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On My Journey into Fan Fiction with Mental Illness
"Instead of being a 'normal' teenager, going out and doing those things, I simply wrote them." - I can't even tell you how relatable that part was. I admire you for writing this and even more so for submitting it as a school assignment. Mental illness and fan fictions are two things no one talks about. And if they do, it's not with kind regards! But for you to combine them both? You are brave, girl.
Hii I was wondering if anyone would like to read my story not all angels have wings? It would mean a lot! Xx
@fuckyouharrystyles
Sorry. I just saw this. Thank you sooo much for commenting that! It means so much. I can't even explain. That line is also one of my good friends' favorite lines from the essay. I'm very open about what I do and what I have lived through. I think it's important. My teacher's attitude about One Direction has TOTALLY changed since reading this. He actually likes "Story of My Life"! Haha.
Little do people know that the first use of “fan fiction” was in 1944—but it was obviously not like anything that is written today. My journey into the world of this type of creative writing began in June 2011, when I was just fourteen years old. I first heard of fan fiction on the websites, Twitter and Tumblr, where people I followed write and read their own stories around their favorite bands. I read a story about the rapcore music group, Hollywood Undead, by a young lady—I believe her name was Kaitlyn. I then thought to myself, Well, I could do this, too! And that is how it started.
June 22, 2011: I began writing and posted the first chapter of my first fan fiction. My favorite band at the time was Hollywood Undead. I was in love with the member, Johnny 3 Tears, so it was only appropriate for me write a story called EXPOSURES, where an original character (or called OC/OFC, for short),—Roxie Smoque—based on myself, met and fell in love with Johnny 3 Tears. The first chapter had wonderful content and an immense amount of detail but the grammar was horrendous. I did not even edit or proofread before I posted it onto Mibba.com, the website I found through some online friends. So many people responded with positive feedback that I kept going—although, I would have kept going whether or not that was the case.
Due to my lack of knowledge, my mental disorder was heavily influencing my writing. While I was not medicated, my inflated ideas about the world from my mania broke through. I was so enveloped in my writing that it became my latest obsession (obsessive/compulsive thoughts and actions are common with bipolar disorder). I continued to write EXPOSURES for the remainder of the summer. But without my knowing, I was cycling the whole time (cycling is a term used for the progression between mania and depression).
September 12, 2011: I was hospitalized to Pine Rest Christian Mental Facility. In the four days I spent there that second week of my freshman year; I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Most people know about depression but many have a misconstrued view on the association of mania with bipolar disorder. The way I see it is like the Hulk from the Avengers—one minute one is Bruce Banner, sane and calm; but with the slightest push, one can turn into a raging Hulk who has no emotional control. I remember writing four chapters in one day and posting them all throughout the evening—that was the mania at its finest.
My sister had been to Pine Rest before (she has bipolar disorder as well) but it had been years since I had stepped foot into the Van Andel Center of the large campus. I recollect sitting on the floor of my room, back up against my bed frame, waiting for my clothes to be sorted through to make sure I was following dress and safety code and one of the staff members asking me if I was okay. I looked up at him, my bright purple curls shining in under the fluorescent light, and answered with a monotone, “Yeah.”
October 13, 2011: Hospitalized again; this time for a purposeful overdose. Only I knew that this was actually my second time overdosing—the first time was back in fifth grade when I tried to commit suicide when the bullying got to be too much for me. This time it was the stress of school and pressure I put on myself to be perfect—which had always been an issue of mine. I remember waking up abruptly at 6:15 a.m. for school and taking ten 200 milligram pills of my Seroquel, a mood stabilizer, so I would not have to go. I was not trying to kill myself. I then laid down on my bed, and minutes later, I realized what I had done. I climbed up the stairs to my parents’ room and then my dad rushed me to the hospital, panicking and asking me questions about the concerts I had tickets for until we got to Metro Health Hospital.
