Soft cords of violins played as people dressed in black walked into the small church. I’ve always hated funerals. Sure I’ve only ever been to one other but nothing good comes from a funeral. I get that it’s to pay your last respects to someone gone. Someone you loved. But there’s nothing happy about funerals. They suck the life out of people. That is if someone isn’t already dead. Like I was.

I died when Lucas died. It was my fault he was dead. If only I had done things differently, he’d still be here. My first love would still be here and his parents wouldn’t have to bury their only child. I wouldn’t have lost my best friend and I wouldn’t have to be sitting on the polished wooden benches. I wouldn’t have to be holding in my tears. The tears that so desperately wanted to escape the flood gates. But I refused. I refused to cry. Because if I cried, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop.

I sat there staring blankly at everyone who talked about Lucas. They all said the same thing, just in different words. They said how he was such a great guy. How he had exceptional talent and could have gone far in the NFL. They all said how he was taken away from us too soon and every time someone said that, it cut me. It stabbed into my already broken heart and ripped it a bit more. No one noticed though. No one was really looking at me as they spoke. They all seemed to be looking at Lucas’s parents, who were holding each other. Like they were afraid the other person would drop dead at any moment.

Then it was my turn and everyone’s eyes were on me as I stayed sitting beside my father. It took me a few seconds to realize it was my turn. I had to get up on the small stage and talk about Lucas. How was I meant to do that? I was I meant to talk about him without everyone seeing the guilt that I constantly felt? There was no way and all of a sudden, I was dreading having to speak in front of all these people.

I felt my dad’s squeeze my shoulder encouragingly as I let out a deep breath. Standing up, I robotically walked up onto the small stage. I looked at the wooden casket for a few long seconds before I turned around to face everyone. I didn’t know where my blue orbs should focus. If I looked at Lucas’s parents, I’d only feel even guiltier for making them bury their son. If I looked at my parents I’d feel ashamed, embarrassed. And if I looked at all mine and Lucas’s friends, I’d surely start crying right then and there. So I looked straight ahead. Right at the double doors that lead into the small church. That was the only safe option I had.

“Lucas… I don’t think there’s any right words that I could use to express how I felt towards him. He was my best friend. The person I went through everything with and he’s gone…” I trailed off. I could feel my breathing starting to get uneven as memories of that night flooded my mind. The way the tree was crashing to the ground. How I watched the life leave Lucas as two men carried me to the ambulance. “I loved him so much…. And now he’s gone. He’s gone and he left me here…” I shook my head to stop the tears from falling. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t stand up here and give another boring speech based around the same things as everyone else had said.

Clasping a hand over my mouth, I quickly turned and fled out the side doors of the church. It had been so much harder than I thought it would be. My mind took me back to my grandma’s funeral. I don’t ever remembering anyone getting like this when they had to talk about my grandma. So why was it so hard for me to stand up in front of everyone I knew and talk about the boy I loved?

I don’t know how long I ran for. But by the time I reached the old oak tree at the top of a hill, only a mile away from my house, my black sleeveless dress was soaked as it clung to me. I’ve always had curves. My soaking wet dress just made them clearer as it clung to me. I’ve never minded when my clothing shows off my curves. I never minded because Lucas always made sure I knew having curves was a good thing. He’d show me that I was fine the way I was and that’d always been enough. But now as I leaned my back against the oak tree, where me and Lucas used to hang out every day, I couldn’t help but feel ugly.

A soft sob escaped my lips as I shed a few tears. But that didn’t last long as I heard someone walking towards me. Snapping my head up, my blue eyes focused on the brown curly haired boy walking my way. I knew who it was just by the curls. I would know those curls anywhere.

Harry motherfucking Styles.

This was just what I needed.

Sucking in a deep breath, I braced myself for whatever was going to be said between me and Harry. We used to be friends. Me, Lucas and Harry used to be the best of friends. But that all changed when Harry moved back to England. He promised he’d stay in touch with both of us, but he only stayed in touch with Lucas. Then he went on x-factor and became this big ten heartthrob. It was pretty easy to say, Harry wasn’t exactly in my good books right now.

