I Loved You First
Chapter One
It was really windy that day, I remember, as I was walking back to my flat. I just finished my last class of university leading into a small break they had, and I was ready to just be home and sleep. The walk from university to my flat should have taken about ten minutes every day, but it always took me twenty. I always went the long way around, but not that day. I finally went through the park.
“I hate this fucking park,” I mumbled as I started to make my way through. It still looked the same as it did that day over two and a half years ago, except the trees had gotten taller and more flowers had been planted. I hadn’t been to this park since that day because I didn’t think I could handle it.
And then I passed the bench. The bench we sat on where it all started, and then where it ended. I stopped and stared at it, just thinking about those two years we were together. It made me dizzy to think about him. I sat down on the bench and buried my head in my hands. Then, all I could think about was February of 2011, when I was in that same spot, but he was sitting beside me.
---
“I love this park,” I exclaimed, holding on to his hand extra tight. I could feel him rubbing my hand slowly with his thumb. He knew that made me feel safe. I looked all around me, observing the scenery of the park. He then led me to the same bench where he asked me out two years ago. We both sat down, still hand in hand, and I looked over at him, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just kept his eyes on the ground.
“I wanted to spend my last day with you here,” he said, softly.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Stop reminding me that you leave for the X-Factor tour tomorrow. You should just stay here with me.”
“I can’t help it, love. Our fans mean everything. I think we both know that we never expected this much attention.”
“It’s crazy. The support you guys are getting is phenomenal.”
He nodded and kept looking at the ground. I could tell something was wrong.
“Harry … why aren’t you looking at me?”
He didn’t say anything to me. He just grasped my hand harder.
“Harry …. Look at me. What’s going on?”
He finally looked at me. His eyes were watery. “El, you realize starting tomorrow, I’m going to have almost no free time. At all.”
“I know Harry …. I figured we could just Skype or you could call me when you had the chance, you know?”
“But that’s the thing, El. I won’t have any free time. What if I can’t call you or Skype you for a long time? I just don’t want you to have to worry about me.”
“I’m always going to worry, Harry.”
“But I don’t want you to. Because I’ll always be gone. And you have university that you need to focus on. Your education is more important than me.”
“Harry, that isn’t true. You know that. I know you’ll be gone. If I didn’t think we weren’t strong enough to handle it, I would have said something by now.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. “You’re right. No matter what, I think our love will overcome this.” He took my left hand and started rubbing the ring around my ring finger. “I bought you this promise ring because I told you I was always going to protect and love you. And I’m keeping that promise. I love you, Elaine.”
“I love you too, Harold.”
---
That was the last time I ever saw Harry Styles. He called me once about two days after that talk, and I never heard from him again. He would never answer his phone and he never got on Skype. I heard so many girlfriend rumors involving him that I just assumed he was dating some gorgeous celebrity model that made him completely forget about me. So I just stopped trying and moved on.
I had a boyfriend of my own named Sam. We had been dating for about seven months when I went through the park that day. He was amazing to me and treated me like I always wanted to be treated. I loved him, but it was never the love Harry and I shared. I didn’t know if ever would have been, but I was willing to try.
Thinking about Sam made me realize I was sitting on that bench for too long. He was waiting for me at the flat. As soon as I stood up, I bumped into someone, which caused them to drop their phone out of their hand.
“Ah, jeez, I’m so sorry about that,” I said, bending down and picking it up for them. When I straightened up and looked at their face, I could feel the colour draining from my skin.
“E…Elaine?”
“……..Harry…”
He took the phone out of my hand and wrapped his arms around me. I just kept my hands to my side. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t believe that the one day I chose to go through that stupid park, he would be there. I figured he would have been at some party or some press event. But he was here, and he was holding me. A million thoughts and feelings ran through me as I just stayed frozen.
He held me for a good minute before he let go. He kept his hands on my shoulders. “God, you look gorgeous.”
I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even look at him in the eyes.
“….Elaine, I think we have some things we need to talk about, don’t you?”
“Y…….ye….” I managed to get out. He nodded and grabbed my hand. His SUV was parked close to the park, and it was surrounded by paparazzi and screaming girls, who were all screaming at me. I couldn’t hear what they were saying though, because I was still in shock from our encounter.
