The Mess We Became
Hypocrisy
Two weeks into the tour and Dawn and I were avoiding each other. Not long after our disastrous kiss had I learned she and Cameron were official.
It was the worst moment of the tour when I found out.
Louis and I actually fought because of it. If he hadn’t have dared us then we would still be talking, and some illogical part of me thought she might not be Cameron‘s girlfriend either. I was blaming everything on that kiss and Louis.
As it was Dawn did her job and kept conversations to a minimum, at least with me. Liam and Dawn seemed to be getting on splendidly.
I had avoided Louis like the pelage and spent most of my free time with either Zayn or Niall and Jena. Needless to say the dynamics of the band were thrown off.
Niall and Jena. Those two were another story. Since the night on the bus both had been spending more and more time together, I highly suspected he fancied her.
It was on one of my avoidance outings with Jena and Niall that I finally decided what I had to do as far as Dawn went. Of course it came with a little help from someone I wasn’t really expecting.
I felt like a third wheel. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t like I was paying them much attention. My mind was somewhere else, with a red headed girl who was probably in someone else's arms.
My forehead dropped down to the table top making a smacking sound. The pair across from me sending me alarmed looks. I muttered an apology and waited until they went back to talking to each other before letting my mind wander again.
I wasn’t used to not speaking to Dawn, I wasn’t used to not speaking to Louis either. Everything was just a big mess.
“Hey, I thought that was you guys?”
I groaned internally at the male voice that sounded above my head. I almost didn’t want to look, knowing who would be there but when I heard Niall and Jena greet our visitors I knew I would have to.
Slowly raising my head I looked up at Cameron. I should have known there was a possibility of running into him or any of the other people I was trying to stay away from. We had only ventured as far as the hotel restaurant.
“Hey man.” Niall said politely, but I still saw him glance my way. “Did you want to join us?” Another glance at me out of the corner of Niall’s eye. I knew he was going to ask, he was too polite for his own good.
“Actually no, but thank you. I was wondering if umm,” He looked at me. “If you wouldn’t mind talking to me for a minute?”
What would we have to talk about? Besides Dawn that is, and I was not going to go there with him. I really didn’t want to hear anything he had to say about how great a time they were having with each other.
Even with those thoughts in my head, I was too curious to decline. So with a nod and a quick glance at the two across the table I excused myself and followed Cameron out of the restaurant and into the lobby.
When he spoke to me I was a little surprised. We hadn’t done much talking since we met and that had a lot to do with the fact that I despised him for being able to be with Dawn like I wanted to.
“I know we haven’t really talked and all but I was wondering if you could maybe talk to Dawn.”
My eyes widened. Was he really about to ask me to talk to my best friend on his behalf?
He must have taken the look on my face as an invitation to keep going. “She’s been kind of upset lately and I don’t really know what to do about it. I did notice that you two have been spending less time together and I really hope that’s not my fault.”
He had no idea how much it was his fault. I was interested as to where he was going with this so I didn’t say anything, just stared at him.
He sighed and shrugged at my lack of response but kept speaking. “You mean a lot to her, Harry, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I mean, she means a lot to me too, but I know how important friends can be and I just don’t want her to feel like she has to choose, you know?”
He genuinely looked concerned. I couldn’t deny he cared for Dawn, and I was beginning to feel more like a dick the more time I spent just staring at him.
Finally I cleared my throat and nodded. “She’s not really speaking to me at the moment.” I confessed.
Cameron looked out into the lobby and sighed. “I know and I’m not really sure what’s going on there but I do know she misses you. All I’m asking is if you could please just talk to her, try to work things out. I just want her to be happy again.”
As I watched him plead with me I came to a realization. As much as I wanted to blame everything on him, I realized the Cameron was a genuinely nice guy. Even though it pained me to admit.
“Yea I’ll talk to her tonight then.”
“Great.”
