The first thing I do when I wake up is check my phone for a text from Megan; I didn’t have one.

I get dressed and eat a muffin before going to the bus stop. Normally I am in a rush every morning and almost miss the bus, but this morning I find myself waiting for what seems like forever.

I take my usual seat and stare out of the window as we pull up to where Megan should get on. But she isn’t there. The bus idles for a while, but not long enough.

I let out a sigh as we drive away. I check my phone, but still no text.

“What’s wrong, Harry?” Amanda asks in a voice that could almost be mistaken for someone who is a nice and maybe even sweet person.

“Nothing, Amanda.” I reply flatly. I’m not in the mood to talk to her.

“Where is Megan?” She attempts to speak in the same tone as before, but the sweetness in her voice falters on her name.

“Why do you care?” I ask.

“No need to be so mean.” she replies.

She leaves me alone the rest of the ride to school. She doesn’t, however; leave alone for the rest of the day.

I sit on the stool I always do in science class. I look at Megan’s empty seat only a moment before Amanda sets her things on the table and sits down. “Since she’s not here.” she states simply.

I stare at her blankly for a moment and try to come up with something to say. I don’t understand her.

“Whatever.” I finally say once I decided that arguing is pointless and will end up making me look like I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I glance over to her usual table. Her friends are talking a mile a minute as usual. Riley, her boyfriend, sure doesn’t look very happy.

We end up taking notes all class period, so I had little interactions with her after that. As soon as class was over, I was out of there. She didn’t bother me the rest of the day.

I decide to text Megan on the bus.

Me: Are you okay, love?

Megan: Still sick.

Me: I’m coming over.

Megan: Don’t.

Me: Megan…what’s wrong?

Megan: Nothing. I just don’t want you to get sick.

I don’t try to argue anymore. I also try to convince myself to not worry. I tell myself everything is fine and I’m worrying for nothing.

The rest of the day and night goes by slowly and is boring without her. I end up going to sleep much earlier than I normally would. I also don’t sleep as much as I normally do.
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I wake up the next day and again, no text. I almost text her, but I know it will be pointless.

I hate this. I hate being worried that something is wrong. Why am I so paranoid?

As if being not having Megan around wasn’t bad enough, Amanda has begun talking to me more. Great. Just what I want to happen again.

By three o’clock, I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t bother to text her, instead, I get out when the bus stops at her driveway. The long walk to her house seems especially long today.

I ring the doorbell and wait. And wait. And wait.

Maybe she’s in the other house?

I ring the doorbell again. Five minutes later, the door opens.

She is wearing sweats and an old worn out t-shirt. She isn’t wearing any makeup, her hair is a mess, and her eyes look puffy as if she had been crying. I’ve never been so happy to see her.

Without a word, I bring her in for a hug. My grip on her is tight, but I can’t help it. I feel like I haven’t seen her in such a long time.

“Harry!” she sequels. She giggles as she says my name, but there is a bit of sadness in her voice. That, or I just imagined it.

“I’ve missed you.” I say as I step back and take both of her hands in mine. She only holds on to mine for a moment longer before letting go. “You need to go, silly. You’re going to get sick.”

“Getting to spend time with you is worth the risk.” I say with a smile. And I mean it. I really do.

She looks at me a moment longer and swallows a lump in her throat before replying. Is she trying to hold back tears? Maybe her throat hurts.

“Please…just…go home, ok? For me?” She attempts a smile, but I can tell that it’s forced.
I don’t want to go home. I want to stay with her. But instead of arguing, I ask, “Ok. I understand. You’re just thinking about what’s best for me.”

I bring her close to me for a hug. She immediately puts an open palm up to my chest in what I assume was an attempt to keep me away. If that is what she was doing, she didn’t try very hard.

I hold her close to me and take in her warmth. I had been so wrapped up in our conversation I had completely forgotten I had been standing outside in the cold.

“You better hurry up, or you’ll get sick just from standing here.” she says with a giggle. I love her laugh so much.

“Yeah…see you later.” I say. But when is will “later” be? Nothing about our relationship feels certain anymore.

I linger a moment longer to look at her eyes. As I walk away, I glance back once more, only to see a shut door.
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The rest of the evening is boring and goes by slowly. I want to text Megan, but I know I shouldn’t. Between her being sick and needing rest and the way she’s been acting lately, I don’t need to push too much.

And then I get a text.

Megan: I forgot to tell you in person earlier, but…I’m really sorry Harry, but I won’t be able to go to the concert tomorrow. But don’t think that means you can’t go. You should, actually. And you can take someone with you.

Oh, wow…the concert is tomorrow. I forgot.

Me: I understand, love. Don’t feel bad. I just want you to get better soon.<3 You think I’d still go? And with someone else? Who?

Megan: I don’t know…I just don’t want to be the reason you don’t get to see one of your favorite bands live.

Me: You’re the best girlfriend ever, you know that? Because you are. Anyway, I really can’t go. It wouldn’t be the same without you. In fact, I might just stop by instead…

I hesitated adding that last sentence and came very close to taking it back. But I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I miss her so much. I just need to be with her for longer than five minutes at her front door. I just need to be assured that everything is ok between us.

I wait ten minutes, but I finally get a reply.

Megan: I love you.

Me: I love you.

The message makes me smile and makes me feel better. I actually sleep well later that night.
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I feel much more hopeful when I wake up, but I still won’t be completely fine until after this evening. I’m going to spend time with her tonight, I just know I will.

Amanda sits next to me on the bus, and I ignore her as much as possible; only responding when she asks me a direct question.

She also sits next to me in every class we have together, but I don’t let it bother me. I will see Megan today, and that’s all that really matters.

