When You Let Your Heart Win
"What?" He jerked slightly.
"I kissed Niall." I whispered looking down at him. "I don't know why, I just did it. Probably to get my mind off of everything, but it didn't work..."
"Did you sleep with him?" He cut me off.
"You had sex with my best mate?!" He yelled and pushed me off him.
"Wait, no!" I yelled and got on my knees as he jumped out of bed. "Not sex, just slept."
"Yeah, right." He snorted.
"I'm not a cheater, Louis!" I yelled.
"Fuck!" He yelled and started to pull at his hair.
"Stop." I pleaded and got out of bed and walked up to him. "Babe…"
"Are you into him?" He asked cupping his hands behind his neck, the look on his face is the look that nobody ever wants to see him wear. He was devastated.
"No." I shook my head and grabbed his face. "I'm only into you. I promise."
"Then why'd you…" He stopped and closed his eyes. He couldn't say it and I didn't think I had the stomach to repeat it either.
"I don't know why." I whispered again as I let my hands slide down to his chest. "All this shit is making me go mad and he listened to me, so I guess I just…"
"Don't say it again." He cut me off and backed up and away from me.
"I'm sorry." I apologised, again and fell back into the bed.
"Stop." He shook his head.
"I hate this!" I yelled. "I hate that you have too much faith in someone and don't see or listen to me. And yes I'm an idiot for running to Niall, but he was there and listened to me and I'm… I'm just fucking stupid. I'm sorry. That's all I can say, I know it won't help or fix anything, but I'm sorry."
"Teddy, stop." He whispered. "This is my fault."
"You didn't kiss one of your best mates, Louis, this is nowhere near your fault." I growled and watched him flinch.
"No but I pushed you away and to him. Again." He continued in a whisper as he walked towards me and got down on his knees in front of me. "You swear it didn't mean anything?"
"I swear on fucking everything I believe in." I sobbed. "I had to tell you. He said since we both knew it didn't mean anything, I didn't have to tell you or to let it eat me up, but you kept saying I was perfect and I'm clearly not. I'm a fucking idiot."
"Babe, shit happens." He soothed pushing my hair back, making me look at him. "Still want me?"
"Always." I nodded. "I don't know why you have to ask that."
"Because I'm just as stupid as you." He laughed.
"You kissed El?" I jerked back.
"No!" He laughed and pulled me back. "I swear that's not what I meant."
"I know I just idiotically kissed one of our best mate, but I'll fucking kill you if you kiss anyone that is not me."
"I know." He smiled getting up and plopping down on the bed. "Can we take a nap now?"
"Are we okay?" I asked looking at him. "You're not going to yell at me or make me go sleep on the couch for a week?"
"Bear, I trust you." He said sincerely. "You told me instead of keeping it to yourself. You knew you did something wrong and you didn't act like a twat and keep it from me. I can't be mad at you for being honest. I'd rather you tell me this now than waiting for it to come back and bite you in the arse."
"Who the fuck are you?" I huffed at myself. How can someone be so forgiving? How can that person be mine?
"The bloke that understands mistakes and forgives small ones because he knows he's made bigger ones." He shrugged and reached his hand up for me to take, as I just looked at him in amazement. "Nap time?"
"Yeah." I nodded, exhausted over the last however many hours it's been since I left and just ready to cuddle him. "But seriously, I will fucking kill you, then hang the slag on the London Eye and watch it go round if your lips go anywhere near anyone that is not me."
"My balls will be there with her?"
"Yup." I nodded grabbing his hand and laid down beside him.
"You're all I want, Bear."
After we resolved my technical cheating, that he completely forgave me for, which I'm still in shock and awe about, we fell asleep. We caught up on the sleep that we had missed from the night before because of all the shit and stupidity.
I , of course, woke up first because my body felt the need for a wee and I haven't been able to fall back to sleep since, and that's been well over five hours ago and Louis, well I'm letting him sleep. He needs it, let alone deserves it and plus, I couldn't find the nerve to wake him up.
The last two hours I've been, creepily, sitting in the armchair in our room, watching Louis sleep as I kept thinking. About everything that has happened today, as well as the last year. I find it quite madding with how much my life has gotten over that last year. A normal person couldn't handle the shit I've been put through and I honestly don't know how or why I've stayed this long.
Then the other three hours I've been up, I've been packing, or I've been trying to pack, because I ended up crying most of the time, so it turned into those three hours of packing.
I know I said I wouldn't leave, but I am. I'm going home and gonna spend time with my family and rethink everything. I don't know how long that'll take, but it won't be forever. Everyone knows by now I belong here, with Louis, I just need to get my head back on my shoulders, however that'll happen, and looking at him now, I don't know how I'll do it. How am I going to get up and walk out the door without him? He's my rock, my source to life and happiness, he's my everything and I'm choosing to go home without him while he goes on tour.
