It was said that in every cigarette stick you consume, you also lose days you were supposed to live in your life. Add on to the equation that an average person’s life expectancy nowadays decreased to 50 years, I’m probably going to die very young, and sad, and alone.

Getting off the train immediately made me feel I’m somewhere I don’t know. My own home felt too foreign to me all of a sudden. Being away for what felt like decades ago but for real it’s only been almost a year seemed to change everything on Wolverhampton. It seems to me that there more people around the small little town now. I forgot how unpredictable the weather in this place always has been. My teeth clattered as the chilly gush of wind on a cloudy mid-morning made contact with my flushed cheeks. Something about the weather and the strangeness of the town where I grew up says I’m not fully welcomed to be back.

Rings of smoke escaped my lips as I puffed on another stick of cigarette. Smoking became an addiction that was way too hard for me to break, influenced by some people I once loved. This habit became the only thing I come for comfort, to calm my nerves whenever I feel stressed. Just like now as I stood at the waiting shed in the station, waiting for a cab to get home. I have a bad feeling something was bound to happen.

I was about to lit my third stick when someone suddenly interrupted by lonesome moment.

“I’m sorry, but do I know you?” a redheaded girl who looked like she was about my age came forward and asked.

Before, being recognized would mean I’m doomed. But after months of isolating myself away from people that might actually know me, I have gone confident that people would eventually forget about me and my face. But every now and then, not that often now, someone would actually turn up to me and say they do know me.

The stare I’m receiving from the girl meant I’m about to get in trouble.

I quickly looked away, a reflex I usually do as soon as people try to ask and think they know me. If I do eye contact, they will get the answer of who I really am.

“No, I don’t know you.” my quick reply to her was. Deep inside, I’m about ninety-nine percent sure of what she is.

“Oh, it’s just that your face looks very familiar to me. It’s like you’re someone I’ve seen somewhere before.” The girl continued on. I just kept my head hung low, wishing she’d leave me alone. After all, it was too obvious that I don’t look like I want to talk with her anyway.

“No, I really don’t know you. You probably got the wrong person, miss.” I told her.

“Right, I’m really sorry about that. Err…sorry to bother you, have a nice day though.” The girl said before she ran off, probably ashamed that she thinks she just made a complete fool of herself.

Not wanting to get recognized by others anymore, I threw the cigarette butt in the bin and started walking away.

It didn’t take me more than five steps before I heard someone mentioned my name.

“Campbelle Brooks,”

It didn’t make me stop and turn around the person who just called me by my name. I continued on walking until someone run past me. I was only stopped by the same redheaded girl.

“I knew it! You’re Campbelle Brooks!” she screamed with such enthusiasm, a shocked expression etched in her face while her index finger was pointing straight at me.

My mind was screaming for me to run and leave or endure the wrath of the fangirl.

“Oh my god, you are Campbelle Brooks. Wow, it’s been too long since you’ve been spotted. Everyone thought you’re dead!”

Not only was she rudely pointing her finger at me, she just have to say that. Her statement instantly made people turn and look at our way. Frowning at her, I fired back, “What the fuck did you just say?”

“You’re Campbelle Brooks, the girl who got gangbanged by One Direction!” she exclaimed, unashamed to mention that awful word in public.

I was fighting the urge to punch the girl in the face, but she went on with her rants, “I knew your face looked familiar to me. Really, how can anyone ever forget you? You were the girl every female Directioner envied and dreamt of becoming one day. You were basically a threat for everyone who wanted to marry One Direction.”

Just to clear it out, I was not gangbanged.

“I was a fan of you before, but when your secrets finally came out, I was one of those girls who wanted to hunt your head down. You’ve completely changed your looks and everything though. What are you doing here?” she asked like we were having a good time conversing. The girl must be dense, completely senseless to the stare I’m giving to her meant leave me the hell alone because I was an inch away from tearing off her bright red locks because it’s hurting my eyes too much.

