The reason why i smile

I want to trust him, i do.... i don't know! Ugh I've never felt this way about anyone before, never had time to. I hate myself. I hate myself for feeling this way. I go to my bathroom, grab my razor and hold it to my wrist. i don't deserve happiness. i don't. i drag it across my skin. it stings. i make a good sized cut before realizing what I've done. No... 'No no no no no no NO! what is cate gonna say? we promised each other that we would never do this! i clutched my wrist and curled up on the floor and cried. Someone knocked on my door. I grab a jacket and put it on really quick
"Come in"
"Hey Krista.."
"Hey Louis," I smile weakly
"I was just checking to make sure you're okay, you didnt come down for breakfast, and no one has seen you since last night.."
"Yeah.. I'm fine.."
"Good"
It was so awkward... i don't know why i did it it was like i wasn't in control of my actions. I got up, wrapped my arms around his neck and shoved my lips against his. He was taken by surprise, but he kissed me back. he moaned. we moved backwards towards the bed. i fall on it, bringing him with me. never breaking contact. He pulled away only to pull off his shirt. i stared at his perfect chest in amazement. He smashes his lips back against mine. He pulls off my jacket. he moves his hands down my arms. i wince when he touches my cut. My cut. Shit! He notices my moment of hesitation.
"You... dont want to... shit Krista what did you do?"
I tell him the whole story i dont know why i do. he wipes away the tears i didnt know i was shedding and hugs me close to him.
"Please NEVER do this again!"
"I wont... I wont" i say it twice, to reassure myself.
He lays down bringing me with him. i fall asleep on his chest, and don't wake up until morning.

Notes

welll?????