Have you ever woken up and wished for death?

Up until this very moment I hadn’t ever had the misfortune of having that feeling and the throbbing headache I was suffering do to the monstrous hangover had very little to do with it.

No it had a lot more to do with the half naked boy laying next to me snoring quietly.

I sat up gingerly and rubbed my eyes as I bit my lip trying to recall what had happened last night.

I remember brief flashes of me dinking at the bar with Cameron and then dancing with Danielle and then with... Harry?

I tried to clear the fog in my head and remember.

Yes I had danced with Harry. Actually I more like grinded on Harry and then he told me he loved me and I was reminded I was pissed again.

I remember thinking I shouldn’t be letting him run his hands all over me, that I was angry at him. I was too drunk to care when he had started to dance with me but after he spoke the spell I was under that made me forget was broken.

I had gone back to the table fully intending to ask someone to take me back to the hotel but Michael had handed me a shot and I had sat with Cameron, the only seat available.

Then it kind of goes fuzzy again until I recalled practically yelling all my bottled up thoughts and feelings drunkenly at Harry while Cameron went off to arrange a ride for us back to the hotel.

I was pissed and upset when we got into the cab Cameron had called but after that its a blur. I had no idea how we got up to the room. I only knew it was my hiding room because of the luggage that was scattered across the floor.

I looked back down at Cameron’s peaceful face and pulled my knees up to my chest.

I wish I could remember what we had done when we came back.

I really hoped it wasn’t what I feared.

I dropped my head to rest on my knees and squeezed my eyes shut. I needed to remember more of my night.

As I tried to run through my thoughts a new memory surfaced. One that I wish had stayed away.

Harry.

Kissing Jena.

The image made my breathing hitch. It made my body physically ache. I tightened my grip on my legs as I tried to will the image away.

He had turned to her so casually. Had placed his lips, the lips I had so wanted pressed against mine even in my anger, against hers.

I never got to see them pull away. I had shoved Cameron out of the chair next to me and practically ran out of the club after they had started kissing.

The one thing that struck me was through all my resentment of what Harry had done, I still wanted him. I still hated the fact that he wasn’t with me and I completely despised that idea of him kissing anyone other then me.

I felt the bed shift beside me but I didn’t move, only pushed my throbbing head farther into my knees.

It wasn’t long before I felt a warm, gentle hand rub hesitantly on my back.

“Dawn?” Cameron’s husky morning voice asked me.

I lifted my face slightly and peeked over at him.

He looked worried about me. Every time I saw that look on his face aimed at me it only made me feel ten times worse then I already was.

It was even worse now because I finally knew what I had to do. I had finally come to a solid decision because no matter what was happening or had already happened, I couldn’t take away these feelings and I couldn’t change my hearts mind no matter how hard I tried.

It just sucked that someone so amazing had to be hurt in the process.

I sat up straight for a second before climbing out of bed and walking over to one of my bags. Cameron’s eyes following me the whole time.

After popping a few painkillers in my mouth I turned to look at him. “I...um... I think I know what I want.”

Cameron just stared at me, trying to decipher the blank look on my face. Apparently unable to do so he got out of bed and stretched before walking over to stand directly in front of me and let his eyes drift over my face.

I looked up at Cameron with tear felled eyes. “Cam...”

He just smiled sweetly. How could I possible say what I needed to say when I knew it was going to hurt this boy.

“I... god this would be so much easier it you were a jerk.” I slapped his chest and he laughed softly.

“You choose him.“ He finally said the words I couldn’t. I looked down and nodded dislodging a few tears in the process. “You’re in love with him.”

“I thought I was pretty lucky to nab you. Then I saw the way you were with Harry and I figured I was lucky to have you for a time, but I knew you were eventually going to end up with him. I guess I was kind of selfish in wanted to keep you for as long as I could.”

I started to all out cry now. Tears freely flowing down my cheeks. Cameron reached up and gently swiped the tears away and leaned in to kiss my forehead.

“I just couldn’t get over him lying to me.“ I sobbed. “I’ve messed it all up.”

