The Nanny
Claustrophobia
My mind was exhausted.
It had been a little under a week since the preverbal shit had hit the fan when the children and I had been bombarded at the playground. As a result Harry, Darcy, Jamie and I had all been holed up in Harry's home trying to avoid the ever growing congregation of paps outside the gates of Harry's home.
His home, that for the most part had been a secret location, was now a media hub. Everyone trying to get a good shot of all of us together.
It was one of the topics brought up in the three hour long meeting Harry and I had been subjected to. Along with clearing up the inaccuracies by releasing a statement and farther security measures for everyone involved.
Harry's PR rep and publicist and manager and pretty much a whole slew of people that handled every single aspic of his career, had us seated in a room as they spoke non-stop about future planes to handle our current situation. It was part of the reason my head was throbbing right now.
As I had sat in that conference room trying to keep up with the constant brain storming and calculating, all I could do to keep myself sane in the unrealistic situation was hold on to Harry's hand like a life line.
To his credit Harry was completely focused, nodding when appropriate and adding his own ideas and concerns as the meeting progressed. I could tell this was very important to him, our safety and privacy.
All I could do was squeeze his hand and wonder if this was ever going to die down.
It was insane the amount of media coverage this was getting. Harry was worldwide entertainment news.
As predicted, fans around the globe were losing their minds over this, to be fair it was a big secret and for the most part they were nice about it but there was still quite a few rude tweets and blog post circulating.
It wasn't until near the end of the epically long meeting that Gary, One Direction's lead PR rep, finally reviled their big strategic move.
Major spreads in the popular celebrity chronicling magazines worldwide.
A family portrait, if you will. His words, not mine.
"We can have a family like photo shoot. Harry, Aria, and the kids. Get the story out and have people endeared to the sweet blended family unit they have." Gary's assistant, who I hadn't remembered the name of, had informed. "The publicity would be outrageous."
As he spoke about it I couldn't help but feel apprehensive. I didn't like the idea of our children being used as a publicity stunt.
Next to me Harry tensed and fidgeted with his fingers looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Harry had been a jittery, jumpy mess since last week. He was carful with his words and constantly at my side almost as if he was afraid I would disappear. It was slightly annoying, yet understandable.
I knew it had a lot to do with Rachel and the way things had ended with her. For him it was like reliving the very worst moment of his adult life and hoping for a different outcome. I could imagine that in his mind he was worried I would find this all too much, like she had, and I would leave. What he didn't realize was that I was in a little too deep for that now.
Granted my natural instinct was to run, but Harry made me want to stay... he made me want to be with him.
He made me fall in love with him.
I was much too frightened to tell him so but I was, without a doubt, head over heels for this curly headed wonder. So the very idea that I would leave now, although it might have been an option once upon a time, was completely out of the question now.
But that didn't mean I wasn't still frightened at the idea of having Jamie and Darcy's faces plastered on every major publication and their websites from here to Japan. I knew Harry hadn't been too keen on the idea either.
But once again, Gary's shadow had an answer ready and waiting.
"It's going to be very hard to keep them off of the covers, especially when publications are offering up tons of money for a good shot. None of the photos from the park last week were clear, and at the moment this is the biggest story. If we contract a photographer and select the interviewer ourselves we hold all the control of what gets out and once the pictures are published the demand goes down and the camp grounds outside of your home go away. It's the best option, really, Harry."
I had to admit it made sense.
And even now, as we both sat silently in Harry's Range Rover on our way back home after everything was decided on, I couldn't really find a decent argument against the idea other than my apprehension to the children being anywhere near the lime light.
Harry and I were adults, we could defend ourselves, but Jamie and Darcy were helpless children being dragged into all of this and it made my stomach turn to think of all that could go wrong now by simply going outside.
"It makes sense." Harry's voice broke the silence in the car, pulling me back to the present and letting me know he was thinking the same thing I was. I glanced over at him to see him shift his eyes between me and the road.
"Yea it does. It doesn't make me feel any better about the kids being dragged into this though." I sighed out, throwing my head back into the head rest.
"I don't like that any of you are being dragged into this." His hand blindly searched for mine on the center console before interlocking our fingers and giving mine a squeeze. "You know that I will do everything I can to keep you all safe."
I nodded at his words; it wasn't a secret that my last run in with the paps had frightened me quite a bit. This morning I had a near panic attack just leaving the house with Harry and having to drive through the throng of photographers, something I was not looking forward to doing in the very near future. In fact, I had been having nightmares from it, but Harry was always there reassuring me that everything was okay and his husky deep voice and warming presence did wonders in soothing me.
Luckily for us Darcy had the resilience that only children have and had forgotten the whole scary bit when she realized that Harry was going to stay home more often and Jamie was just his usual smiley happy self.
