When You Let Your Heart Win
I’m terrified. It’s probably two in the morning and I can’t sleep even if I tried. I’m so freaking terrified Jay is going to slap the shit out of me because I married her son without her knowledge and she’ll never forgive me. I’m over thinking and it’s stressing me out and all I want to do is eat a lot of ice cream.
“Stop thinking about it.”
“I thought you were sleeping.” I jumped at the sound of his voice.
“I can practically hear the gears in your head working overtime.” He mumbled wrapping an arm around my waist and pulled me back against his chest. “Everything will be okay.”
“You said her text was angry.”
“I did not.” He laughed. “I said she used extra exclamation points.”
“Same thing.” I slumped. “She’s pissed. We’re going to tell her we’re married and she’s going to hate me. She’ll be like ‘you married my son and you didn’t inform me, you stupid bitch. I thought of you as a daughter and you run off and get married behind my back.’”
“She’s not going to say that.” He laughed. Like he actually laughed at me. He thinks my misery is funny. Awesome. “She’ll most likely yell at me more than you, even though she has no reason to yell at you.”
“It was my idea!” I yelled flipping over and looked at him. “I kept pushing you to do it even after you said no time after time.”
“But I ended up saying yes, now didn’t I?” He smiled.
“Yeah, just to make me happy.” I snorted.
“I did not.” He argued. “I said yes because I wanted to say yes. Please stop thinking I don’t want you.”
“A lot of people in my life doesn’t want me, so it’s hard to realise the people who do want me.” I whispered moving closer to him.
“Trust me, I want you.” He whispered close to my face before kissing my nose. “Now please try to get some sleep.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head. “You can though. Don’t let me keep you up.”
“Babe, I won’t be able to sleep knowing you’re thinking so much.” He fought and pushed my hair back. “What can I do?”
“Rip my brain out.” I half joked.
“If I do that, you’ll regret it.” He smiled holding me against him and rolled us onto his back. “Just relax.”
“I can do that.” I whined laying my head on his chest. “I’ll be comfortable and think about everything.”
“Then listen to my breathing or my heartbeat.” He suggested. “Think of that. Only that.”
“God, I love you.” I smiled and lifted my head and kissed where his heart was before I laid back on him and listened to his breathing, as well as his heartbeat.
Within ten minutes, I was calm enough and falling asleep to the calmness of him radiating off him and into me. And before I fell asleep, I thought about how I got the best guy in this entire world. It’s refreshing to know I found someone who cares about me with their whole being, someone who won’t leave me because I made a wrong decision or because they trusted a rumour. It’s nice to be loved like you’re the only thing left in the world.
“We’re not stopping anywhere, Teddy.”
“Please?” Is it sad that I’m begging for him to pull over at the next place that has food?
“She’s not going to hate you.” He laughed.
“Yes she is!”
“She’s going to hate me.” He shook his head. “Just relax.”
“Again, I can’t.”
“Just let’s get this over with.” He sighed reaching over and grabbed my hand. “The faster it’s over, the better for your anxiety.”
“And well being.” I mumbled.
We’ve been on the road for two hours now. Another half hour, we’ll be at Louis’ house. With his mum and her yelling and the closer and closer we get to her house, the heavier my breathing gets. Like what if she’s totally against Louis getting married so young? Like she got married younger than both of us and she didn’t get her happily ever after and like maybe she feels that’s what’s going to happen with me and Louis. Or maybe she’s against it because she thinks he needs to be with Eleanor. She is having his baby and all. After having Erine and Doris, her hormones have been crazier, so maybe her opinion about me has changed and she wants her son with the mother of his child and wants them to get married.
I’ve seriously gone mad.
“No you haven’t.”
“You haven’t gone mad.” He laughed.
“I said that outloud?” I slumped in my seat.
“You pretty much said your whole rant out loud.” He laughed again and squeazed my hand. “My mum won’t want me to marry El unless I want to marry El. Believe it or not, my mum loves you like mad.”
“I can’t help but think every possible bad thing that’s about to happen in… how much longer?” I stopped and looked at him.
“Five minutes or less.” He shrugged.
“What?” I squeaked.
“You’re stressing too much, babe.” He looked over at me briefly before looking back at the road. “You ranted for like twenty minutes straight.”
“Oh my God.” I sighed slamming my head back against the headrest. “I’m going mad. Just turn around.”
“No.” He laughed.
“Louis!” I whined. “Then pull over and let me out.”
“No.” He laughed harder. “It’s freezing out and you’re not wearing a jacket.”
“Then give me yours.” I’m pathetic.
“We’re here anyways, so give it a rest.”
“Oh my God.” I think my stomach just fell into my bum as I looked out the windshield and saw the front door open and Jay walk out. She didn’t look pissed, but then again she didn’t look happy.
“You go.” I waved. “I’ll stay here.”
“Teddy?” He looked at me like I was a moron before getting out of the car and walking over to my side and opened my door. “I’m sure this will be short and sweet.”