And so went the most awkward conversation I had ever had. But he did help me in deciding that I couldn’t avoid Dawn any longer. I missed her, and as Cameron said she missed me too.
So I had decided to talk to her after the show that night. Thinking maybe I could corner her in the dressing room but when I walked into the room all I was greeted with was Jena giving me an apologetic shrug. According to her Dawn asked if Jena could finish up and ran out of the arena catching the first van back to the hotel.
Now I was standing in front of her door holding a key card I had to charm out of the receptionist at the front desk. Sometimes it surprised me how easy it was to get people to do things for you when you were well known.
Dawn was just behind the door, and I had never been so nervous.
How had we come to this? Not too long ago I wouldn’t have even thought twice about slipping this key in and jumping on her bed. I even knew how she would react. She would give some smart remark about me having my own room and maybe shove me off the bed and we would both laugh and spend the night doing just that.
Now I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I knew Cameron wasn’t in there, I had passed him on my way here, but other then that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when I entered the room.
Jumping on her bed just didn’t seem appropriate anymore. And that thought saddened me.
After a few minutes of just staring at the key in my hand I slid it in the slot and opened the door.
Her room was dark, the only light coming from the TV mounted on the wall.
As I turned the corner I saw her bundled up in the bed, her eyes glued to the tv but it didn’t look like she was actually watching what was on. Then I noticed the tear tracks on her face.
She was crying.
I glanced back at the tv and ruled out it was something she was watching. So what could it be?
She still hadn’t realized I was in the room or at least she wasn’t showing any signs of noticing.
Not until I was lowering myself onto the side of her bed did she look my way.
Her eyes widened and she pulled away slightly, sitting up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
“What are you talking about? There is nothing we need to talk about? Everything is fine.”
She must have realized that her rant made it sound worse, when she snapped her mouth shut and swiped her fingertips under her damp eyes.
“So because there is nothing to talk about, you’ve been avoiding me-” She opened her mouth to speak again but I cut her off by placing my hand over her mouth. “You HAVE been avoiding me, Dawn. I never see you anymore. You’ve been having Jena get me ready for the last week, you walk past me in the halls and you haven’t set foot on our bus since... for a while now.”
Her eyes softened as she reached up to pull my hand away from her face. Even when it was resting in my lap she still held onto it and it made my heart jump the slightest bit. It also made me realize how much I had missed her in the last few days and that I would do anything to make things better again.
Her eyes stayed glued to my hand while her small fingers played with mine. “I’m so confused Harry. I just... I don’t know and talking to you about it is probably the most... awkward thing I have ever had to do so please don’t make me.”
I reached my free hand out to tilt her chin up so I could look into her hazel eyes. “We have never not talked to each other about anything before.”
I was completely aware of how much of a hypocrite I was being but I needed to know what she was thinking.
She stared at me for a long time before taking a deep breath, building up her courage.
“I don’t know how I feel about you anymore Harry, and that scares me. I just want everything to go back to normal.”
For a second it actually felt like someone had punched my in the stomach. I think I might have gasped. When my breathing returned to normal I managed to speak again. “Wha-what do you mean? Like you don’t want to be friends anymore?”
Her whole face showed alarm. “NO! Not like that. It’s just...” She looked down again and this time I let her. “I, god this is so embarrassing, I think I might feel something for you and I don’t know how to react to it.”
It’s funny how hearing words you have been dying to hear for such a long time could actually make you feel worse when they are finally spoken.
She didn’t know how to feel about me. That meant she couldn’t really picture us together. Something that I did regularly, she couldn’t even fathom.
“Harry please say something?” She begged, squeezing my hand.
I must have been in my own head for a bit too long. “I ugh, I don’t know what to say.”
“Do you, maybe feel anything too?”
Here I was presented with an opportunity to say something. To maybe get what I had always wanted but I froze because if I was completely honest with myself I was also scared of what this would mean for us in the long run.
And then her words echoed in my head. I just want everything to go back to normal.