We drove a good 15 minutes around the town to get rid of the followers before we pulled up to some coffee shop. We got out and he led me inside. As we sat down at the table, I realized what I was doing. I was sitting down with my ex-boyfriend who never bothered to call me, who told me he loved me and just left me hanging. I had Sam waiting at home, and I was sitting here with Harry Styles.
Harry was concentrating on looking out the window with a thinking face on. I’m sure he needed to come up with some lame ass excuse as to why he never called. While he was looking away, I studied him. He was wearing this flannel shirt that he didn’t bother to even button up all the way. His undershirt was extremely low and he was showing his what use to be bare chest. Now it had tattoos and a cross necklace on it. His pants looked like he borrowed them from his sister, and his boots looked like he got them from a homeless person. His hair wasn’t the same, either. All the curls that he used to wear seemed like they had lost their volume, but it was still a mess. He looked so much older and so tired, but I guess I could understand why he looked like that.
“I guess I should start to talk,” he finally said to me. I just nodded and kept my eyes on the table. I didn’t want to look at his eyes.
“We talked a few nights after I left. I left my phone at the place we played at. I should have borrowed someone else’s phone to call, but I was busy, and I just didn’t. I never got on Skype because by the time that first tour was over, I figured you were mad at me. Plus, as soon as the tour ended, we got hit with recording and then we went and did interviews and my schedule just got worse. When I finally had an off day, it had been months. I still had no phone. I wasn’t good to you, and I figured it was just for the best you forgot about me. So I just never called.”
I was crying at this point. I didn’t know if I should believe that story he told me. I just kept my focus on the table.
“You were in my mind every day, Elaine. Every single day. I beat myself up for over a year because I know what you must have felt like. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through what you went through.”
I was sobbing now. I gave Harry everything. He was my world. And he just dropped me.
“Elaine, please say something.”
“Harry, what do you want me to say? That I forgive you and we can just forget that this happened? Because I can’t do that. Do you even realize how hard it was for me to just sit here and be watching the television and hear about your latest scandal? Things were so bad for me, Harry that I had to go to counseling services. I loved you so much, and … and you just …..” I couldn’t talk anymore. I had so much I wanted to throw out him, but I just couldn’t.
“I ….. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve me, Elaine. I had the world in the palm of my hand, and I just dropped it all. You were so wonderful to me and I fucked everything up.”
“Harry …. I have a boyfriend waiting for me at the flat. I don’t know if I can stay here much longer.”
When I said the word boyfriend, I notice Harry tensed up. “Oh.”
“We’ve been dating about seven months now. When I realized waiting for what I wanted was stupid, I finally decided to start dating. And then he came along, and he is just perfect to me.”
He just nodded and wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“Harry, you’ve dated since me. I’ve seen the stories. You even dated Taylor Swift. Don’t worry about me. I’m no one. If I was, we…”
He looked up at me. “We what?”
I sighed. “If I was important, you’d still be with me.” I stood up and pushed my chair in. “I’m going to my flat. It’s been a nice talk, Harold, but I just need to go home now.”
He didn’t say anything to me. He just stayed sitting there as I walked out of the store. Luckily the walk back to my flat was only five minutes from the shop we went to, but I cried the whole way there. I was hoping our paths would never cross again, but it happened, and I wasn’t ready for it. Neither was he.
When I got to my flat, Sam was sitting on the couch watching something on television. It smelled like an Italian restaurant in there.
“Did you cook? I asked as I sat down beside him.
“I tried, and I failed miserably at it, so I just ordered some stuff from Big Tony’s Italian House.”
“My favourite place.”
He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “You usually get home earlier than this. What happened?”
I let out a small sigh. “I ran into an old friend and he wanted to talk.”
“He?”
“Yeah …. he.”
“Who was it, Ellie?”
“It…. Um….. Harry. It was Harry.”
He removed his arm from my shoulder. “You saw him?” Sam knew about our past. He hated him. He didn’t like the other guys in the band, either. He thought they were all fake.
“Yeah. He tried talking to me about what happened but I just left.”
“And that’s it? No more of him around, right?”