“You two.” Jay said making us look towards her. She was pointing at us. Fuck, she means business. “In the house and explain. Now!”
“Can I run now?”
“No.” He sighed looking back and me. “I love you.”
“I love you.” I smiled unbuckling my seat belt and turned towards him.
“I now have the feeling this is going to be bad.” He sighed stepping back and helping me out of the car.
“Welcome to my thinking.” I tried to joke as we started to walk up the walkway and saw Jay walk into the house.
“Seriously, I love you and I apologise if this goes horribly wrong.” He gulped quite loudly, which just made me more nervous.
“Let’s just hope our brains are over reacting.” I tried to make him smile, but the closer and closer we got to the living room, the more panicked and worried he looked.
“What is going on?” Jay practically spat at us before our bums even thought about touch a couch cushion.
“I… babe, she’s your mother, you say it.” I started but stopped quickly. She’s his family. It’ll be normal if she chews his arse. Better his than mine. Jesus, I’m a pussy.
“Someone talk now.”
“It’s not bad, mum.” Lou tried to laugh it off, but with the way his mum is looking between the both of us, he’s getting a more and more nervous. “Uhm…” He stopped and looked at me.
“We got married in Cambodia.” I blurted it out.
“You two got married?!” She emphasized her full sentence.
“On New Year’s Eve. We made it into the new year.” I smiled. Trying to ease the tension.
“You two got married?” Not working. She asked again, but this time with a little more anger.
“No.” Lou cut me off.
“What?” I laughed and looked at him. “Yes we did.”
“No we didn’t.” He shook his head as he looked at his hands.
“Louis, explain. Now.” Jay pretty much growled. She’s not a happy camper at thee moment.
“Technically, yes we did, but I asked the actual priest to allow a decoy to marry us.” He sighed looking at me.
“Are you serious?!” I yelled getting to my feet.
“Babe, you were drunk, I wasn’t going to let that be your wedding.”
“But for almost two months, that was my fucking wedding!”
“Teddy, calm down.” Jay whispered stepping closer. Her tone totally different than what it was a minute ago.
“No!” I yelled glancing at her quickly, then looked back at her son. “You lied to me for a month and a half. You let me believe I actually got you for the rest of my life, but you lied.”
“You do have me for the rest of your life.” He rushed stepping closer to me as I stepped back. “I just wanted to make sure you were sure.”
“And when did you know I was sure?” I looked at him like I could rip his face off.
“The next morning?” He tried to shy away.
“And maybe you could of got up the next morning and said, ‘hey babe, last night we didn’t really get married, let’s go now,’ instead of letting me believe I was your wife!”
“I asked you then if you really wanted to marry me, and shockingly you lied then.” I laughed looking around if I dropped anything, which I didn’t because I only brought my phone and my outfit doesn’t have pockets.
“Teddy, I didn…”
“Save it.” I shook my head and walked towards the door.
“Poppet, where are you going?” Jay sighed following us.
“Anywhere but around him.” I spat.
“Teddy, you don’t have anywhere else to go, just stop.” Louis sighed and grabbed my hand, but I quickly snatched it away.
“I’ll go to my parents.” I thought at the top of my head. “They knew this would happen.”
“But nothing happened.”
“Exactly.” I agreed as I walked out the door and slammed it in his face.
What an awesome day I’m having.
“Mum?” I whispered whenever she opened the door.
“Teddy?” She frowned pulling me into a hug.
“Can I please stay here for a while?” I cried into her shoulder.
“Of course.” She pulled back, pushed my hair out of my face and looked at me. Really looked at me. “Did you get married?”
“Yes.” I nodded.
“Louis paid a fake pri-priest.” I cried covering my face.
“Come inside.” She sighed grabbing my arm softly. “Caleb?”
“Go make some tea, please?” She called out to my dad as we walked into the living room.
“Why…” He stopped as he walked in a saw me. “What’d he do? Did you marry him? I’ll kill him.”
“Please don’t.” I begged.
“What’d he do?”
“They got married, but it wasn’t real.” My mum explained. “I’ll take it he let you believe it was real for…”
“A month and a half.” I finished for her.
“When?” She asked sitting us down.
“New Year’s Eve.” I hiccuped. “In Cambodia.”
“Was it his idea?” My father growled.
“No.” I shook my head. “It was mine. He only went with it because I forced him too. But afterwards he was so happy. Why’d he let me believe we were really married?”
“He probably didn’t want to hurt you, Teddy.” My mom sighed. “That boy loves you just as much as you do…”
“Then he wouldn’t of lied to me for this long.” I spat. “He would’ve just told me straight up the next day or he’d buy me an engagement ring and we’d start planning the real thing, but no. He wanted to do everything after Shay was born.”
“That’s a good idea, Teddy.” My father said sitting down on the coffee table and took my hand.
“I even told him to let’s try for a baby.” I whispered.
“And he said?”
“He was happy about it. He asked me before but I always said no because I thought I was too young, but after I told him I wanted to marry him, I wanted everything.”