Once again Harry managed to anchor me back in the present with a squeeze to my hand and a glance my way. "They are going to get us security until this all dies down. I already talked to Paul about getting you someone to keep you and the children safe when you go out. This won't last forever Aria, eventually something else will come along and they will lose interest in us."
I could only hope it happened sooner rather than later.
I didn't really have words for him. Nothing I could say would comfort him because nothing I could think of was comforting me. So I just smiled, hopefully convincingly though I doubted it was, and nodded.
"I'm so sorry about all of this Aria."
I rolled my head on the head rest to narrow my tired eyes at him. "Shut it Styles. It's not your fault."
His sigh was clearly heard over the soft lull of the radio playing as I watched him rub his forehead. "I know but I wish I knew how this all got out."
I wished I had something I could say, something I could do, but all of this was just so out of my league. I had no idea what was going on half the time anymore let alone know how to make Harry, who had a bit more experience with this type of thing, feel better.
"I'm going to make it up to you." Harry suddenly spoke while tapping his hand on the steering wheel in determination and glancing over at me. "I'm taking you out tonight, on a proper date."
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. He wanted me to go out... where they were?
I knew this was teetering on a dangerous ledge of becoming an unhealthy phobia but I couldn't help the panic I felt when I see the men toting cameras and shouting my name.
And that was just when I was involved, I was near convinced I was never taking Jamie and Darcy out of the house again.
"Harry I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean, the press release is being issued today..."
He slowly pulled onto his street, even from here I could see the collection of photographers lining the front gates of Harry's home. I slowly slipped my hand out of his and wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep myself together.
Harry glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes again and pursed his lips as he slowly maneuvered around the vans parked down the road.
"Aria, I'm not going to let them make you fear going outside."
He said in a hushed tone while pressing the button on the small controller to let us in the gates.
If he said anything after that, I didn't hear a word because around us photographers rushed to snap photos through the front windows and slowly I felt myself slip into anxiety mode.
I ducked my head and silently counted the different shades of tan in the vehicles interior as Harry waited for the gate to slide open trying my best to ignore the sound of the rushing blood in my ear. I could feel my heart rate pick up and my breathing become shorter. It was the result of the newly founded fear I was developing.
I hated it.
I hated feeling like this, I hated that they made me so stupidly scared. It would seem silly almost if it wasn't so frightening to me.
"We're almost inside babe." Harry said a slight edge to his voice as he glanced around us. I knew, with all the patience he had, that this was really starting to get to him too. He had never been hounded quite like this before.
And then as fast as it had begun, the shouting and flashing ended, with the sealing of the gate behind us while Harry drove up the drive and to the garage.
I couldn't get out of the now claustrophobic car fast enough, stumbling fingers trying to push the seat belt release and clumsy limbs trying to get out of the seat.
"Aria?"
Ignoring Harry's concerned questioning tone I raced inside the house, not stopping until I was leaned against the small table on the other side of the door. I felt terrible, but that was still something I wasn't accustomed to and it still freaked me out.
Harry followed closely behind me, stopping to let his eyes sweep over me with an anxious expression, I knew his fear was surfacing again, the fear of a memory Rachel left behind, but I couldn't make myself say the words to ease him, not right now anyway.
I needed a moment to breathe and remember they couldn't get in here.
"Aria?" Harry repeated after a few moments where the only sound was my heavy breathing as I tried to control it.
I glanced up at him with sad eyes, slightly ashamed that I had reacted that way.
"No date." I said simply.
Harry eyed me for a second before nodding and taking a step closer to me. "No date."
His arms wrapped around me securely, holding me tightly to him as I breathed in the scent of security on him.
I knew I needed to conquer this sprouting fear because it wasn't something I could get around, dating Harry and as I had already decided, leaving him wasn't an option.
But I didn't even know where to start.
"Daddy! Aria!"
And like that I snapped out of my vulnerability, at least for the most part, as I stepped away from Harry and smiled up the stairs at Darcy as she made her way excitedly down the steps followed by Anne carrying an ever smiling Jamie.
"How did it go, love?" Anne asked as she handed Jamie to me. I just shrugged and kissed my son. Honestly, I hadn't understood the majority of the meeting so I would let Harry fill his mother in. Anne rubbed my back in the soothing way only mothers could and smiled reassuringly at me. "It will work out. Harry won't let anything happen."
I once again, wordlessly replied with a nod as I looked over at Harry who held a giggling Darcy. His eyes locked with mine before he leaned over to kiss my cheek and then Jamie's.
I knew he would do everything in his power to keep us safe in his world but it was everything out of his power that worried me.
But as I watched him with Darcy, and then with Jamie while we all stood in foyer I knew as long as we could leave all that outside the gate we would be okay.
Or at least I hoped.
