“And what did you say to that?” Vivian demands, shoving another chocolate covered almond into her mouth while she holds back a loud laugh. Yes, she finds both incidents I’ve had with Harry over the past couple of days to be quite amusing. Mostly for my total inability to deal with either of the small stressors.

“I couldn’t get a full sentence out, Vivian. Harry and I know known each other for what—like a month? I had no idea what to say to that,” I respond, referring to how Harry wants to take a couple of days’ worth of vacation to spend with me. On one hand I can’t believe the thought he puts into every aspect of this little relationship we have developed, yet I’m also scared to death. Taking time off work to spend with a girl sounds serious.

Is that what we are? Serious?

I drum my fingers against the place mat at my small kitchen table. When all Vivian does is stare at me through a mouth full of chocolate while she smirks, I huff. “I’m glad you find all this so funny, by the way.”

Chicago is finally starting to warm up, and as I absently listen to whir of the fan overhead, I recall my lunch date with Harry yesterday. Obviously I’ve never been on one of those before, and at points it was stressful but mostly wonderful. I was at the root of most of the challenging things, anyhow, so I don’t know if I should count those.

And when Harry took us unto that little makeshift alleyway… I idiotically become flustered just thinking about it. That was most definitely wonderful and a handful of other starry-eyed adjectives.

Vivian holds raises her palms up in mock surrender and swallows, shifting in the wooden chair across from me and adjusting the cushion Grandma bought for it years ago. “You’re just so cute, the way you freak out about all of this stuff.”

Frowning, I train my eyes on the grain of the table’s wood and the light that glints off its plastic covering. “I don’t want to be ‘cute’ anymore,” I mumble, disheartened.

She nods knowingly, cocking her head to the side in thought. I only wait to see what else she’s going to drop on me, or what else about this situation she’ll find funny. She shocks me, however, when she turns somewhat serious.

“I’ve seen couples go exclusive in weeks of meeting each other, babe. Maybe it’s true love.” She wiggles her eyebrows, and I groan as another shot of fear runs through my chest. Love… I most certainly cannot think about that, not if I want to keep my sanity intact.

“Everything else aside,” she begins to reason after I only blush and look away at her insinuation that Harry and I are in love. Of course, by ‘everything else aside’ she means the silent confrontation I witnessed between Harry and Alex. And my heart. I can’t forget that. “I wouldn’t be surprised if it does go there. It sounds like he’s all over you. Have you had sex?”

“No,” I burst in disbelief at Vivian’s blunt question, and I feel a brief sense of déjà vu as my heart stutters uselessly. Too many people have been asking me that lately. Damn, why do I have to be such a hapless, obvious moron when it comes to all things sexual? If only I could say such things like Vivian does, in full confidence and with a straight face. “God, no. We—we haven’t.”

“Right, I forgot I was talking to Miss Blushing Virgin over here,” she full on cackles now, unrestrained, while I hunch forward and hide my flaming face behind my hands in mortification. “How far have you gone, then?”

“I don’t even know,” I groan, my mind a swimming mess.

Vivian wiggles her eyebrows suggestively again, and I brace myself for what is sure to come. “Ooh. Sounds kinky.”

Evens still, nothing could prepare me for that response, and I shout for my friend to stop already before I have a freaking heart attack, tense and more humiliated than I can ever remember being… and that, that says something. I fight the urge to flee the awkward situation altogether. Thankfully she finally lets up, and after she wipes the tears of laughter from the corners of her eyes she appears to sober up at least a little.

“But I’m only telling you this for your own good, Julia,” She begins, and it’s obvious she might finally be trying to get to her point. She cracks a smile when I peek at her in anticipation. “I’ve heard Harry has a reputation among the ladies, especially since he opened The Castle.”

My eyes widen in what would be a comical fashion if this was any other situation. But I can’t help the utter shock I feel along with fear. Fear and intimidation. Even Vivian knows? When I think about it, though, Vivian is the resident gossip queen. If anyone should know, it would be her.“I’m surprised he hasn’t gone—or at least tried—to go that far with you. I think you should prepare yourself for the possibility.”

