Scratching Off the Ink
Confession
When they arrived at her flat, Zayn took a seat on her sofa as she made him a bag of ice.
“Place this against your nose for about twenty minutes and then I’ll give you some pain meds.”
“Why do you have pain meds?”
Joey threw an exasperated look at him. “Really now? I’m a girl, you know. We have these monthly things that give us crazy doses of pain.”
“Oh.”
Joey burst into a fit of giggles at Zayn’s sudden awkwardness.
“So…” he said in a nasally voice as he pressed the bag against his nose. “Who was that guy?”
The fit of giggles silenced and Joey placed herself next to him on the couch. She glared at her coffee table and realized there were lots of smudges on them. She would have to wipe it down later on.
“Joey?”
“I heard you.” she responded, obviously unable to avoid what had just happened back there. “No one you need to worry about.”
Zayn narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t give me that crap. I didn’t just get my nose busted over someone I don’t need to worry about.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this.” she said faintly.
“Too bad, because now I am physically involved.”
Joey frowned with her eyebrows slightly furrowed.
“Nope. Not gonna work on me, spill it.”
Joey sighed and sunk further into the sofa with her eyes closed. “He’s a friend of Frank’s. He…uh…he was drunk one night while I was at a house party and he confessed his love to me. You know, because drunk people say stupid shit. I rejected him immediately and as Bradley was acting all creepy desperate Frank walked in and caught him. Bradley then tried to blame the whole thing on me as if I led him on. Frank ended up giving him a scar on his face from a beer bottle. Surprisingly…they made up and became mates again.”
“But he still held hostility towards you?”
“Obviously!” she said. “I mean, I don’t know too many guys who take rejection well. That’s his problem, though, not mine. I’m sure he showed up on his own. Frank isn’t the type of guy to send other people to do his dirty work.”
“One more thing.”
“Mhm?”
Zayn was quiet for about a minute, keeping close eye contact with Joey. “When you said ‘you don’t know half the things Frank has done to me’ it was more than a slap and a punch to the face wasn’t it?”
If Joey’s skin was light enough, she would be paling at his statement. Instead, her eyes darted across her flat and her fingers rapidly trembled. How was he able to read into things so well? Why is he so good at prying into her personal life? Why did he care so much? At this point, she didn’t feel happy that someone cared enough to ask her these questions. She was struck with fear for the fact that she had no control over how far this man would become present in her life, public and private. He seemed to slither his way into everything, and he won’t stop.
“Joey, please answer me.”
“Zayn, stop. I can’t do this anymore. You know too much and I can’t deal with this.” Joey snapped. She abruptly rose to her feet and went to her medicine cabinet in her bathroom to get the pain medication. “Take these and leave.” she said as she shoved the bottle into his chest.
“Joanna, don’t do this.” Zayn pleaded.
“You need to go.” She dragged his arm towards her door.
“Stop, just listen to me!”
“No. I’m through with listeni—“
She heard something plop to the ground and all of a sudden her vision spun until all she could see was Zayn’s eyes. And his slightly parted lips. And his perfectly disheveled hair.
Her hands were pinned to the wall, his knee pressed against her thigh to keep her immobilized. Joey’s heart thudded against her chest and she could feel the blood pumping in her ears. She tried her best to breathe normally, but slow and ragged breaths escaped her lips.
“I know that we just met last week.” Zayn started. “I know things are going faster than you expected them to. But please, don’t shut me out. I want to know what ills you. I want to know you.”
Her bottom lip trembled as she turned her head away from him. “But you even said it yourself. We just met last week, why are you so fucking attached? You are asking for information that my best friends, the friends I’ve known for four years don’t even know.”
“Sometimes you don’t need to know a person for four years to trust them. I’ve only known Perrie for a year and yet I trust her with information I don’t trust with my bandmates.” Zayn explained.
Joey didn’t say anything.
“The first time I met you I saw something in your eyes that told me that you needed help and every time I see you I see that same something. I see that you are holding something to yourself that will consume you if you don’t let people in.”
Joey snarled. “How do you know it’ll consume me? I’ve been perfectly fine before you walked into Tainted Dragon. I was getting on with my life and now it seems as though the more I talk to you the more my mind resets back to where it used to be.”