“No you haven’t.” He argued placing his hands on my cheeks and making me look up into the green eyes I had first fallen for.

“Harry loves you Dawn. His pride is hurt right now but that doesn’t change the fact that he loves you. And when this tour is over and I’m gone and you start to forget the awkward dork that you hung out with, Harry is still going to love you.”

“Why are you so wonderful? You should hate me.” I demanded as I tried to dry my tears, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes anymore.

“It’s really hard to hate you, Dawn. It sucks that you didn’t choose me but... I guess when I finally stopped trying to delude myself into thinking we would be great together I finally saw how right you and Harry are. He loves you Dawn, more then me or any other guy could. I didn’t like admitting it at first but it’s the truth.”

I smiled despite myself. “Some girl is going to be really fucking lucky with you. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.”

Cameron half smiled at me and pulled me into a hug. “No you’re not. You’ve got Harry.”

I chuckled and pulled away. “It doesn’t make you any less great, Cam.”

He blushed and nodded. “So enough about me. What are you going to do about all of this?”

I didn’t even have the first clue of what I should do.

I could wait until tonight and talk to him at the show, but that didn’t seem that appealing.

Honestly I wanted to tell him as soon as possible, I wanted to tell him before he decided he had enough with all of this mess and went back to Jena. I needed him to know that I wanted him still, despite everything.

That I could forget it all as long as I had him.

“I have to go.” I finally told Cameron franticly looking around the room for fresh clothes, and then I remembered how we woke up. “Urm Cam... we didn’t... did we?”

He laughed and shook his head. “No.” he answered simple and I nodded taking that as enough of an answer.

A few hours later saw me dressed in sweats and a large baggy shirt and my favorite blue Nikes as I ran down the eighth floor hallway.

I managed to pass a very confused looking Niall and Zayn along with Danielle as she made her way to the ice machine with out greeting any of them, but I didn’t care. There was only one person I wanted to see at that moment and he was just around the corner.

I stopped just before rounding it. I needed to compose myself. I didn’t want to look like a psychotic mess.

I took a few deep breathes and ran my fingers through my hair all the while trying to think of what I was going to say.

“I want to be with you.”

The words I was thinking were spoken out loud, but not by me. I recognized that voice and the fact that I couldn’t see him near me made my heart drop.

“I don’t want to keep doing this.” He went on.

Who was he speaking those words to?

I peeked around the corner and it was all I could do not to drop to my knees and cry.

Standing just in front of his hotel room stood Harry and to my complete dismay, Jena.

I couldn’t even hear any other words they were saying to each other. I just looked at both their smiling faces and felt myself break inside.

My hand shot over my mouth to hide the cry of pure agony I wanted to let loose.

I was too fucking late.

I had ruined it.

If I hadn’t have been so angry at his lie I could have done this sooner and we could have been together. I spent all that time blaming him for all of this but it was just as much my fault now.

I had lost him.

And I didn’t even have Cameron anymore.

Not being able to take it anymore I dashed back down the hall the way I came.

Again I ignored all the people I passed, even when Zayn reached out to stop me after taking in my distressed face. I just side stepped him and kept running.

I needed to get out of there. I needed to be alone. I needed to have all these feelings go away. But most of all I needed Harry and he had finally realized that he didn’t have to wait for me anymore.

I slammed my palm into the close door button as I skidded into the elevator praying for it to close before anyone got the bright idea to follow me. I still had my hiding room and although Cameron knew where it was now I doubted he’d tell anyone, at least I hopped he wouldn’t tell anyone.

Just as the doors began to close I looked up.

Zayn was halfway down the hall sending me a questioning look, but my eyes bypassed him as the familiar mop of curls rounded the corned with a look of concern on his face.

All the noise must have made him curious as to what was going on.

I bit my lip as our eyes met and I sighed a breath of relief as the doors finally cut his image out of my line of sight.

I needed a new plan.

Notes

hey kiddies just got back from watching This Is Us and thought I would update. Hope you like it <3