When You Let Your Heart Win
"El's bringing Shay over."
"Awesome." I mumbled swiping past the boring nonstop bogus pages of a press magazine.
"Babe?" He sighed as he noticed my lack of excitement.
"Is she staying the night?" I asked as I continued flipping the pages.
"El?" He laughed. "No."
"I meant Shayla." I fumed sitting straighter and looked straight ahead. Highly annoyed he actually thought I meant Eleanor would spend the night.
"Oh." He stopped. "I guess."
"Where's El going this time?" I asked looking back down at my magazine. The past few weeks El has been dropping Shay off at our place every now and then and her reason why she can't stay or needs to run out for a little has been shit excuses.
"I think she said she has to work." He replied and I snorted. "Bear…"
"So Princess got a job?" I laughed. "About time."
"She can't live off her parents for the rest of her life. She has a baby to take care of now."
"Yeah and she can't live off you for the rest of her life either." I mumbled to myself.
"Nothing." I sighed and threw the magazine on the coffee table before getting to my feet. "I'm going to go make something to eat, want something?"
"I'm fine, but maybe later."
"Okay." I smiled, or tried to smile and walked past him and kissed his cheek quickly, basically trying to tell him I'm not mad at him, I'm just mad period. Ever since since seeing El and Max yesterday, I've become even more suspicious of them.
As Louis did, whatever he had or wanted to do, I walked into the kitchen rooted through the fridge for something to snack on, deciding on various fruits, not wanting to spoil my dinner, that I knew I would have to make whenever Louis decided he's hungry, which would most likely be in an hour. Then just whenever the doorbell rung, notifying us that Eleanor and Shayla have arrived I had to mentally prepare myself to be nonchalant for the night that was to come. As I did, I put portions of strawberries, blueberries and grapes in a small bowl and walked to sorta greet Eleanor and Shay.
"She just had a bottle, so she'll most likely want a nap here in a little." El said as she rushed handing Louis Shayla's car seat and her nappy bag. "Oh, hey Teddy." She smiled as I walked in.
"Hi." I whispered as I automatically looked over at Louis, he was all smiles as he was getting Shayla out of her car seat and kissing her cheeks before poking her cheeks playfully. He loves her and the fact someone will always love him like no other makes him love her even more.
"I'm going to go put her stuff in her room." Lou smiled walking away, not even bothering to make sure I was okay to be left in a room with the girl that has most likely been lying to us the whole time.
"What?" I asked snapping my gaze to her.
"I didn't mean this to hurt your relationship." She whispered, her eyes following me as walked over to the couch with my bowl of fruit.
"Nothing's wrong with my relationship." I rolled my eyes.
"You're pushing him away, Teddy. I see it. I'm here almost every other day and I see it. You've been distancing yourself." She frowned walking over to the opposite side of the couch I was on and sat on the arm.
"Whatever." I huffed.
"Being a single mother isn't easy." How is she keeping calm right now? How is lying to people, to their face, all the time an easy thing? I can't do it, how can she? "This wasn't supposed to happen." She sighed looking down at her hands. "I wasn't supposed to get pregnant around the time my relationship took a massive shit."
"And that's my fault." I nodded.
"It's mine." She shook her head. "I knew he loved you the second I stepped foot into this house three years ago. I was just hoping I could transfer that love over to me. It didn't work."
"Should I congratulate you for trying?" I laughed.
"No." She shook her head again. "Don't push him away because of me. He loves you more than he's ever loved me and you love him more than anything. You wouldn't be crying right now if my mistake didn't hurt you." She smiled sympathetically and reached out for my hand, but I jerked back before she could touch me.
"I'm not crying." I whispered wiping my face.
"I'll come back and get her tonight if you don't want her in the house..."
"She deserves a night with her father." I choked.
"Are you sure? My shift isn't that long." She explained.
"Let them have time together." I tried to smile. "He's going back on tour in a week, he deserves to see her."
"If I find out you're out partying or anything but working, I'll rip your vagina out and shove it down your throat."
"That's..." She stopped and laughed. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
"Don't get used to it." I mumbled getting up and walking out of the room. "You know your way out."
