When You Let Your Heart Win
“Teddy, love, why don’t we go out today?”
“Why not?” She sighed sitting at the foot of my bed. “You could use the fresh air and a better view than this.” She said looking around my room. It may or may not be sorta… fuck it. It’s trashed.
I’ve been staying with my parents for a full six days. Five and a half of those six days, I’ve been in my room, either crying or staring at the ceiling or sitting on my window seat and looking at the back garden. And as I’ve been doing that, I’ve been ignoring everyone’s calls. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone. The boys, Perrie, even Danielle tried, but I just hit decline and waited for another person to try to get me to answer my phone. It hasn’t worked and it won’t work.
“Mum, I’m not going out. I’m not leaving this room unless I need to use the toilet and my the toilet is connected to my room.”
“When was the last time you ate?” She sighed. Can she stop? Like doesn’t she understand ‘her baby girl’ is going through major heartbreak? All I want to do is continue lying in my bed and listening to the depressing music I got on. “Please?” She’s about to beg. “We don’t have to go out now, just tonight? How about that?”
“Teddy, I already planned something and bought tickets.” She argued.
“What tickets?” I asked lifting my head.
“It’s a surprise.” She smiled. “Please, come with me and your father tonight.”
“Dad’s coming?” I asked actually sitting up.
“It was his idea.” She nodded. “Get in the bath and freshen up.”
“What are you saying mum?”
“You stink, Teddy.” She replied with a teasing tone, but honestly, I doubt she’s lying. My body has not touched a bathtub in a few days. What’s the point of looking good if you don’t have anyone to look good for?
“Love you too, mum.” I scoffed and got out of bed. It actually feels weird to walk, let alone stand on two feet.
“Get in there and I’ll throw your bed dressing in the wash so you can sleep in something cleaner.” She said stripping my bed. “I’ll make you something to eat as well if you want?”
“I’m not really hungry.” I stopped and turned towards her. She looked tired and defeated. She’s trying. Harder than I think she should be, but she’s trying. Whether it’s to get me out of bed and into a bath, to get me out of the house, to eat, even to smile, she’s trying and I love her for that. I just don’t feel like doing anything that involves anything but being curled in a ball. “Toast and cheese?” I asked and watched her perk up.
“Noodle?” I smiled.
“It’ll be done by the time you get down there.” She nodded before walking towards the door with my bedding in her hands.
“Yeah?” She stopped and turned to face me again.
“I’m going to soak some, God knows I need to, so don’t rush.”
“Okay.” She smiled and walked out.
Now the awesome thing about my father having a good paying job, he designed this house. When we moved to Doncaster almost eight years ago, this house was literally a piece of shit, me mum and I didn’t even want to step foot into this house, but my father complained and said this house has major potential and somehow talked us into buying this place and in five short weeks, this house was renovated and perfect.
I got to design my room how I wanted, as well as my on suite, so I basically have a master bed and bath, like my parents but my room is Teddy approval and only for me and it’s awesome.
Anyways, whenever I got done in the bath after about an hour or so, I felt better. In a sense, I felt better, I should say. But once I got out and wrapped myself in a massive towel and started to get ready, I stopped because I didn’t know what we were doing.
“Mum!?” I yelled. Nothing, so I leaned over and paused my music and tried again. “Mummy?!” Still nothing. Sigh. So I walked out to my bedroom and stood at the top of the stairs and yelled for her. “Mum?!”
“What?” She called coming into view quickly.
“You always yapped at me because I replied with ‘what’ but it’s okay with you?” I teased.
“Teddy, get dressed, your food’s done and getting cold.” She rolled her eyes and started to walk away.
“Hey! I called you for a reason.” I laughed.
“What is it, Teddy?” She sighed.
“What should I wear?”
“Oh.” She stood up straighter. “Something warm. It’s outdoors.”
“You’re not taking me to the zoo are you?” I whined. “Mum, I’m 21. An adult…”
“We’re not going to the bloody zoo, Teddy. Get dressed.”
“Heeeee.” I held my hand up like a cat’s claws were out and hissed at her. “And I thought I was in a pissy mood.” I huffed to myself and went to get dressed and began to think of what there’s to do in Doncaster that deals with the outdoors.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You’ll regret it later if you don’t go.” My father threw an arm around my shoulders, pulling my jumper down my arm slightly on accident.
“I don’t care.” I growled then started to panic. “Does he know you’re here? Does he know I’m here?”
“No.” My mum cut off whatever my dad was about to respond with. “We’ll be far enough where he won’t be able to see you.”
“I don’t want to be here.” I whispered going to go turn around but my dad tightened his grip on me.
