Love Will Tell Us Where To Go

Despite how well we slept, you don’t get over jet lag that fast. “It’s like, I’m not tired, but…ugh.” Harry sat on the side of the bed before he lied back and stretched.

“We should be feeling normal in another day or so.” I told him as I forced myself out of bed.

“You said exercise is good, right? Maybe we should go to a park and walk or something?”

“Sounds good to me.” I replied. “But first, breakfast.”

Luckily breakfast was still available. There was a menu to choose from and we had the choice of eating in the dining room or our room; we chose our room. Mainly because we don’t want anyone to ask us questions about ourselves. I know I’m being paranoid, but I can’t help it.

After eating and changing clothes, I texted back Chloe who had responded to the text I had sent before getting on the plane. Oops. I’m surprised it took me this long to remember.

She didn’t mind though, of course. I told her about our new situation but I quickly changed the subject to Niall. She told me that they’re still dating and that they text and video chat all the time.

After that, we looked up a park near by. It didn’t take very long, and soon we were off to walk.

“The weather here is amazing!” he exclaimed as we walked hand in hand. There were a few other people that passed us by and vice versa, but not too many.

“I told you! It’s February and closer to 70 degrees Fahrenheit than the freezing point.”

He looked at his phone then put it back in his pocket quickly. He seemed to be doing that quite a lot. Never texting, though. It didn’t seem like it anyway.

“How are the guys?” I asked.

“Good. They’ve been blowing up the group chat. It’s full of so many random conversations.”

“Ya know…I miss them. Hanging out with them was great. I hope we get to do that again soon.” Not that I know how that will be possible. Maybe they could all afford to fly out to Minneapolis once we’re settled in? Hopefully my father won’t mind.

That’s such a weird thought. My father. I’m going to meet him. The man who didn’t even know I was his. The man who wanted to stay around and raise me but had that taken away from him because of her. I never would have thought that there was someone who would have more of a reason to not like her than me.

I was so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I almost didn’t notice the sad look on Harry’s face after he looked at his phone once again.

“Harry…what’s wrong?”

He changed his expression quickly, trying to act as though he was fine. “Oh, umm…nothing.”

I stopped walking and he did as well. I stood in front of him as I said, “Come on, I know when something is wrong. Please tell me.”

He had avoided eye contact at first, but once he looked at me, he didn’t look away. “It’s just…my parents. My mom, specifically. She keeps texting me. It’s fine, though. I just didn’t want you to worry.”

“I appreciate the concern, but love, you can always tell me about stuff like this.”

“I know…I just…I’m sorry.” he smiled sadly.

I hugged him and told him that it would be okay for him to text them back to let them know he is fine.

“Do you think that it’d be okay?” he asked clearly concerned.

“Yeah. I mean, you’re an adult. It’s not like you’re telling them where you are or who you’re with. Just let them know you’re alright.”

He looked at his phone before glancing over my shoulder. “Alright. I’ll do it. But let’s go sit on that bench.

As soon as we sat down he began to text. “And now we wait.” he said after finishing. “Because believe me, we will get a reply.”

“I can’t even imagine how my mother reacted.” I laughed but deep down I began to worry again.

“Well, I don’t hear any cop cars coming after us or see any helicopters, so I think we’re fine for now.”

“Amanda is going to be so confused tomorrow. First I’m out all week, now you too?”

“Yeah…she’s definitely going to think that’s weird.”

“And after our conversation in the restroom….I still can’t get over how weird that was.”

“Well, she can be pretty weird.”

“Yeah, but it was weird even for her. I mean, why would she suddenly confess all of that stuff to me? She hates me, which I don’t understand either. And yet she said we’re great together and she wished us luck.”

“Some people are like that, Megan.”

“Yeah, I know, but didn’t it seem like she was especially mean to me? Why me? I barely know her. In fact, she hated me from the minute I met her. I hadn’t even spoke to her and she was rude.”

“I’m sorry.” he said. “But that’s the past. You never have to see her again.”

“Yeah, I know…it’s just so weird. We met the second day of school. After I passed out of course. It was in the restroom ironically. She said…she said something about how I’ll never be one of them? What does that even - “

“Why do you care so much about what she thinks of you?”

I was thrown back by that question. “I don’t care. I’m just saying, it’s kind of weird how she treated me for someone she just met.”

“Let’s just talk about something else, okay?”

I wanted to let it go. I probably should have. But I couldn’t. Why does talking about her bother him so much?