“What the fuck do you want Styles?” I snapped at him, not bothering to be polite.

His famous smirk graced his face as his green eyes searched my face. Probably hoping to find some kind of humor in my eyes or some shit like that. But he wasn’t going to find any. All he’d find was anger and the fact I wanted to be left alone.

“Just came to check on my best friend’s girlfriend.” He shrugged, keeping his eyes on me.

Pushing myself away from the tree, I closed the space between us and looked him right in the eye. I couldn’t believe he had the nerve to come here and check on me. I didn’t need him. I didn’t want his help or pity. I already had enough pity to last me a lifetime.

“Well you’re wasting your time.” I told him angrily. I wasn’t in the mood for this.

“How’s your arm?”

My eyes dropped down to the cast I had on. Being out in the rain and running wouldn’t be helping my wrist heal but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about much these days.

“Fuck off.”

And with that I turned and started running again. To my dismay Harry just started running behind me in his stupidly tight pants. And for a moment I let myself think it was Lucas running behind, checking out my ass like he’d done for the past five years. There was a moment when I was going to turn my head around and wink but then I remembered it wasn’t Lucas. It was Harry. And that thought alone made me pick up my speed, which he of course easily matched.

Spinning around, I glared at Harry’s smug face as I ran backwards. Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why couldn’t he just walk away and pretend he never saw me. Why couldn’t he just go back to his perfect life and leave me to slowly waste away inside.

“Would you just fuc-“ I got cut off as my foot landed in a small hole in the ground. Making me tumble backwards and land on my butt. Great. Just what I needed.

To my dismay Harry bent down and searched my face with his green eyes. Our eyes made contact and I tried to hold it for as long as possible but my awkwardness soon took over, making my blue orbs look at the ground. Harry then reached his hand gently under my chin and made me look at him.

This was so uncomfortable. Not to mention I could feel sparks coming from where he was touching me and I knew that wasn’t normal. I also knew he felt them too because he quickly pulled his hand away. Closing my eyes, I mentally fought back the guilt that had come back. How could I be attracted to Lucas’s best friend? That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t be attracted to anyone. Lucas would be my only one.

Slowly I rose to my feet but had to balance on one foot because of my ankle. I must have twisted it because of the fall. Running a hand through my wet blonde locks. My blue eyes looked at Harry’s face. Shaking my head I turned around and started limping home.

“Kimberly, just let me carry you home.” Harry’s husky voice said as he walked beside me.

“No! It’s right there Harry. I’ll be fine.” I snapped. My earlier mood coming back to hide the guilt I felt.

“Don’t be so stubborn Kim.”

“I’m not! You don’t get to come back into my life after god knows how long and pretend you care. Lucas is dead now; you have no fucking reason to be here. So just leave!” I yelled at him.

I felt slightly bad for my words as I read the hurt in Harry’s eyes. But I pushed that feeling away. I wasn’t going to feel guilty for saying what I felt towards Harry. Running and hand through my hair, I started limping towards my house. I just wanted to get away from Harry.

After about five minutes of limping, I finally reached my house. Slipping inside, I wasn’t surprised when my mother came to the kitchen door. Concern written all over her face. I hated that. I hated how she had become different towards me ever since Lucas’s death. It was like she knew I could break at any second. But that’s stupid. No way she could know that.

“I’m going to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I mumbled making my way up the stairs.

“Kimmy please.” My mother begged but I ignored her.

Once I was changed and dry, I slipped under my bed covers and wrapped them around me like I was a caterpillar in a cocoon. I just hoped that this would keep reality out for the next twelve hours or so.

Maybe then I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping myself together.

Notes

So this is my very first fanfic and I'm not sure if I like it. So tell me what you think because I'd love to know what people think.