"Babe?" I heard him whisper, knocking me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah?" I whispered back.
"Just checking." He sighed rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes before sitting up. "Morning?" He laughed as he looked out the window and saw that the sun was new and shining brightly as it did every morning.
"Yeah." I nodded and looked down at my hands.
"What's wrong?" He asked getting up and out of bed and started to walk, but never got to me. "Teddy?"
"Yeah?" I replied, still in a whisper, still not looking up at him.
"Look at me."
"Teddy Nichole." He growled and dropped in front of me. "Babe?"
"I'm gonna go home for awhile." I whispered picking at the side of my fingers, my vision quickly turning blurry.
"I just…" I stopped. "We need to be apart for a little."
"The fuck we do!" He yelled and lifted my head. "Why are you doing this?"
"Because I need this." I cried. "I don't mean to tell you 'I told you so', but babe, I fucking told you so! It's almost like it's a crime for you to hear me out. I don't know what else to do."
"So you're packing your shit and leaving? Again?" He asked, clearly getting angry.
"I'm not leaving you!"
"This sure as hell looks like it." He laughed and got up and sat at the foot of the bed. "She wins."
"El." He laughed again. "She fucking wins. She did what she practically planned, get us to split up."
"I'm not breaking up with you." I shook my head and started to get angry. "We obviously need time apart but I'm not breaking us up…"
"You just want distance."
"Stop!" I yelled sitting up straighter. "I love you. I always fucking will but you're big headed and just think of yourself most of the time. I'm going through this too, you know. I was practically shut out when it came to everything since we found out El was pregnant. Now that she's not going to be around anymore, of course things will be different but I was still ignored."
"So you think us being apart with make everything better?" He snorted.
"I don't know what else to do!"
"Come with me!" He yelled. "Come with me, as planned and we work on it."
"This is why I left the other night." I shook my head. "Every time something goes wrong with us, you fly us somewhere. Us leaving won't make things better. They'll be here when we get back."
"But you're leaving…"
"I'm going to Donny, you're going to Columbia, those are two different places."
"How long?" He whispered.
"I don't know." I whispered back, partially glad he's, in a sense, understanding me.
"Our year… what about our New York trip?" He looked at me and he looked defeated and that hurt even more.
"That's still three months away, babe." I tried to enlighten him, but he couldn't change his expression even if he wanted to. "I know I should be here for you right now, but I don't know what good I'll be, we're obviously not where we were…"
"New Years." He cut me off. "I know."
"I'm sorry." I apologised for what felt like the millionth time.
"It's fine." He shook his head and grabbed my duffle bag. "Got everything?"
"I'll drive you." He sniffed as he walked out the door into the hallway.
"You don't have to…" I trailed as I followed him.
"Mum needs to know this. The El thing." He shrugged. "They need to know."
"Are you sure you don't want me there when you tell your mum?"
"I need to do that myself." He shook his head. "She's gonna be so heartbroken." He huffed. "Why does she think that was okay? She fucked with so many emotions. What are the twins gonna think? How am I supposed to explain that to them?"
"Babe, I don't mind coming along…"
"I said I need to do it." He spoke softly. "I gotta go."
"Okay." I sighed. "Call me before you go to bed?" I asked grabbing his hand, making him stay with me a little longer.
"You want space, Teddy."
"But you're still mine." I frowned. "Louis…"
"I don't know what you want from me right now." He broke and shook his hand from mine. "You want time apart but you want me to call you?"
"Yes." I nodded. "What's wrong with that?"
"You're basically breaking up with me, yet you want me to call you."
"I'm not…" I stopped and looked away from him. "We've been apart before, what's different?"
"Last time you were here, I didn't know I was ever getting you back and right now, I have that same feeling, just completely worse this time."
"Just see this as I'm going back to Uni and you're going on tour." I tried.
"I can't." He shook his head and looked down at me. "My heart is literally breaking right now."
"Don't say that." I drowned and hugged him. "I'm yours. I'll tattoo that on my fucking forehead for you to understand that."
"You wouldn't do that…"
"I love you." I whispered in his ear as I hugged him harder. "I really do, please don't think this is over."
"It fucking feels like it." He whispered and finally hugged me back.
"Babe, I swear it's not." I sobbed.
"Fuck, Teddy, don't." He slumped his posture before picking me up, my legs wrapping around his waist.
"I know I'm messing with your head right now, and I'm sorry, but I promise I'm yours, I just don't know what to do anymore." I said lifting my head from his neck and looked at him. "I can't lose you forever and if I go with you, it'll happen eventually."
TELL. ME. WHAT. YOU. THINK!