"Where'd El say she was going this weekend?" I asked as I laid in bed beside him. He was casually scrolling through his pictures of Ernie and Doris from his three days he had with them and the smile wouldn't stop growing as he kept telling me about his stay.
Of course I regretted my decision of not going back home with him whenever I crawled into bed or whenever he'd call me goodnight, but I knew this would help me. I need to learn to not be so dependent on him. I am my own person, so I need to get back that person. Plus, if I went, Jay would see right through me and make me spill my guts then try to make everything better.
But as I laid there next to him now, his smile growing and growing as he kept talking about his stay, I couldn't keep my anger in any longer. Eleanor was hiding something. Even though I didn't like it, Louis and I both insisted El and Shay to go to Doncaster with Louis. Jay hasn't seen Shay since she was born, as well as the girls and we both thought it'd be nice for them to go spend some time together, but she made up an excuse, again, and I've had enough of it.
"She said she was taking Shay to see her parents." He replied like it was nothing, as my blood started to boil even more. "Look at that face! Look how much she looks like Dan."
"She was at the restaurant me and the girls went to yesterday." I said ignoring what he said about Doris.
"Oh?" He asked looking over at me quickly. "Maybe she came back early. You know how her and her family are."
"She was with Max." I whispered. "He looked… like a proud father does whenever he holds his child for the first time."
"He held Shay?" He asked, which I responded with a nod. "Oh well." He shrugged and went back to his phone. "He's her best mate, so it's fine. If she trusts him with her, then so do I."
"Did you not just hear me?" I asked sitting up and glared at him.
"Yes, I did, but what's wrong with him holding her? You've held her before."
"Twice." I held up two fingers. "I've held her twice."
"It's seriously only been twice?" He asked sitting up and putting his phone off to the side, giving me his full attention. "You can hold her whenever, Bear."
"That's not the point." I shook my head. "I said he looked like a proud father. The smile Dan had on his face whenever he walked in with Ernie and Doris, the look… the look you have whenever you hold Shay."
"Don't you get it?" I asked raising my voice some.
"He held her, that's nothing to over analyze. Babe, lay down and let's watch a movie and go to bed. I'm knackered."
"No." I fought and got to my feet and started to pace a little. "Are you stupid?"
"Alright." He rolled his eyes and got to his knees, but stayed on his side of the bed. "What'd I do to piss you off? You only insult me whenever I did something to hurt you, what'd I do?"
"You're not seeing that she's not telling us everything!" I yelled at him and he quickly shushed me. "Don't." I warned pointing a finger at him.
"Shayla is next door, so keep your voice down. Please." He motioned to the wall behind me with another eye roll. "I can guarantee we both don't want to deal with a screaming baby right now."
"You obviously don't see it." I threw my hands up. "I don't know why you don't see something is wrong here."
"So you're assuming Shay isn't mine again?" He snorted. "Okay, Teddy."
"You don't even listen to what I say." I growled. "You just see her as the perfect little girl because El says she's yours."
"Once again, El has lied to you where she was supposed to be this weekend and you're brushing it off like it's nothing."
"Plans change, babe."
"Then why didn't she drive up to Doncaster to be with you?" I asked. "She said if she could, she would. She obviously could since she was in a restaurant in London yesterday."
"It doesn't matter." He shrugged. "I'm sure Max called her up whenever she got back…"
"I'm done." I shook my head and turned for the door. "You're obviously not seeing this the way I am."
"Because you're just being a jealous bitch." He fought making me stop right in my tracks. "Shit. Babe…"
"I'm being a jealous bitch?" I asked turning around and looking at him. "I'm not being jealous, I'm telling you what I think and know. Shay is a month old and has yet to grow into one small feature of you. El lies to you about everything, doesn't matter if it's about where she is or who she's with or whatever, she lies. I see it. You just think Shay is the only girl who won't leave you, but what the fuck am I? I'm here, Louis! I've been here and I haven't planned on going anywhere!"
"Now you've planned on going somewhere?" He whispered.
"Yeah." I nodded and his face fell. "To the couch, away from you."
To anyone other than me would probably think I'm over reacting with everything, but I'm slowly giving up. On everything. I see something wrong and nobody else sees it. I don't know if they're seeing it and not mentioning it or if it's just my jealousy getting the best of me or what, but I see something is wrong with this and I'm reaching my breaking point.