It had been a little under a week since the preverbal shit had hit the fan when the children and I had been bombarded at the playground. As a result Harry, Darcy, Jamie and I had all been holed up in Harry's home trying to avoid the ever growing congregation of paps outside the gates of Harry's home.
His home, that for the most part had been a secret location, was now a media hub. Everyone trying to get a good shot of all of us together.
It was one of the topics brought up in the three hour long meeting Harry and I had been subjected to. Along with clearing up the inaccuracies by releasing a statement and farther security measures for everyone involved.
Harry's PR rep and publicist and manager and pretty much a whole slew of people that handled every single aspic of his career, had us seated in a room as they spoke non-stop about future planes to handle our current situation. It was part of the reason my head was throbbing right now.
As I had sat in that conference room trying to keep up with the constant brain storming and calculating, all I could do to keep myself sane in the unrealistic situation was hold on to Harry's hand like a life line.
To his credit Harry was completely focused, nodding when appropriate and adding his own ideas and concerns as the meeting progressed. I could tell this was very important to him, our safety and privacy.
All I could do was squeeze his hand and wonder if this was ever going to die down.
It was insane the amount of media coverage this was getting. Harry was worldwide entertainment news.
As predicted, fans around the globe were losing their minds over this, to be fair it was a big secret and for the most part they were nice about it but there was still quite a few rude tweets and blog post circulating.
It wasn't until near the end of the epically long meeting that Gary, One Direction's lead PR rep, finally reviled their big strategic move.
Major spreads in the popular celebrity chronicling magazines worldwide.
A family portrait, if you will. His words, not mine.
"We can have a family like photo shoot. Harry, Aria, and the kids. Get the story out and have people endeared to the sweet blended family unit they have." Gary's assistant, who I hadn't remembered the name of, had informed. "The publicity would be outrageous."
As he spoke about it I couldn't help but feel apprehensive. I didn't like the idea of our children being used as a publicity stunt.
Next to me Harry tensed and fidgeted with his fingers looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Harry had been a jittery, jumpy mess since last week. He was carful with his words and constantly at my side almost as if he was afraid I would disappear. It was slightly annoying, yet understandable.
I knew it had a lot to do with Rachel and the way things had ended with her. For him it was like reliving the very worst moment of his adult life and hoping for a different outcome. I could imagine that in his mind he was worried I would find this all too much, like she had, and I would leave. What he didn't realize was that I was in a little too deep for that now.
Granted my natural instinct was to run, but Harry made me want to stay... he made me want to be with him.
He made me fall in love with him.
I was much too frightened to tell him so but I was, without a doubt, head over heels for this curly headed wonder. So the very idea that I would leave now, although it might have been an option once upon a time, was completely out of the question now.
But that didn't mean I wasn't still frightened at the idea of having Jamie and Darcy's faces plastered on every major publication and their websites from here to Japan. I knew Harry hadn't been too keen on the idea either.
But once again, Gary's shadow had an answer ready and waiting.
"It's going to be very hard to keep them off of the covers, especially when publications are offering up tons of money for a good shot. None of the photos from the park last week were clear, and at the moment this is the biggest story. If we contract a photographer and select the interviewer ourselves we hold all the control of what gets out and once the pictures are published the demand goes down and the camp grounds outside of your home go away. It's the best option, really, Harry."
I had to admit it made sense.
And even now, as we both sat silently in Harry's Range Rover on our way back home after everything was decided on, I couldn't really find a decent argument against the idea other than my apprehension to the children being anywhere near the lime light.
Harry and I were adults, we could defend ourselves, but Jamie and Darcy were helpless children being dragged into all of this and it made my stomach turn to think of all that could go wrong now by simply going outside.
"It makes sense." Harry's voice broke the silence in the car, pulling me back to the present and letting me know he was thinking the same thing I was. I glanced over at him to see him shift his eyes between me and the road.
"Yea it does. It doesn't make me feel any better about the kids being dragged into this though." I sighed out, throwing my head back into the head rest.
"I don't like that any of you are being dragged into this." His hand blindly searched for mine on the center console before interlocking our fingers and giving mine a squeeze. "You know that I will do everything I can to keep you all safe."
I nodded at his words; it wasn't a secret that my last run in with the paps had frightened me quite a bit. This morning I had a near panic attack just leaving the house with Harry and having to drive through the throng of photographers, something I was not looking forward to doing in the very near future. In fact, I had been having nightmares from it, but Harry was always there reassuring me that everything was okay and his husky deep voice and warming presence did wonders in soothing me.
Luckily for us Darcy had the resilience that only children have and had forgotten the whole scary bit when she realized that Harry was going to stay home more often and Jamie was just his usual smiley happy self.