I nodded and laid my head in his lap. “No more of him.”
But I was very, very wrong.
“I hate this fucking park,” I mumbled as I started to make my way through. It still looked the same as it did that day over two and a half years ago, except the trees had gotten taller and more flowers had been planted. I hadn’t been to this park since that day because I didn’t think I could handle it.
And then I passed the bench. The bench we sat on where it all started, and then where it ended. I stopped and stared at it, just thinking about those two years we were together. It made me dizzy to think about him. I sat down on the bench and buried my head in my hands. Then, all I could think about was February of 2011, when I was in that same spot, but he was sitting beside me.
---
“I love this park,” I exclaimed, holding on to his hand extra tight. I could feel him rubbing my hand slowly with his thumb. He knew that made me feel safe. I looked all around me, observing the scenery of the park. He then led me to the same bench where he asked me out two years ago. We both sat down, still hand in hand, and I looked over at him, but he wouldn’t look at me. He just kept his eyes on the ground.
“I wanted to spend my last day with you here,” he said, softly.
I let out a heavy sigh. “Stop reminding me that you leave for the X-Factor tour tomorrow. You should just stay here with me.”
“I can’t help it, love. Our fans mean everything. I think we both know that we never expected this much attention.”
“It’s crazy. The support you guys are getting is phenomenal.”
He nodded and kept looking at the ground. I could tell something was wrong.
“Harry … why aren’t you looking at me?”
He didn’t say anything to me. He just grasped my hand harder.
“Harry …. Look at me. What’s going on?”
He finally looked at me. His eyes were watery. “El, you realize starting tomorrow, I’m going to have almost no free time. At all.”
“I know Harry …. I figured we could just Skype or you could call me when you had the chance, you know?”
“But that’s the thing, El. I won’t have any free time. What if I can’t call you or Skype you for a long time? I just don’t want you to have to worry about me.”
“I’m always going to worry, Harry.”
“But I don’t want you to. Because I’ll always be gone. And you have university that you need to focus on. Your education is more important than me.”
“Harry, that isn’t true. You know that. I know you’ll be gone. If I didn’t think we weren’t strong enough to handle it, I would have said something by now.”
He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. “You’re right. No matter what, I think our love will overcome this.” He took my left hand and started rubbing the ring around my ring finger. “I bought you this promise ring because I told you I was always going to protect and love you. And I’m keeping that promise. I love you, Elaine.”
“I love you too, Harold.”
---
That was the last time I ever saw Harry Styles. He called me once about two days after that talk, and I never heard from him again. He would never answer his phone and he never got on Skype. I heard so many girlfriend rumors involving him that I just assumed he was dating some gorgeous celebrity model that made him completely forget about me. So I just stopped trying and moved on.
I had a boyfriend of my own named Sam. We had been dating for about seven months when I went through the park that day. He was amazing to me and treated me like I always wanted to be treated. I loved him, but it was never the love Harry and I shared. I didn’t know if ever would have been, but I was willing to try.
Thinking about Sam made me realize I was sitting on that bench for too long. He was waiting for me at the flat. As soon as I stood up, I bumped into someone, which caused them to drop their phone out of their hand.
“Ah, jeez, I’m so sorry about that,” I said, bending down and picking it up for them. When I straightened up and looked at their face, I could feel the colour draining from my skin.
“E…Elaine?”
“……..Harry…”
He took the phone out of my hand and wrapped his arms around me. I just kept my hands to my side. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t believe that the one day I chose to go through that stupid park, he would be there. I figured he would have been at some party or some press event. But he was here, and he was holding me. A million thoughts and feelings ran through me as I just stayed frozen.
He held me for a good minute before he let go. He kept his hands on my shoulders. “God, you look gorgeous.”
I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even look at him in the eyes.
“….Elaine, I think we have some things we need to talk about, don’t you?”
“Y…….ye….” I managed to get out. He nodded and grabbed my hand. His SUV was parked close to the park, and it was surrounded by paparazzi and screaming girls, who were all screaming at me. I couldn’t hear what they were saying though, because I was still in shock from our encounter.