“What are these?” she asks when she notices the concert tickets tucked into my binder. “Oh, those are tickets to a concert.”

“Cool. You and Megan going?” I roll my eyes before looking over at her. “Not anymore.”

“Why not?” she asks. I guess I spoke to soon about her not bothering me. She bothers me most when she brings up Megan. Mainly because of the tone in her voice when she does.

So, in hopes of getting her to leave me alone, I offer her the tickets. “Wow, really? Aww, that is so nice!”

“No problem.” I reply.

“Thank you so much, Harry!” she sequels in a high pitch voice as she wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly. I bring my arms up and around her in automatic response, but I don’t have much of a grip. It’s feels very awkward to be hugging her again.

I power through the rest of the day as best as I can, and finally, it’s three o’clock. By this time, I am so relieved I could scream from joy.

As soon as the bus stops at her house, I practically run off. Once the bus drives away, I’m in a full run. I’m a bit out of breath by the time I get there, so I wait a minute or two before ringing the door bell.

She opens the door almost immediately. Her hair looks more brushed than it has looked lately, but still no make up. She is also in sweats and a t-shirt.

“Come in. I need to tell you something.” she says sternly. Her expression is serious. Suddenly there is a lump in my throat.

She walks over to the a couch and I follow her. After we sit down, she looks down at her lap, hiding her face from me. Her body is facing straight forward, and I am angled toward her. She looks so small and fragile. I want so badly to wrap my arms around her and make everything that’s wrong in her life right.

“Megan…” I say once the silence and suspense is unbearable. I don’t know what I expected to happen next, but I’ll never forget it.

She looks at me with a blank stare and in a flat, matter of factly tone, “We need to go on a break.”

I feel my mouth drop as I try to come up with a response. “What…I don’t…but, why?” I stutter as I speak and am obviously shaken up.

“We are going to take a break.” The change of wording stings. She’s not asking me, we’re not having a discussion, there is no changing her mind.

That doesn’t mean I don’t try.

“Megan, I…I just…I don’t understand. Why would we-“

“Go.”

She stands up and makes her way to the door. I reluctantly follow. I don’t want to leave. Not now.

“Megan, come on. Let’s just talk for about this for a-“

“Harry, please…go. Trust me, and go.”

She sounds like a robot with the way her voice sounds so monotone. It’s like she’s half asleep or something.

“Please, Megan, I just-” I begin to pull her in for a hug, but this time, her hand is more determined and keeps me from getting much closer. My voice gets caught in my throat in reaction. She’s serious.

She opens the door and backs away before crossing her arms. I step outside, but stop and turn to look at her. For a second, I wonder if she’s considering changing her mind.

We make eye contact, and for a second, just a split second, I see the Megan that I love. The one who laughs at my corny jokes and watches movies with me. The one who loves making pancakes for breakfast and lying on trampolines listening to nature. For a second I see the girl I love, and the girl I thought loved me.

But only for a second. In the second that follows, I see a shut door.
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I try to hide how I’m feeling when I walk into my house, and luckily succeed. I lock myself in my room and stay there for most of the night, only coming out when necessary.

Most of my time is spent either watching television and barely processing whatever is on and staring blankly at the ceiling while lying back down on my bed.

Once the rest of my family go to bed, I decide to grab my guitar since Greyson is spending the night at a friends house. I grab it and a pick before walking back to my bed. On the way over, I drop the pick and bend down to get it. When I do, I see something I didn’t know was still under my bed.

Megan’s bag of clothes.

She must have accidentally left it here. We were in such a rush Monday morning, she forgot to get it.

Knowing good and well I shouldn’t, I take the bag and set it on my bed. I sit down and stare at it for a moment before taking out one of her t-shirts. It smells just like her. I breathe in deep and close my eyes and imagine that she’s with me.

But she’s not.

I put toss it back in the bag and zip it back up. I put it back under my bed before grabbing my notebook of songs. I grab the pencil I always keep in it, and begin to furiously write away. I write so hastily, I’m sure to anyone else, it would look like gibberish.

I write. And write. And write. I don’t know if even makes any sense. I’m just writing out how I feel. I’ve kept it all bottled in for so long, nothing can make me stop now. My hand begins to cramp, but I continue to write. Not even the loud thunder and cracks of lightening can take away my attention for even a second from the thoughts in my head.

When did it even start raining? I don’t know. I don’t care. I have to get them out of my head and onto paper.

Soon, my eyes begin to blur from the tears in my eyes. No. Stop. Stop crying. But I can’t. Frustrated, I throw the notebook and pencil on the floor as the tears being to slow steadily down my face. The stream of tears then become sobs.

I grab the nearest pillow and bury my face in it. I let out a scream that my parents would have heard had it not been for the thunder and lightening. I try to calm down, but my breathing has become shallow and I have to work at making it normal again.

I lay down on top of the covers and curl up on my side as I bury my face into the pillow.

I continue to cry silently for who knows how long. It seems like it takes me forever to calm down and breathe normally. Any time I made progress, my mind would wander back to her, and I would be at square one again. Finally, I start getting better at focusing on other things; anything but her.

I focus on the way the rain sounds as it falls on the roof and the howling wind. I count the seconds between the lightening and thunder. I watch the way my room lights up with each flash. I focus on the sound of my breath steadying - in and out, in and out.

Eventually, my eye lids become heavy, and I am in the state of in between awake and asleep. Right before I drift off completely, the last thing I remember focusing on is the picture of Megan on my nightstand.

It’s a good thing I was so close to falling asleep. Otherwise I would have been at square one again.