“I... Dawn, I just think we’re better off as friends. We’re good as friends.” I lied through my teeth and I prayed that for just this once she couldn’t tell.
Her mouth hung open and I had to look away as fresh tears sprung to her eyes. She released my hand like it was on fire.
This was better in the long run. She would get over this and stay with Cameron and we would be friends and everything would go back to normal. There would be no risk involved.
“Please don’t cry Dee.” I pleaded when she still hadn’t spoken and the tears were still quietly running down her cheek. I went to reach out and wipe them away but she jerked her head back.
“I’m fine, Harry. I just need a moment. Do you think you could leave me alone now?”
Everything in me was screaming at me to just tell her I was lying, that I had felt something for her for as long as we had been friends but my brain was telling me that things would be better this way.
It wasn’t like I was a master at relationships anyway. Our chances would be slim, I would rather have her like this then not have her at all.
“Harry please.” She insisted when I still hadn’t moved. I nodded weakly and stood. Turning my back on her and leaving as quickly as I could so I wouldn’t open my mouth and say something I would regret.
As soon as I had shut the door I had to take deep breaths to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs into the hotel hallway.
“Oh hey Harry did you talk to her?”
Just the person I didn’t want to see. I nodded with out looking up at Cameron. I should have known he would make an appearance at her room.
“Are you alright?”
Again I nodded, stepping away from the door I had been leaning on.
“Is Dawn okay?”
I shook my head this time, still not saying a word. I didn’t trust my voice.
He rushed towards the door at that answer gripping the handle.
“Cameron?”
I finally managed, as soon as he opened the door with a key he materialized out of his pocket.
This time he was the one to not speak, just look at me, clearly concerned for his girlfriend.
“Take care of her, yea?”
He didn’t even hesitate as he nodded and slipped into the room, leaving me on the outside while he took care of Dawn.
As I forced myself to walk away I kept repeating the same thing over and over again in my head. This is for the best.
It was the worst moment of the tour when I found out.
Louis and I actually fought because of it. If he hadn’t have dared us then we would still be talking, and some illogical part of me thought she might not be Cameron‘s girlfriend either. I was blaming everything on that kiss and Louis.
As it was Dawn did her job and kept conversations to a minimum, at least with me. Liam and Dawn seemed to be getting on splendidly.
I had avoided Louis like the pelage and spent most of my free time with either Zayn or Niall and Jena. Needless to say the dynamics of the band were thrown off.
Niall and Jena. Those two were another story. Since the night on the bus both had been spending more and more time together, I highly suspected he fancied her.
It was on one of my avoidance outings with Jena and Niall that I finally decided what I had to do as far as Dawn went. Of course it came with a little help from someone I wasn’t really expecting.
I felt like a third wheel. Not that it mattered. It wasn’t like I was paying them much attention. My mind was somewhere else, with a red headed girl who was probably in someone else's arms.
My forehead dropped down to the table top making a smacking sound. The pair across from me sending me alarmed looks. I muttered an apology and waited until they went back to talking to each other before letting my mind wander again.
I wasn’t used to not speaking to Dawn, I wasn’t used to not speaking to Louis either. Everything was just a big mess.
“Hey, I thought that was you guys?”
I groaned internally at the male voice that sounded above my head. I almost didn’t want to look, knowing who would be there but when I heard Niall and Jena greet our visitors I knew I would have to.
Slowly raising my head I looked up at Cameron. I should have known there was a possibility of running into him or any of the other people I was trying to stay away from. We had only ventured as far as the hotel restaurant.
“Hey man.” Niall said politely, but I still saw him glance my way. “Did you want to join us?” Another glance at me out of the corner of Niall’s eye. I knew he was going to ask, he was too polite for his own good.
“Actually no, but thank you. I was wondering if umm,” He looked at me. “If you wouldn’t mind talking to me for a minute?”