Holy crap. Holy crap. Okay, I knew before now that Harry is much more experienced than I am and than he let on, but the way Vivian talks about it construes him as a total womanizer. As innocent as most of his advances have been so far, there’s always been a passionate, desire filled edge to every one of them.

“I can’t believe we’re talking about this,” I mutter, staring blankly at the table again. My body seems to have gone into shock, except for my head which continues to shake in denial.

Then I remember the look that crosses through his eyes whenever our embraces become more heated, like yesterday when he pushed me against the wall, kissed me, and allowed his hands to wander I without doubt got a taste of what he’s capable of yesterday; my legs involuntarily clench together and my breathing turns unstable.

“I doubt it will get that far, anyway,” I say only to reassure myself. I hate how I suddenly see Harry in such a sexual light. This can’t be good at all, and it’s bound to get me into a heap of trouble.

“Oh, please. It’s obvious he’s awesome in bed. You wouldn’t know what hit you.”

In a hasty movement I force my body to stand on jelly-like limbs all while I resist the urge to cover my ears and drown out Vivian’s brazen words like a child.

“Okay. I’m officially done with this conversation.” I shake my head again and turn to put my dish in the sink, my shoulders tense and aching from the day I put up with at work around Alex. I figured with Vivian coming over for a while after work I’d be able to relax, take refuge in that I’m don’t have to spend the time alone. Last night after my lunch date with Harry wasn’t easy. I cried again before I went fell into a fitful sleep, and that hasn’t happened since Dad’s birthday.

So caught up in poking fun at me, Vivian doesn’t fully catch on to what I mean by I doubt it will get that far. No, I couldn’t ever let things go so far without fully disclosing everything to Harry and everything that makes me wrong for him. But, I have to admit, if there was ever a man to get close enough to me in such a way, it would be Harry. And only Harry.

“He’d rock your little world,” Vivian sings regardless, her loud laugh bouncing off the walls of my small kitchen. I accidentally drop my plate into the sink at her proclamation, and it clatters onto the stainless steel in a screech that hurts my ears and only makes Vivian laugh harder.

I concentrate on my heart rate which I can hear in my ears, and nervously adjust my shirt to pull it further down my hips, it having ridden up, and I try hard to calm. I can take this playful ribbing from a friend without having to worry about my heart, easily, but that doesn’t mean I like it. I turn around, crossing my arms; Vivian’s giggles drop off to small gasps of suppressed laughter as soon as I narrow my eyes at her.

“You can shut up now, Vivian,” I manage to bite out while I try to disconnect thoughts of Harry ‘rocking my world’ until I don’t feel as lightheaded from mortification. The only thing I want to do right now is hide away and forget about the possibilities Vivian’s forced on me, if only for a little while and so I can gather my wits.

“I’m only kidding around, babe,” she defends, lighthearted, though I can tell she senses she might have pushed me a little too far. She stares at me, softer now, and I relax somewhat because Vivian’s tone is no longer teasing. That doesn’t stop me from pulling tension-filled fingers through the ends of my curly hair, however, and I hate myself for not being able to laugh it all off. I hate myself from the way I’ve become and how I can’t be truthful to a man who’s grown to mean so much to me.

Grimacing at what Vivian says, anyway, I level her with a slight frown. “Things aren’t that simple between me and Harry,” I have a pain in the back of my throat from even just voicing my guilt aloud. In an anxious beat, I tap the floor with my foot and feel my composure slip just a little. I struggle to find the right words, and I end up losing my mouth in defeat.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Julia,” Vivian begins, sobering in a moment’s notice. She deliberates something after she pauses, and then comes to a conclusion with a hopeful twinkle in her hazel eyes. “But he does deserve to know.”

“I know,” I sigh after a while and chew on my lip in guilty thought. I have to do something about this soon, and I have no idea if I have the nerve to do it right. Is it really my fault that no one new has ever been in my life as long as Harry has for me to even worry over telling them about my heart?

Well, maybe. If I wasn’t so shy and secretive about my health then I mightn’t even have this problem. But I’m here, regardless of whether or not and how I got myself into such a mess in the first place, and now I have to figure out something. I agree with Vivian, I do. Harry deserves to know, he deserves so much more than what I have to offer.

Before anything else can be said on the matter, a brief knock resonates from the front door, and Vivian and I both swivel to look in its direction with confusion.

