The next couple days it was dark world. Fans would cry. The guys would cry. Eleanor and Austin would. And I would cry. I wouldn't get out of bed. Louis might be with me but he's not here… alive… with me. I stopped caring for everyone. I didn't eat for like 3 days. If I got up it was only to use the restroom. Simon made it a regular thing to come see us everyday. He's suppose to Be visiting in 5 mins. Everybody was getting better.I wasn't. I keep thinking that he's gonna walk right through my door and tell me every things gonna be alright then maybe crack a joke. But in reality he's probably just my imagination playing with my head. This is all probably bad dream. I pinched myself and it hurt. "no please be a dream!!??" I pinched myself over and over again until I had a sore spot on my arm. I looked and seen the scars. My other arm looks to plain. I thought 'maybe a little mark wouldn't be so bad would it???' I got up and made my way to the bathroom. I turned the knob and it broke!! After 30 mins of frustration I fixed it. I opened the door and walked in. I made sure nobody was looking or upstairs before I shut it and locked it. I had a sick feeling in my gut. It was a family feeling. Butterflies of what I'm about to do. I had to puke now. I rushed to the toilet and threw up. After I got done I was out of breath and ready to go back to bed. 'No. I won't!!!' i thought. I fought up enough energy to stand up and close the tilt lid then flush it. I sat on the toilet lid with my head in my hands… crying. All this was my fault for wanting to meet Simon. Louis wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me. I'm a horrible person. I don't deserve to live. I'm ugly. I'm pathetic. No wonder Niall wanted to divorce me. I don't deserve to have such a beautiful little girl, wonderful friends, and the most perfect husband. I don't deserve any of this. Nobody wants me around. All these went through my head. Im a shame to my family. I screwed the band up. I pretty much killed someone almost caused the band to split up THREE times!! Now I'm pretty sure the band will go their own separate ways. They all big plans to still be together, get married and have their children grow up with the others children. That could still happen but it will never be the same. All these things went through my head. I totally forgot that I was in the bathroom or what i was doing until i saw the scars. I then remembered. I used all my energy to grab the blade and sit on the ground. I looked down and back at the blade. I heard a high pitched British voice whisper "hey. It's ok. I told u not to be upset. I'm fine. WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!!!!!!" "I'm so sorry Lou" "don't be sorry u did nothing. U gave me a couple more seconds to be alive and I'm grateful for that. Thank u. Give Eleanor and Austin a hug for me tell them I love them for me to. " " I will" "so hows your head?" "still hurts but its better…ALOT better. " he chuckled and said "good. Now I have to go but don't hurt yourself ok?" I sadly nodded. I cant believe I just lied to him. Nobodies stopping me. Im ready just to do this. I felt sick again I went to the to toilet and threw up. I lost all my energy again. Something tells me something really doesn't want me to do this. After a hour of arguing with myself over this. I decided. I examined the spot I targeted. I slowly put it to my wrist. I barely touched it when I started crying as memories came back…

I tried to stand and decided to wash off my arm. Before I got enough energy to stand up. I heard that one voice that I hurt so many times. Niall. "WHAT DID U JUST DO KAYLA!!!!!???" I broke down into tears again and said will shaking my head rapidly then sobbing " I'd not know anymore… I'm sorry ". I began beating on the ground crying my heart out. I was confused by the meaning of my life, angry at myself for putting everybody through this all and sad because they had no idea what i was going through…

* flashback *

I closed my eyes and slowly cut myself. It hurt. I have no idea why I do this. I guess it makes me feel like I'm taking the pain away from the others. I now know why Niall wanted a divorce. I was with Zayn. I know Niall is a little jealous of Zayn don't ask me why because he has no reason to be. I guess he thinks I'm gonna leave him for Zayn. Well no offense but h*** no!! I'm not interested. I think ill talk to him about it later…

*end of flashback*

"Niall why do u still stay with me?! I'm a screwed up mess!!!!!" he lifted my chin before kissing me "because your worth it. You are mine and I'm yours. No one is ever gonna change that. I love you and it's always gonna stay that way. I know I've been selfish in the past but that was only because when u were dating Zayn. I wanted that to be me. I have always wanted u. Ever since we met. I wanted to make u mine forever. Im gonna go ahead and tell u why I wanted the divorce…" he bit his lip. I looked in his eyes. They were filled with tears. I saw some tears go down his face. Meanwhile my face was already ou would be better without us. I was wrong. That's the reason I tried to stop u from getting into the car. All this is my fault." I laughed sort of and said "well nope it wasn't your fault I got hit by that car…" Niall looked away "wait that was yours too!!!!???" he slightly nodded and said " I can't believe I'm gonna admit this but… I…wastheonewhohityou" I shot up "WHAT?!!!!!!" he got up and said "I'm sorry it was a accident. I seen on the news that you were being mobbed so i got into my car and drove there but I was to late to be super man. Zayn beat me… then I lost control and hit u…" all this new and horrible information is too much on me. Niall just told me he hit me with his car!!!! how am I suppose to react to that!!!!?? I need to clear my head and to be away from everyone and everything. Hey wait what about a trip to Sydney, Australia!!? I'll call Simon. Wait why when he's here. I asked Niall "Ok umm this might seem a little off topic of what we are going through but is Simon here???" I heard another deep British accent say behind me "yes I'm right here" I saw him. I shot up and pretty much attacked him by hugging him. He chuckled and said "are u ok?" "yes may I talk to u in PRIVATE!!!??" "why certainly why don't we go outside??" I nodded. " we all need to talk after I talk to Simon" we both walked down stairs and out the door. "ok so what's up?" "are u going to Australia anytime soon?" "no why are u wanting to use the house again?" "yes if u would let me??" "ok how long?" "only for two weeks. I need time to think about everything…" "ok then here u go then!!" he handed me the house keys. That was easy. I hope I made the right choice...