What would we have to talk about? Besides Dawn that is, and I was not going to go there with him. I really didn’t want to hear anything he had to say about how great a time they were having with each other.
Even with those thoughts in my head, I was too curious to decline. So with a nod and a quick glance at the two across the table I excused myself and followed Cameron out of the restaurant and into the lobby.
When he spoke to me I was a little surprised. We hadn’t done much talking since we met and that had a lot to do with the fact that I despised him for being able to be with Dawn like I wanted to.
“I know we haven’t really talked and all but I was wondering if you could maybe talk to Dawn.”
My eyes widened. Was he really about to ask me to talk to my best friend on his behalf?
He must have taken the look on my face as an invitation to keep going. “She’s been kind of upset lately and I don’t really know what to do about it. I did notice that you two have been spending less time together and I really hope that’s not my fault.”
He had no idea how much it was his fault. I was interested as to where he was going with this so I didn’t say anything, just stared at him.
He sighed and shrugged at my lack of response but kept speaking. “You mean a lot to her, Harry, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I mean, she means a lot to me too, but I know how important friends can be and I just don’t want her to feel like she has to choose, you know?”
He genuinely looked concerned. I couldn’t deny he cared for Dawn, and I was beginning to feel more like a dick the more time I spent just staring at him.
Finally I cleared my throat and nodded. “She’s not really speaking to me at the moment.” I confessed.
Cameron looked out into the lobby and sighed. “I know and I’m not really sure what’s going on there but I do know she misses you. All I’m asking is if you could please just talk to her, try to work things out. I just want her to be happy again.”
As I watched him plead with me I came to a realization. As much as I wanted to blame everything on him, I realized the Cameron was a genuinely nice guy. Even though it pained me to admit.
“Yea I’ll talk to her tonight then.”
“Great.”
And so went the most awkward conversation I had ever had. But he did help me in deciding that I couldn’t avoid Dawn any longer. I missed her, and as Cameron said she missed me too.
So I had decided to talk to her after the show that night. Thinking maybe I could corner her in the dressing room but when I walked into the room all I was greeted with was Jena giving me an apologetic shrug. According to her Dawn asked if Jena could finish up and ran out of the arena catching the first van back to the hotel.
Now I was standing in front of her door holding a key card I had to charm out of the receptionist at the front desk. Sometimes it surprised me how easy it was to get people to do things for you when you were well known.
Dawn was just behind the door, and I had never been so nervous.
How had we come to this? Not too long ago I wouldn’t have even thought twice about slipping this key in and jumping on her bed. I even knew how she would react. She would give some smart remark about me having my own room and maybe shove me off the bed and we would both laugh and spend the night doing just that.
Now I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I knew Cameron wasn’t in there, I had passed him on my way here, but other then that I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when I entered the room.
Jumping on her bed just didn’t seem appropriate anymore. And that thought saddened me.
After a few minutes of just staring at the key in my hand I slid it in the slot and opened the door.
Her room was dark, the only light coming from the TV mounted on the wall.
As I turned the corner I saw her bundled up in the bed, her eyes glued to the tv but it didn’t look like she was actually watching what was on. Then I noticed the tear tracks on her face.
She was crying.
I glanced back at the tv and ruled out it was something she was watching. So what could it be?
She still hadn’t realized I was in the room or at least she wasn’t showing any signs of noticing.
Not until I was lowering myself onto the side of her bed did she look my way.
Her eyes widened and she pulled away slightly, sitting up. “What are you doing here?”
“We need to talk.”
“What are you talking about? There is nothing we need to talk about? Everything is fine.”
She must have realized that her rant made it sound worse, when she snapped her mouth shut and swiped her fingertips under her damp eyes.
“So because there is nothing to talk about, you’ve been avoiding me-” She opened her mouth to speak again but I cut her off by placing my hand over her mouth. “You HAVE been avoiding me, Dawn. I never see you anymore. You’ve been having Jena get me ready for the last week, you walk past me in the halls and you haven’t set foot on our bus since... for a while now.”