Zayn released her hands and she let them drop to her sides. “Look at me.”
“Look at me.” Frank whined.
Joey squeezed her eyes shut.
“Please, Joanna.” Zayn continued.
“Please, Joanna, please!”
Joey slid her body down the wall and collapsed to her wooden floor. She held her breath, hoping that would keep her tears from bursting out. She clenched her fists as her body quivered.
She felt a gentle hand push the hair out of her face. “Don’t be afraid. I won’t judge.”
She slowly let out her breath and along with it came the trickles of tears. He gingerly curled his fingers around her hands and led her back to the sofa. He sat her down and sat down right next to her, his body facing hers. She refused to cry on him like she was some melodramatic girl from a romance movie. She quietly wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath. Her nose was already clogged but she would deal with it. “He raped me.”
Zayn’s eyes widened. “Oh my god…”
She pinpointed her vision on Zayn’s collar. “He did it on multiple occasions. It wasn’t anything extremely violent, which is why I probably let it continue. But whenever I protested he would ignore me. He wouldn’t let me leave and eventually…I succumbed to him. So is it even really rape?”
Zayn remained quiet. She appreciated it because at this moment, all she wanted to do was to vent.
“I mean, I guess Bradley was right. I am disgusting. I say no to Frank and yet I take pleasure out of it. I always feel guilty afterwards and whenever I expressed these feelings to Frank he would say I was being a pussy. He said that I didn’t love him. He would say that if I really didn’t want it then I would have struggled harder. Maybe he’s right. I mean…”
She paused to sigh and to briefly close her eyes before continuing. “There were a lot of times where I did willingly have sex with him, sometimes I even initiated it. But it was after that night Bradley confessed to me that Frank changed. He would just mentally torment me.” she chuckled dryly. “He’d make me feel like shit about myself and say no other man would want me. Oh, but HIS love was true! So ‘don’t ever leave me!’ he would say.”
She poked her tongue with her cheek and then sniffled. “And the worse thing is that after all that crap he put me through I still have feelings for him. I still find myself struggling not to go back to him. I said to you that I didn’t want to become a domestic abuse sob story. Well guess what? I’m ten times worse! I’m a fucking masochistic lunatic.” her voice cracked.
She sighed and rubbed her eyes. She eased her head on the headrest of the couch. She was finished ranting. She let out all the things that were conflicting her since…since a long time. And for whatever reason, she felt lighter. She was not completely weighed down by gravity as she had been for the past month. For the past year.
She felt Zayn’s hand rubbing circles on her back. “You didn’t deserve anything that you went through, Joanna.”
She sniffled again. “Yeah…”
“I mean it.” Zayn growled. “What those men did to you—what they are still doing to you is disgusting. And the worst part is that you’ve been suffering through this alone.”
“It’s my fault for having a bad judge of character.” she murmured.
“Joey, stop. It isn’t your fault at all. They are the ones who are wrong. You were just duped. But you know what’s really awesome?”
“What?”
Zayn smiled softly. “That you left him. You had the knowledge and strength to say you were done with this lifestyle and you left. You say you still struggle with going back to him, but you haven’t done so yet! You should be proud.”
A small smile cracked through Joey’s face. “I suppose so.”
“And now you have me to help you get rid of those feelings permanently. If you ever feel that you are slipping or if you’re ever in danger,” Zayn emphasized the last two words. “You can call on me.”
Joey laughed while shaking her head. “Zayn, what is wrong with you?”
He threw her a questioning look. “Huh?”
“Do you throw yourself to help all strangers like this?”
Zayn laughed and gave her a tight squeeze. “You’re not a stranger anymore.”
“Zayn?”
“Mhm?”
“Thank you.”
He smiled at her. “You’re welcome. Now, do you need anything from me for the rest of tonight?”
Joey shook her head. “You’re free to go.”
She walked him to the door and picked up the bag of ice and pain meds she gave him. She unscrewed the cap and handed him two pills. Her swallowed them and drank the melting water in the bag to wash it down.
“Ew.”
He grinned. “I’ll see you later.”
“See you later.”
She closed the door behind him and then stood there for five minutes. She then mobilized to her bedroom, shrugging off the form-fitting dress and then flopping on her bed in just her undergarments. She was drowsy from the tears, and tonight, she craved to slip into her subconscious.