I endured the single worst experience of my life at Metro Health Hospital that morning. The ER nurses were condescending and judgmental towards me, but I was too out of it to care. They forced liquid charcoal down my throat, which took me hours to drink just 12 ounces. While I was on break from the charcoal, a case manager entered my room and began screaming at me in frenzy. Why did you do this?! He yelled. Why do you want to die?! After I mistakenly vomited black bile and finished the charcoal, the ambulance guys came to pick me up to take me to Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital where I spent the night and was transported back to Pine Rest the next morning.
Note that I did attempt to write original fiction based on the experiences I have had with the mental health system and then also adding my dark, twisted spin on it. I wrote a few chapters but never was able to stick with it. I had a passion for writing fan fiction and truly nothing else.
June 06, 2012: My first manic episode, two days before the last day of school; I was on many pain medications due to my herniated disk and my (new) psychiatrist decided to try to switch me to Lamictal per my request to get off Seroquel. The stress and mix of medications caused an intense manic episode. I screamed, cried and even kicked my mother in the chest. I knew just what buttons to push with her. I was a demon.
June 22, 2012: The 37th and final chapter of EXPOSURES was posted, ending with a total of 27 subscribers, as well as the first chapter in my next venture—my Avengers fan fiction, Fixed in the Shadows. I always liked Iron Man and I had seen all the Marvel movies but then I fell in love with Captain America when I saw The Avengers. So, I decided to pick up my writing again and start another OC “fic” with Captain America this time. I began with the first couple of chapters going along with the storyline of the movie, just adding my OC (Skylar Hourani, Captain America’s love interest) in, and then creating my own plot. I did much research into the Marvel characters. After Loki, the villain in the movie, came The Man, my own creation from Skylar’s past.
Skylar was my way of dealing with my memories from my un-medicated past. She was obviously bipolar but too stubborn and strong-willed to buckle down and take medication or get help. This story was much healthier for me in the fact that I was actually taking time to edit each chapter three or four times and posting every three days instead of daily. The story ended with possibly the saddest event ever to happen in one of my stories. I immediately picked up a sequel, starting right where I left off, only six months later in the story.
At this point, I had already been in therapy since 2008 and began to work on dealing with the abuse I endured when I was a child. My therapist recommended The Courage to Heal, a guide for women that experience childhood sexual abuse. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do—forgive myself.
July 24, 2012: An even newer venture in my writing: smut. My stories had always had sex in them before but this was entirely different. I was taking the Avengers and other Marvel characters, pairing them up at people’s request and writing about their escapades. Instead of being a “normal” teenager, going out and doing those things, I simply wrote them. I received a large amount of positive feedback and requests.
October 02, 2012: My third hospitalization was the best one because I met my best friend during this time. I was at Pine Rest six days this time for anxiety and suicidal thoughts. This was the event that really opened everyone’s eyes to my anxiety disorder. Switching psychiatrists, then having to switch back for a week because of my hospitalization proved to be very frustrating. My psychiatrists did not agree and apparently called each other quacks. But I finally found a group of friends that understood what I was going through. Most of us had the same interests. But Molly became my best friend, a person I could talk to and express myself with. I still kept in touch with everyone after I left, although it was against the law.
October 28, 2012: This time I took my favorite television show and made it my own: Supernatural. This was another OC love story with my character, Rayne Armstrong. Rayne was a broken girl with a rough past, much like my other characters. She was strong and independent with revenge set in her sights. It was my first time writing for a TV show, which was more difficult than I thought, but the unexpected amount of comments and subscribers made it all worth it.
January 03, 2013: Another television show fan fiction, except this time I went British with Sherlock. I fell in love with Dr. John Watson, and then decided to write an OC story with Virginia Sullivan. Virginia was just a girl trying to find out who she was, leaving Grand Rapids, Michigan behind to venture off to London. This also led to a Martin Freeman fan fiction with a 16-year-old character of the same name.
