This is super stupid

So I'm a couple of shots deep, by myself, and thinking long and hard about recent things. My ex drowned a while ago, first ex I've had die. I was such a bitch for the last two years since my new boyfriend doesn't like him and like...all this kid wanted was a nice word and I didn't fucking give it to him. He just wanted to be friends and he was a really great kid who just made stupid decisions (like selling meth but like a true downhome hick, he'd give you the shirt off his back). He was your typical scene stoner and we liked all the same bands and hated all the same people in our home towns.

Lol it's so stupid cos we dated years ago but at the same time I feel like I've lost a part of myself cos I'd be fucking lying if I said I never considered this kid my best friend. I opened up to him in ways I haven't opened up to other people and he was either too stoned or too chill to be upset with me. I promise, I've had paranormal experiences I've associated with him happen since his death, like finding hair clips (I never do my hair) out of place and the flower he gave me for Valentine's Day when we were 16, I fucking watched move off a fucking shelf and land on my bed. ALL HE WANTED FROM ME WAS A NICE WORD AND I DIDN'T FUCKING GIVE IT TO HIM. Like what the fuck kind of person am I? He didn't deserve the end he got and I've started a story kind of dedicated to it on another site (I'm considering changing the band's names to fit 1D's so I can transfer it over here). I just... I dunno. I'm drunk and I know he'll see this because everytime I talk about it, from drownign to him specifically, I dream about it. I see that hair, those eyes, those stupid years of high school I wasted on him, the water. I feel the cold water. I feel my lungs fill. I feel guilt. Sometimes, I want to ask his friends how he is so I can hear he's still alive and punch him in the face for worrying me. Like "YOU DICK! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT!"

I don't know. I'm being stupid. It's the shine. It's losing someone I used to call a friend. But what right do I have to claim someone I havent' talked to in years? I want a hug <3

@Call_Me_Godot
Oh no. I am so fucking sorry for what happened. That's absolutely terrible. I would hate for someone I called close to me to leave like that. I am so sorry. But just be strong. Lol. Like I know you feel stupid for thinking about him the way that you are now, but it's good to remember. It's good to reminisce about things you used to have. Hell, I do it all the fucking time and it never gets me anywhere. I miss the hell out of the guy that I'm still in love with, and I think about him every day. But that's ok, because it's good to remember, and it's good to think.

And hey, don't be so hard on yourself. At least he got to spend as much time with you as he pleased. He cherished those moments and you should cherish the memories that you still have. You don't have to be so freaking hard on yourself.

You have every right to call him a friend. Just because you didn't talk to him in years doesn't mean he's not a friend. I have people that I haven't talked to in at least 5-6 years, but I still call them great friends because they gave me great memories. You have every right to call him a friend.

I might not be able to give you a hug, and what I just gave you might be shit advice, but I'm here for you dude. When all else fails, cyber hug that shit out *hugs* if you ever, and I mean ever, need anyone to talk to, know that I'm here. Ok? Good.

@XKALEIGHSTYLES57X
Well thank you. I completely forgot I did this because I'm clearly a genius.

Seriously, I talked to him so little I don't even know if he had a girlfriend. My friend was more upset when I told her about it (and she never met him) and my current boyfriend was concerned with how I'd take it. He was missing for almost a week before they found him. His dad was there. And I struggle with feeling bad. I feel bad from an outside perspective, like "oh that sucks for them" (his parents are separated and they have a bunch of other kids but that doesn't mean losing one is fun). I told my friend I seriously hope he was single because like I said, he was a good kid that just wanted to smoke a bowl and nerd out over video games. He'd stand up for anyone close to him. And I know he has other exes (one of them was a friend of a friend so I hung with her frequently) that would say the same, so I really hope he was single. As one girl to another, this whole thing would be shit. You don't just lose your boyfriend like that.

And he has this adorable little brother. When we were 16 and dating, this kid was about five and just totally idolized him so I hope he's not already the school-fuck-up at ten/ eleven because of this.

It might sound sick but I really hope Blondie (that's not his name, obviously, just what I called him) had hypothermia and he died from that before drowning. He was anemic and it was still cold when the accident happened and he was a twig. I don't think hypothermia is supposed to be as painful as drowning so I hope that's how he went out (but drowning's a possibility since he wasn't necessarily a swimmer).

I'm babbling (and this time I'm sober lol) but I can't help it. I have a really weird thing with death, like I can't accept it. My grandpa died ten years ago and I STILL expect to go to my grandma's and see him sitting in a chair doing puzzles. And knowing Blondie was about a day shy of 21, you can't just expect to accept someone that young going out in something so not right. It was his first fucking time going fishing.

But maybe that's it. People always seem to do really weird things they either haven't done ever or in years right before they go out.

@Call_Me_Godot
Welcome lol.

If I were a parent (though I'm probably not going to have kids because they're honestly annoying little shits), I would absolutely hate to lose my kid like that. Kids are adults' prize possessions. They'll do anything for the brats, except for my parents cos they only do what they want to do for me haha. But it would hurt, so much as a parent, or as a sibling, or as absolutely anyone to lose someone like that. I don't even know the guys name, and it makes me feel like shit to know that he died like that. It's insane, really. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I give my condolences to anyone who needs them. If I lost Antonio like that, I would... things wouldn't be ok. They just wouldn't. I would hate to lose ANYONE like that. So again, my condolences.

I don't think you sound sick or anything because you said that. I think that's just a little saving hope from you. Hoping that he really didn't die from drowning. But for real, I'm with you. I hope that's how it went out too.

I have a hard time coping with deaths too. I think we all do, whether we like it or not. Sometimes it honestly really depends on the death. But people die everyday, so if everyone was effected by the same death, our whole world would be just a whole big pile of depressed shit. It just all depends on how people cope, and if people cope. And I just realized that none of that made sense.

....moving on....

You know that sucks. That fucking sucks. His first time fishing? That's just... that terrible. I'm sorry.

@Call_Me_Godot
it's not stupid. not stupid at all. don't ever think that.
my condolences.
a friend is a friend in whatever contexts you see them or want to view/remember them in.
you need time to heal.
i do hope you're alright.

@cocopops
I'm fine, I promise. I just get in really weird moods on occasion (clearly) and certain things just freak me out when I'm in said moods. I do keep thinking that it's a really bad joke that I don't find funny at all but I've read enough local articles online and in papers at work to know it's not.

Again, he really wasn't a bad person. He was goofy and funny and wanted to talk about music all the time. I just feel bad that I tried my best to avoid him the last two years because I was trying to avoid conflict with my current boyfriend as they didn't like each other (like legit screaming matches and challenges to fights between them, and me changing my number). It's on and off because I didn't keep a lot of my friends from high school because so many of them changed (either two faced insecure bitchiness or babies) but he was one of the few that never did. He was always friendly and happy.

@XKALEIGHSTYLES57X
Seriously. That's a shit fucking father-son-bonding-time experience D: I still don't know how the other guy (there was a third member) was connected to them but according to news articles I've read he did help the family with the search (I found out 72 hours in, they found him about a week after he initially was lost).

I'm kind of mad on top of being upset because like I said, he was fucking anemic and anemic people get cold easy. It was still really cold when it happened so I'm like "the fuck were you doing outside?" But like I also stated, it always seems to me that people do really uncharacteristic things before they go and I have this idea that some subconscious part of them knows they're about to go and that's why they do it. My grandpa, the night he died, kissed my grandma on the cheek and told her he loved her before she left the nursing home that night and he hadn't done that in about 15 years. I think people know.