I honestly hate to say it, but all of this is making me want to leave for good. Leave London. Leave Louis. Leave everything behind and go home and re-enroll in Uni, get my degree in whatever and be happy, find someone who isn't a famous pop star, someone who doesn't have baby mumma drama and will listen to me when I speak, but everyone knows, my heart knows, my brain, my bones, every part of me knows I belong with Louis and that makes this harder.
Since I hate going to bed angry, and sleeping on the bloody couch, I can't sleep. Even if I wanted to, I know I couldn't, so I agreed to myself that I'm not going to sleep so I got up and went to get a drink or something to munch on, anything to pass the time of this horrible, horrible night but as I was about to walk into the kitchen, I heard Shayla start to cry and decided I should get her and let Louis sleep. He needs it. He's… well we're leaving in less than a week for tour, so he defiantly needs the sleep.
"What are you doing up, bug?" I whispered picking her up and quickly turning off her baby monitor so we didn't disturb Lou. "Are you hungry or do I need to change your bum?" I asked knowing I wouldn't get an answer, but asked anyway.
Somehow I managed to change her bum and make her bottle, with one hand, all within five minutes, the training I had with watching Ernie and Doris forever ago, apparently paying off some.
"I hope you know, even if I hate your mummy and dislike you for the time being, you have an awesome daddy." I whispered to her as I walked back to her room and took a seat in the rocking chair by the window to start feeding her. Her sucking on the bottle and the rocking chair rocking on the floor boards being the only sounds. She's a good baby. The only time she cries is when she wants a bottle, changed or to be held after waking up. She doesn't go through fits whenever she feels like it. She's content and I think it's because she knows, in this house, she's loved unconditionally.
After she was fed and burped, she was now wide awake, I was rocking her and playing with her little fingers, anything to keep her preoccupied and content until she got tired again. "I'm pretty awesome too, so I hope when you grow up you won't hate me." I continued with a soft laugh whenever she started to smile and grunt some. "If you're popping on me, you better start crying and wake up your daddy, because I am not changing your stinky arse. Leave that for blood relatives, kid." I smiled as she smiled even bigger, making her look so much like Eleanor it bugged the shit out of me.
"Bear?" Lou whispered from the door, making me jump.
"How long have you been there?" I whispered looking up at him, then went back to Shayla whenever she whined some.
"Long enough." He replied crouching down in front of me. "She likes you."
"Yeah." I snorted watching him. "Whatever."
"She does." He whispered rubbing her cheek with his finger softly.
"She likes all the attention on her." I whispered. "Remind you of anyone?"
"Forget it." I rolled my eyes and looked back down at Shay.
"How long have you been in here?" He asked after a while.
"An hour I guess." I sniffled. "She started to cry whenever I went to get something from the kitchen."
"I'm fine." I shook my head and wiped my face with the back of my hand that wasn't holding Shay's head upright.
"Talk to me, please." He begged sliding a hand onto the side of my leg and scratched slightly.
"We talk all the time." I laughed.
"Not really." He nudged me. "Not about this."
"When I talk you don't listen." I shrugged. "So why talk?"
"Bear, what are you feeling?" He sighed.
"Teddy, stop holding things back." He pleaded. "You promised you'd talk to me. You just blew up on me not even three hours ago because you're holding back."
"I hate this." I snapped looking up at him. "I hate that I'm the reason a family isn't together. That you have a beautiful little girl to someone that's not me. I hate not being able to help with her or to be in discussions about her." I hiccuped. "I literally feel like a guest in my own home."
"There's no reason why you should feel that way." He scrunched up his face in confusion.
"When she's here, I'm ignored." I rolled my eyes. "I could just imagine how it would be if I hadn't miscarried."
"Then let's try again. I don’t know how many times I have to ask that." He frowned only answering what he knew he could fix before any others. “Let’s try.”
"No." I shook my head. "I'm not taking the chance of being treated like this."
"You won't be treated any different, Teddy." He fought. "What's changed?"
"Do you even listen to me?" I asked.
"I don't want kids right now. It'll look like you're trying to keep me or I’m trying to keep you." I cut him off.
"I am trying to keep you." He empathized, allowing the subject to shift.