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

He continued looking at the ground as he said, “Megan…”

I felt a pit in my stomach. The conversation suddenly felt more serious, and I hated it. “What?” I asked.

“I know…I’m sure I know why Amanda hates you so much.”

“And you’re just now telling me?”

“I just didn’t think there was a reason to.”

“So you’re telling me that the times I questioned why she hates me and why she did the stuff she did to me and sometimes both of us wasn’t a good sign?”

“I’m sorry, I just - it’s really not that big of a deal. I just didn’t know if I should tell you.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to tell me? That makes no sense.”

“Just promise you won’t get mad?”

“Harry, you’re scaring me. Why would the reason she hated me make me mad?”
He looked away from me and down at the ground. “Amanda wasn’t always like the way she is…snobby, rude, and acting as though she’s better than everyone else. She use to be completely different.

But then in the ninth grade, when we were fourteen, she changed dramatically. She became a cheerleader and started hanging around the “popular” people. Her personality practically changed over night.”

“So? What does that have to do with anything?” I asked as I began to feel silly for worrying. He must be making a big deal out of nothing.

“It was during the time she wasn’t like the person she is now that her and I…dated.”
I felt a pit in my stomach. “What?”

“She was a completely different person back then. I broke up with her once she - “

“Why am I just now finding out?”

“I just didn’t think you needed to know.”

“Oh, really? You didn’t think I needed to know why the girl that was so mean to me…the one that was part of the reason I almost killed myself, was just because she was jealous?”

“Megan…”

“How long were you guys together? It must have been a while for her to still be so upset.”

He sighed as he said, “We’ve known each other since we were in kindergarten. We started dating when we were twelve.”

“And you didn’t think that a relationship that lasted that long was significant enough to mention when we talked about our previous relationships?”

“Megan, I’m sorry. You just need to understand that I - “

“What? What could I possibly need to understand?”

“This, Megan. This is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d freak out.”

I stood up as my anger grew. “Are you kidding me? You thought I would freak out if you told me the truth? I’m “freaking out” over when you decided to tell me, not over what you’re telling me”

He stood up as soon as I finished talking. “You can not tell me that you wouldn’t have second guessed being with me if I had told you that during the first week we met.”

“Stop trying to act like you know how I think and feel because you obviously do not know me like I thought you did.”

“Maybe. But if you can’t understand why I did what I did in order to protect you, that you don’t know me either.”

We stood facing each other and our eyes were locked. I grit my teeth as I felt the sting of tears begin to form in my eyes. I could feel my stomach tossing and turning, threatening to bring back the breakfast we ate this morning.

With nothing left to say I turned around and walked away.

“Where are you going?” he asked. I didn’t turn around to look at him, but I could tell he wasn’t following me.

“I need to be alone.” I replied as I held back the tears that were blurring my vision. I will not let him see me cry. I will not let him hear my voice crack.

I wondered if he would run after me like guys sometimes do in movies. A part of me didn’t want him to, but a part of me was disappointing when he didn’t.

As soon as I felt it was safe to, I broke down. I let the tears flow as I fell to my knees by another bench. I buried my face in the palms of my hands and didn’t even bother to cry quietly.

I feel so weak. Partially because of jet lag, of course, but this is not helping. After crying a bit, I got up off of the ground and lied down on the rather large bench.

I closed my eyes and tried to calm down and think about everything more clearly, but that just made me want to cry more. So instead I focused solely on calming down. Before I knew it, I drifted off into an unintentional sleep.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I am so freaking stupid. Why didn’t I just - ugh, I am so freaking stupid.

I walked and walked until I realized that I hadn’t even been paying attention to where I was walking. I wanted to leave the park, but I didn’t know where else to go and didn’t feel like figuring it out. So instead I sat on a bench.

I buried my face in my hands and held back screaming. Why would I tell her that she doesn’t know me? How insensitive is that? I knew I should have just told her the truth.

Tears began to fall down my face as I thought about her crying by herself somewhere. What if she’s afraid to trust me anymore? Why did I have to lie?

Not that I lied directly. Oh, who am I kidding…I told her about relationships I had in elementary school but now one that lasted well into high school?

It’s not like I’m hiding anything. I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. At all. But shouldn’t that be obvious to her?

Maybe she’s right. Maybe she would have still wanted to be with me if I had told her. I don’t know, though…after she saw the way Amanda acts, what would she have thought about me for dating her? I mean, we had just met, I didn’t want to make a bad first impression.

