“Harry self-harms.” I told Niall quietly, very much careful so nobody would hear me confess his best friend’s problem.

“What?!” Niall exclaimed, surprised of what he’s heard from me.

“After my visit at Liam’s, when I went home, I found Harry on the bathroom floor hurting himself. I then also found out that he’s never stopped the cutting and he’s done worse, and that’s all because of me.”

“Christ, what’s happening to my mates?” Niall said exasperatedly. “Is that why he’s insisted you to stay with him? Harry needs to realize you’re not the help he needs. You’ve proven that by staying with him doesn’t make him okay. He needs the other form of help, Campbelle.”

He kept shaking his head. “That must have been horrible to know. How are you feeling?”

“I don’t know.” I said. I was being honest. I really don’t know what to feel anymore. From being frustrated to make things right to being so sad about breaking they’ve tried to fix, I’m just so confused.

“I’m not lonely, or I’m not even upset anymore. I’m just kind of numb.” I told him.

I finally found the right word to describe me.

Numb.

This time, I was the one asking Niall.

“Where did Zayn go after?”

“He was too drunk last night so I made him stay with me. He was still sleeping in my place when I left.” Niall answered.

“Do you want to see him?”

The real question is, am I ready to face him again?

But what was I afraid of? Zayn getting mad at me? That didn’t stop me last time. Zayn rejecting me? That won’t even happen. It was brighter than the sun, he wants me back.

Even if we’re too broken to understand, there’s nothing more that I want to be back too.

“Do you still want to see Zayn?”

Without hesitation this time, I answered, “I do. Please, I really do.”

“You’re braver than you think you are Campbelle. You can do it. Don’t let him pull yourself back to what you want.” He told me. “You’ve experienced true happiness. You know where to find it. Retracing your steps back to your past won’t hurt. He’s still patiently waiting for your return.”

“Take me to Zayn now, please.”

My whole body hasn’t even waited for any command from my brain. I was out of the chair where I sat and was ready to drag Niall away.

But Niall called me back even before I could pull him. “Wait,” he said.

I heard his phone ringing.

Niall was quick to answer the call waiting, must have been important. I didn’t care. Seeing Zayn now was more important than anything else. Seeing Zayn was the only thing on my mind right now.

Seeing Zayn, and telling him I’m sorry.

I am so sorry.

As I was lost in my own trail of thoughts once I saw the man I love more than anything, Niall reached his phone over to the side of my face and placed its speaker in my ears.

Then I heard someone call my name.

“Campbelle?”

It was Zayn.

“Z-Zayn?”

“Campbelle…”

His voice, calling out my name, it silenced the demons inside me.

“Campbelle… Please-”

“Don’t go anywhere. I’m coming home.”

Uttered with utmost precision, I told him again, “I’m coming home to you, Zayn. Just wait for me.”

Notes

End Notes:

I know! I’ve kept you waiting for four weeks, for this?! I’m sorry for being such a lazy writer! My work tripled and Tumblr kept me too busy. Anyway…here it is!

WE’RE FINALLY COMING HOME. =]

Cheesy, right?

Wrong. I’m not yet done. :P

Let’s talk about it.

Tweet me: @_AndieTiu

Be an anon in Tumblr and I’ll love you forever: loveandietiu.tumblr.com

Annnnnndddd… I have a new fanfic! Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t be starting a new one when I’m not even done with this yet. But this story’s been in my head for ages and just last week I started writing and now I’m posting, so hopefully you’ll like it too!

Check it out! It's called BLUE VELVET. :)

I swear this ain’t gonna be like The Way We Are where everything’s frustrating. Im’ma try some comedy. New light. Yay for me. :D

-Andie