“I swear, if that’s Alex,” I grumble as I make my way out of the kitchen and through the living room to the front door. Alex ended up cancelling my hesitant invitation to get together tonight and inch Lou’s website closer to completion, and to put it lightly I’m not very impressed.

At least this allows me to spend some more time with Vivian, I earlier reasoned, which is something we’ve really been lacking lately. Since yesterday I’ve been ignoring the ache I feel for the presence and calm that comes along with a certain curly haired wonder, the ache to set things right.

Time with Vivian is still a refreshment, and a needed one.

“I don’t blame Harry for not liking him,” Vivian calls from close behind. “Dude’s always seemed like a snake to me.”

A burst of laughter erupts from the both of us—Vivian has always made her dislike for Alex obvious. I think sometimes that maybe things would be easier if I did, too, if I ever told him how much I resent him for the path in which he led my brother. Who knows what weight would be lifted from my conscience just in doing so, but Alex is my boss and he does help me out when it comes to things like coding, so it would be in my best interest if I keep in Alex’s good graces.

Through the tall, narrow window that runs alongside the front door, I peek out to find an unfamiliar woman waiting on my front step with her arms full.

Full with what I’m not quite sure, her image too distorted to tell through the window panes. I hesitate for a second, in somewhat of a confused daze, and I cast Vivian an unsure look. When all Vivian does is shrug, I chew on my bottom lip before opening the door with a contemplative push.

“Julia Townsend?” The woman sounds pleasant enough, wearing no identifiable uniform so I can’t tell if she works for a delivery company or anything of the sort. If anything, with her pencil skirt and light blue blouse it looks like she should be working in an office. Not delivering flowers…

Flowers. It’s as if my overworked mind only allows me to take in the sight now, of the huge bouquet of what looks to be a dozen soft pink roses held delicately in one arm while she holds two boxes in the other. I dumbly wonder how she manages to knock on my door while carrying all of it.

“Can I—um—help you?” I stutter out lamely, hardly comprehending what’s happening before my eyes.

She grins knowingly, nodding down to the goods. “Delivery.”

Meanwhile, slightly behind and to the side of me Vivian keeps jabbing me in the arm through her excitement, bouncing on her heels with a satisfied grin. I step aside out of shock, dumbfounded.

“Oh, I only wonder who this could be from.” Like always Vivian takes charge, and she moves forward to take the flowers from the woman, balancing them in the same way along with the boxes, the much smaller one resting on top of the larger one.

“Holy crap.” It’s all I can say in my stupor. The delivery lady giggles at my shell-shocked reaction, stepping backward on the porch. As she says goodbye, I managed to gather my senses at least somewhat. “Thank you!”

With an animated shove after we watch her walk down my pathway with confidence, Vivian shuts the door with a slam and looks to me, expression wild and excited with gratification.

“Don’t just stand there,” she says after a beat of resounding silence. My blanked thoughts spring to life all at once and finally, I lurch forward to take the flowers from my best friend’s grasp. I handle the beautiful arrangement with a hesitant gentleness, their sweet aroma slipping up into my nostrils as soon as I’m near. I inhale deeply, pausing for just a moment to take this in, and I think about how this is the first time I’ve ever received flowers. The bouquet of soft, pastel pink roses is huge and breathtaking, each flower fully bloomed and lush with life. Obviously, this is Harry’s doing, and it’s so unlike him, having been so understated in everything else he’s done for me.

It’s clear he wants to make a statement. I snap out of my second trance and mutter that I need to get the flowers into some water while I all but trip back into the kitchen in search of a vase. Vivian follows me again wordlessly. There haven’t been any flowers in this house since Caleb died and Grandma went into care. Perhaps that’s the reason why I haven’t brought any in the house since, because I couldn’t find beauty in flowers sent out of grief.

The bouquet takes up nearly all of the space on the table, and the flowers are like a beacon of light and hope inside the otherwise dim living space. I shakily detach the cardstock attached to the discarded layer of protective wrapping. Several moments pass for my eyes to focus on the neat scrawl, written in red ink and contrasting against the white card.

I’m sorry. Talk to me. H x

As if stunned from pure amazement, I stare at the beautiful arrangement of flowers once more, having not uttered an intelligible word since my stuttered thank you to the delivery woman.