"I don't want a baby with you because you want to keep me." I glared at him.
"You're so close to giving up because of this." He whispered, hurt written all over his face.
"Can you blame me?" I laughed and saw he was about to really fall apart. "You're only trying to talk to me now because I'm mad at you. And if I tell you what I'm fully thinking, you'll deny it and we'll be back at square one. There's. No. Point."
"I don't want to lose you." He whispered looking me straight in the eye.
"Well, I hate to tell you, but you are." I shrugged telling him the truth. I hated to say it and to look at the face he pulled, but it had to be said.
"Don't say that." He pleaded as his chin started to quiver. "We're going on tour here soon, it'll be just us…"
"Take her." I fumed.
"Louis, take her!" I yelled slightly and he jumped quickly to take Shay from me as I got up and fled from the room. Not being able to be around him or her for another second anymore. Knowing I had to get out of that house before I literally lost it and I knew I couldn't scream and holler at him while a month old baby is in the house.
Every time something with us goes wrong, his solution is to fly somewhere. Be just us again. It works. It always does. Us being by ourselves. Stuck on an island or a hotel suite, we reconnect and we're back to how we were when we first got together. But by the time we get back home, it starts again. The seclusion. The feeling I don't belong there. That I'm in the way and I can't take it anymore. So I left.
And I don't really know if I have the energy to come back.
Teddy has yet to come home.
It's been well over twelve hours since she left and I don't know what to do.
Shayla has been amazing though. When she cries or grunts, anything to get my attention, I mentally thank her. I thank her because she's taking my mind off of what's actually happening in my life.
Teddy left me. And it's been over twelve hours. My brain is screaming at me 'she's not coming back, you wanker. You mucked up too many times' and I'm believing it. I don't think she's coming back because I'm a fucking twat.
"He… hey." I started but stopped to clear my throat.
"Louis?" El asked through the phone.
"Yeah, are you on your way yet?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm just walking up the drive, you okay?" She asked as I got up and walked to the door.
"We'll talk whenever you get in here."
"Okay, see you… in a minute." She laughed as I opened the front door, both of us dropping our phones from our ears. "You look horrible."
"Didn't sleep." I shrugged moving aside to let her walk in.
"Was she that fussy?" She asked looking around.
"Teddy left last night." I whispered.
"To get away from Shayla's massive lungs?" She asked with a laugh. “I don’t blame her. That little girl has a good set of pipes.”
"Shay wasn't fussy." I answered in a monotone voice making her look at me. "I woke up around three because Shay hadn't cried and I found Teddy talking to her." I laughed. "This, Shayla, it ruined her. Her parents kicking her out, her rape, me lying about the wedding, that's nothing compared to Shay being born. I honestly don't think I have a relationship with Teddy anymore."
"I-I'm... Louis, I'm so sorry." She whispered sitting down on the coffee table. "This is my fault. God, I never thought this would turn out this way."
"You can't get pregnant by yourself, I'm just as much to blame." I huffed walking towards Teddy's old room turned El’s room, turned Shay's nursery, to get Shay and her stuff.
“Shayla isn’t yours.”
I'm done asking for responses from all of you. if you give it to me, you'll get faster updates, but if you don't, you'll get slow updates. so it's all up to you guys now
anyways, why I'm updating now is because I'm at my mom's and who knows when the next time I'll be infront of a computer, so I'm being nice, but seriously, you want updates, COMMENT. if you don't comment, I guess you don't want updates and that kinda sucks for the people who do comment because they deserve to read this and the ones who don't comment, sorry I'm a bitch, but you really don't. so if the sequel happens, it'll be on tumblr and it'll be password protected. the people who comment every update will be the ones to get the password, the others, sorry but you're shit out of luck. I've tried
none of you figured it out yet *evil laughs*
but after chapter 94, Eleanor and Shayla are gone. [if the sequel happens] El will pop in for a chapter, but that's it, so let's all cheer she's gone. story wise and real life wise :D
who do you think the baby daddy is? ;)
what do you want to happen? with Teddy? Louis? El and Shay?
predictions or ideas for the next so chapters?
Niall and Teddy lovers, you'll like the next chapter, because it's ALL THEM ;)
Zayn is still a 'don't not ask me' situation