April 02, 2013: Spring break, tenth grade—a time to be alive; but not for me, as always. This marked my fourth trip to Pine Rest. This was, once again, for anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I had been on anxiolytic medication but I did not feel safe. It was a very short visit—only three and a half days—so I did not have to miss any school due to it. I returned to school that Monday like nothing happened; with no one knowing.
June 24, 2013: My third (and final) overdose. I was really trying to commit suicide this time. I ingested over 30,000 milligrams of Lithium Carbonate with a glass of milk around midnight. Two hours later, I awoke with a swell of acid in my stomach. I ran to my bathroom and vomited up all the pills—only half-digested. I then went upstairs to my parents’ room and I told my mom what happened. With a sigh, she slid out of bed and got me a tranquilizer pill to calm me down. She asked me why I did it and all I could say is, “I don’t know.” I was not hospitalized this time because my mother knew that it was an escape for me.
June 27, 2013: Feeling sluggish and wanting to try again, I decided to talk to my friend, Molly. She simply sent me the trailer for the One Direction movie, This Is Us. It was like the heavens opened up and four British and one Irish angel came down and serenaded me. I asked Molly to send me some of their songs through YouTube and she did so, growing giddy with excitement. I downloaded both the deluxe versions of their albums, wanting more. I almost cried the first time I listened to “What Makes You Beautiful” because I desired so strongly for someone to feel like that toward me. The next morning, I picked Liam Payne as my favorite.
July 02, 2013: I consolidated my love for One Direction by writing a fan fiction called Above the Trees, a lyric from “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails and posting it on a daughter site of Mibba.com, entitled OneDirectionFanFiction.org. It was about an 18-year-old rocker chick named Ellie Sheridan her best friend, Millie Ellington, who was based on Molly, and their entanglements with One Direction. Since Liam was my favorite and no one else wrote Liam Payne stories, I chose to make him Ellie’s love interest. Niall Horan, the Irishman of One Direction, was selected to be Millie’s, since Molly was absolutely infatuated with Niall.
July 21, 2013: It was the day that would change my life forever. It had been over two years since I had started writing fan fiction and I was ready for the next step: One Direction Imagines. An “imagine” or “preference” basically starts out with “Imagine if...” with one of the guys from One Direction. For example, in my collection, The Only Time (another Nine Inch Nails song), I started out with a character that connected back to my writing roots, Ms. Violette Smoque, a dominatrix for hire with a serious cocaine habit. She was hired by Liam for recreational scolding. It ended with Ms. Violette Smoque drugging Liam, snorting a line of coke off his abs and running into the rest of One Direction.
I did not expect my Imagines to blow up. I was receiving constant requests from girls for me to write their dream date or experience with their favorite member of One Direction. I was sick of seeing the same old cliché Preferences so I decided to revolutionize the world of Imagines. I made the one-shots personal and realistic, touching on real relationship issues. I even created outfits for each of the girls, using Polyvore.com. Dozens of subscribers, comments and votes for ten stars came in. It boosted my confidence. I had so many requests coming in that I had to find a co-author, who of which had to go through an extensive interview in order to join me on my crusade.
The success of my Imagines led me to write other One Direction stories, such as Heaven Is, inspired from “Heaven Is” by Def Leppard; about an exotic dancer, named Heaven, catching the eye of Liam Payne when his band mates bring him to strip club for his 20th birthday. Another story I wrote was We’re in This Together (once again, a Nine Inch Nails song) where each of the members of One Direction were an Avenger, and they fought The Wanted, another UK pop group who started a Twitter war with One Direction in the Real World.
Fan fiction has been my savior throughout this journey that is called Life. I reread my stories and I am baffled at the symbolism and influence my state of mind had on my characters and how they behaved. It also amazes me that anyone could map out my mental processes, starting with EXPOSURES (when I was not on meds) to The Only Time (where I was encased in my constant obsession). But it was not just the therapeutic process of writing that encouraged me; it was also my fans. They stuck with me through thick and thin and I cannot thank them enough.
I wrote this for my AP Language and Composition class--By Shelbey Horaney.
11/12/13