Tired. I am so tired. Every muscle in my body aches.

I lied down on the bench and stretched before closing my eyes. The light breeze felt amazing. I took deep breaths as I tried to convince myself that everything would be alright.

She really did push her over the edge on the bus before she almost…killed herself.

Oh my gosh, how am I so incredibly stupid? If only I had just told her the truth instead of being an insensitive jerk.

“Are you taking a nap?” a voice that obviously belonged to a little girl asked me. She giggled as I opened my eyes. She looked about five years old.

“Just resting my eyes.”

“Why in the park? Parks are for playing!”

I laughed as I sat up. “True.”

“My name’s Pacífica. What’s yours?” she held out her tiny hand for me to shake. I smiled as I shook her hand and replied, “That’s a very cool name. I’m Harry.”

“Is it because of your hair? Cause your hair is like - ” she motioned with her hands as she talked, “it’s like…poofy and curly.”

“You know what, that makes sense. I bet that is why.” I glanced around trying to find whoever she was suppose to be with. “Pacífica, who are you suppose to be with right now? Are your parents around here?”

“My mommy took my sister to the bathroom.”

“And she left you by yourself?”

“No. She told my older sister and brother to watch me and my other brother.”

“Did you wander off?”

She held back a smile as she said, “Umm…maybe…”

“Pacífica…” I smiled before saying, “You need to go back.”

“Are you okay?” she asked suddenly changing the subject. Which isn’t unusual for a little kid, especially one trying to avoid something, but that was an odd question.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Do you think I’m not?”

“I saw you crying before you took your nap. That’s why I came to talk to you. I want to cheer you up.”

“Thank you very much, but we should get you back to your mommy now.” I knew I’d have to take her so she wouldn’t get lost, so I stood up.

“Okay, okay, but you can tell me why you’re sad on the way.”

I laughed at how adult like she tried to act. “Alright, deal.”

She took my hand and with the other pointed in the direction we should go. I hope she’s right.

“Well, aren’t ya gonna tell me why you’re sad? I can help.”

“Thanks. Well, you see, I have a girlfriend, and - “

“Aww!” she squealed with excitement. “I bet y’all are soo cute! She’s pretty like you too isn’t she? I bet she is.”

“She is very pretty.” I felt a pit in my stomach. “Anyway, we had a bit of an argument. She’s mad at at me.”

“Why? You’re super nice.”

“Thank you. But…I did something that wasn’t very nice.”

“What? You can tell me. I won’t tell nobody.”

“I lied to her.”

She gasped dramatically. “Oh no. No, no, no…that’s not good. You’re never suppose-ta lie. ‘Specially to your girlfriend.”

Hearing it said out loud made the sicky feeling in my stomach worse. Even coming from a five year old. It might have made it worse, actually.

“I know…it was very wrong of me to do that. I’m really sorry.”

“Tell her!”

“I did. But - “

“No! You just say sorry, no more. My mommy tells me that when me and my sister fight.”

I could see what I assumed to be her siblings in the near distance so I quickly tried wrapping up the conversation. “You’re absolutely right. I will make sure I tell her that I am sorry. Thank you very much for your help.”

“You’re welcome, Harry.” she smiled from ear to ear. She looked over to her siblings before leading me over there with her. “Come on!”

Just as we walked up to them, her mom and little sister who was about a year or two younger than her did as well.

“Hello, I’m Harry. Pacífica wandered off and started talking to me so I thought it’d be safer if I helped her get back here.”

“Oh my gosh…I’m so sorry. Pacífica….sweetie, you know better than that.”

“I’m sorry, mommy.” she lowered her head for a moment before she looked right up and me and said, “See, like that!”

Her mom didn’t even ask for an explanation. “Thank you so much.” she said.

“No problem. You have a very sweet and smart little girl.”

She smiled almost as much as Pacífica when she said, “Thank you, Harry. You are too.”

“Well, I have to go. It was nice meeting you guys.”

“Wait!” she exclaimed before walking up to me and opening her arms wide. I squatted to be closer to her height and gave her a hug.

“Bye, Harry!” she said as I walked away. “Good luck with your pretty girlfriend!”

“Thanks.” I replied as I waved back.

It might seem weird that advice from a five year old is good advice, but it kind of did help. I was so defensive when apologizing, my apology turned into me making excuses more than actually apologizing.

I guess that means that now I have two thinks to apologize for; for lying and for apologizing wrong.

Maybe I should go buy her something first…

Notes