“Are you pregnant?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I don’t feel any different. I’ve had my period every month, I’m not extra moody or eating more. I’m just the same old Teddy.”
“Just now slightly broken.” My mum whispered.
“How would you feel if dad lied to you about getting married?” I asked her.
“I’d be devastated.” She sighed. “I understand that, hun.”
“But dad’s not Louis?” I asked with a huff. “Dad’s way better than Louis. Dad didn’t get another girl pregnant. Is that it?”
“Save it.” I cut her off. “I’m going upstairs.”
“I’m done talking.” I cut her off. “Call me whenever dinner’s ready.”
The second I got in my room and safely behind the door, I slid down the door and cried.
I don’t understand anything that is going on in my life. Everything is pretty much shit. Actually no, everything is shit. I have nobody to turn to.
I spent a good amount of time by my door, before I got to stiff and had to be on something more softer, so somehow I collected myself, got to my feet and moved onto my bed to continue my cry fest.
I’ve missed this bed. I’ve missed this house actually. I miss my parents. I just miss everything.
It’s funny to see all the things I’ve left behind and forgot in the three and a half years I’ve been in London. For an example, my teddy bear collection. Throughout my life, whenever my father went out of town for a business trip, he’d always bring me home a teddy bear with a little shirt on it with the precise location he was at. I have a Sydney, Australia; Paris, France; I even have a teddy bear from St. Louis, Missouri the whole way from the United States. You gotta love having a father that’s a diplomat.
Anyways, I spent a lot of my time in my room crying and whenever I finally got tired of listening to myself cry and sniffle, I grabbed my phone and put on the heaviest music I had on my phone.
“A Skylit Drive.” I smiled for once. There’s nothing better than listening to ASD whenever you’re in a mood.
After a few songs, my crying had subsided and my breathing calmed, I started to listen to the lyrics I haven’t listened to in a good four or five months and a set of lyrics from Said & Done hit me good, I actually felt like I needed to put it on twitter. So that’s exactly what I did.
“@TeddyNichole: ‘How unfortunate it took so long to realise
You're full of shit if you think that I am letting this go
And when all is said and done you'll be the one alone’ <3”
“@makaylahoran: @TeddyNichole huh?”
“@TeddyNichole: @makaylahoran it’s lyrics from an A Skylit Drive song x”
“@leddyupdates: please stop asking me if Teddy and Louis got married. I don’t know if it’s true or not.”
“@leddyupdates: Teddy was just spotted at her parents’ house. Something bad has happened”
“@leddyupdates: @letmalikdance do you pay attention to Teddy? She hasn’t been around her parents since her and Lou got together. The person who told me she’s there said she was crying”
Great. Now everyone is going to know.
“Teddy?” My mum called.
“What?” I called pausing my music so I could hear her.
“Can you come down here?” She asked as I rolled out of bed and walked and stood at the top of the stairs.
“We’d like to talk to you.” She smiled softly up at me.
“I’m not in the mood.” I shook my head and just before I went to turn around, Louis appeared down at the bottom of the steps.
“Bear, come down, please?” He whispered.
I didn’t answer in words, I just started to cry again, shook my head and turned back around to go to my room.
“Babe?” He sighed climbing the stairs.
“Go away!” I yelled slamming my door and cursing my parents for not giving me a lock for my door.
“Bear, please?” He begged from the other side.
“Go away.” I cried leaning my forehead against the door.
“You honestly think I don’t want to marry you?” He whispered.
“You paid a fake priest, Louis. I’d say you don’t want to.” I growled hitting the door and backing away from it like it was lethal.
“I will take you to the fucking courthouse right now if that’s what you want.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I don’t want anything.”
“Go away.” I continued to shake my head and paced around my room.
“I want to marry you.” He opened the door quickly and pulled me into him. “Don’t you dare think I don’t. I just didn’t believe you at first.”
“Get off, please.” I begged, my tears starting to fall faster just because he was touching me.
“No.” He growled. “I’m not letting you go and I’m not letting you push me away.”
“I don’t want you here.”
“Please say that to someone who believes you.” He laughed grabbing my face. “I want to do this right.”
“We did do it right.” I whispered grabbing his wrist. “You messed it up.”
“You messed us up.” I cut him off.
“Then let me fix it.” He begged dropping his hands to my waist and held me to him.
“You can’t.” I shook my head.
“Don’t do what I think you’re about to do.” He whispered leaning his forehead onto mine.
“I’m staying here for awhile.”
“Don’t.” He growled.
“I have enough clothes here, so I’ll be okay.”
“Go home, Louis.”
“You are my home.”
running far, far, FAR away now
tell me what you think while i’ll go into hiding
oh, but just look at this
(his eyeballs = clutching my heart and going into cardiac arrest)
(forget the words, look at that smile. i died)
well, except that i don't have a penis....
so uhhhh, yeahhh
i hope that made you somewhat more happier
love you xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
ps, the concert i was supposed to go to last night was A Skylit Drive
just wanted to throw that out there :) x
thank you for 200,000+ views :')