We drove a good 15 minutes around the town to get rid of the followers before we pulled up to some coffee shop. We got out and he led me inside. As we sat down at the table, I realized what I was doing. I was sitting down with my ex-boyfriend who never bothered to call me, who told me he loved me and just left me hanging. I had Sam waiting at home, and I was sitting here with Harry Styles.
Harry was concentrating on looking out the window with a thinking face on. I’m sure he needed to come up with some lame ass excuse as to why he never called. While he was looking away, I studied him. He was wearing this flannel shirt that he didn’t bother to even button up all the way. His undershirt was extremely low and he was showing his what use to be bare chest. Now it had tattoos and a cross necklace on it. His pants looked like he borrowed them from his sister, and his boots looked like he got them from a homeless person. His hair wasn’t the same, either. All the curls that he used to wear seemed like they had lost their volume, but it was still a mess. He looked so much older and so tired, but I guess I could understand why he looked like that.
“I guess I should start to talk,” he finally said to me. I just nodded and kept my eyes on the table. I didn’t want to look at his eyes.
“We talked a few nights after I left. I left my phone at the place we played at. I should have borrowed someone else’s phone to call, but I was busy, and I just didn’t. I never got on Skype because by the time that first tour was over, I figured you were mad at me. Plus, as soon as the tour ended, we got hit with recording and then we went and did interviews and my schedule just got worse. When I finally had an off day, it had been months. I still had no phone. I wasn’t good to you, and I figured it was just for the best you forgot about me. So I just never called.”
I was crying at this point. I didn’t know if I should believe that story he told me. I just kept my focus on the table.
“You were in my mind every day, Elaine. Every single day. I beat myself up for over a year because I know what you must have felt like. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through what you went through.”
I was sobbing now. I gave Harry everything. He was my world. And he just dropped me.
“Elaine, please say something.”
“Harry, what do you want me to say? That I forgive you and we can just forget that this happened? Because I can’t do that. Do you even realize how hard it was for me to just sit here and be watching the television and hear about your latest scandal? Things were so bad for me, Harry that I had to go to counseling services. I loved you so much, and … and you just …..” I couldn’t talk anymore. I had so much I wanted to throw out him, but I just couldn’t.
“I ….. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve me, Elaine. I had the world in the palm of my hand, and I just dropped it all. You were so wonderful to me and I fucked everything up.”
“Harry …. I have a boyfriend waiting for me at the flat. I don’t know if I can stay here much longer.”
When I said the word boyfriend, I notice Harry tensed up. “Oh.”
“We’ve been dating about seven months now. When I realized waiting for what I wanted was stupid, I finally decided to start dating. And then he came along, and he is just perfect to me.”
He just nodded and wouldn’t make eye contact with me.
“Harry, you’ve dated since me. I’ve seen the stories. You even dated Taylor Swift. Don’t worry about me. I’m no one. If I was, we…”
He looked up at me. “We what?”
I sighed. “If I was important, you’d still be with me.” I stood up and pushed my chair in. “I’m going to my flat. It’s been a nice talk, Harold, but I just need to go home now.”
He didn’t say anything to me. He just stayed sitting there as I walked out of the store. Luckily the walk back to my flat was only five minutes from the shop we went to, but I cried the whole way there. I was hoping our paths would never cross again, but it happened, and I wasn’t ready for it. Neither was he.
When I got to my flat, Sam was sitting on the couch watching something on television. It smelled like an Italian restaurant in there.
“Did you cook? I asked as I sat down beside him.
“I tried, and I failed miserably at it, so I just ordered some stuff from Big Tony’s Italian House.”
“My favourite place.”
He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “You usually get home earlier than this. What happened?”
I let out a small sigh. “I ran into an old friend and he wanted to talk.”
“He?”
“Yeah …. he.”
“Who was it, Ellie?”
“It…. Um….. Harry. It was Harry.”
He removed his arm from my shoulder. “You saw him?” Sam knew about our past. He hated him. He didn’t like the other guys in the band, either. He thought they were all fake.
“Yeah. He tried talking to me about what happened but I just left.”
“And that’s it? No more of him around, right?”
I nodded and laid my head in his lap. “No more of him.”
But I was very, very wrong.
10/30/13