“I live here.” I answered her coldly.

“Oh, yes, you do live here. And you’re best friends with Liam Payne, right?”

Just hearing someone go on and tell me his name again made me feel like someone stabbed me in the chest.

It’s been too long since I’ve felt those feelings –the pain and guilt I carried on with me but tried to forget. Everything was suddenly coming back to me with just the fact I heard my best friend’s name. I tried everything I could not to miss him. He was the guy who’s always been there for me, the guy who was the closest thing to a brother to me, the guy who forgive me countless of times before I screwed much with everyone’s feelings.

I never deserved to be called Liam Payne’s best friend.

I didn’t answer the girl back, not wanting to break into tears in front of her. I stepped back and walked away.

Once again, I heard the girl shouted out again, “Are you back to mess with them again?!” but I kept on walking away.

I have my own reason for coming back home. They never even crossed my mind when I decided to hop on the train back to Wolverhampton. I wasn’t back to cause another set of problems. I wasn’t even back for them, not even back to try and see Liam or any other one at all.

Even if I desperately want to, I won’t let myself.

It’s because I wasn’t planning on messing my own life, again.

----------(The Way We Are)-----------

“Welcome home, Campbelle.”

If I ever was to confess what I did miss the most while I was away from home, it will be my mother’s hug.

I tried not to cry while my Mum embraced me inside her arms, but it was hard not to. It’s been months since I felt someone give me love. Mum knew I’ve been through a lot for the past year. Though she knew the mess I made, she’s the only person to understand me. She was the only person who listened to me. My mother was the only one who completely forgave me of all the screw ups I did.

“Oh my baby,” I heard my Mum cooed while she motherly caressed my back as I fight the sobs from coming out of my lips. “You’re home now, you’re safe.”

Her warm hands quickly brushed the streaks of tears away from my still flushed cheeks. “Thanks Mum.” I told her back and hugged her tighter this time.

“Campbelle honey, you don’t have any idea how missed you truly are.” Mum said as she pulled me inside the house.

It was the smell of home cooked meals that filled my nostrils, immediately making me feel delighted. “Mum, you don’t know how much I missed your cooking.” I said.

She just smiled back at me as we entered the dining area. Mouthwatering dishes were prepared on the middle of the table that was already set for four people.

Four people? It was always just been me and my mum.

But even before I could ask her, someone appeared from the anteroom and joined our company.

“Oh my god, Campbelle! You’re finally here!” Ana Payne’s booming voice startled me.

I looked at her and then back at my mum. I wasn’t sure how to react at the sudden surprise of Ana. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to see her again. The last time I saw her, she was very disappointed of me. The last time we had a conversation, she told me I need to reconsider mine and Liam’s friendship.

I need a smoke.

Ana seemed to sense my apprehension when she greeted me, it was written all over my face. But she went on with her lips stretched into a smile, and pulled me off my mum’s arms and hugged me herself. “It’s been a year Campbelle. We missed you so much.” Every word she said came out very motherly and just pure genuine for me.

But somehow inside my head, I wasn’t sure if the ‘we’ Ana was talking about really meant her and my mum.

We were only cut short by the ring of the doorbell. I had the biggest hunch that person was going to be fourth one to join our little feast.

“Honey, will you get that please?” Mum instantly instructed.

I just nodded and did what I was told, though it took a while to turn the knob to see who’s behind the door.

Taking in a deep breath, I tentatively pulled the door open and met the person outside.

It was his beautiful brown eyes that greeted my cold grey ones. He stood there, the same anxiety I have was mirrored in his facial expression. He too wasn’t sure how to react to this little re-acquaintance.

“Liam,” it came out from my lips almost like a whisper. It’s been too long since the last time I uttered his name.

He didn’t respond, instead he held on to my forearm and inched himself closer to me until there was no gap between our bodies from colliding into a hug. Just like those others we shared before.

I really need a smoke now.