“Teddy, I didn’t raise you to walk away, so don’t you dare start now.” He said getting a little angry. “You love him and you want to be here for him, it doesn’t matter how much he hurt you. You two will be fine.”
“You don’t know that.” I shook my head.
“I know how you feel about him and I know how he feels about you.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“It means more than you’d think.” He smiled and started to walk us… well walk himself and drag me into the arena. This isn’t going to turn out well.
“Please let me go home.” I begged as we sat down.
“No.” My mum said from beside my father. “You need to be here.”
“I don’t need to.” I huffed and looked at the empty row to my right. I can escape. I can do it. I’m going to do it. The second I went to stand up, my eyes traveled to the field and saw the team come onto the field and I automatically spotted Louis. If I didn’t feel like crawling into a ball and cry before, I sure as hell do now.
He looks cute and the looks of it, he cut his hair. Not an extreme cut, just a small trim and he doesn’t have it styled back like he has been for a good while now, so it’s flat against his head. He looks good. He looks excited and happy. That just makes me wonder if he’s been that happy while he’s been indoors and by himself with his thoughts.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I looked up at the sky and groaned quietly before turning around. “Hey El.” I hope my smile doesn’t come off as totally forced.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” She smiled.
“Neither did I until I was forced here.” I nodded and looked back at the field.
“Caleb, let’s go get something to snack on?” My mum looked at my father as I pretty much glared at them both whenever he agreed.
“What?” I snapped my glance to her.
“I’m sorry.” She sighed and sat down beside me. “Louis told me what you said the night of the BRITs was a lie and I understand why you said those things.” She explained. “He also told me what happened and why you’ve been staying with your parents.”
“Yep.” I nodded. “Happy to know we’re not married?” I asked looking over at her. “Well, he’s single now, go get him.”
“I’m not going to try to get back together with him.” She looked at me like she was confused. “He’s barely spoken two words to me since he told me everything.”
“Nice to know.” I rolled my eyes and looked at her whenever she didn’t say anything for a good while. She was texting someone. Shocking.
As she continued to text, I was mentally praying for my parents to come back and to ease the awkwardness that’s starting to fill the air.
“Does he know you’re here?” El asked quietly.
“Do you want me to somehow go tell him?”
“Nope.” I side glanced her as she looked up from her phone and down to the field and got to her feet as fast as she could.
Then it happened.
I looked towards where she was looking, at Louis, just to find him looking up here and smiling, which made me look at Eleanor quickly to glare, but she was trying to hide the fact that she was pointing at me.
There goes the ‘he doesn’t know I’m here’ go right out the window. Well, field. There’s no windows… so, uh yeah.
“Damnit.” I sighed. “You didn’t tell me they were coming.” I whispered towards El as Jay, Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy and Phoebe came up the aisle.
“I didn’t think I’d have to.” El shrugged as Daisy plopped onto my lap and gave me a bone crushing hug.
“How’ve ya been, love?” I smiled hugging her back.
“Good.” She smiled pulling back. “I lost another tooth.” She explained and showed me where her tooth had previously been.
“Wow.” I smiled. “You’re so hole-y.” I joked and watched her laugh, which made me smile all the more. It feels good to smile again.
“Poppet.” Jay leaned down and kissed my cheek. “It’s nice to see you out and smiling.”
“My parents forced me here.” I shrugged and turned back to Daisy. “I didn’t know we were even coming here.”
“I’m sure Lou will be happy you did.” She smiled before moving down two seats to sit in her seat and I started to get even more pissed as everything clicked.
“How long ago did Louis give my parents these tickets?” I looked at everyone.
“What makes you think that?”
“They just happened to get tickets between you all?” I looked at her and glared. “Daisy, get up, please?”
“Teddy, he’s trying.” El rushed.
“Well tell him to stop.” I growled and moved past her just as my parents came back with nachos.
“I’m leaving.” I rolled my eyes at them and moved past them as well.
“Teddy, stop.” My father stopped me as I got into the main aisle way.
“What?” I spun around and looked at him. “You all had this planned. What part of it don’t you all get? He lied to me about something extreme. I can’t and I won’t ignore that.”
“Poppet, he loves you and he feels terrible about it, you have to know that.” Jay defended her son.
“And I’m sorry I’m stupid enough to actually walk into this arena and think it’d be okay.” I scoffed and looked back down at the field, just to see Louis looking up at me. “I just can’t be here.” I whispered, turned around and walked up the steps and towards the exit.
After I got home, I stripped out of my pants and kept my jumper on since it was extremely big on me and sat on my window seat and thought. Like before, but this time, I’m more pissed.