Her eyes softened as she reached up to pull my hand away from her face. Even when it was resting in my lap she still held onto it and it made my heart jump the slightest bit. It also made me realize how much I had missed her in the last few days and that I would do anything to make things better again.
Her eyes stayed glued to my hand while her small fingers played with mine. “I’m so confused Harry. I just... I don’t know and talking to you about it is probably the most... awkward thing I have ever had to do so please don’t make me.”
I reached my free hand out to tilt her chin up so I could look into her hazel eyes. “We have never not talked to each other about anything before.”
I was completely aware of how much of a hypocrite I was being but I needed to know what she was thinking.
She stared at me for a long time before taking a deep breath, building up her courage.
“I don’t know how I feel about you anymore Harry, and that scares me. I just want everything to go back to normal.”
For a second it actually felt like someone had punched my in the stomach. I think I might have gasped. When my breathing returned to normal I managed to speak again. “Wha-what do you mean? Like you don’t want to be friends anymore?”
Her whole face showed alarm. “NO! Not like that. It’s just...” She looked down again and this time I let her. “I, god this is so embarrassing, I think I might feel something for you and I don’t know how to react to it.”
It’s funny how hearing words you have been dying to hear for such a long time could actually make you feel worse when they are finally spoken.
She didn’t know how to feel about me. That meant she couldn’t really picture us together. Something that I did regularly, she couldn’t even fathom.
“Harry please say something?” She begged, squeezing my hand.
I must have been in my own head for a bit too long. “I ugh, I don’t know what to say.”
“Do you, maybe feel anything too?”
Here I was presented with an opportunity to say something. To maybe get what I had always wanted but I froze because if I was completely honest with myself I was also scared of what this would mean for us in the long run.
And then her words echoed in my head. I just want everything to go back to normal.
“I... Dawn, I just think we’re better off as friends. We’re good as friends.” I lied through my teeth and I prayed that for just this once she couldn’t tell.
Her mouth hung open and I had to look away as fresh tears sprung to her eyes. She released my hand like it was on fire.
This was better in the long run. She would get over this and stay with Cameron and we would be friends and everything would go back to normal. There would be no risk involved.
“Please don’t cry Dee.” I pleaded when she still hadn’t spoken and the tears were still quietly running down her cheek. I went to reach out and wipe them away but she jerked her head back.
“I’m fine, Harry. I just need a moment. Do you think you could leave me alone now?”
Everything in me was screaming at me to just tell her I was lying, that I had felt something for her for as long as we had been friends but my brain was telling me that things would be better this way.
It wasn’t like I was a master at relationships anyway. Our chances would be slim, I would rather have her like this then not have her at all.
“Harry please.” She insisted when I still hadn’t moved. I nodded weakly and stood. Turning my back on her and leaving as quickly as I could so I wouldn’t open my mouth and say something I would regret.
As soon as I had shut the door I had to take deep breaths to keep myself from screaming at the top of my lungs into the hotel hallway.
“Oh hey Harry did you talk to her?”
Just the person I didn’t want to see. I nodded with out looking up at Cameron. I should have known he would make an appearance at her room.
“Are you alright?”
Again I nodded, stepping away from the door I had been leaning on.
“Is Dawn okay?”
I shook my head this time, still not saying a word. I didn’t trust my voice.
He rushed towards the door at that answer gripping the handle.
“Cameron?”
I finally managed, as soon as he opened the door with a key he materialized out of his pocket.
This time he was the one to not speak, just look at me, clearly concerned for his girlfriend.
“Take care of her, yea?”
He didn’t even hesitate as he nodded and slipped into the room, leaving me on the outside while he took care of Dawn.
As I forced myself to walk away I kept repeating the same thing over and over again in my head. This is for the best.
Hey ladies. Thank you for reading this fic and the sequel is called The Mess We're In. Let me know what you girls think <3
9/6/13