Setting down the boxes next to the vase, Vivian shakes her head once more in disbelief.

“Damn,” she murmurs. “What’d you do to deserve this?”

I ignore her joking comment for just a moment to examine the larger of the two boxes, which is also a pink in color. Upon further inspection, I see it’s labelled from a cake boutique located downtown.

“I can’t believe he did this,” I say and hand the card off to Vivian to read because I know she’s been dying to. I mean… we ended things on an odd note, yesterday, after Harry stared down that girl from across the fountain and I flipped out over something as normal as paying for our lunch. My guilt had just gotten to me, festered for too long, and I didn’t want Harry giving me so much. And then he goes and does this?

Damn. Vivian’s right… damn. After we share another exchange of astonished expressions I sigh and open it. I haven’t even gotten to the other box yet, and already I’m overwhelmed. In both the very best and worst way possible.

Inside the pastry box are a dozen cake pops, all in assorted flavours. I instantly break out in a wry smile; in one of our many conversations Harry and I stumbled onto the subject of pastries and my sweet tooth. Harry raved about this very bakery the cake pops have come from, and was shocked to hear that I haven’t ever tried them before he promised to take me out on, and I quote, a ‘cake pop day’.

He remembered—every inconsequential little thing I’ve told him. But then, I come to realize, I wasn’t so much as excited about trying cake pops as I was about trying them with Harry. Right now? Right now, I don’t even think I can bring myself to try them.

“Oh, I love these,” Vivian exclaims, immediately helping herself to one of the small vanilla coated spheres sprinkled with red candy. “Your boy sure knows the way to your heart. Through your stomach.”

She doesn’t say anything more, closing her eyes in pleasure as she takes a bite. I watch distractedly in amusement. “Holy shit, this is red velvet. Delicious.”

Now I can’t help but to roll my eyes, though without any amount of annoyance. Out of the two of us Vivian is much more ruled by her stomach than I am… I just sometimes like to be a little unhealthy. Sitting down to watch a sappy, longing chick flick surrounded by junk food is sometimes the only way I can get through the day and resist the urge to pull out my hair.

I turn back to the last remaining box, sitting innocently off to the side by the flowers. It’s very shallow, rectangular, and a light blue, topped with a simple white ribbon wrapped into a bow. I eye it warily—I don’t want Harry to waste money on me, which he obviously has. There’s only one type of item that can fit in such a small box, and I swear I’ll refuse the gift altogether if it’s something crazy expensive… though maybe I shouldn’t accept it at all, not in good conscience.

Harry certainly shouldn’t have apologized either. No, I’m the one who’s done something wrong; his indiscretions are minor and pale considerably in comparison to mine. At the end of the day I don’t even care about the girl staring at us the day before or what role she might play in his life, but his avoidance of my questioning does somewhat.

Then again… I’m in no place to judge. I’m sure it’s nothing compared to what I’m keeping from Harry. Yesterday I was more upset over the fact that he was upset, and visibly tense at her appearance. While Vivian continues to indulge on the baked goods I untie the ribbon, and with bated breath I remove the lid.

Only for maybe a half second does my forced calm remain intact before I suck in a sharp gasp and drop the lid onto the table with a clatter, having caught sight of its contents.

I was right. It’s jewelry, but not some extravagant, pretentious diamond-encrusted bangle something or other. Gingerly, I take the pendant from its resting place between the protective tissue paper and on top of the box’s white velvet base. Vivian is for once stunned into silence next to me. It’s a heart pendant, but not just any regular pretty heart. Carved out of a beautiful redwood, its grain runs naturally with slight ridges and grooves nicked into the wood which only seem to enhance the pendant’s beauty. They don’t look out of place in the slightest, and that alone is as jarring as the heart’s most prominent feature.

Etched straight into the wood in a deep cut, a smooth winding line breaks the heart in half, straight up through its center. The sight of its brokenness serves as a figurative punch to my gut, but not just for its meaning and the obvious parallels. While the heart may be broken, it is beautiful, and the deep cut has been cross stitched all the way up with a white thread, fixed as best it can be through all of its irreparable flaws. A thin silver chain attaches to the top of the pendant.

