Thanksgiving is coming up soon. My mind drifted off into that night Harry and I talked under the stars. I remember him singing to me and how I felt afterwards. It doesn't really matter much now, how I feel. We talk but it's only small conversations besides when he asked me out a couple weeks ago, but I made up an excuse for whatever reason. I hope he doesn't hate me. My brain can't help but dissect every little thing that's happened since then, and when I feel like everything's going great I always end up doubting it, thinking about all the diffrent possibilitys. My dad always said I think way too much about things but I can't help it. I wish I didn't think so deeply but it's the way I am. And when I was talking with Harry that night I became more open. But now, I'm afraid another thing might have changed. His perspective on me.

"Hey."
"Hi" I said trying to not look him in the eyes. I know this sounds nuts but I feel like he can read my mind when I look at him. I don't need to say anything at all, he just knows how im feeling and what I'm thinking. It's scary yet oddly comforting.
"I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me, try again."
"You don't hate me" I questioned not realizing the words that just came out of my mouth.
"Of course not. Why would you say that?"
"I-I don't know, I just--" I said looking down in defeat, unable to speak any more.
"I don't hate you. I just gave you some space because it didn't seem like you wanted anything to do with me."
"I-I just didn't know what to do" is all I could say.
"It's okay."
"you and violet seem to have gotten pretty close" I said trying to stifle a laugh.
"yeah she's nice, but not as nice as you" he said. I know she is a nice girl but there are moments when things turn and she makes me question whether or not she's on my side. There have been times where she betrayed me-in a way-even though she said she never would.

********FLASHACK********
It was a sunny day the summer going into junior year. It was one of those days where everyone is in the best mood and just enjoying life. Everyone except me. I looked at my Facebook in horror to find pictures of bugs that I was tagged in. Not cute little lady bugs. No. They were nasty and green, I can still picture them on my computer screen.
"what do I say" I typed with tears streaming down my face.
"Be the bigger person, say your peace, tell them sorry if you ever offended them. It's all okay. Don't worry, Im here for you."
I already knew what I should've done. It was just nice knowing I had at least one friend to help me through this mess when my head was spinning from the headache I had. I never get headaches. They are very rare for me, yet I felt like someone took a hammer to my head and left me to die.
"I know, you're a good friend" I replied thankful I could at least count on violet. My sister tried getting involved too but I didn't want her getting involved. So much shit happened in the past and I didn't want that to come into this. Especially when I was trying to clear everything up and smoothen things out.
"We need to talk. I'm sorry if I ever offended you with whatever you think I said but I'm telling you I don't do that. And if I did it was never anything as dramatic as you are making it sound" I typed to Heidi.
"you did. You're ugly, a bitch, and a liar. No one here believes you. Everyone thinks you're fake."
That word makes me cringe. Everytime I hear it I get flashbacks. I knew it wasn't true but after hearing them say it over and over I started to believe it.
"what do you mean? who's everyone? Katrina included who I've barely spoken to in my life?"
"Bethany, Alyssa, kalani," she named about 5 more people. All of them people I thought loved me and would know in their heart this was bullshit. "We know violets with you too" she added.
"For your information she isn't with me. She may be talking to me at the moment but she's not sitting next to me. And so what if she was? Is that so bad? At least I know I can trust her. It's not like we are ganging up on you like your doing to me" I replied with furry and rage flying through me.
All these emotions were too much.
"we aren't ganging up on you."
"obviously you are."
We wrote back and forth for about an hour. Every message stinging me. I'd be lying if I said I never let it influence me when replying a couple times though. It was a mixture of all the emotions coming together to screw me.
Later that night I found out my sister had been messaging them as well. Heidi said shed still be friends with Jackie but not me. And my sister stood up for me. That's the good thing about having a twin. Even if we have the worst fights ever, if one of us is in need, we are there for the other in a second. I loved her to death for doing it, but I knew this action of hers would cause more controversy later on. And it did.
I remember we were sleeping at Violet's house telling stories, opening up to each other, I remember being so nervous because I had the same group of friends for a while and I'm very shy to begin with so the fact that me and my sister were getting to know another girl was just plain nerve racking. But it was fun and she opened up about when she was friends with Katrina telling us about how she would make her and a few other girls sit in a circle and say who the prettiest one was. What a terrible thing. Was I the only one able to see through the lies this girl fed people?! Well, anyways, violet has some issues with Katrina and ended up breaking away from her. She told me she never had an interest in Bethany or Heidi saying they were weird. Yet violet would go back to her for a while before taking another blow again. This has happened a couple times actually. And I was there for her through it all. Sometimes I wonder if violet knows exactly what she's doing and how much I care about her. They still remain friends today...she's even gotten to know Bethany and Heidi. I feel like I've been replaced. Was I just a prop to them?

********FLASHBACK ENDED**********
"So will you come on this double date?"
"Sure sounds great" I said completely unsure of where we were going. I totally blocked him out when I was in my own thoughts. Hopefully he didn't notice.
"Don't forget to bring your mittens and scarf. Wouldn't want that pretty head of yours getting cold, would we" he said smiling.
"Of course not."
"I will pick you up at 8."
"Sounds good" I said with a slight smile. I couldn't really grasp what just happened. Yes, I agreed to go on another date, and i should have been more excited, but this time it was going to be with violet and some other guy.
I kind of wish it was just the two of us...damn it.

Notes

Tell me what you think