Once again Harry managed to anchor me back in the present with a squeeze to my hand and a glance my way. "They are going to get us security until this all dies down. I already talked to Paul about getting you someone to keep you and the children safe when you go out. This won't last forever Aria, eventually something else will come along and they will lose interest in us."
I could only hope it happened sooner rather than later.
I didn't really have words for him. Nothing I could say would comfort him because nothing I could think of was comforting me. So I just smiled, hopefully convincingly though I doubted it was, and nodded.
"I'm so sorry about all of this Aria."
I rolled my head on the head rest to narrow my tired eyes at him. "Shut it Styles. It's not your fault."
His sigh was clearly heard over the soft lull of the radio playing as I watched him rub his forehead. "I know but I wish I knew how this all got out."
I wished I had something I could say, something I could do, but all of this was just so out of my league. I had no idea what was going on half the time anymore let alone know how to make Harry, who had a bit more experience with this type of thing, feel better.
"I'm going to make it up to you." Harry suddenly spoke while tapping his hand on the steering wheel in determination and glancing over at me. "I'm taking you out tonight, on a proper date."
My eyes nearly bugged out of my head. He wanted me to go out... where they were?
I knew this was teetering on a dangerous ledge of becoming an unhealthy phobia but I couldn't help the panic I felt when I see the men toting cameras and shouting my name.
And that was just when I was involved, I was near convinced I was never taking Jamie and Darcy out of the house again.
"Harry I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean, the press release is being issued today..."
He slowly pulled onto his street, even from here I could see the collection of photographers lining the front gates of Harry's home. I slowly slipped my hand out of his and wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep myself together.
Harry glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes again and pursed his lips as he slowly maneuvered around the vans parked down the road.
"Aria, I'm not going to let them make you fear going outside."
He said in a hushed tone while pressing the button on the small controller to let us in the gates.
If he said anything after that, I didn't hear a word because around us photographers rushed to snap photos through the front windows and slowly I felt myself slip into anxiety mode.
I ducked my head and silently counted the different shades of tan in the vehicles interior as Harry waited for the gate to slide open trying my best to ignore the sound of the rushing blood in my ear. I could feel my heart rate pick up and my breathing become shorter. It was the result of the newly founded fear I was developing.
I hated it.
I hated feeling like this, I hated that they made me so stupidly scared. It would seem silly almost if it wasn't so frightening to me.
"We're almost inside babe." Harry said a slight edge to his voice as he glanced around us. I knew, with all the patience he had, that this was really starting to get to him too. He had never been hounded quite like this before.
And then as fast as it had begun, the shouting and flashing ended, with the sealing of the gate behind us while Harry drove up the drive and to the garage.
I couldn't get out of the now claustrophobic car fast enough, stumbling fingers trying to push the seat belt release and clumsy limbs trying to get out of the seat.
"Aria?"
Ignoring Harry's concerned questioning tone I raced inside the house, not stopping until I was leaned against the small table on the other side of the door. I felt terrible, but that was still something I wasn't accustomed to and it still freaked me out.
Harry followed closely behind me, stopping to let his eyes sweep over me with an anxious expression, I knew his fear was surfacing again, the fear of a memory Rachel left behind, but I couldn't make myself say the words to ease him, not right now anyway.
I needed a moment to breathe and remember they couldn't get in here.
"Aria?" Harry repeated after a few moments where the only sound was my heavy breathing as I tried to control it.
I glanced up at him with sad eyes, slightly ashamed that I had reacted that way.
"No date." I said simply.
Harry eyed me for a second before nodding and taking a step closer to me. "No date."
His arms wrapped around me securely, holding me tightly to him as I breathed in the scent of security on him.
I knew I needed to conquer this sprouting fear because it wasn't something I could get around, dating Harry and as I had already decided, leaving him wasn't an option.
But I didn't even know where to start.
"Daddy! Aria!"
And like that I snapped out of my vulnerability, at least for the most part, as I stepped away from Harry and smiled up the stairs at Darcy as she made her way excitedly down the steps followed by Anne carrying an ever smiling Jamie.
"How did it go, love?" Anne asked as she handed Jamie to me. I just shrugged and kissed my son. Honestly, I hadn't understood the majority of the meeting so I would let Harry fill his mother in. Anne rubbed my back in the soothing way only mothers could and smiled reassuringly at me. "It will work out. Harry won't let anything happen."
I once again, wordlessly replied with a nod as I looked over at Harry who held a giggling Darcy. His eyes locked with mine before he leaned over to kiss my cheek and then Jamie's.
I knew he would do everything in his power to keep us safe in his world but it was everything out of his power that worried me.
But as I watched him with Darcy, and then with Jamie while we all stood in foyer I knew as long as we could leave all that outside the gate we would be okay.
Or at least I hoped.
YOOO!!! IF YOU DONT UPDATE I SWEAR...
9/3/16