A broken heart—healed. With my free hand I cover my mouth and stare mutely at the intricate piece of jewelry, mind spinning with the possibilities of its meaning to Harry. Everything from its unsmooth surface to the deep rift interrupting the grain… they’re all imperfections, but they don’t take away from the heart’s raw beauty. If anything, they add to it.

After Vivian chews the last of her cake pop in thought and swallows loudly, she shuffles closer and stares down at the pendant with an equally startled expression. Once again, this is an absolute surprise yet I should have come to expect nothing less from Harry by now. It makes total sense, and I’m staggered with the question of how Harry always manages to see, even when he doesn’t have the whole picture.

“Are you sure he doesn’t know?” Vivian asks, quiet and disbelieving.

“Positive,” I breathe. Struck otherwise quiet, I shake my head, caught up in the solid weight of the heart resting in my palm. It’s shocking, it’s beautiful, it’s fitting and it’s perfect. Harry can’t be aware of the entire meaning I find in the natural piece of jewelry, of how much reassurance and comfort I find in that he sees beauty in the most damaged of things.

Like the Uptown. He didn’t stop at the back door in the dirty alley way at the smell of mildew or the sight of the fallen walls obstructing the hallway’s path. He pressed on through all of the ugliness until he arrived at the core of the theatre’s beauty. And then, I wonder, if he would be able to do the same with me.

Would he be able to see past the scars that dress my off-beat heart in a benumbed, impassable layer of defense? Would he find the same kind of beauty in my imperfection, too?

With carefulness I’ve never quite possessed until now I flip the pendant over to get a look at the rest of its grain, only to have the air I sucked in at the initial shock to escape in a tumble until I can hardly breathe. In the very center of the heart, the characters ‘H + J’ are engraved vertically into the wood—right where the laceration lies on the heart’s other side.

The shock is so large that the necklace escapes my grasp and I only manage to catch it just before it has the chance to tumble onto the table along with the lid.

“Julia,” Vivian manages to say, scrambling forward to see the pendant for herself. “Does that say what I think it says?”

Even though she sees it as plain as I do, she has to ask, and I wonder for a fleeting moment if something was slipped into our chocolate almonds and we’re both hallucinating. My fingers trace over the engraved letters, however, just to be sure of their existence, after Vivian finally relinquishes it. I remain silent while she rambles.

“Either he’s throwing mixed signals or you’re incredibly dense, because this guy is clearly into you.”

Yes, Harry definitely achieved the effect he intended by surprising me with all of this. Not only am I guiltier, more confused than ever, but seeing our initials permanently engraved into the stunning wood stirs the warmest, strongest flutters within my heart. A feeling of emptiness too at first, when I can’t let go of my worries and I wish that Harry would have delivered all of this himself. I realize I miss him, then, and how much all of this truly does mean to me. My knees feel weak and he’s not even here. Everything else feels secondary while I recall Harry and how much I love every single moment that I’ve spent with him—even the precarious ones, the sad ones, and the angry ones.

Even the brief arguments, like yesterday. I love his forwardness, my embarrassment. I wouldn’t take back a single moment. A heated flush comes over every exposed part of my skin when I remember yesterday and our heated contact against the building at lunch. I definitely wouldn’t take that back.

I want Harry as much as he apparently wants me, but not once have I made it so obvious as to get our initials engraved into something that will last forever. There are for certain several messages Harry has been sure to get across, and while it’s all so very confusing I’m not sure I want to combat the growing smile that fights to blossom at all of these thoughts, so with a delicate trembling hand I set the necklace back in its box. I turn to Vivian, poised and somewhat calm although it’s the furthest from how I truly feel.

“I’m really into him, too.”

And I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do.

Notes

^^^ Here's the necklace if you're interested in seeing what it looks like. Of course you can picture it however you want, but I just think this is so pretty.

Vivian will say whatever's on her mind, haha. I hope you enjoyed how straight she was with Julia.

Ladies, I love you so much :) Seriously. Thank you so very much for your comments on the last chapter! If you want, please drop me a comment. Thoughts, opinions, predictions? I'd love to hear from you. Thanks again!

There will be lots of Harry in the next chapter... and it will definitely be interesting.