I heard my parents come home and me mum even tried to talk to me, but I ignored her and whenever she finally got the hint that I’m not going to talk, she left and shortly after, they both went to bed, sending ‘I love you’s and ‘goodnight’s my way.
They didn’t say if they won the match or not and of course I didn’t ask. I wanted to know if he had fun and know if he was okay, because from his match he played back in September he got tackled and messed up his knee slightly, but then I realised I didn’t really have the right to know anymore, so I let it go and continued to look out the window. It’s relaxing when it needs to be.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I whispered turning my head to my doorway to make sure my brain isn’t fucking with me, then to look back at the back garden when I saw he really was here. “What are you doing here?”
“Seeing why you left before the match even started.” He whispered walking over to me and went to move my legs, but before he could even touch me, I moved. “Sorry.” He sighed.
“That’s what you’re apologising for?” I glared at him as he sat down in front of me and leaned up against the wall like how I was sitting.
“No.” He looked down at his hands. “I just… I’m so…”
“I don’t care.” I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear another excuse. Actually I don’t want to hear anything come out of your mouth or I’ll just start crying again and I’m honestly tired of crying.”
“Sorry.” He whispered getting up and leaving.
I stared at the spot he sat for the few short seconds and glared at it. That actually pissed me off all the more. He comes here for however many minutes and when I say I don’t want to talk, he just leaves. So much for wanting to be with me.
“Want some tea?” He whispered and made me jump, with two cups of tea in his hands.
“I thought you left.” I whispered grabbing a mug from him as he reclaimed his spot.
“I don’t want to go home just yet.” He tried to smile.
“Why’s that?” I asked. “You should spend time with your family before you go back to Lon…”
“I’m talking about home, Teddy.” He cut me off. “Our home. I don’t want to be there.”
“It doesn’t feel like home.” He shrugged. “It’s not the same when you’re not there.”
“That’s not my fault.” I took a sip of my tea then laid my head back against the wall as I looked back out the window.
“Is this all you’ve been doing since you’ve got back here?” He asked.
“Being so cold? Listening to your depressing music and locking yourself away from the people who care about you?”
“And who cares about me?” I asked looking at him.
“Your parents. My family. They boys. Perrie. Me.”
“You show a real awesome way showing you care.” I laughed coldly. “If that’s how you’re supposed to show affection, I’ve been doing it wrong all along.”
“God damnit, Teddy, I’m sorry.” He fought. “I honestly have no idea how else I can explain it or how many times I have to apologise. I. Am. Sorry.” He continued as he sat his tea down onto the floor and got close to me. “I am sorry I am a shit boyfriend. I am sorry I couldn’t read how you actually felt New Year’s. I am sorry I kept it from you for as long as I did. I am sorry I’m the biggest idiot in this world and broke your heart. I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t take back the fact that you lied.” I sobbed and pushed his hand away whenever he went to touch me. “Don’t.” I growled. “If I don’t get over this, this is on you. I did nothing wrong. Actually no, I did do something wrong. Falling in love with you.”
“Don’t say that.” He shook his head.
“No.” He scrunched up his face. “This is the most you’ve talked to me in about a week. I want to talk this out.”
“Well I don’t.” I shrugged. “I honestly have no idea how you, out of everyone, could do that. You should’ve just kept with what you were saying that night and said no until I got the hint.”
“You don’t get it then.” He shook his head with a slight laugh.
“Humour me why don’t you.” I rolled my eyes.
“Teddy, I said yes, because I wanted… fuck that, I want to marry you. I seriously thought you were going to wake up the next morning not knowing what we did, but you did, I-I felt terrible.”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” I slapped my hands down. “You had almost two months to tell me the truth.”
“Because you were so happy, besides all of the shit Eleanor and Shay is bringing to the table.” He sighed. “You were happy knowing you secretly married me and I was happy that you could look at me and actually smile.”
“You always make me smile.” I whispered not looking at him.
“Not the smile I’ve been wanting.” He whispered back. “Not the smile you put on whenever you’re truly 100% happy.”
“I was ‘truly 100% happy’ with you!” I yelled then regretted it because I remembered my parents were just down the hall sleeping.
“Was.” He shook his head.
“You said ‘was.’” He replied and slammed his head back into the wall and looked at the ceiling. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
“Maybe it’s not fixable.” I shrugged and looked out the window again. It was quiet for another minute or two before I heard him sniffle and take in a ragged breath and it broke my heart. Even more. If that’s at all possible. “Please don’t.” I looked at him and practically begged for him to stop. “Louis?” I whispered feeling my own tears start to fall again as I got to my knees and crawled over to him and hugged him. “You’re making this really hard to be mad at you.”