“Place this against your nose for about twenty minutes and then I’ll give you some pain meds.”
“Why do you have pain meds?”
Joey threw an exasperated look at him. “Really now? I’m a girl, you know. We have these monthly things that give us crazy doses of pain.”
“Oh.”
Joey burst into a fit of giggles at Zayn’s sudden awkwardness.
“So…” he said in a nasally voice as he pressed the bag against his nose. “Who was that guy?”
The fit of giggles silenced and Joey placed herself next to him on the couch. She glared at her coffee table and realized there were lots of smudges on them. She would have to wipe it down later on.
“Joey?”
“I heard you.” she responded, obviously unable to avoid what had just happened back there. “No one you need to worry about.”
Zayn narrowed his eyes at her. “Don’t give me that crap. I didn’t just get my nose busted over someone I don’t need to worry about.”
“I really don’t want to talk about this.” she said faintly.
“Too bad, because now I am physically involved.”
Joey frowned with her eyebrows slightly furrowed.
“Nope. Not gonna work on me, spill it.”
Joey sighed and sunk further into the sofa with her eyes closed. “He’s a friend of Frank’s. He…uh…he was drunk one night while I was at a house party and he confessed his love to me. You know, because drunk people say stupid shit. I rejected him immediately and as Bradley was acting all creepy desperate Frank walked in and caught him. Bradley then tried to blame the whole thing on me as if I led him on. Frank ended up giving him a scar on his face from a beer bottle. Surprisingly…they made up and became mates again.”
“But he still held hostility towards you?”
“Obviously!” she said. “I mean, I don’t know too many guys who take rejection well. That’s his problem, though, not mine. I’m sure he showed up on his own. Frank isn’t the type of guy to send other people to do his dirty work.”
“One more thing.”
“Mhm?”
Zayn was quiet for about a minute, keeping close eye contact with Joey. “When you said ‘you don’t know half the things Frank has done to me’ it was more than a slap and a punch to the face wasn’t it?”
If Joey’s skin was light enough, she would be paling at his statement. Instead, her eyes darted across her flat and her fingers rapidly trembled. How was he able to read into things so well? Why is he so good at prying into her personal life? Why did he care so much? At this point, she didn’t feel happy that someone cared enough to ask her these questions. She was struck with fear for the fact that she had no control over how far this man would become present in her life, public and private. He seemed to slither his way into everything, and he won’t stop.
“Joey, please answer me.”
“Zayn, stop. I can’t do this anymore. You know too much and I can’t deal with this.” Joey snapped. She abruptly rose to her feet and went to her medicine cabinet in her bathroom to get the pain medication. “Take these and leave.” she said as she shoved the bottle into his chest.
“Joanna, don’t do this.” Zayn pleaded.
“You need to go.” She dragged his arm towards her door.
“Stop, just listen to me!”
“No. I’m through with listeni—“
She heard something plop to the ground and all of a sudden her vision spun until all she could see was Zayn’s eyes. And his slightly parted lips. And his perfectly disheveled hair.
Her hands were pinned to the wall, his knee pressed against her thigh to keep her immobilized. Joey’s heart thudded against her chest and she could feel the blood pumping in her ears. She tried her best to breathe normally, but slow and ragged breaths escaped her lips.
“I know that we just met last week.” Zayn started. “I know things are going faster than you expected them to. But please, don’t shut me out. I want to know what ills you. I want to know you.”
Her bottom lip trembled as she turned her head away from him. “But you even said it yourself. We just met last week, why are you so fucking attached? You are asking for information that my best friends, the friends I’ve known for four years don’t even know.”
“Sometimes you don’t need to know a person for four years to trust them. I’ve only known Perrie for a year and yet I trust her with information I don’t trust with my bandmates.” Zayn explained.
Joey didn’t say anything.
“The first time I met you I saw something in your eyes that told me that you needed help and every time I see you I see that same something. I see that you are holding something to yourself that will consume you if you don’t let people in.”
Joey snarled. “How do you know it’ll consume me? I’ve been perfectly fine before you walked into Tainted Dragon. I was getting on with my life and now it seems as though the more I talk to you the more my mind resets back to where it used to be.”
Zayn released her hands and she let them drop to her sides. “Look at me.”
“Look at me.” Frank whined.
Joey squeezed her eyes shut.
“Please, Joanna.” Zayn continued.
“Please, Joanna, please!”
Joey slid her body down the wall and collapsed to her wooden floor. She held her breath, hoping that would keep her tears from bursting out. She clenched her fists as her body quivered.
She felt a gentle hand push the hair out of her face. “Don’t be afraid. I won’t judge.”
She slowly let out her breath and along with it came the trickles of tears. He gingerly curled his fingers around her hands and led her back to the sofa. He sat her down and sat down right next to her, his body facing hers. She refused to cry on him like she was some melodramatic girl from a romance movie. She quietly wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath. Her nose was already clogged but she would deal with it. “He raped me.”
Zayn’s eyes widened. “Oh my god…”
She pinpointed her vision on Zayn’s collar. “He did it on multiple occasions. It wasn’t anything extremely violent, which is why I probably let it continue. But whenever I protested he would ignore me. He wouldn’t let me leave and eventually…I succumbed to him. So is it even really rape?”
Zayn remained quiet. She appreciated it because at this moment, all she wanted to do was to vent.
“I mean, I guess Bradley was right. I am disgusting. I say no to Frank and yet I take pleasure out of it. I always feel guilty afterwards and whenever I expressed these feelings to Frank he would say I was being a pussy. He said that I didn’t love him. He would say that if I really didn’t want it then I would have struggled harder. Maybe he’s right. I mean…”
She paused to sigh and to briefly close her eyes before continuing. “There were a lot of times where I did willingly have sex with him, sometimes I even initiated it. But it was after that night Bradley confessed to me that Frank changed. He would just mentally torment me.” she chuckled dryly. “He’d make me feel like shit about myself and say no other man would want me. Oh, but HIS love was true! So ‘don’t ever leave me!’ he would say.”
She poked her tongue with her cheek and then sniffled. “And the worse thing is that after all that crap he put me through I still have feelings for him. I still find myself struggling not to go back to him. I said to you that I didn’t want to become a domestic abuse sob story. Well guess what? I’m ten times worse! I’m a fucking masochistic lunatic.” her voice cracked.
She sighed and rubbed her eyes. She eased her head on the headrest of the couch. She was finished ranting. She let out all the things that were conflicting her since…since a long time. And for whatever reason, she felt lighter. She was not completely weighed down by gravity as she had been for the past month. For the past year.
She felt Zayn’s hand rubbing circles on her back. “You didn’t deserve anything that you went through, Joanna.”
She sniffled again. “Yeah…”
“I mean it.” Zayn growled. “What those men did to you—what they are still doing to you is disgusting. And the worst part is that you’ve been suffering through this alone.”
“It’s my fault for having a bad judge of character.” she murmured.
“Joey, stop. It isn’t your fault at all. They are the ones who are wrong. You were just duped. But you know what’s really awesome?”
“What?”
Zayn smiled softly. “That you left him. You had the knowledge and strength to say you were done with this lifestyle and you left. You say you still struggle with going back to him, but you haven’t done so yet! You should be proud.”
A small smile cracked through Joey’s face. “I suppose so.”
“And now you have me to help you get rid of those feelings permanently. If you ever feel that you are slipping or if you’re ever in danger,” Zayn emphasized the last two words. “You can call on me.”
Joey laughed while shaking her head. “Zayn, what is wrong with you?”
He threw her a questioning look. “Huh?”
“Do you throw yourself to help all strangers like this?”
Zayn laughed and gave her a tight squeeze. “You’re not a stranger anymore.”
“Zayn?”
“Mhm?”
“Thank you.”
He smiled at her. “You’re welcome. Now, do you need anything from me for the rest of tonight?”
Joey shook her head. “You’re free to go.”
She walked him to the door and picked up the bag of ice and pain meds she gave him. She unscrewed the cap and handed him two pills. Her swallowed them and drank the melting water in the bag to wash it down.
“Ew.”
He grinned. “I’ll see you later.”
“See you later.”
She closed the door behind him and then stood there for five minutes. She then mobilized to her bedroom, shrugging off the form-fitting dress and then flopping on her bed in just her undergarments. She was drowsy from the tears, and tonight, she craved to slip into her subconscious.
UPDATE!!!????
1/7/14