“Then my misery is worth it.” He whispered into my hair and hugged me tighter than he’s ever hugged me before.
"What do you want to do now?" He whispered before kissing the top of my head. Somehow, between the hug/cry fest, we ended up lying on my window seat looking out at the back garden. Every now and again we’d talk, but it was usually ‘are you okay’s or ‘this seat is bloody terrible on my bum,’ so we’d have to rearrange ourselves every now and then. Not wanting to actually get up and move to the bed because we really didn’t want to move from our spots. To not be this close to each other. It’s just the small things. As of now, his arm is around my waist and my back is pressed up against his chest, it’s completely silent besides the soft music coming from my iHome in the corner playing whatever it’s playing.
"A drink." I whispered back.
"What do you want?"
"All the drinks the pub down the street has." I replied in such a monotone voice, I didn't even recognise it as my own.
"Please don't turn to that." He sighed rolling onto his back, turned me over and pulled me onto him.
"You asked what I wanted." I shrugged and sat up.
"Come here." He scrunched his eyebrows together as I moved off him.
"No." I shook my head and sat back against the wall like I was before he came here.
"Why not?" He frowned sitting up.
"You made me upset, why should you be the one to comfort me?"
"Because I'm the only one who can calm you down." He replied like it was the stupidest question he’s ever heard. "Don't even lie to me and say it's not true."
"I've barely stopped crying since you've got here." I scoffed. "Good work you're doing."
"Then tell me how to fix everything." He grabbed the back of my thighs and pulled me back onto his lap so quick, I couldn't even protest if I wanted to. "Tell me being this close and not doing a thing about it isn't killing you, that just talking to me isn't making what I did subside, even just the slightest. Tell me that you want me to go and not come back and I'll leave. But you better count on me not listening to you about not coming back. I'll drive here every fucking day if I have to just to make everything between us right again."
"Why are you doing this?" I whispered, trying to hold back the tears that were starting to fight there way to the surface once again.
"Because I love you and I fucked up so bad, I'm trying to fix it before you actually do give up hope on us." He replied sliding his hands from the tops of my thighs to my back and pushed me towards him. "I love you."
"I love you too." I whispered back just to see him breathe out a sigh of relief and to smile.
"Will you kill me if I kiss you?"
"I-I don't think tha-that's a goo..." I stuttered out until he shut me up with a soft kiss. "…d idea." I finished my sentence with my eyes closed whenever he pulled away.
The second I opened my eyes and looked at him, I saw the lad I fell in love with. Louis, idiotic, Tomlinson from Maths class, even though I didn’t know I loved him back then. My best friend who turned into the best boyfriend I've ever gotten. I saw the hope in his eyes what that small little kiss gave him and even though I want nothing to do with him, this lad, that I'm sitting on, is my world. I can and will not ever deny that.
"What?" I whispered grabbing ahold of some of his shirt in my hand.
"Please let me do that again." He whispered moving his hands to the side of my face and made me look at him, really look at him.
"O-okay." I stuttered slightly before he sat up straighter and pulled me closer to him and pushed his lips back to mine as one of my arms went around his neck and held him to me and the other gripped the back of his hair and held him to my lips. Wanting to feel him close to me again, is an understatement.
Whenever he pulled away to take a breath, he slid his arms to my back again and down to my bum and picked me up. And in the inside, I started to panic the second my back was placed onto my bed and his lips returned to mine.
Within a short amount of time, my jumper was off and laying on the floor as he started to kiss my collarbone while his hands moved down my sides and slipped his fingers into the hems of my knickers.
"Stop, stop, stop." I rushed.
"What?" He asked, a little breathless, as his hands stayed where they were, but froze.
"I ca-can't do th-this." I covered my face with my hands and sobbed, which made his hands move from my waist and up to grab my wrists and try to pry them from my face.
"Teddy?" He sighed, and I'm guessing by the movement my bed made, he sat up. "Bear, it's okay."
"No it's not." I shook my head and moved my hands so I could look at him. He looked so broken. "Why does this feel... if we continue, why does it feel like this will be the last time we do this?" If he didn't look broken before, he sure as hell does now. "I can-can't do that to mys-myself."
"I fucked us up so much." He laughed at himself and moved from between my legs and sat up against my headboard. "I'm not getting you back, am I?"
"I..." I stopped and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I can’t see it happening right now, I’m sorry."
honestly, every single one of you need to go thank jasyjas18
i don't get how none of you thought to do what she just did
it is a little unfair, but when someone wants an update, they do shit like that :D
this time, you don't have to hit a certain number of comments for another update
because i actually have to write now
but yeah, give me good comments, please? :)
even though you hate me :)